Has anyone else decided they don't want children?

[clg114]

Thank you @Lily Muffet. Surprisingly, I am getting no push back for my decision not to have children. My mom is incredibly supportive of me has complimented me on my responsible thinking. Well, let's face it, I am in no immediate danger of siring any children because relationships do not come easily to me at all and the longest one I've ever had lasted only 6 months. As I get older, I am more set in my ways and less willing to settle for something I don't want which I probably feel more intensely as a result of being on the spectrum. I will probably never marry because it will take a super woman to put up with me - I would not be an easy person to live with. Even though I am only 41 years old, my life's experiences have aged me well beyond my physical age.

Thank you for calling my wife a super woman. She has put up with my weirdness for many years. So don't give up hope, you just never know.

 

[Samuel]

A part of me wants to have kids someday, but number 1 kids are obviously a huge responsibility and cost a tremendous amount of time and money, number 2 i don't want them to be born with aspergers like me or god forbid an even worse form of autism, and number 3 i have a lot of issues with taking care of myself so i feel like if i would do a horrible job of taking care of another human life for over 10 years. I'll most likely never have kids because of these reasons but i don't need kids to be happy, all i really want out of life is to not grow up or die alone.

 

[Lily Muffet]

It really is the most sensible decision for some of us isn't it? I wonder if other female Aspies like me find themselves under more pressure than men or not? An interesting question. I know that from our experiences, hearing a woman say that she never wants children seems to be judged as shocking and people feel the need to say things like "you will change your mind when you are older", "you won't feel fulfilled unless you have children" etc etc. It really does make us feel like we've got two heads or we are somehow unatural.
With regards to relationships and marriage, that's difficult for many of us.
Even if we find someone to share our lives with we can end up pushing them away. I watch my children struggle with this and consider myself so lucky. I've been married for 25 years and it's been very tough. My husband hasn't been at all easy to live with but somehow we just sort of found a way to be together. When he was diagnosed last year it all made sense and we have been working on ways to make life less stressful and work better for both of us. Once he worked through his diagnosis and began to come to terms with it I was able to do the same and married life is much easier now. We have created ways to live together yet still have enough space and this process will be different for every couple. But for us this is what works: he travels a lot for work which means I get oodles of time and space to be alone which I really need in order to function. When we are together we do the things that we share an interest in, even if that just involves movies or the cinema or simply being in front of the TV together at the same time, but in our own space. Then we have separate rooms. This was initiated when my EDS disabilities meant that sharing a bed or room became impossible. However, it proved to be a wonderful idea as my husband now has his own space to call his and can have as many quirky gadgets in it as he pleases. Whereas my room has turned into a girly pink paradise .
I know that some Aspie couples actually live in different flats or houses, sometimes far apart! And that works for them. I would be happy with that myself actually! Strange but true.
So as others have said - don't give up. But don't expect that any relationships that may develop will be "typical" ones. If you can find flexible ways to "be" with a companion then that may well be enough.

 

[Lily Muffet]

I came to realise this after having 4! It’s not that I don’t love them to bits, it’s that I do love them to bits. I don’t think I can give them what they need, despite trying my hardest. My best isn’t good enough, and they deserve better. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t have children. But I would hope the memory of them would also be erased as I would miss them terribly.

What a good way to put it Phanelope

 

[Joel's Hear]

I had thought all my life that I didn't want children but dam! You don't always get what you want, you get what you need! I have three children now and they are reasons to live (but lots of patience for an autistic creature).

 

[Lady Lucifer]

here is too great a chance for me passing autism on to a child and it's probably best for me to end my lineage with me. I don't see myself even adopting because I struggle to take care of myself, let alone a young one in need of care.

Same, my childhood was also emotionally abusive and I don't want to pass on my parents traits to them. Plus I hate kids.

 

[Lisa Anthony]

Speaking as an Aspie and a parent, I can say that it's definitely genetic. I was 21 when I had my daughter and she inherited it. If she was an NT, I honestly wouldn't know what to do with her.

Being a parent with Asperger's has been very challenging, but also rewarding. I don't regret having her, I just wish I had her with a different person and at a different time.

I don't have a desire to have more kids though. One is enough.

She takes after me and so it's like having a "mini me" to hang out with now that she's 12. I'm a single mom since my awful marriage fell apart when she was young, so that has been really hard on us.

We keep each other company though and I help her so she doesn't have to struggle with things like I did. If she was an NT, I honestly wouldn't know what to do with her. I'm just not very good with kids, it's very awkward for me.

 

[interim]

I actually like children, and I don't think I'm genetically much worse then the average guy. But:
- I don't think I can find a person who really wants me, and I want to live with.
- I'm actually antinatalist, and think that having children only increases the suffering on this planet and is not morally justified. I.e. I was never asked to be born, people just assume life is such a "gift", although the motivation for "creating life" is purely egoistic...
- I will probably fail as a parent, since I really don't know what to advice a child in this world. If this child takes my path, I will suffer seeing it going through the same problems like me. If it goes with the herd, I will suffer seeing it being brainwashed, playing the game to become popular, to make others like you, soaking into the "popular culture", etc.

 

[Otenba]

Yup. I don't want to be a mother and knew this from a young age. I'm so thankful that my husband is cool with this. I made sure to be up front about it early in our relationship considering how much of a deal breaker it can be for so many people, and it worked out fine and dandy for both of us. Do hate the stigma childless folk get, but hey ho, haters gonna hate I guess.

 

[china autie]

Didn't have kids and now with the divorce out of necessity [he became abusive], I am glad that they never happened for us.

I was always afraid that I would die in childbirth or become abusive to kids myself. As it worked out, I did not have to deal with either possibility.

I was abnormally quiet as a child I guess. Kids seem to be so noisy and messy.