Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

[Lundi]

It's odd that your father hints that you're weird, but even odder is that extended family know that you're still a virgin.

Their lives must be so small that they'd gossip about someone's lack of sexual experience and most repugnant having such outdated ideas about sexual prowess being the epitome of a real man.

I can't grasp why you'd discuss your virginity with your colleagues???!!! It's no one else's business but yours. I feel sorry for the woman you lose your virginity to as every Tom, Dick and Harry is going to know about it - family, extended family, colleagues.

Rather than fixating on losing your virginity, it may be beneficial to work on setting some boundaries.

My family are mostly from backwards third-world countries with ingrained patriarchal societies and a mindset from the 1800s. Some family members believe that people who have ASD should be locked up in mental institutions for life. You get the idea.

An example is when aunts and uncles at get-togethers would ask me, "Hey, you still single, boy? How old are you now 26?!" or "Hey, boy, I never saw any of your girlfriends. You do not want one or what, boy?"

It may be the Asperger's, but I always have felt obliged to answer questions totally honestly, without questioning the person's intentions of why they are asking in the first place.

My mother is much more sympathetic to my case, herself having Asperger's and also berated by family as a child. She was not insulted really for being a virgin until 27, but she was and is constantly berated for getting pregnant with me from her first time, plus out of wedlock. So my nickname amongst some family members is "the bastard".

My mother was called retarded and a mute as a child for her abnormal mannerisms and inability to respond to people in conversation due to Asperger's and selective mute autism. So she knows how I feel.

You are correct, I have set some boundaries. Last week I had severed all ties with my extended family, and I no longer will meet with them during family get-togethers. No point in meeting them so that they have more material to gossip about.

That still does not help that here in this city, where many people whom I meet are judgemental about relationships and virginity. Both male acquaintances/friends and women who may be interested. I once met a 33 year old male virgin during a meetup, and he was very ashamed of it when he admitted it to other people. Some male acquaintances refuse to talk to him because they do not want virgins as part of their social group. That includes people like me.

The only solution is to leave the city (and country), which I am working on right now.

 

[Kalinychta]

Math, biology, chemical engineering, chess, languages...you are exactly the kind of guy I would go for, so just know that there are plenty of women who would be thrilled to be with you. Having impaired social skills really does make it difficult to make a good impression, though, which almost everyone on this forum probably understands all too well.

Someone really needs to come up with a dating site specifically for autistic people. We're constantly measuring ourselves against "normal" people and feeling bad about ourselves. You sound like a fascinating, truly unique guy to me. The dummies who think you're strange should actually be envious of you, if anything. Anyone can pull down his pants and have sex, whereas most people lack the discipline, intelligence, and depth to pursue three degrees on top of learning chess and languages.

 

[Kalinychta]

As a learner of Dutch for several years, would I be correct in guessing rom your username that you are Dutch? Are people judgemental about virginity there as much as they are here?

I remember that some male acquaintances/friends had it done by age 13/14. But generally from ages 14-20 there was enormous pressure to lose one's virginity. A few who took it seriously also asked random males they met if they were virgins, and those who were virgins were "outed" to the public to be made fun of by everyone. I tried my best to avoid these groups.

To say that I feel terrible to be over twice that age and still be a virgin would be an understatement--it makes me feel shameful.

It certainly does not help that I live in the city which has probably the highest male-to-female ratio of people under 40 in the entire Western world. In my specific age group, the ratio could be as high as 70% male. Meetups and social gatherings that are for everyone can easily be over 90% male. I go to foreign language meetups, and sometimes the ratio is 100% male. The lowest is usually 90% male.

I guess that that is what happens when Google, Facebook, Uber, Twitter, Lyft and other IT companies are headquartered here. It attracts a huge amount of males from the tech industry. Both women and men are shallow and judgemental here. I am planning to move to Europe next year, so I hope that I can get out of this place and move to a place with a proper gender ratio and less superficial people.

Are you more bothered by the social stigma associated with still being a virgin, or do you genuinely want a relationship?

It disgusts me the way men/boys are taught to regard women, and how men measure each other's worth according to how disgustingly, brainlessly "alpha male" they are.

Maybe you could try some different meetup groups. Books, maybe?

 

[Lundi]

Are you more bothered by the social stigma associated with still being a virgin, or do you genuinely want a relationship?

It disgusts me the way men/boys are taught to regard women, and how men measure each other's worth according to how disgustingly, brainlessly "alpha male" they are.

Maybe you could try some different meetup groups. Books, maybe?

I definitely want a relationship, and the virginity problem would sort itself out eventually in that case.

With regards to the social stigma, I would wish that this "real man" macho man idiocy would go away for once and for all, but where I live it is well and truly alive in the minds of both men and women. One of my friends being a 33 year old virgin male, and other males refusing to associate with him because they refuse to be friends with virgins, to me, is appalling.

A big part of the social stigma, is that here, many women believe in this macho man thing, where a man who has had over 50 or 100 or whatever sexual experiences is seen as most datable. Meanwhilst someone like me is considered undateable, despite having three STEM degrees, am planning to study medicine in the future, I know five languages to C1-C2 level and over ten to B1-B2, is part of the polyglot community, won the Northern California primary school and high school chess championships as a kid, was part of the American delegation to the World U18 chess championships as a 15 year old--all of this is moot, solely because I have never had a girlfriend and am still a virgin at age 30.

I am definitely worried about women thinking similar to the men, that sexual prowess is über alles. Here many women think like this. But that is here. At the same time I know that not all women think like this. Seeing a woman like you post that you prefer intelligence instead of how many sexual encounters a man has gives me hope.

Right now I am trying to find suitable events on platforms like meetup.com, Couchsurfing, InterNations, and other places and see what shows up.

 

[FreeDiver]

Here's another way to look at it. Do you want to cause an unwanted pregnancy? I mean, you need to take this seriously. OK. let say you get a woman and have a one night stand. Then what? Congratulations! You just lost your virginity. Now you got bragging rights. But what if that woman gets pregnant? Now you just brought a kid in this world that will never grow up with a dad and the state will come after you ass for child support.

You know. The next time those guys ask you about your virginity. Ask them this. How much are the child support payment? Do you ever take the time to visit you kid? Do you plan on doing the right thing and marrying the woman you got pregnant? Stick the facts to them and stand up for yourself.

 

[Ugly Adam]

Hey man there's nothing wrong with that. Actually the way I see it is that you have more love to give to your special someone, whenever you find her. I believe that there is one, very special someone, for everybody.

If you end up only being with one person in your life, you can brag about your commitment. All the rest of what they say in culture and the media is politically-motivated propaganda. They don't want people to have happy relationships and so they want to discourage people from commitment. This tears up society and divides people up so that they can come out on the long end of the stick.

 

[Lundi]

Here's another way to look at it. Do you want to cause an unwanted pregnancy? I mean, you need to take this seriously. OK. let say you get a woman and have a one night stand. Then what? Congratulations! You just lost your virginity. Now you got bragging rights. But what if that woman gets pregnant? Now you just brought a kid in this world that will never grow up with a dad and the state will come after you ass for child support.

You know. The next time those guys ask you about your virginity. Ask them this. How much are the child support payment? Do you ever take the time to visit you kid? Do you plan on doing the right thing and marrying the woman you got pregnant? Stick the facts to them and stand up for yourself.

That is another way to look at it. When I was younger, due to OCD I was overly concerned about STI's and unwanted pregnancies, but thinking now, surely with condoms and birth control and carefulness it would at least highly diminish the chances of these things. But similarly, one cannot refrain from driving a car completely because of the chance of accidents.

Thinking about this again, I noticed that that is why I have a bunch of half-siblings on my father's side who are all almost 50--all the result of multiple unwanted pregnancies from a young age​

I do not have any STI's or caused any women any unwanted pregnancies, true, but somehow it feels like small consolation in exchange for being in this state.

 

[Fino]

Don't worry. Sex is icky.

 

[100skerls]

Don’t rush into anything to check a box, it’s worse than abstinence in my opinion. Having relationships with people who don’t understand you is painful too. The way you feel is normal though, try joining clubs maybe that fit your interests and maybe you will find people that way and in the mean time socialization at all will ease the discomfort in my opinion/ experience. Best of luck, i love and miss San Francisco - so jealous!!!

 

[100skerls]

Also from my perspective focusing on education over seeking out sex is a really good thing and it should be appreciated not something to be judgmental over and if a woman judges you for that it’s a reflection either of her shame or that she doesn’t really care to think for herself and just repeats what is considered normal and not normal in society without caring to think about why it matters. If they did think about it they’d see that they shouldn’t care. I’ve heard of women that find it unattractive when a man orders a salad instead of a steak. People can be petty and ridiculous, it’s not you.

 

[Fade2black]

American women who're not asspies are obnoxious, I know that'll offend some, but so be it. Try Filipino cupid. I found that women from overseas 'expect' there will be differences whereas American women are narrow in what they deem is normal. Most Filipina's are gentle, understanding and caring. This comes from 15 years of working in SE Asia.

 

[100skerls]

That’s my experience too but I don’t know if that’s just because I’ve not had enough contact with them/ don’t understand them well enough.

 

[Kalinychta]

American women who're not asspies are obnoxious, I know that'll offend some, but so be it. Try Filipino cupid. I found that women from overseas 'expect' there will be differences whereas American women are narrow in what they deem is normal. Most Filipina's are gentle, understanding and caring. This comes from 15 years of working in SE Asia.

My mother, sister, and niece are not autistic, and they’re not obnoxious or malicious, nor are my non-autistic female friends. Making rude sweeping generalizations about women says more about you than it does about the people you’re criticizing.

 

[Fade2black]

Calling it as I see it, and if you've been following this message board, as many see it. I don't really care that you're offended, you're probably not autistic if you don't understand.

 

[Kalinychta]

Calling it as I see it, and if you've been following this message board, as many see it. I don't really care that you're offended, you're probably not autistic if you don't understand.

I’m not offended. I’m merely pointing out that your comment is irrational.

I have been following this thread. The general consensus seems to be that both men and women can be shallow and hurtful.

I don’t recall the DSM listing the belief that non-autistic American women are obnoxious or malicious as being an indicator of autism.

 

[Fade2black]

Follow all the threads, I'm sure there is plenty far more offensive than what I think or feel. If my opinion, which is exactly my opinion, has you rattled like this, you may want to check yourself.

 

[Kalinychta]

Follow all the threads, I'm sure there is plenty far more offensive than what I think or feel. If my opinion, which is exactly my opinion, has you rattled like this, you may want to check yourself.

Oh, okay then.

 

[Kalinychta]

I definitely want a relationship, and the virginity problem would sort itself out eventually in that case.

With regards to the social stigma, I would wish that this "real man" macho man idiocy would go away for once and for all, but where I live it is well and truly alive in the minds of both men and women. One of my friends being a 33 year old virgin male, and other males refusing to associate with him because they refuse to be friends with virgins, to me, is appalling.

A big part of the social stigma, is that here, many women believe in this macho man thing, where a man who has had over 50 or 100 or whatever sexual experiences is seen as most datable. Meanwhilst someone like me is considered undateable, despite having three STEM degrees, am planning to study medicine in the future, I know five languages to C1-C2 level and over ten to B1-B2, is part of the polyglot community, won the Northern California primary school and high school chess championships as a kid, was part of the American delegation to the World U18 chess championships as a 15 year old--all of this is moot, solely because I have never had a girlfriend and am still a virgin at age 30.

I am definitely worried about women thinking similar to the men, that sexual prowess is über alles. Here many women think like this. But that is here. At the same time I know that not all women think like this. Seeing a woman like you post that you prefer intelligence instead of how many sexual encounters a man has gives me hope.

Right now I am trying to find suitable events on platforms like meetup.com, Couchsurfing, InterNations, and other places and see what shows up.

I'm really surprised that you're finding it so difficult to meet someone who likes you. Most of the women I know would be very interested in a guy like you. You're definitely not associating with the right people, that's for sure. I think you'd pair well with an academic (e.g. a professor), being as highly-educated as you are.

 

[Lundi]

I'm really surprised that you're finding it so difficult to meet someone who likes you. Most of the women I know would be very interested in a guy like you. You're definitely not associating with the right people, that's for sure.

This is very possible. At meetups I often meet very extroverted, outgoing neurotypical women. There are quite a few that are the equivalent of an "alpha female" type: those who like nightclubbing, parties, outdoor stuff like sports and hiking, but not much into academics. However, this is also typical of male acquaintances here. They focus on making huge sums of money, bars/nightclubs and outdoor activities. Sometimes if I mention the foreign language stuff, I asked why I spend time on learning languages instead of hiking in the hills or clubbing.

That is one blunder that I committed during university--neglecting social life and instead studying too much. It definitely would have been easier to meet more academic women back then. It is harder now, being out of an academic setting.

I notice that there are a lot of males who could be on the spectrum here, but I have met very few women, if at all, who were on the spectrum.

I remember last month I met a woman who was baffled as to why I spent my time with languages instead of hiking and made a curious comment, supposedly as a joke, saying that real men go outdoors and do sports things instead of staying in all day. I know that it was supposed to be a joke, but I think that she kind of meant it at least a bit seriously too.

 

[Bolletje]

As a learner of Dutch for several years, would I be correct in guessing rom your username that you are Dutch? Are people judgemental about virginity there as much as they are here?

It really depends on who you hang out with and what kind of school you go to. Some groups of people are highly judgmental, some not so much. I remember my friends talking about it a lot, but not in a judgmental way. I mostly hung out with a hippie-like “live and let live” type of crowd. Yes, we were curious about sex and wanted to know what it was like from the people who had had it, but being a virgin wasn’t considered a bad thing.
Meanwhile some of my classmates were relentlessly bullying a girl in our class who had poor social skills and an unfortunate skin condition, telling her she’d be a virgin forever. And in my sister’s school there was a lot of peer pressure to get it over with a soon as possible so you would be considered cool.