Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

[Juliettaa]

My family are mostly from backwards third-world countries with ingrained patriarchal societies and a mindset from the 1800s. Some family members believe that people who have ASD should be locked up in mental institutions for life. You get the idea.

An example is when aunts and uncles at get-togethers would ask me, "Hey, you still single, boy? How old are you now 26?!" or "Hey, boy, I never saw any of your girlfriends. You do not want one or what, boy?"

It may be the Asperger's, but I always have felt obliged to answer questions totally honestly, without questioning the person's intentions of why they are asking in the first place.

My mother is much more sympathetic to my case, herself having Asperger's and also berated by family as a child. She was not insulted really for being a virgin until 27, but she was and is constantly berated for getting pregnant with me from her first time, plus out of wedlock. So my nickname amongst some family members is "the bastard".

My mother was called retarded and a mute as a child for her abnormal mannerisms and inability to respond to people in conversation due to Asperger's and selective mute autism. So she knows how I feel.

You are correct, I have set some boundaries. Last week I had severed all ties with my extended family, and I no longer will meet with them during family get-togethers. No point in meeting them so that they have more material to gossip about.

That still does not help that here in this city, where many people whom I meet are judgemental about relationships and virginity. Both male acquaintances/friends and women who may be interested. I once met a 33 year old male virgin during a meetup, and he was very ashamed of it when he admitted it to other people. Some male acquaintances refuse to talk to him because they do not want virgins as part of their social group. That includes people like me.

The only solution is to leave the city (and country), which I am working on right now.

Thank you for taking time to explain. Your oversharing/family dynamic makes more sense now.

Answering questions honestly, I believe, is an Aspie trait as I'm the same; however, I have years on you and have learnt to answer questions which I deem 'none of your business' with a question.

For example 'do you enjoy sex' would be answered 'what do you want to know that for'. So, when you're asked again 'are you a virgin', work on answering with a question or just a simple statement that doesn't give a direct answer.

I'm English and live in England. We are, as a rule, more reserved. The only time I've heard people being teased about sex/virginity status was at school, ages 14-16, not adults.

I think it's a positive thing that you're not going to attend family gatherings, particularly when you're the source of gossip. Remove the source, they have to find something else to gossip about.

You sound as if you have loads of positive qualities, but your social groups are not conducive to meeting like minded women. I hope that you do meet someone, but please, if/when you do lose your virginity, refrain from over sharing as it's disrespectful.

 

[Lundi]

Thank you for taking time to explain. Your oversharing/family dynamic makes more sense now.

Answering questions honestly, I believe, is an Aspie trait as I'm the same; however, I have years on you and have learnt to answer questions which I deem 'none of your business' with a question.

For example 'do you enjoy sex' would be answered 'what do you want to know that for'. So, when you're asked again 'are you a virgin', work on answering with a question or just a simple statement that doesn't give a direct answer.

I'm English and live in England. We are, as a rule, more reserved. The only time I've heard people being teased about sex/virginity status was at school, ages 14-16, not adults.

I think it's a positive thing that you're not going to attend family gatherings, particularly when you're the source of gossip. Remove the source, they have to find something else to gossip about.

You sound as if you have loads of positive qualities, but your social groups are not conducive to meeting like minded women. I hope that you do meet someone, but please, if/when you do lose your virginity, refrain from over sharing as it's disrespectful.

If what you've posted is a true representation of people from California, boy am I glad I live in the UK!!

I tend to think very linearly and robotically, so when someone asks me a question, my reflex is automatically: hear question --> think --> give answer. Lately I have been becoming more "street smart" and try to get an instinct about when people are trying to ask intrusive questions to get information out of me.

California as a whole have always had a reputation for having superficial and judgemental people, or at least that is the worldwide perception. Los Angeles used to be known as the most superficial place on earth. Now San Francisco, my home town, has very recently adopted this title…

I have lived in a little in Newcastle and Manchester in the UK. My experience was that in both cities, people are much less judgemental than back home. The women seemed friendlier and not quick to judge. Male acquaintances and friends seemed friendlier too.

But like I said, when I was in the UK, women were not on my mind very much due to the studying. A pity because maybe I could have met someone there.

Yes, usually in most cases immature people such as teenagers make a big deal about virginity. But here where I am, it seems like both women and men, even in their 20s and 30s, consider it a rite of passage that all males must accomplish in order to be considered normal.

In my late 20s, when attending meetups, I have witnessed grown adults--people in their 20s, 30s and 40s--joking about virginity and making fun of virgins. That 33 year old virgin male who is one of my acquaintances has been repeatedly made fun of and teased for his condition. I cannot fathom why people in their 20s and 30s would make fun of someone for this. Maybe this city just has a lot of immature adults? I honestly do not understand people here.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

How did they even know he was a virgin? There is only one person in my life you I actually know the sexual status of and that's because they are also asexual and we chatted about sex. I wouldn't find someone I was not close friends with telling me about their sex life, or lack of it, inappropriate and awkward. If someone asked me about my sex life I would tell them that their question was inappropriate and that they should mind their own business.

 

[paloftoon]

There is definitely a culture of people who make a big deal about being a virgin or not. That's why you have movies titled things like "40 year old virgin." Media and society make it a big thing, but reality is that it's a personal thing unless someone and you are considering being together or talking about intimate relationship oriented subject matter as well.

 

[Kalinychta]

This is very possible. At meetups I often meet very extroverted, outgoing neurotypical women. There are quite a few that are the equivalent of an "alpha female" type: those who like nightclubbing, parties, outdoor stuff like sports and hiking, but not much into academics. However, this is also typical of male acquaintances here. They focus on making huge sums of money, bars/nightclubs and outdoor activities. Sometimes if I mention the foreign language stuff, I asked why I spend time on learning languages instead of hiking in the hills or clubbing.

That is one blunder that I committed during university--neglecting social life and instead studying too much. It definitely would have been easier to meet more academic women back then. It is harder now, being out of an academic setting.

I notice that there are a lot of males who could be on the spectrum here, but I have met very few women, if at all, who were on the spectrum.

I remember last month I met a woman who was baffled as to why I spent my time with languages instead of hiking and made a curious comment, supposedly as a joke, saying that real men go outdoors and do sports things instead of staying in all day. I know that it was supposed to be a joke, but I think that she kind of meant it at least a bit seriously too.

I don't know where you live in San Francisco, but it must be the rudeness capital of the world. I live in Oregon, and people are crazy about hiking here, too, but no one would ever ask me why I prefer using my brain instead of my legs (e.g. reading books versus hiking or, in your case, learning languages instead of hiking). In fact, they'd probably feel ashamed and say that they should be doing less hiking and more reading.

And as others have said, I'm surprised they talk so openly about their sex lives where you live. That's crazy. I would be so uncomfortable with that. If I were asked questions about my sex life, not only would I refuse to answer, I would probably be angry as well.

You said earlier that women don't want you because you've never had sex or a girlfriend. Does that mean you're making friends with women but then as soon as you reveal your lack of sexual experience, they exit stage left, so to speak? Because if I were talking to some guy and he told me he's never had sex OR if he told me that he's had a lot of sex, I would feel mildly to moderately alarmed.

 

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

As the saying goes, desperation is a stinky cologne. Fixating on being a virgin will guarantee you remain one. Remember, 30 is an arbitrary age, and virginity itself is a somewhat subjective and poorly defined concept (and massively overblown).

For both finding a relationship and losing your virginity, the best thing to do is push those concerns off to the side and focus on your own life and self. I know it's frustrating and counter-intuitive to be told "You'll achieve ___ by actively not going for ___", but trust me on this, I've seen it play out many times in my own life and others. By fixating, you're inadvertently signaling to people that you're just trying to use them to fill your sexual/romantic needs--whether you think you have nobler intentions or not, that's what you're signaling. Focus on your own happiness in other areas of your life, cut ties with that toxic mess of a family, and pay attention when opportunities comes your way. You'll be pleasantly surprised how things play out.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old male with Asperger's from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since as of today there is only one month and one week left before my birthday, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.

I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees at an American university--mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I then went to the UK to study chemical engineering.

At that time, I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages.

When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.

But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.

My mother also has Asperger's. She was a virgin and single until age 27. But just like me, this was not by choice; she just ended up that way. Her father (my maternal grandfather) may have had Asperger's. He was a virgin and single until age 41. Again, not by choice. Might explain why I am in my 20s yet have a grandfather who was born before the end of the First World War. Virginity and relationship problems (plus autism spectrum disorders) seem to run through my mother's side of the family.

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni both here in USA and in Britain. Yet my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

I have absolutely no experience whatsoever

 

[Lundi]

I don't know where you live in San Francisco, but it must be the rudeness capital of the world. I live in Oregon, and people are crazy about hiking here, too, but no one would ever ask me why I prefer using my brain instead of my legs (e.g. reading books versus hiking or, in your case, learning languages instead of hiking). In fact, they'd probably feel ashamed and say that they should be doing less hiking and more reading.

San Francisco is an extremely weird place in my opinion. It certainly is no longer the city that it was during my childhood. I looked up on the Internet what other people think, if they thought the same:

https://www.quora.com/Why-are-people-in-San-Francisco-so-rude

Are people in San Francisco snobs? (Oakland: neighborhoods, buy, live in) - San Francisco - Oakland - California (CA) - City-Data Forum

https://www.quora.com/Why-are-people-in-the-Bay-Area-so-rude

This Is What Makes Dating So Hard in San Francisco

8 (Completely True) Reasons Why Dating in San Francisco is so Difficult

10 Things I Learned About Dating in San Francisco

https://www.quora.com/Why-is-dating-in-San-Francisco-so-hard

5 Reasons Dating in San Francisco Is so Freaking Hard | HuffPost

Here Are 5 Reasons You're Still Single If You Live In San Francisco

To me it is like a sad dystopia. I mean, there are massive amounts of tech guys which skews the population heavily male. Yet these guys adopt the macho man alpha male and pick up artist persona and project this on everyone else, which explains why guys ask me about my sex life. Yet these guys themselves are the exact opposite of the stereotypical alpha male.

You said earlier that women don't want you because you've never had sex or a girlfriend. Does that mean you're making friends with women but then as soon as you reveal your lack of sexual experience, they exit stage left, so to speak? Because if I were talking to some guy and he told me he's never had sex OR if he told me that he's had a lot of sex, I would feel mildly to moderately alarmed.

No it is more like the conversation ends up there somehow. For example, a conversation between me and some woman at a meetup would be like this:

Her: So what are your hobbies, what do you do in your free time?
Me: Competitive chess, training and studying chess, plus I do foreign languages.
Her: Oh...okay, which foreign languages then?
Me: Spanish, Portuguese, Dutch, Norwegian, Italian, a few others. You?
Her: Oh, I only know English. I do not really do languages. You travel a lot?
Me: Sometimes, mostly to Europe.
Her: Oh, you must have a European girlfriend then, eh?
Me: Well, no...
Her: Oh. Well, you have had girlfriends in the past though, right?
Me: No...
Her:

Then they probably think I am weird.

Just two weeks ago I went to dinner with a woman from a meetup. We both met and found out that we went to the same university in the UK. An extract from the conversation at one point was like this:

Me: I miss Newcastle University. Those were fun times.
Her: I know, I miss Newcastle and the UK in general. I especially miss the chemist Boots. I had to go there a lot for birth control. They have excellent birth control options. Pills, condoms, you know what I mean right?
Me: No, I never needed to use that…
Her: Oh surely, you went to Boots for birth control at least once.
Me: Well, no...
Her: You mean you never…?
Me: No.
Her:

These types of awkward moments usually stem from casual conversations.

I am actually the opposite of most guys: I feel very uncomfortable talking about sex to anyone, especially strangers. The only person with whom I would feel comfortable talking about this is with a good friend who attended the same primary and secondary schools that I did, and I have known him since we were five years old. I never bring sex up when talking to women. It is usually when they ask me questions like these that it pops up in conversation.

It is also the opposite as well--I feel alarmed when women just start talking about birth control and sexual stuff when the conversation was on a completely different subject. Coupled with the virginity self-consciousness, talking about sex makes it feel like 11/10 on the uncomfortability scale.

Maybe in Oregon they do not talk like this? Or maybe these women were trying to see what kind of sexual experience I have as a test? I honestly have no idea. I am sure that they were neurotypical, and my skills of "listening between the lines" is terrible. But here, anyway, women do ask about relationship and sexual history, even when the conversation was about a completely different topic.

 

[Fino]

Most guys are comfortable talking about sex to anyone? Those conversations also don't seem real to me.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Thirty, that's nothing. You're still very young!

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Me: I miss Newcastle University. Those were fun times.
Her: I know, I miss Newcastle and the UK in general. I especially miss the chemist Boots. I had to go there a lot for birth control. They have excellent birth control options. Pills, condoms, you know what I mean right?
Me: No, I never needed to use that…
Her: Oh surely, you went to Boots for birth control at least once.
Me: Well, no...
Her: You mean you never…?
Me: No.
Her:

Wow that's a really weird conversation. Contraceptive pills have to be prescribed by the doctor and can be obtained from any pharmacy, and condoms can be bought in any pharmacy or supermarket, or got free from from a sexual health clinic. What an odd reason to miss Boots. Personally I wouldn't get "he must be a virgin" from this conversation, just that you don't shop in Boots.

 

[Ken]

Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old male with Asperger's from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since as of today there is only one month and one week left before my birthday, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.

I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees at an American university--mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I then went to the UK to study chemical engineering.

At that time, I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages.

When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.

But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.

My mother also has Asperger's. She was a virgin and single until age 27. But just like me, this was not by choice; she just ended up that way. Her father (my maternal grandfather) may have had Asperger's. He was a virgin and single until age 41. Again, not by choice. Might explain why I am in my 20s yet have a grandfather who was born before the end of the First World War. Virginity and relationship problems (plus autism spectrum disorders) seem to run through my mother's side of the family.

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni both here in USA and in Britain. Yet my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

For what it’s worth, I was single and virgin until the age of 44 before I finally met someone (I’m currently 67). I guess the Aspie in me made me totally not care what society thought about that. It was never a thought. If the subject ever came up, I would just say I was picky - which I was (am).

As it turned out, I am very happy that I was never intimate earlier. Everything runs on a timeline. Meeting my wife at the age of 44 turned out to be the perfect timing. It was the time when her path crossed mine. It was at a point in her life where she could love a weird Aspie like me. Now, after 23 years with her I realize that my life could not possibly be better. I am so glad that I never tried earlier. I feel that settling for someone just to satisfy society or any perception of “supposed to” would have most likely been a life disaster. I feel that it takes a very special person to love a weirdie like me. I believe that timeline is vital.

So, my two-cent’s-worth is to not worry about society, try to ignore such pressures. Let it happen naturally. Wait for yours and her timelines to intersect. 30 may be societies defined time-limit, but it is not a real or certainly not an optimal limit.

 

[Bolletje]

Where I live, in the circles I hang out with, discussing sex is done very freely. If someone were to mention being a virgin, it would be met with interest rather than disdain.

 

[Kalinychta]

I'm reading a book right now called The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared. The title character is castrated at a young age and so, unconstrained by sexual desire, spends his life traveling the world and focusing all of his attention on things that actually matter. Sounds pretty good to me. We waste so much time on sex and trying to make ourselves sexually attractive. It's insane. I even read somewhere a few months ago that more people visit porn sites every month than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined. Combined, for god's sake. We're a society of over-sexed, over-entertained morons. Does anyone remember the movie Idiocracy? This conversation reminds me of it in a way. Intelligent people like Lundi are finding relationships hard to come by, whereas all the backward idiots of San Francisco are screwing each other with abandon, and Lundi is treated like a leper because he isn't an idiot.

 

[Fino]

I just saw Idiocracy recently! Very interesting, thought-provoking movie.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Maybe this is unheard of in your region, but I'm living in a religious region; people who kept their virginity until marriage is a norm here.

And a person who focus on his studies instead of clubbing is regarded as much better. Here, clubbing symbolizes poor attitude.

So if in my region, nothing is wrong with you being virgin at 30. Except maybe the family members will wonder why you dont socialize much & when are you going to get married, but males seldomly got questioned about this, since the society here understands that you need to save enough money through working before marriage, and they respect you for focusing on your study.

 

[Daniel]

First, I'll qualify myself and state that I have no idea how much you know about dating, so I'm speculating based on your posts and my own experience as someone who is not a natural at socializing like a neurotypical.

One thing that helped me was to learn about how sexuality between men and women worked. I got myself some books and learning material about dating, and I must say, as a spectrumite, what I learned was practically brand new information to me. Helps me to understand just how truly different I am from other people.

I didn't have any notion of what constituted the masculine and feminine gender roles when it comes to sexuality. If you're pursuing neurotypical women, you need to understand how the social dynamics of that situation play out.

To use the yang/yin metaphor, the masculine is the creative, the feminine is the receptive. The man's role is to create the vibe that the woman feels, and to lead the interaction towards the intended goal. It takes social skill to pull this off, and it takes work to build these skills. You mentioned that you went on a few dates and women don't seem to like you. It's more useful to think that it's your job to create feelings that make her attracted to you. It's not that they didn't like you--you failed to make them feel something good (i.e. not friend-zone) about being with you.

If you're really serious about seeing results in this area, you have to be willing to work on yourself. Change and growth is the only way. Two resources that I liked in particular are Marni Kinrys of The Wing Girl Method, and Josh Pellicer, who wrote The Tao of Badass. In practically all of the dating advice materials I've read, the first exercise is to start to understand yourself, your values, your needs and wants, and how you feel about yourself.

Myself--I read all that stuff, and learned what you have to do in order to see results, and it's just not me. (There's a whole other story there.) Once I realized what I'm all about, and truly accepted my limitations, I stopped worrying about it. (I was with my ex-wife for 11 years, so my situation is different from yours.) I get the feeling that being sexually inactive is something that a lot of spectrum guys have to deal with.

(Two things that have been mentioned on this thread already--you'll probably have better luck with foreign women, and you may end up being one of those late bloomers who gets lucky and meets someone later in life.)

(Third thing... Someone suggested seeking the services of a professional, if all you're worried about is not being a virgin. I've had some good experiences myself. Might be worth it... But don't tell that story on a date! That won't help with your family, though.)

 

[AnnMoss]

There are many people here who are supportive and understanding and trying to help you feel more confident and educated. Perhaps you should look to your own people for companionship. I know it isn't physical touch, but perhaps you should consider long distance internet dating? Amazing relationships can happen. I suppose it depends on what sort of person you are attracted to and looking for as well. I have known men and women who are looking for an Adonis/Aphrodite regardless of possible character of those people and I feel it is an unfortunate consequence of social conditioning. Whether or not that is your case, I'm not sure. I'm not saying appearance doesn't matter, but if you are going through the city looking for people who do not have a compatible personality, why bother? You can have both. Internet. Keep using this space as a resource and learn. Also, be hopeful for your future - if it's in your blood to find partners later in life then it seems this could very well be the same path for you. I imagine those relatives also felt uncomfortable, but they made it eventually. Learn, learn, learn, and have hope.

 

[Lundi]

I have but a little more than two weeks before I turn 30. After that one time over a month ago when I went to a restaurant with that woman who started talking about birth control, I have had no more dates so far. My obsession with numerical significance and statistics tells me that that it is more than extremely likely that I turn 30 still being single/virgin.

There is very little online dating coach advice specifically for guys on the spectrum. What I am doing instead if just seeing what some of the advice for NT guys is (and of course the advice from here), and pick what makes sense to me and ignore the rest. For example, following the advice about being less serious, but ignoring the advice about quickly escalating touching. If she loses attraction because I do not engage in touching, then so be it. We would not be compatible if that is the case.

I think that after reflecting for weeks on this, looking back, I have probably hated myself for too long. Dealing with social anxiety, generalised anxiety, OCD, sinking in and out of depression depending on life situations, plus the Asperger's have made most of my life, especially my 20s, a psychological torture. But now I realise that I have been to hard on myself. Anything good that I accomplish, I compare with someone else and say well they did even better than I do.

I fail to consider the positives in myself, always focussing on the negatives. Probably due to listening too much to the insults/criticism over the years, especially of the "haha virgin loser" sort of comments. After deep introspection, I truly believe that I have a lot to offer. Maybe I am not the worthless, disgusting person that I always have considered myself to be for decades. Sometimes I feel sad that it seems like here where I am the women whom I meet do not see my positives, or I am just incompatible with so many here. But it is what it is, and I cannot change the past.

I try to look forward to beginning the 30s on a good note. All of the torture of my 20s I think I did not deserve it, but it is what it is. I can only try to change the future.

 

[Aspychata]

For my totally different perspective l offer you:

Some woman would love being the first. Say you are saving yourself for marriage. Go to a stylist who will help change your look, get you out of your comfort zone, and you maybe surprised.

Speed dating, look for it. 10 mins too short to talk about your status or lack of. Finally when you get to that place, don't mention it. Just use pure testosterone to guide you or ask her for help. And don't focus on it, there are woman who are virgins too. So it's okay. Really.