Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

[Lundi]

Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old male with Asperger's from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since as of today there is only one month and one week left before my birthday, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.

I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees at an American university--mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I then went to the UK to study chemical engineering.

At that time, I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages.

When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.

But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.

My mother also has Asperger's. She was a virgin and single until age 27. But just like me, this was not by choice; she just ended up that way. Her father (my maternal grandfather) may have had Asperger's. He was a virgin and single until age 41. Again, not by choice. Might explain why I am in my 20s yet have a grandfather who was born before the end of the First World War. Virginity and relationship problems (plus autism spectrum disorders) seem to run through my mother's side of the family.

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni both here in USA and in Britain. Yet my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[Sarah S]

Hello and wellcome first of all

The only advice i can give you is DONT try to rush this just as with those not on the Spectrum or other diagnosis this things have to be alowed to take the time it does.

And DONT listen to the females in youre age that says this complete noncence as they might as well be still Virgins and Without boyfriends. Same with males youre age. What they say is one thing and what's the facts and reality something else.

Btw 48 and both single and Virgin not by choice it just is what it is

Again DONT bring youre self down that way (HUG ) she ´s out there its only a question of finding her and for some it goes fast and some it takes time and yes for some they dont find the right one BUT thats life dear and there is nothing we can do about it then to look and be open when /if it happens.

& last stop comparing youre self to others you are YOU and its YOURE life so you live it as you wont to and be youre self if the girls so far havent been willing to accept who you are incl youre diagnose then youre better of Without them.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni both here in USA and in Britain. Yet my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Can't speak for other women but personally I couldn't care less whether a man is single and a virgin at 30, or any other age. I certainly wouldn't judge them for it or consider them unattractive or weird. I'm not sure how I would know anyway. I would find it unattractive if a guy was obsessed with his virginity and made it some sort of big deal. Confidence and good self esteem are attractive. I would advise seeing a therapist to work through your issues on this topic.

I'm 30, single, never been in a relationship. But then I'm happy this way so I suppose it's a different situation.

If a woman judges you for this then you are incompatible. Be grateful that they have removed themselves from your dating pool so that you can concentrate on find a woman who is compatible with you.

 

[Bolletje]

I think virginity is a concept that society puts way too much value on. It doesn’t say anything about who you are as a person, what you are like, what you can bring to the table as a prospective partner in a relationship. The only thing it says about you is that you’ve had sex with someone once. That doesn’t make you a better or more interesting person.
For me personally (a 33 year old woman) dating a virgin would not be a deal breaker. I’d be curious as to the reason someone is a virgin, but I wouldn’t think any less of them. The situation has never occurred in recent years as far as I know. When I was 19 I dated a 21-year old boy who didn’t tell me he was a virgin. After we’d first had sex he got high fives from all his friends and then it came out that I was his first. I was just mystified as to why he felt too ashamed to tell me in the first place. It honestly did not matter to me at all.
For me, personally, there was nothing mystical or magical about losing my virginity. It was fun, but it didn’t feel any different than the sex I had after that. It was just a simple, natural act.
I think it’s high time we as society did away with virginity as some sort of holy grail and just start judging people on who they are as a person instead.

 

[Wolfnox]

Sup. Im 28 and a virgin. Also a christian. Not really worried about dating or a relationship. Right now that isnt possible for me. I have felt that way before. But decided i did not want the anxiety and pressure a relationship would bring. Have aspergers officially diagnosed.

 

[VAW]

Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old male with Asperger's from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since as of today there is only one month and one week left before my birthday, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.

I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees at an American university--mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I then went to the UK to study chemical engineering.

At that time, I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages.

When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.

But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.

My mother also has Asperger's. She was a virgin and single until age 27. But just like me, this was not by choice; she just ended up that way. Her father (my maternal grandfather) may have had Asperger's. He was a virgin and single until age 41. Again, not by choice. Might explain why I am in my 20s yet have a grandfather who was born before the end of the First World War. Virginity and relationship problems (plus autism spectrum disorders) seem to run through my mother's side of the family.

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni both here in USA and in Britain. Yet my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

I think in this day and age I would find it very appealing to hear of a guy who didn't go with any woman just to have sex. I mean I understand if given a different situation maybe you would be that guy too. lol so don't feel bad, I am sure there are many women out there who wouldn't mind having you. Trouble is if you are not social, those women are hard to find. My son is 30 now and an Aspie pretty much in the same boat, so don't feel all alone there. There is a whole world out there and many things to do, sex and marriage or a partner is only one little tiny piece of the puzzle, enjoy life and when it happens it happens! I now live by this advice: I wanted kids, that is all I ever really wanted and I couldn't get pregnant so it became a thought in my mind at all times of how these people who don't really want kids are pregnant and getting abortions and here I REALLY want a baby and can't have one, I became distant to my friends with kids and even in the back of my mind was mad at the world because I couldn't have what I really wanted in life!!!! I gave up, got drunk all the time and partied hardy!!! Then one day I got pregnant but lost the baby maybe because my body was so run down from partying ???? but then about 6 months later I got pregnant again and now have 5 kids (adults now) IF I had only known not to get mad, not to worry about the future and just enjoy life the way it was, because after having kids life was never the same again. I should have just enjoyed where I was in life and let what comes be okay! You will meet someone, but sometimes what you want isn't all its cracked up to be either! lol Not that I would ever give up my kids, they are my world, and I am thankful every day for them, but the work involved in raising 5 kids wasn't easy, very tiring, and doctors visits, trips to the ER, home schooling 5 different grades. My life was never peaceful or easy again lol Worth it but stressful and a lot of work. So a relationship can be too.

 

[Tom]

Two suggestions. 1. Forget meaningless block checking and study what a healthy relationship is. 2. Don't choose a genocidal dictator as a user name.

 

[Lundi]

I think virginity is a concept that society puts way too much value on. It doesn’t say anything about who you are as a person, what you are like, what you can bring to the table as a prospective partner in a relationship. The only thing it says about you is that you’ve had sex with someone once. That doesn’t make you a better or more interesting person.
For me personally (a 33 year old woman) dating a virgin would not be a deal breaker. I’d be curious as to the reason someone is a virgin, but I wouldn’t think any less of them. The situation has never occurred in recent years as far as I know. When I was 19 I dated a 21-year old boy who didn’t tell me he was a virgin. After we’d first had sex he got high fives from all his friends and then it came out that I was his first. I was just mystified as to why he felt too ashamed to tell me in the first place. It honestly did not matter to me at all.
For me, personally, there was nothing mystical or magical about losing my virginity. It was fun, but it didn’t feel any different than the sex I had after that. It was just a simple, natural act.
I think it’s high time we as society did away with virginity as some sort of holy grail and just start judging people on who they are as a person instead.

I can attest that as a male, virginity is a rite of social passage. It is considered one of the "tests" of passing to become a real man. That guy got high fives, because his friends saw that he passed this test and became a real man. That is what they are thinking. That is not what I believe, but society does not help in that it reinforces these types of views. Losing one's virginity as early as possible is very important and weighs on the shoulder of every male, at least where I live. It is like this checklist you need, drank your first beer, drova car for the first time, losing your virginity. All are examples of what in male-to-male circles is part of rites of passage.

Obviously I failed this rite of passage, and many males look at me with disdain. I try now to never mention this topic. My mother was a virgin until age 27 involuntarily, yet she said that back then, very few if any females insulted her for this. So I suppose that women do not consider losing one's virginity as important as in male circles.

 

[tree]

"...women do not consider losing one's virginity as important as in male circles."

You must be joking.

 

[Lundi]

"...women do not consider losing one's virginity as important as in male circles."

You must be joking.

No, I am serious. My father occasionally hints that I am weird, because I have always been single and a virgin. Some extended family members have gossiped about me that I am not a real man and am a mere boy because of the virginity issue. Male colleagues believe similar things, and even worse, if I tell them. That is just the way it is here.

 

[tree]

There seems to be a family interest centered in sexual experience, as far as establishing value in life.
Sounds like there is a lack of ability to form relationships, so the accomplishment of the physical act
of intercourse is taken to have great meaning.

 

[BraidedPony]

Lie. It's nobody's business anyway.
Or
You could visit a brothel in Nevada where prostitution is legal.

 

[Bolletje]

So I suppose that women do not consider losing one's virginity as important as in male circles.

It is pretty much all my female friends talked about from age 16-18. While that is a bit of an exaggeration, everyone pretty much kept track of who had already done it and who hadn’t, and experiences were often talked about in vivid detail.

 

[Juliettaa]

No, I am serious. My father occasionally hints that I am weird, because I have always been single and a virgin. Some extended family members have gossiped about me that I am not a real man and am a mere boy because of the virginity issue. Male colleagues believe similar things, and even worse, if I tell them. That is just the way it is here.

It's odd that your father hints that you're weird, but even odder is that extended family know that you're still a virgin.

Their lives must be so small that they'd gossip about someone's lack of sexual experience and most repugnant having such outdated ideas about sexual prowess being the epitome of a real man.

I can't grasp why you'd discuss your virginity with your colleagues???!!! It's no one else's business but yours. I feel sorry for the woman you lose your virginity to as every Tom, Dick and Harry is going to know about it - family, extended family, colleagues.

Rather than fixating on losing your virginity, it may be beneficial to work on setting some boundaries.

 

[Fino]

Darn, I only have three more years until I'll be depressed then.

 

[Lundi]

It is pretty much all my female friends talked about from age 16-18. While that is a bit of an exaggeration, everyone pretty much kept track of who had already done it and who hadn’t, and experiences were often talked about in vivid detail.

As a learner of Dutch for several years, would I be correct in guessing rom your username that you are Dutch? Are people judgemental about virginity there as much as they are here?

I remember that some male acquaintances/friends had it done by age 13/14. But generally from ages 14-20 there was enormous pressure to lose one's virginity. A few who took it seriously also asked random males they met if they were virgins, and those who were virgins were "outed" to the public to be made fun of by everyone. I tried my best to avoid these groups.

To say that I feel terrible to be over twice that age and still be a virgin would be an understatement--it makes me feel shameful.

It certainly does not help that I live in the city which has probably the highest male-to-female ratio of people under 40 in the entire Western world. In my specific age group, the ratio could be as high as 70% male. Meetups and social gatherings that are for everyone can easily be over 90% male. I go to foreign language meetups, and sometimes the ratio is 100% male. The lowest is usually 90% male.

I guess that that is what happens when Google, Facebook, Uber, Twitter, Lyft and other IT companies are headquartered here. It attracts a huge amount of males from the tech industry. Both women and men are shallow and judgemental here. I am planning to move to Europe next year, so I hope that I can get out of this place and move to a place with a proper gender ratio and less superficial people.

 

[Tom]

I can attest that as a male, virginity is a rite of social passage. It is considered one of the "tests" of passing to become a real man. That guy got high fives, because his friends saw that he passed this test and became a real man. That is what they are thinking. That is not what I believe, but society does not help in that it reinforces these types of views. Losing one's virginity as early as possible is very important and weighs on the shoulder of every male, at least where I live. It is like this checklist you need, drank your first beer, drova car for the first time, losing your virginity. All are examples of what in male-to-male circles is part of rites of passage.

Obviously I failed this rite of passage, and many males look at me with disdain. I try now to never mention this topic. My mother was a virgin until age 27 involuntarily, yet she said that back then, very few if any females insulted her for this. So I suppose that women do not consider losing one's virginity as important as in male circles.

I believe what you say is more or less true, with variation, in many cultures. Though I think it is a shame it persists and is mostly derived from our baser instincts. I wish people could progress at their own pace and not on a societal/peer time schedule. It is important however to realize people on the spectrum have different arcs in their relationships. I think it takes longer to develop and know the statistics say they marry later on average then NTs and also have a higher unmarried rate. Even for NTs, finding a good lasting relationship is difficult (see divorce and brake up frequency) and for people on the spectrum it can be very much more so.

 

[Juliettaa]

Are people judgemental about virginity there as much as they are here?

@Lundi - where do you live?

ps - good to see that you've changed your user name

 

[Lundi]

@Lundi - where do you live?

San Francisco, California, USA. IT capital of the world. Also known as the male capital of the world.

 

[tree]

Never have heard of San Francisco being a male capital of the world.
Unless you mean gay.

LGBT culture in San Francisco - Wikipedia