Forever Alone

[JDartistic]

Question - how do you cope with the realization that you may be alone forever?

I don’t mean this in a negative way. I’m asking bc I have faced this question myself throughout my life, but especially now as an older autistic person.

I want to finally be okay with accepting this truth, that I have fought all my life but failed.

Now, I’m thinking most of us understand this question, but I need practical Hope.

How do I face this reality of being alone forever without getting down about it? Before, I was young & beautiful (like all of us!) & people accepted me bc I guess I was aesthetic, but now I’m older &...well, not so much...

I keep getting hit by the Ugly Stick Of Age. I’m also facing mortality, as we all do as we get older.

So, I need a little advice from my fellow autistic friends - I’m depressed now thinking about how shallow this probably sounds, but then again, this is what’s happening. Even my ex-wife left me saying - ‘you r struggling w getting older.’ Note that she left me for a younger woman! LOL

But what she said was true. How do I accept being alone when it matters most?

PS I apologize in advance for asking this question...

 

[OkRad]

There is no need to apologize. I deal with this, too. For me, practical ways are as follows:
1. Go crazy on my special interest
2. Surround myself with those who care about me, like my family
3. Greatly reduce time spent with most others, except a few.
4. Stop trying to do things I can't.

Those are some ways I cope. Number 1 and 2 are crucial.

 

[watersprite]

I recommend:

Love yourself

Your favorite White Noise &/or Music

Pursue Special interest - insert yours here -

A lot of Activity and vigorous exercise of a sort that suits you

Listening or Reading to 'whatever' you are amused by

Strict healthy diet except for occasional delicious variations

Laughter

 

[pjcnet]

I can relate to what you say as a 48 year old single aspie with health problems including COPD which means my life expectancy isn't too high. I haven't really wanted to be anything but single since my last disastrous relationship that happened approx 15 years ago and now I have accepted that I will die single. What is worse is since I lost contact with my last relationship I found out that she had died and yes it does still hurt.

How do I cope? Well I don't cope too well, except that I engross myself in my special interest as usual which is computers. I'd be interested if anyone does come up with some better solutions however. Regarding mortality, well it helps to know that there is life after death, I found out for myself by studying the paranormal, mainly ghosts and spirits for a while from 1996. I can tell you without any doubt in my mind that there are spirits and they can show intelligent thought, although unless you've seen hard proof you won't be convinced no matter what I write. I've caught replies from spirits to my questions on a dictaphone for instance and I've experienced loads of blatant examples of hard proof including various times when I've been alone (I can now tell when a spirit is around and I know the signs). This doesn't completely remove the fear of dying and everyone doesn't seem to come back in spirit to this world so there's still a lot of questions left to answer, but this has somewhat helped in my case (unfortunately there's far too much publicity and media into the paranormal these days and far too many fakes in order to make money along with "thrill seekers" who simply want to be frightened, but this was much less the case in 1996). A last thought that has kind of bothered me (it would only bother an aspie), how can I continue my special interest with computers once I'm in spirit?

 

[Keigan]

My dog is awesome!

 

[-SN]

Being alone isn't failing IMO...
are the people with a million Instagram followers or movie stars succeeding? No way... lots of friends that aren't really friends and aren't there when you need them.

I do know what you mean, it's hard to be lonely.

Maybe you can be with someone and just not live together?? Who needs tradition?!

 

[pjcnet]

My dog is awesome!

Good point, having pets can really help, I love my cat and understand her more than most people, the only thing that bothers me about pets is they tend to have a short life compared to us and we have to see them die which hurt me in a massive way when my last cat died of cancer. I was worried sick when my current cat (Chloe) was less active than normal a few weeks ago, I rushed her to the vet who said that she had a temperature, but luckily after an antibiotic injection she was back to her normal active self again within a day. I also worry when she goes out, I try to keep an eye on her as much as I can, but often she will vanish for a while when I really worry, I thought about keeping her in, but it just wouldn't be fair on her as she enjoys going out + it keeps her fit and luckily I live away from main roads. The benefits of having a pet far outweigh my worries of losing her however.

 

[Judge]

My best coping mechanism is always one basic thing. To live each and every day one at a time. To keep everything potentially bad just beyond my horizon to keep from being overwhelmed at times.

 

[SusanLR]

2. Surround myself with those who care about me, like my family

Part of being alone is not having anyone who cares and no family. That's when you get that sick in the pit of the stomach realization and feel you're a lost child in the forest.

I do know what you mean, it's hard to be lonely.

Maybe you can be with someone and just not live together?? Who needs tradition

That was my idea a few years ago. It felt it would be right. But, as you get older and finally face the spirit feels the same, the body doesn't...and I have disabilities that doctors have already said I shouldn't live alone.

I don't have any concerns about dying alone. IMO we ALL do that. Even if someone is sitting there when it happens.
For me, feeling alone and lonely isn't a matter of having someone to be with. No matter how many people are around me, inside I feel alone. I just don't feel a connection to others that would take away the empty feeling. I posted a photo on another thread that depicts this feeling.

I can tell you without any doubt in my mind that there are spirits and they can show intelligent thought, although unless you've seen hard proof you won't be convinced no matter what I write. I've caught replies from spirits to my questions on a dictaphone for instance and I've experienced loads of blatant examples of hard proof

Spirits or EVP from some dimension.
Yes, I have too. But, you are correct, no one believes it.
Some, even when they see/hear blatant proof will still say there must be a normal (again, whatever normal is), reason for it. They have said things like: "If I admit it is true and there is not a known explanation, then that would be admitting I'm crazy."
I keep saying there is a lot yet to prove.
And history has proved that. The unknown became the known as time moved on.

But, it does not take away my fear of dying either.
Like anything else in this life, I just accept it and go with it doing the best I can.
I keep repeating myself here, but, the only people that I didn't feel alone with were my parents.
Here's life now:

 

[Fitzo]

I'm 67 and have been single for the last 3 years. There have been other times in my life when I have been single for a number of years but the difference now is that I choose to remain single and am not even interested in meeting anyone. Most of my worst depressive episodes were because of relationship failures and I just can't face going through that pain again. If I could meet someone who would be happy to just be a casual platonic activity partner then I wouldn't completely rule that out, but I think it unlikely because not many people share my interests.
I am not unduly concerned with dying alone, but I do worry about being old and losing my independence. The thought of needing help and having no one to provide it definitely concerns me. I'm acutely aware of it these days because my mother is 93 and relies on me for a lot. I can't help thinking about how I would manage if it were me. I have no children.

For now though I have found a level of contentment from my creative interests and passions. I keep myself as fit and healthy as I can and I adore my two dogs.
I also volunteer at a koala rescue centre and as an usher at my local community theatre. It gives me a level of social interaction with like minded individuals which I can easily control, and I get to see some great shows in the process.

I can't say it wouldn't be wonderful to be in a loving, caring relationship, but I have come to accept that for me it just isn't going to happen and I'm not prepared to risk the roller coaster ride again.

The idea of an Aspie community living arrangement holds great appeal. Maybe it would be a business idea!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

@Fitzo

I also volunteer at a koala rescue centre and as an usher at my local community theatre. It gives me a level of social interaction with like minded individuals which I can easily control, and I get to see some great shows in the process

How brilliant.

I can't say it wouldn't be wonderful to be in a loving, caring relationship

But even the loving ones are tough! It takes about ten years to relax and iron lut all the little differences. I don't thinkmimwould want tomdo that again.
Im also gullible so imcan be easily taken advantage of.
If i end up alone ill bide my time and go into a home a bit early. Looked after in terms of health etc

The idea of an Aspie community living arrangement holds great appeal. Maybe it would be a business idea!

An area with lots of private rooms,peace and quiet and a small communal area

 

[Gracey]

Be loved and accepted by yourself first and foremost.

Others have opinions and different perspectives, doesn't necessarily make them a prophet or clairvoyant.

Just because a person says "you're struggling" doesn't make it fact until we focus on looking for evidence to support it (dismissing and not noticing the many, many other things in our lives.)

Ugly stick of age? Young and beautiful? Pah!!
I have the T-shirt and yet people still keep on wanting to talk to me in real time which suggests to me aesthetics aren't the only primary motivator out there amongst the living.

"Forever Alone" is a very definitive statement. How can you be absolutely certain?
Unless of course you choose to push people away?

It's certainly easier and less confusing to avoid connections with others. That would be a conscious choice though.
To avoid any meaningful connections with others.

I have to wonder if you now have the freedom to do anything you really want to do.
To create for yourself the kind of activities, social interaction and future you hope for?
You no longer have to consider the needs and desires of another.

Your future belongs to you. You can mould it any way you wish.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

@Gracey

It's certainly easier and less confusing to avoid connections with others. That would be a conscious choice though.
To avoid any meaningful connections with others

This is the hokey-cokey dance for those with ASD.
Putting your left foot in - trying social interaction.
Putting your left foot out - finding it a bit much.

Finding a balance and resolving the dance is the challenge

It doesnt have to be all or nothing and sometimes the way we describe things for ourselves can create our reality.

 

[JDartistic]

I'm 67 and have been single for the last 3 years. There have been other times in my life when I have been single for a number of years but the difference now is that I choose to remain single and am not even interested in meeting anyone. Most of my worst depressive episodes were because of relationship failures and I just can't face going through that pain again. If I could meet someone who would be happy to just be a casual platonic activity partner then I wouldn't completely rule that out, but I think it unlikely because not many people share my interests.
I am not unduly concerned with dying alone, but I do worry about being old and losing my independence. The thought of needing help and having no one to provide it definitely concerns me. I'm acutely aware of it these days because my mother is 93 and relies on me for a lot. I can't help thinking about how I would manage if it were me. I have no children.

For now though I have found a level of contentment from my creative interests and passions. I keep myself as fit and healthy as I can and I adore my two dogs.
I also volunteer at a koala rescue centre and as an usher at my local community theatre. It gives me a level of social interaction with like minded individuals which I can easily control, and I get to see some great shows in the process.

I can't say it wouldn't be wonderful to be in a loving, caring relationship, but I have come to accept that for me it just isn't going to happen and I'm not prepared to risk the roller coaster ride again.

The idea of an Aspie community living arrangement holds great appeal. Maybe it would be a business idea!

I relate to this totally. My biggest heartbreaks were after my 2 long term relationships. One recently & one in my 20’s. Both lasted 7 years & both cheated. The problem was that it took me 10 years to get over it! I don’t cope well, so it seems.

Re getting older & getting help, u r right on. That’s why I asked this question too. My mom has Alzheimer’s & all I see for myself is what I see in her, & it’s terrifying. I’ll be the crazy lady in the hood. I’m really scared of that.

But facing life as an older autistic can honestly be scary. My family disowned me when I was 18, so I have no one to even pick me up after medical procedures. If I was ever hospitalized, no one would be there, not to mention who would care for my dog?

That’s the terrifying reality for me & im trying to sort it out cuz it keeps me up at night.

 

[JDartistic]

I can relate to what you say as a 48 year old single aspie with health problems including COPD which means my life expectancy isn't too high. I haven't really wanted to be anything but single since my last disastrous relationship that happened approx 15 years ago and now I have accepted that I will die single. What is worse is since I lost contact with my last relationship I found out that she had died and yes it does still hurt.

How do I cope? Well I don't cope too well, except that I engross myself in my special interest as usual which is computers. I'd be interested if anyone does come up with some better solutions however. Regarding mortality, well it helps to know that there is life after death, I found out for myself by studying the paranormal, mainly ghosts and spirits for a while from 1996. I can tell you without any doubt in my mind that there are spirits and they can show intelligent thought, although unless you've seen hard proof you won't be convinced no matter what I write. I've caught replies from spirits to my questions on a dictaphone for instance and I've experienced loads of blatant examples of hard proof including various times when I've been alone (I can now tell when a spirit is around and I know the signs). This doesn't completely remove the fear of dying and everyone doesn't seem to come back in spirit to this world so there's still a lot of questions left to answer, but this has somewhat helped in my case (unfortunately there's far too much publicity and media into the paranormal these days and far too many fakes in order to make money along with "thrill seekers" who simply want to be frightened, but this was much less the case in 1996). A last thought that has kind of bothered me (it would only bother an aspie), how can I continue my special interest with computers once I'm in spirit?

I can relate. I’m an Atheist though so don’t find comfort in spiritual or religious stuff. In fact, I prefer the idea of just being done once Death arrives. That part doesn’t scare me. It’s the actual dying that frightens me - I don’t want to suffer but I suspect we All feel that way.

But yeah, facing mortality is a tough one...

 

[oregano]

I am almost 43 and the only person left alive in my immediate family is my elderly mother. I have to live with her because rent and inflation make it impossible to live alone. I am looking at buying cheap land to live on, since mom is sickly and will have to likely go into a home in the next couple of years.

As for being alone, I accepted a long time ago the fact that I'm just a lone wolf and that I will live and die alone. I actually look at it as a positive sometimes when I see how desperate NT's can be to not be alone. Some NT females will pick up random guys and take them home so they have somebody to have sex with and cuddle with so their bed "isn't cold". NT's will have kids by whatever partner pops up so they won't have an empty house. They will do all sorts of strange things if they feel their close relations are under threat. Not suffering from those impulses is something I view as a big positive.

 

[Mathalamus]

realizing that i may be forever alone, just makes it harder to enjoy life.

 

[Sherlock77]

For the last ten years, increasingly so in recent years, I've been virtually "married" to my photography, and I really don't feel bothered by it, I'm 45 by the way, wasn't even bothered to try finding a life partner...

Back in the spring I literally stumbled into what has become a casual relationship with another lady who is about my age, as near as I can tell we aren't officially dating, just doing lots of things together...

I was reflecting recently, one thing I've noticed with this relationship is that we are both very independent, she has never married either, I've had 27 adult years of pretty much doing my own thing when I want to, and I know it would be very difficult for me to have my personal time taken away from me...

Because I am at heart a loner still, just today, had my weekly Sunday morning breakfast while reading the newspaper (alone), then went to church as I usually do (that's social), after church I went to our local flea market as I often do (a mix of social and being a loner), and then took my camera for a walk through a couple of downtown districts, just on my own, and I do enjoy that... Then the weekly grocery trip and then home (where I live on my own, and don't mind it) to get ready for another work week...

There are times in the week when I do go into social settings, and now a few times when I spend time with my female friend, most of the week I don't really, come home from work and do whatever I do in the evening before going to bed, on my own...

I know that some people, especially people from non-western cultures, think it's strange to have a life like that, with little contact and to not be married by a certain age...

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

How do I accept being alone when it matters most?

Here's the thing, though. Are you really alone? You always have this forum, this community of like-minded people who can support you and interact with you whenever you feel like having online company. This forum counts as not being alone, doesn't it? Or are you specifically wanting to find in-person interactions, friendships or a long-term romantic relationship? What, to you, constitutes not "being alone?"

 

[JDartistic]

Here's the thing, though. Are you really alone? You always have this forum, this community of like-minded people who can support you and interact with you whenever you feel like having online company. This forum counts as not being alone, doesn't it? Or are you specifically wanting to find in-person interactions, friendships or a long-term romantic relationship? What, to you, constitutes not "being alone?"

For me, I'm used to being alone - that is, on my own and I'm functional, but what I miss is having someone to talk to. I want a best friend! I also find that when I do have close friends (which I don't have now), I need that interaction to also keep me in check in that sometimes I make bad decisions or over-react. The doe situation, is a good example - I really needed someone to talk to about it, but since I didn't, I ended up blowing everything out of proportion and making it all worse. Also, I've had some medical procedures recently and I don't have anyone to pick me up! I ended up being left in the hospital hallway b/c they won't release you! I was there for over 4 hours, all b/c I didn't have anyone to pick me up after a procedure. That's what I mean when I say "when it counts the most" - that is, getting older and when you truly need that extra support.

But you are right - it's not a marriage or relationship I'm looking for. I just want a best friend I can talk to...

I also find the Forum to be okay, but it's just not the same. I LOVE talking to people in person, over dinner or a glass a wine...that's what I miss the most.

Did you ever see that I Love Lucy episode, "The Friends of the Friendless?" If you did, you'd laugh but also understand what I'm saying...I'm friendless and it does make me feel unhealthily isolated...