chincey_james
Well-Known Member
Growing up, many labels were thrown at me, such as "gifted" and "over-sensitive." I always knew that I was different. But I was the sort of different that elevated expectations (much to my chagrin). People thought I was "smart" and that life was easy for me. It wasn't. I felt like an actor, constantly on the stage not for myself but for the comfort of everyone else, convincing them that I too was "normal."
I never suspected that I might be autistic until my partner became convinced of it over the lockdown. He insisted that I get tested, so I settled on an online service. I figured an online service would cost me less - not in terms of money, but energy. Half a year later, I received a diagnosis of Level 1 autism. My partner was enthused and very relieved. Truth be told, it's been wonderful for our relationship. He feels like he finally understands me. I will freely admit that I am not the easiest person to live with: I prefer dark, cool environments, despise the vast majority of social experiences, and am apparently not the best listener on Earth (something about always offering solutions and not wanting 'feelings-only' conversations).
All that being said, I am at war with myself over accepting the diagnosis. On paper, I see how I exhibit the manifestations of autism, but I can't seem to go beyond that. Maybe it's that I feel I haven't suffered enough like others who are autistic. Mostly, it's that I feel like my online diagnosis isn't as valid as an in-person one would have been. I worry that I subconsciously answered the diagnostic tests and interview in a way to ensure a diagnosis, and yet I know in my heart that I answered truthfully. Has anyone here also struggled with this imposter syndrome? My deepest fear is self-deceit.
I never suspected that I might be autistic until my partner became convinced of it over the lockdown. He insisted that I get tested, so I settled on an online service. I figured an online service would cost me less - not in terms of money, but energy. Half a year later, I received a diagnosis of Level 1 autism. My partner was enthused and very relieved. Truth be told, it's been wonderful for our relationship. He feels like he finally understands me. I will freely admit that I am not the easiest person to live with: I prefer dark, cool environments, despise the vast majority of social experiences, and am apparently not the best listener on Earth (something about always offering solutions and not wanting 'feelings-only' conversations).
All that being said, I am at war with myself over accepting the diagnosis. On paper, I see how I exhibit the manifestations of autism, but I can't seem to go beyond that. Maybe it's that I feel I haven't suffered enough like others who are autistic. Mostly, it's that I feel like my online diagnosis isn't as valid as an in-person one would have been. I worry that I subconsciously answered the diagnostic tests and interview in a way to ensure a diagnosis, and yet I know in my heart that I answered truthfully. Has anyone here also struggled with this imposter syndrome? My deepest fear is self-deceit.