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Featured Feeling depressed due to being single at 30

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Lundi, Sep 17, 2019.

  1. Lundi

    Lundi Well-Known Member

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    I like my style--it is oldschool, long hair with 1960s aviator glasses. A lot of people dislike me for this look, because being modern is in fashion here. But I am not changing my appearance just because people dislike it, including some of the women with whom I have went on dates.

    There are just three hours left until midnight (tomorrow), i.e. my 30th birthday. I feel anxious. Over the past two months I have shed a lot of the shame/fear I have had from being single/virgin, but at least a little bit of that uncomfortable, uneasy feeling still remains. I am trying, though.
     
  2. VAW

    VAW Active Member

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    I say stick with your style if that is what you like!!! BE YOU! Someone will come along that loves that style! and Happy Birthday!
     
  3. Lundi

    Lundi Well-Known Member

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    Thank you. I should at least be kinder to myself today. It is funny, on my Facebook, since my birthdate is public and it gives notifications, I see that almost 50 people have defriended me, and over 45 of them were women. I just have to ignore things like that and focus on myself more.
     
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  4. VAW

    VAW Active Member

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    What do you mean de-friended you? Stopped being your friend??? On your birthday?
     
  5. Lundi

    Lundi Well-Known Member

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    On Facebook, I meant that they deleted me from their friends list. I think that Facebook automatically sends out notifications to your friends when it is your birthday. But those people all deleted me presumably when they got the notification. I have an app that shows which people unfriended me and when.

    I would think that it is pretty low to unfriend someone on their birthday, but that is just me.
     
  6. Lundi

    Lundi Well-Known Member

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    One week into my 30s, I have done some introspection.


    So I am now 30 years (and one week) old and still single/virgin. But since my mother knew just a few months ago that she had Asperger's, and then knowing that I had it as well, I wonder if this is handicapping me in social interactions. Very recently I started reading about this, and it seems like many older male virgins (and perhaps older female virgins?) are single/virgin that long usually because of some sort of ASD.


    I am now back home from my holiday. Just this Saturday I attended my regular meetup. But this time it was a Halloween special fancy dress party, although fancy dress was not mandatory. Maybe because on my trip I did not socialise very much but mostly kept to myself, I felt very awkward during this meetup.


    I seemed to have given off an stern, reprimanding vibe, because it seemed like many people, especially the women, seemed a bit put off by my tone. But I really do not notice it. I do know that I do not know when people cannot hear me, unless they tell me. Then I speak much louder. But then they say that I am shouting. And I am brutally honest, am one of those "tell it like it is" people. For many reasons, here in San Francisco people do not like brutal honesty. But I cannot help it, that is just how I talk. I noticed though that way more people tried to avoid me, even excusing themselves to go to the opposite side of the room when I tried to join in a group to talk.


    There was one moment where this woman introduced herself to me after having stared at me with a strange look for more than twenty times throughout the meetup. We talked for a while, and she wondered why I had two books sticking out of my jacket pockets. I said that those were language textbooks that I read on the way to the meetup, since public transit is painfully slow here. She asked about my languages, and was impressed when I explained my foreign languages that I knew. The conversation seemed to somewhat flow, at least.


    However, soon the DJ arrived and loud, blasting music was playing in the venue. The dance floor opened up, and the music was as loud as if I were on the tarmac of an aeroport waiting to board my plane and heard the engines running. Eventually everyone started dancing, including her. I just stood there, as stiff as the Rock of Gibraltar, with people dancing all round me. She then asked me, "What is wrong? Why are you not dancing?", and I just froze. I had a very bad flashback to when I was around 12 years old and at a school dance for students in the last year of my primary school. At that time, the same thing happened-a girl asked me to dance and I froze like a rock. Almost my entire class looked at me, and some male pupils tried to teach me in real time how to slow-dance with the girl. But I could not do it, inviting more embarrassment and ridicule. All of this returned to my memory when the woman asked me to dance during this meetup. I just stood there for over a minute. Then the woman seemed to feel pity for me, and said, "Please, just try to dance." I said, "No, I cannot do this." She said, Just try. Just try. It is not hard. Just give it a try." Again, I froze like a rock. I just stood there for five minutes in my own world, stiff and not moving with everyone dancing round me on the dance floor. Eventually, feeling completely out of place, I quietly left the dance floor and exited the door of the meetup venue. I felt the incident that happened when I was 12 repeating itself just two days after my 30th birthday.


    It is during times like these that I feel completely lost in how to remedy my social awkwardness. It certainly is destroying my dating life (or whatever even existed of it).
     
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  7. Lundi

    Lundi Well-Known Member

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    This was from the other thread, and I did not want to shift the topic there.

    I do see a lot of similarities with the Donald character. However I do not talk aloud like he does. Since I am painfully shy, I keep my thoughts to myself and very rarely start conversations with strangers. I can definitely relate to when he is asked about sex, he says, "I just have not had it in a really, really long time" and looks mentally distraught. What is a big difference from my experiences is that his girlfriend says that she had never met someone like him before, and that it is a positive.

    In my own experiences almost always she would get shocked and say something similar to "virgin loser" or "gross virgin", "What is wrong with you?", etc. Then she would just want nothing more to do with me, and/or gossip would spread thereafter. I do not think that I have met any woman who were understanding and compassionate like in the movie. At least not yet.

    There was a line that she said in the bed scene, "Whatever you are, is exactly what I want." I do not think that any of the women with whom I went on dates said anything remotely similar to that.

    The main point seems to be that I can relate a lot to the male character, but his girlfriend acts much more differently compared to women here in my own experiences.
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2019 at 5:15 PM
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  8. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    I love Mozart and the Whale. It’s the only movie about autistic people I’ve ever seen that doesn’t depict us as sad cases to be pitied or as amusing clowns.

    Anyway, you need to get away from these awful people you tell us about. Really. Their cruelty and narrow-mindedness are only making you feel worse. I think you should follow Aspychata’s advice and find somewhere to volunteer. Maybe find a group for polyglots or one related to a subject you like. Volunteer at a library. Become a tutor. If nothing else, maybe you’ll make some friends. The bottom line is that you’re overdue for a change of social scenery. Forcing yourself to go to places that you don’t feel comfortable in is madness. Seriously, you went to a place that had a DJ and where there was dancing? You couldn’t drag me into a place like that with a rope.

    There are a lot of nice people in the world. Stop trying to be liked by the type of people who call you a “virgin loser.” Seek out less superficial people. They’re out there.
     
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  9. Lundi

    Lundi Well-Known Member

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    I went to an event just to see my only acquaintance here, a guy in his late 40s from rural Minnesota. He said that he respected me because I acted much more mature than my real age, and that I acted more like a 50 year old friend. But I have not seen him in months, I think that he might have stopped attending meetups. I know that several times in the past he had told me that he was getting fed up with people treating him like dirt at events. And the last event I had a verbal debate with some people, and one kept calling me stupid to my face.

    I think that if there are any positives at all (I think they call this a silver lining), the meetups helped me to become much more street smart and much less naïve. However, as a negative, I have argued with people a lot and been insulted countless times. Plus I am now highly paranoid and suspicious of people upon meeting for the first time, or even after the first time.

    I am trying to find some suitable groups. Joining a campaign for a certain working class presidential campaign for example as a job. Maybe European groups. Since I plan to move in the coming years I am trying to find some connection group so that I get to know people from Europe beforehand. Perhaps a better foreign language group. I used to attend a foreign language meetup, but the people were basically the same types of people, and in many cases even the exact same individuals, from the other meetups that I attended.

    Having finished watching the film, I would hope that people really are kinder than how it seems to me. My parents also have trouble with people here on a daily basis. The lack of respect and manners, the propensity to berate and exclude people who are not within societal norms, i.e. "othering" people, is something that is now deeply engrained in society in this area. Sometimes one just wonders where the good people, or at least non-judgemental, welcoming people are. In my case, especially the women who are not the ones who say "ew virgin" types.

    I do think that those past experiences, such as people berating me to my face, certainly did make my self-esteem plunge to the Mariana Trench. Confidence is being comfortable in oneself despite what others think. But I think that it would take an extremely mentally strong, thick-skinned person to have confidence whilst being insulted on a close to daily basis, plus not seeing results despite trying all sorts of stuff.

    My parents get berated by others, usually people in their 20s and 30s, for not making six figures or more, for being old, for not working in tech, for having no friends, etc. I could only imagine how many insults that at they would receive if they went to social gatherings.
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2019 at 11:27 PM
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  10. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    I hated the town I grew up in, so I fled from it as soon as I was able. You should leave San Francisco. The people there aren’t going to change. But people everywhere are difficult to deal/connect with, especially when you’re autistic. I’m fortunate to have one really good friend whom I feel completely comfortable with. I can be myself around her. It can be difficult to find good friends, but they are out there.
     
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  11. Lundi

    Lundi Well-Known Member

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    I want to go back to university, but this time in Italy. It will be my gateway to escape this place. As well as a way to help get my parents out of here.

    I am currently studying Italian intensively by myself so that I can improve from my only upper-intermediate level and get into the high advanced level. Then I can sit the C1 or C2 language exam. Given my thing with languages, this should not be particularly difficult. I also am going to get my personal documentation officially translated at the Italian embassy.

    I think that in my late 20s I was a bit lost about what to do about my situation. Kind of like stuck in Gilligan's Island, except that the people on the ship all hated me.
     
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  12. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I would do the same if I were younger and better with languages. Italy is my favourite place.
     
  13. Lundi

    Lundi Well-Known Member

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    I am of the view that anyone can learn a language no matter their age. According to statistics, I should be getting worse at languages as I get older. However, I can learn languages much faster and more efficiently now at 30, compared to when I was for example 13 or 14.

    I like Italy a lot. It is true that a lot of the locals tend to be more on the extroverted side, like many Mediterraneans, but there are also a lot of introverts as well. Even though people are not as reserved as for example Germans or Norwegians, I can relate more with people over there compared to over here.

    I am kind of stuck in a place where I know several languages, but I seem to not be able to use them since a lot of people are not similar to me and vice versa. I might as well put the languages to use.
     
  14. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Not me, I can barely remember my own phone number. A poor short term memory does not make for learning a new language. My french is good, spanish terrible, and italian barely enough to get by.
     
  15. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Not that I agree or disagree.

    I still recall high school where foreign language instructors had to designate their students as "NFL" or not, pertinent to any thought of higher education. NFL meaning "no foreign language" advised. Even in the event such students technically passed their high school foreign language class.

    Educators who had to make such a decision at time that could negatively impact their students' options if they chose to go onto college. Where in many cases so many credits for foreign languages were a requirement.
     
  16. Lundi

    Lundi Well-Known Member

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    In high school, I did not want to take more years of P.E. (gym) nor take electives like art. So, I asked the school administration if I could substitute all of those requirements for foreign languages. They let me, and I took a few years each of Spanish, Mandarin Chinese and German.

    The teaching was terrible, and I figured out how much easier and more efficient it was to just teach myself instead of relying on a teacher to instruct me.
     
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