Expectations for regularity of contact

[Christy]

I'm finding a dynamic in my family very frustrating, and I don't know if my family is unique, or if this is standard across all families.

I find when I haven't been in contact as regularly as they evidently want, instead of phoning or emailing me to say hello, they instead get angry at me, withdraw, and then send subtle messages that I have done something wrong. It is then up to me to "grovel" in order to make them happy again.

For example, despite the fact I have seen my sister last weekend, and the fortnight before, she evidently is not happy I have not contacted her to catch up on a personal level. She sent me an email yesterday which had no subject line and only one line of text "You don't write or call?"

My parents do the same. If they are missing me, they don't contact me to say hello, they'll send a message via another person that they are not happy I've been out of contact.

I don't understand! If they are missing me and want to catch up, why don't they say so? I would happily take the call and I would even have a boost of self esteem because they are missing me. Instead, they take this approach that makes me feel bad about myself, and they make me feel as though I've done something wrong, even though they have not contacted me either??

Is my family unique, or do you find the same sort of thing? How do you deal with it??

 

[Ste11aeres]

That's not a dynamic standard to all families. Not at all.

 

[Judge]

It sounds like they have no understanding of you, and yet they demand you to have an understanding of them.

If they were my family I'm afraid such behavior would probably serve to distance me even further from them. But then in my own case, I always kept in touch with my mother. My brother can go off the radar for months at a time...and then pop up. It's his way...I'm ok with it.

 

[Christy]

My sisters (who are both teachers) flatly denied my aspie diagnosis could be correct. I'm nothing like the little aspie boys they have in their classes, so I don't expect any understanding from them.

It certainly does serve to distance me from them. They put me in the dilemma of either withdrawing further, or grovelling. A lot of the time I ignore the comments and icyness, and I just waltze in as if nothing is wrong. They warm up after a while, but I'm just getting sick of it. Life's hard enough without these sorts of games!

 

[Peace]

I'm finding a dynamic in my family very frustrating, and I don't know if my family is unique, or if this is standard across all families.

I find when I haven't been in contact as regularly as they evidently want, instead of phoning or emailing me to say hello, they instead get angry at me, withdraw, and then send subtle messages that I have done something wrong. It is then up to me to "grovel" in order to make them happy again.

For example, despite the fact I have seen my sister last weekend, and the fortnight before, she evidently is not happy I have not contacted her to catch up on a personal level. She sent me an email yesterday which had no subject line and only one line of text "You don't write or call?"

My parents do the same. If they are missing me, they don't contact me to say hello, they'll send a message via another person that they are not happy I've been out of contact.

I don't understand! If they are missing me and want to catch up, why don't they say so? I would happily take the call and I would even have a boost of self esteem because they are missing me. Instead, they take this approach that makes me feel bad about myself, and they make me feel as though I've done something wrong, even though they have not contacted me either??

Is my family unique, or do you find the same sort of thing? How do you deal with it??

I get this too. I will often get snide remarks(or little digs), that infer that I am "The Bad Child" or something like that. I ignore it, or give the comment right back. Example: "We have not heard from you in over a week....Me: Yes, I noticed you have not called me. Conversation immediately moves on to something else.

 

[Judge]

My sisters (who are both teachers) flatly denied my aspie diagnosis could be correct.

Sadly that says a great deal- about them.

There are those who do not understand but want to and eventually will to some degree. There are those who do not understand and can't. And there are those who do not understand and don't want to.

 

[Vanilla]

I had similar issues with my family, though they're a little better these days. The only way I was able to manage the issue, was by telling them how it made me feel. They weren't aware it was making me feel that way, so perhaps your family simply don't realise how you feel.

 

[Turk]

Wow Christy, your family and my family need to get together. Admittedly I lose track of time a bit and I dont ring as often as I should, but it always seems to be me who has to initiate contact. Then comes the text with the not too subtle undertones. Pick up the god dam phone and ring me. On top that, after they've guilted me into ringing, they start talking about the weather and politics. They have nothing of any interest, I wish to listen or talk about. Sheeeeeesh

 

[ghoulbler]

Yeah... well, I'm sure that once I move out, I'll rarely contact my family. I have friends who I haven't spoken to in a very long time. I just don't feel the need to constantly talk to people if I have nothing in particular to say to them. I still think of them as being close to me, and it's not their fault. I just have nothing to say, or talking to them is not part of my routine. I have a few friends I talk to every day just because it is routine, I'm used to it. I'd get agitated if I didn't speak to them. But then I have to change my routine after a while and end up speaking to different people.
Lots of people get angry at me over this. No matter how many times it happens, their anger always comes as a shock. I feel like... they haven't specifically spoken to me about their needs and expectations in regards to our friendship/family dynamic so why are they getting angry at me for not following some unspoken rule?
I suppose they get angry because when they care about someone, they want to have constant contact with them, so if someone that they thought cared about THEM rarely ever reached out/spoke to them, they'd wonder if something is wrong. The confusion leads to anger. It's a mixture of anger/sadness/fear. Fear of the idea of losing you, probably.
I guess you could explain to those close to you that your lack of constant contact doesn't say anything negative about your relationship and that you DO care. Not many can put up with it, though, or believe something isn't wrong. Its' hard but you need to find people who can meet you halfway when it comes to needs/expectations/etc or work on getting them to understand.

 

[Steph06]

Oh my family absolutely does this too, Christy. I don't respond to their passive aggressive messages, which of course makes all of this worse. It's pretty messed up and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[tlc]

Sounds to me like most people I know, family or not. My family does this to a point. For many of us, being alone for days is normal. For most NT's, it is a social disaster.

Do they really do anything for you, or do you give into their games because keeping up with them is "what you're supposed to do"?

With my family, I just tell them if something's wrong I'll say something, otherwise just let me be, I'll be fine. Eventually it sinks in, but during storms I get the repetitive text messages "you home yet?" when it's hours before I am normally home and they know that. I finally told them I'll drive better in the storm if I don't have to worry about reporting my whereabouts and I'll say something when I get home, no matter what time.

My ex's family used to do that too, like one spring I got a lot accomplished like repainting the frame and redoing the roof of my camper, and actually felt pretty good for a change. Till I had to hear that I didn't spend enough time with them. Guess I just can't win.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

Sounds like me alot. My sister gets mad at me, and I try to explain to her that I'm not ignoring her. Everyone I know and loves gets and equal share of NOT getting my attention.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I know this is an old thread, but that list of related threads shows up at the bottom of each thread when I post, and I just can't resist the good ones!

I'm finding a dynamic in my family very frustrating, and I don't know if my family is unique, or if this is standard across all families.

I find when I haven't been in contact as regularly as they evidently want, instead of phoning or emailing me to say hello, they instead get angry at me, withdraw, and then send subtle messages that I have done something wrong. It is then up to me to "grovel" in order to make them happy again.

For example, despite the fact I have seen my sister last weekend, and the fortnight before, she evidently is not happy I have not contacted her to catch up on a personal level. She sent me an email yesterday which had no subject line and only one line of text "You don't write or call?"

My parents do the same. If they are missing me, they don't contact me to say hello, they'll send a message via another person that they are not happy I've been out of contact.

I don't understand! If they are missing me and want to catch up, why don't they say so? I would happily take the call and I would even have a boost of self esteem because they are missing me. Instead, they take this approach that makes me feel bad about myself, and they make me feel as though I've done something wrong, even though they have not contacted me either??

Is my family unique, or do you find the same sort of thing? How do you deal with it??

So this is called a guilt trip. They're trying to make you feel guilty for a problem THEY have. Peace had it right...If they're the ones wanting to talk that day, they can call and talk. If they feel the need to complain about how long it's been, remind them that phones work in both directions. Simply refuse to feel or accept any guilt.

My dad pulls this crap when I'm around him. He gets this pitiful look on his face, pouty lip and all, and whines, "so don't I get a hug?" I'm trying to muster the courage to just say no, lol. One time I did respond, "I don't know, are you going to GIVE a hug?"

Grr, this kind of mess makes me so mad. You are NOT responsible to make sure THEIR needs all get met. They're adults. They can look after their own little feelings.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I have seen that in other families, but not in mine. (None I'm directly related to, anyway. Guilt-trip 'em right back.)

My mom and I have a phone schedule that works great for both of us. Utilizing the "mommy network" most of the family stays in touch with each other by relaying messages through the women of the family anyway, the men and certain female relatives (aunts, nieces, etc.) are content with their updates without having to seek them directly, and so they're happy with their only direct contact being on holidays and various visits.

 

[Shawn D]

My family isn't big, but for some reason, several members have decided to "cut off" communication with other members. Too much drama in my family and when I try to stay out of it, I seem to get dragged in.
My Aunt is very passive aggressive and it was Hell living with her for about a year a few years ago when I was trying, yet again, to get back on my feet. I'd do something "wrong" and she'd wait to tell me until it got so bad she'd blow up at me out of the blue. She even went as far to tell me that she and I needed to have "a serious discussion about something", but then schedule said discussion for two days later, leaving me plenty of time to fret about it. (She and my uncle ended up talking about my lack of awareness and how it wasn't my fault, because, as they put it, I was "raised by wolves". Sure, my parents weren't there for me much growing up, but I now know that is not the reason for my obviousness.
I straight up told her that her passive aggressive crap wasn't working for me and that she needed to be more direct with me. I'm married and I don't live with her anymore, but she hasn't done much to change her passive aggressive tendencies, and to this day, I never know what I've said or done that she might be stewing over to come back and bite me later.

 

[clg114]

I get the same thing from my family, except my Aspie son. I think it is because they have socially driven life styles and do not understand my Aspie ways. I care about my family, I just don't feel the need to be in contact every day.

 

[apsie]

For many of us, being alone for days is normal. For most NT's, it is a social disaster.

A social death can bring as much pain and fear as the real thing for a lot of people.
My family does this to, all the time.
I try to work around it most of the time, avoiding confrontations as they tend to make me withdraw for weeks on end.
I've not found a good way to deal with it as of today.
Being upfront about it did not work, because when people "choose" (I've noticed sometimes they actually choose to be emotional rather then rational) to be emotional there really is nothing you can say or do, atleast that I know of.

 

[Cali Cat]

This is a good quote that explains my family dynamic too:

Admittedly I lose track of time a bit and I dont ring as often as I should, but it always seems to be me who has to initiate contact. Then comes the text with the not too subtle undertones. Pick up the god dam phone and ring me. On top that, after they've guilted me into ringing, they start talking about the weather and politics. They have nothing of any interest, I wish to listen or talk about.

I don't understand this behavior myself, but this quote makes some sense:

A social death can bring as much pain and fear as the real thing for a lot of people ...

It helps me understand their need for contact even though there's nothing worth talking about. I still don't understand the guilt trip thing though. I tend to think it's just a means of creating drama and something to argue about ... in the case of my family anyway.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I still don't understand the guilt trip thing though. I tend to think it's just a means of creating drama and something to argue about ... in the case of my family anyway.

Many of my family members genuinely believe that if they feel lonely, it's someone else's fault for not reaching out enough. They feel that other people are responsible for meeting those social needs, and if those needs aren't met, it's because people close to them have failed to love them sufficiently or pay enough attention to them. Thus, the guilt trip.

I've tried explaining to them that each adult is responsible for seeing to it that their own needs get met, in one way or another, or living with it when needs can't be met for some reason. And that each person is responsible for their own feelings...that if I do something that makes you angry, it's your responsibility to deal with your anger in healthy ways rather than blaming me for ruining your day...and vice versa.

In one ear and out the other--it really, truly does not make sense to them.

 

[Cali Cat]

Many of my family members genuinely believe that if they feel lonely, it's someone else's fault for not reaching out enough. They feel that other people are responsible for meeting those social needs, and if those needs aren't met, it's because people close to them have failed. Thus, the guilt trip.

Ah, so that must've been my father's problem. See, I never understood that because my mind doesn't even perceive things in that way. I never could figure out why he felt it was my problem that he was lonely all the time. I gave him many options for making friends, but he didn't want any of it. Instead, he wanted me to spend hours a day on the phone keeping him company.