Does my mom have Aspergers?

[jellybean590]

I'm 18 and I've known for awhile now that my mom is't "normal". I've recently heard a friend talking about her sister with Aspergers and her obsession with horses and it made me wonder about my mom. I looked it up and for the first time in my entire life I feel like I have my mom figured out. I came here with the intention of telling you guys about her and her symptoms and get some feed back since you can all relate. I'll try and make it as short as I can

- She has no friends and has always been painfully shy. When raising me and my brothers she literally saw no one except for us.
- She's overly sensitive and super paranoid. She always thinks people are plotting against her or talking behind her back or judging her.
- She's always been beautiful and model skinny and she NEVER stops talking about it. In fact I partly blame her for my eating disorder. Starting in kindergarden she would tell me how beautiful and skinny I was going to be when I was older just like her. She said I didn't need good grades or an education because being skinny and gorgeous was enough to get a man who could. When we'd go out, she'd always say things like "oh that mom doesn't like me because I'm so skinny, and she's fat" or "Oh that girl was mean to you today? She was probably jealous because you're so pretty an she's chubby and all the boys like you!"
- She's never had a real job in her life. She can't do simple things like use the internet or the phone and refuses to learn how yet she insists she still capable of getting a job when she needs it.
- Me and my family pretty much live in a dump because she can't clean up after herself. She also wears the same outfit every day.
- She has a very strange sense of speaking and weird mannerisms that I can't really explain
- She's OBSESSED with Irish Culture, Genealogy, Antiques, and her hometown. (I swear I know more about it than MY hometown) She forces my little sister to be in Irish pageants and compete in Irish dance
- She comes off as being sensitive and selfless almost like this childlike innocent little girl. She over emphasizes her motherly role and clings on to us and tells us shes the good parent and my dads the bad guy (he kind of is but he isn't. Hes has narcissistic personally disorder and I'll save him for another post).
- My brother was diagnosed with autism but with therapy he's 16 and he's pretty much grown out of it.
- She's stupid. Like not in a mean way, shes incredibly slow when it comes to learning things or talking to people. She doesn't realize how weird she is or that the things she's talking about are boring or bizarre or insensitive and people avoid because of it

Anyway thats not even beginning to explain her personality. I'm so frustrated with her all the time and I hate that I have to raise myself and my younger siblings and I hate that because of her I don't know how to make friends or emotionally open up to anyone and I hate that both my parents screwed me up and now I have to pay for it. But I mostly hate how besides all that I still love them and I want to know if I can fix them. Sorry it was long, thank you for reading

 

[Jontish]

Re: Do you think my mom has Asperger's?

- She has no friends and has always been painfully shy. When raising me and my brothers she literally saw no one except for us
- She also wears the same outfit every day.
- She has a very strange sense of speaking and weird mannerisms that I can't really explain
- She's OBSESSED with Irish Culture, Genealogy, Antiques, and her hometown. (I swear I know more about it than MY hometown) She forces my little sister to be in Irish pageants and compete in Irish dance
- She doesn't realize how weird she is or that the things she's talking about are boring or bizarre or insensitive and people avoid because of it

Those things sound kind of aspie, but I can't say for sure... She clearly has issues...

Regarding your brother, you can't grow out of it. Either he's learned to mask it or he wasn't on the spectrum to begin with.

 

[Soup]

Re: Do you think my mom has Asperger's?

Some of those traits sound sort of Aspie-ish (if you kind of squint & don't look too closely). She doesn't sound like a real Aspie to me. Aspie-ish traits can be found in many people as can schizoid & slightly paranoid traits.

She sounds like she definitely has Narcissistic traits, with all due respect (BUT you DID ask & we Aspies tend to tell it like we see it) she seems to be delusional, scatter-brained & not very bright. Where is she getting her information about what affluent men like?!? Most can smell a gold-digger downwind & 20 km away! Sure many beautiful supermodels are married to rich men BUT most of those women were multi-millionaires in their own right with impressive investment portfolios when they met said rich guy. These are NOT broke, stupid, slovenly, uneducated. Donald Trump's wife supermodel Melania Knauss speaks 5 languages, has a university degree & was a multimillionaire when she met & married Trump. Supermodel Gisele Bundchen is also multilingual & wealthy as are several I can think of.

Being beautiful does NOT guarantee that life will be a bowl of cherries. Look at what befell Marilyn Monroe & so many others: their lives were a train wreck! Several supermodels I can think of (Carre Otis & Stephanie Seymour) were grossly abused by the rich famous men they married. Christie Brinkley's rich husband was found cheating on her with a 17 yr old girl who was a replica of herself at that age & younger than their children AND he was a middle aged fart at the time.

Please don't buy into your mother's nonsense. Being pretty & attractive is nice, BUT unless you are a traffic-stopping conniption fit-causing beauty, looks alone won't get you far. Even in modeling, the competition is so stiff that if a model is beautiful BUT stupid, unreliable, irresponsible, hard to work with & surly, intoxicated & a liability, she can be replaced in a heart-beat. There's always another beauty ready to take her place & actually behave like a professional. Your mother's alleged great beauty hasn't seemed to have gotten her anywhere enviable.

Here on this forum, there are several shapely attractive women (some very slim, others more muscular, others curvier). Not one that I have encountered is bone-headed, mean to other women here & has no skills, interests or abilities. My own 21 yr old daughter is stunning. She also is trilingual, college educated & working full-time. I told her to work hard in school, get good grades & be able to support herself gainfully. It is one thing if she meets some wonderful person she wants to marry & they run off into the sunset. But the thought of her desperately trading on her looks because she has nothing whatsoever else going for her & NEEDS someone because she cannot survive or function unless someone comes along who wants a stupid, lazy, shallow but pretty dunce to use as temporary eye-candy & then discard when the next one comes moseying by is terrifying to me. I'd feel like a complete failure as a mother if I taught her these delusional beliefs & encouraged her to be dysfunctional.

As for what your mother is, you may never know. Better to put some mental energy into un-doing years of distorted & false conditioning & ensure that YOU are mentally stable & can function independently.

 

[smith2267]

Re: Do you think my mom has Asperger's?

I'm with Soup. She doesn't quite fit the profile.

 

[Bay]

Re: Do you think my mom has Asperger's?

I'm with Soup. She doesn't quite fit the profile.

I'm with both of you. I agree. She seems a bit like the friend that another woman recently posted about (can't find the thread at the moment).

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

Re: Do you think my mom has Asperger's?

Soup has some very good advice. Having been a student most of my adult life I will tell you this - the single most important subject you will ever do as school is maths. I know most people hate it but you have no idea how many times that subject has reared its ugly head and said "hello. Thought you had left me in high school didn't you?" My only advice to high school students is that no matter what they keep up their maths because even subjects you think don't contain maths do and its best to get a good grounding now because its harder to get through your maths subjects at uni than in high school. End advice lol.

Your mum doesn't sound aspie like. What bay was talking bout is the thread where this very question was asked but we kind of think it was either psychopath, narsasitic personality disorder or something along those lines. There are some aspie like traits there but this does not read as being aspie.

 

[Donein]

Your brother has autism? Your mother acts like you explained? Your mother is the source> Guess where your brother got it? From mommy dearest...And while your learning, Read the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" "Healing daughters of Narcisstic Mothers".....I think your mom also has the Narcissism..., why, the eating disorder....read and learn...the author is Karyl McBride.

The clinging is called "engulfing", one of two traits a mommy dearest Narcissist does to her children...You can be AS and be NPD...Don't let them tell you it isn't possible. It is,,,I'm married to one....

 

[Donein]

Re: Do you think my mom has Asperger's?

Hi

I posted earlier but it dissappeared, so ya might get two from me eventually

Yes I think your mother has AS, but she has other things too. Do you know what comorbid is? There is a new book out and I would recommend it for you because you are a female. The book is called "Will I ever Be Good Enough" "healing daughters of narcisstic mothers" written by Karyl McBride. You know how there is a spectrum for Aspergers, meaning you can have it worse than another with it??. Every one is different. What I think you are dealing with is NPD - narcisstic personality disorder. When you have NPD you engulf your children, as you have mentioned. The eating disorder will be mentioned in this book also. Your mom may have small amounts of narcissism with the aspergers. This is called cormorbid - meaning more than one disorder. I read this book a year ago, it changed my life. My mother is NPD with small amounts of aspergers. My husband is lots of narcissism with lots of aspergers. I'm on many forums and many people are angry when you mention more than one disorder, because they can't handle the truth. Actually, cormorbid, more than one problem is VERY common.

 

[LittlePuff]

Re: Do you think my mom has Asperger's?

Schizoid? Possibly?

 

[Arashi222]

Your brother has autism? Your mother acts like you explained? Your mother is the source> Guess where your brother got it? From mommy dearest...And while your learning, Read the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" "Healing daughters of Narcisstic Mothers".....I think your mom also has the Narcissism..., why, the eating disorder....read and learn...the author is Karyl McBride.

The clinging is called "engulfing", one of two traits a mommy dearest Narcissist does to her children...You can be AS and be NPD...Don't let them tell you it isn't possible. It is,,,I'm married to one....

I am just making an observation here but not everyone's mother has Narcissim just because they have some traits that are listed. I have noticed that you tell people that lot on here personality disorders are actually not that common and should not be flung about in such a manner

As to JellyBean she might have Autism she may not. The important thing is for you to learn to cope with what is going on in your family. Maybe your mom will get help in recognizing that her behavior is off.

 

[Serendipity]

I'm 18 and I've known for awhile now that my mom is't "normal". I've recently heard a friend talking about her sister with Aspergers and her obsession with horses and it made me wonder about my mom. I looked it up and for the first time in my entire life I feel like I have my mom figured out. I came here with the intention of telling you guys about her and her symptoms and get some feed back since you can all relate. I'll try and make it as short as I can

- She has no friends and has always been painfully shy. When raising me and my brothers she literally saw no one except for us.
- She's overly sensitive and super paranoid. She always thinks people are plotting against her or talking behind her back or judging her.
- She's always been beautiful and model skinny and she NEVER stops talking about it. In fact I partly blame her for my eating disorder. Starting in kindergarden she would tell me how beautiful and skinny I was going to be when I was older just like her. She said I didn't need good grades or an education because being skinny and gorgeous was enough to get a man who could. When we'd go out, she'd always say things like "oh that mom doesn't like me because I'm so skinny, and she's fat" or "Oh that girl was mean to you today? She was probably jealous because you're so pretty an she's chubby and all the boys like you!"
- She's never had a real job in her life. She can't do simple things like use the internet or the phone and refuses to learn how yet she insists she still capable of getting a job when she needs it.
- Me and my family pretty much live in a dump because she can't clean up after herself. She also wears the same outfit every day.
- She has a very strange sense of speaking and weird mannerisms that I can't really explain
- She's OBSESSED with Irish Culture, Genealogy, Antiques, and her hometown. (I swear I know more about it than MY hometown) She forces my little sister to be in Irish pageants and compete in Irish dance
- She comes off as being sensitive and selfless almost like this childlike innocent little girl. She over emphasizes her motherly role and clings on to us and tells us shes the good parent and my dads the bad guy (he kind of is but he isn't. Hes has narcissistic personally disorder and I'll save him for another post).
- My brother was diagnosed with autism but with therapy he's 16 and he's pretty much grown out of it.
- She's stupid. Like not in a mean way, shes incredibly slow when it comes to learning things or talking to people. She doesn't realize how weird she is or that the things she's talking about are boring or bizarre or insensitive and people avoid because of it

Anyway thats not even beginning to explain her personality. I'm so frustrated with her all the time and I hate that I have to raise myself and my younger siblings and I hate that because of her I don't know how to make friends or emotionally open up to anyone and I hate that both my parents screwed me up and now I have to pay for it. But I mostly hate how besides all that I still love them and I want to know if I can fix them. Sorry it was long, thank you for reading

"She's stupid"? Wow, that's a great way to talk about your mother. Sorry, but that just annoyed me.
Just because you listed some of the aspie traits doesn't necessarily mean your mother is an aspie. It would be good to get an official diagnosis.

 

[Donein]

I am just making an observation here but not everyone's mother has Narcissim just because they have some traits that are listed. I have noticed that you tell people that lot on here personality disorders are actually not that common and should not be flung about in such a manner

.

Actually personality disorders are pretty common

Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Statistics

The above article says 1 in 11

If you are born with AS and have perfect parents that love you unconditionally, then you will not have a personality disorder.

How often does this happen? How often do you have two perfect parents that love you with your aspergers and teach you well?

For me and mine, this never happened. For me and mine, we have parents that can't even handle life, therefore how can they raise us with unconditional love.

So the girl that writes in about her mother ,,,asking if she is aspergers ,,,,but mentions many dysfunctional behaviors added to the possible aspergers, Are we supposed to tell her that it is only one thing. Cormorbid is Very common. If someone has aspergers it is common to have a personality disorder with it.

I don't want to upset you,, but I think it would be a disservice or lie to pretend that some of these symptoms that people are reporting , are just aspergers. Yes sometimes someone has Just Aspergers,,, and I want to say that their parents did a good job raising them. But what of the child that is not raised well????

 

[HelloDizzy]

She's overly sensitive and super paranoid. She always thinks people are plotting against her or talking behind her back or judging her.
- She's always been beautiful and model skinny and she NEVER stops talking about it. In fact I partly blame her for my eating disorder. Starting in kindergarden she would tell me how beautiful and skinny I was going to be when I was older just like her. She said I didn't need good grades or an education because being skinny and gorgeous was enough to get a man who could.
She's never had a real job in her life. She can't do simple things like use the internet or the phone and refuses to learn how yet she insists she still capable of getting a job when she needs it.
- Me and my family pretty much live in a dump because she can't clean up after herself. She also wears the same outfit every day.
My brother was diagnosed with autism but with therapy he's 16 and he's pretty much grown out of it.
- She's stupid. Like not in a mean way, shes incredibly slow when it comes to learning things or talking to people. She doesn't realize how weird she is or that the things she's talking about are boring or bizarre or insensitive and people avoid because of it


Excuse me, what? Do you know what Aspergers Syndrome is?
-Being overly sensitive and paranoid are not symptoms.
-Talking about how skinny and beautiful you are are symptoms of simple vanity, not Aspergers.
-Not valuing education is almost the opposite of Aspergers. You can't not change your clothes every day and then say that your life depends on finding a man rather than being smart; this defies Aspie logic.
-Not having a job is a symptom of 1.) Laziness or 2.)Not being able to function in social settings due to anxiety or disability. Most of the people on this site have jobs.
-You don't grow out of Autism. Ever. Your brother either never had it or he adapted to act more Neurotypical.
-Being stupid is not a symptom of Aspergers. Also, being un-empathetic to what other people want to talk about is not a symptom of stupidity.

Having an unfit parent does not = having a parent with a personality disorder. Some people are just selfish and vain.
And *this* does not look like AS at *all* and I hope that I'm not the only one who's jaw dropped reading this.

Oh, and no, it is not *very common* to have AS and a personality disorder. If PD's very *very common* they would not be considered a disorder.

And why is "No she's just weird" a reasonable and respectful alternative to having Aspergers, please?

 

[Serendipity]

She's overly sensitive and super paranoid. She always thinks people are plotting against her or talking behind her back or judging her.
- She's always been beautiful and model skinny and she NEVER stops talking about it. In fact I partly blame her for my eating disorder. Starting in kindergarden she would tell me how beautiful and skinny I was going to be when I was older just like her. She said I didn't need good grades or an education because being skinny and gorgeous was enough to get a man who could.
She's never had a real job in her life. She can't do simple things like use the internet or the phone and refuses to learn how yet she insists she still capable of getting a job when she needs it.
- Me and my family pretty much live in a dump because she can't clean up after herself. She also wears the same outfit every day.
My brother was diagnosed with autism but with therapy he's 16 and he's pretty much grown out of it.
- She's stupid. Like not in a mean way, shes incredibly slow when it comes to learning things or talking to people. She doesn't realize how weird she is or that the things she's talking about are boring or bizarre or insensitive and people avoid because of it


Excuse me, what? Do you know what Aspergers Syndrome is?
-Being overly sensitive and paranoid are not symptoms.
-Talking about how skinny and beautiful you are are symptoms of simple vanity, not Aspergers.
-Not valuing education is almost the opposite of Aspergers. You can't not change your clothes every day and then say that your life depends on finding a man rather than being smart; this defies Aspie logic.
-Not having a job is a symptom of 1.) Laziness or 2.)Not being able to function in social settings due to anxiety or disability. Most of the people on this site have jobs.
-You don't grow out of Autism. Ever. Your brother either never had it or he adapted to act more Neurotypical.
-Being stupid is not a symptom of Aspergers. Also, being un-empathetic to what other people want to talk about is not a symptom of stupidity.

Having an unfit parent does not = having a parent with a personality disorder. Some people are just selfish and vain.
And *this* does not look like AS at *all* and I hope that I'm not the only one who's jaw dropped reading this.

Oh, and no, it is not *very common* to have AS and a personality disorder. If PD's very *very common* they would not be considered a disorder.

And why is "No she's just weird" a reasonable and respectful alternative to having Aspergers, please?

Nope. My jaw dropped when I read this as well, especially the "stupid" part. That's what really bothered me.

 

[Arashi222]

Actually personality disorders are pretty common

Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Statistics

The above article says 1 in 11

If you are born with AS and have perfect parents that love you unconditionally, then you will not have a personality disorder.

How often does this happen? How often do you have two perfect parents that love you with your aspergers and teach you well?

For me and mine, this never happened. For me and mine, we have parents that can't even handle life, therefore how can they raise us with unconditional love.

So the girl that writes in about her mother ,,,asking if she is aspergers ,,,,but mentions many dysfunctional behaviors added to the possible aspergers, Are we supposed to tell her that it is only one thing. Cormorbid is Very common. If someone has aspergers it is common to have a personality disorder with it.

I don't want to upset you,, but I think it would be a disservice or lie to pretend that some of these symptoms that people are reporting , are just aspergers. Yes sometimes someone has Just Aspergers,,, and I want to say that their parents did a good job raising them. But what of the child that is not raised well????

I am a trained clinical social worker...I went to school to be a therapist I have knowledge on this subject. I am just trying to help people to help people to understand that traits of behaviors for mental illness' do not indicate disorder necessarily. You are right that for a lot of people there are co-morbidity issues. I am the first to admit that I have AS and PTSD. I am not saying lie or pretend I am saying that instead of every chance you get in a thread to tell them that their parent has a personality disorder is not appropriate. Personality disorders are not diagnosed that often because it can be detrimental to a person. Yes they do occur co-morbidity with other things and for you I am sorry that that is what happened but it does not make it the norm. AS has lot of things that it can be paired with and it does not mean your parents were crazy, or that your parents have a personality disorder (they might but they also might have depression, or schizophrenia or social anxiety disorder etc...). AS does not mean you had crazy parents either, AS is neurological and that means it is not gonna go away, it was there from birth. I just wanted to make an observation based on my educational knowledge.

 

[Donein]

"She's stupid"? Wow, that's a great way to talk about your mother. Sorry, but that just annoyed me.
Just because you listed some of the aspie traits doesn't necessarily mean your mother is an aspie. It would be good to get an official diagnosis.

The stupid thing is a definite label. I think JellyBean is looking for an answer on why her mother was the way she was..? Because I had a mother that was a Narcissist, I under stand the name calling. When raised by a Narcissistic mother the female child is used as a whipping boy, to punish, belittle and emotionally kick around. I'm not sure if J.Bean had this, but if she did, this is why she is calling her mom stupid. I don't think she meant stupid relating to AS, but stupid relating to the whole dysfunctional child rearing that J.Bean probably had.

 

[Soup]

As a mother, I'd hate to think that either of my grown kids think I'm stupid. HOWEVER...since I wasn't at Jelly's house & I didn't witness any of her or her mother's behaviours, I'm reluctant to judge her for referring to her mother as stupid. I certainly have encountered my fair share of stupid parents male & female. Being a mother simply means you gave birth or perhaps adopted a child. It doesn't mean you get placed on a pedestal & gain a halo. If her childhood was traumatic due in large part to her treatment by her mother & she is affected adversely by it, she has a right to say so without a heap of judgement descending on her head.

Because you (or I or anyone else) fee's shocked by something someone else believes or says, doesn't mean THEY shocked you. WE decide how we feel & we're responsible for how we react as a consequence of our feelings. What I thought when I read her post was that it was a little one-sided BUT she was airing her thoughts. I also thought, "What a shame: being raised by a truly stupid mother must not have been easy." I also thought it sounded identical to a thread that was submitted by this same new member a day or so earlier. I am left wondering why the same thing was asked in the same manner to the same people twice in a row.

 

[Donein]

As a mother, I'd hate to think that either of my grown kids think I'm stupid. HOWEVER...since I wasn't at Jelly's house & I didn't witness any of her or her mother's behaviours, I'm reluctant to judge her for referring to her mother as stupid. I certainly have encountered my fair share of stupid parents male & female. Being a mother simply means you gave birth or perhaps adopted a child. It doesn't mean you get placed on a pedestal & gain a halo. If her childhood was traumatic due in large part to her treatment by her mother & she is affected adversely by it, she has a right to say so without a heap of judgement descending on her head.

I say Amen - agreeing to what your say. What I have found on my road to figuring out my dysfunctinal past is : Most people defend their horrible parents,,,, And this is wrong... There is no badge of honor for JUST being a parent. Many parents are disordered and cause a tremendous amount of damage in their children.

And why posting twice ....she is looking for VALIDATION - something I have been looking for my whole life

 

[Pella]

On the posting twice issue. She may have posted and been confused by it not showing up right away and thought it didn't work and reposted not realizing that it needed to be approved first.

No matter what your parents issues are, in order to survive in life there comes a point where you have to stop blaming them. Yeah understanding why they are the way they are can help give you a piece of mind, mostly I think because as their children we somehow think that the way things happened or why they happened were somehow our fault. And learning a reason behind thier attitude and behavior can help you to learn it isn't your fault and can help you to move past it. But whether you get answers or not, in order to survive you have to find a way to make your life your own. Accept they are the way they are and there isn't much you can do about it unless they want to change, and just work on improving yourself. My parents were a mess, they had a lot of issues, and my dad won't take any responsibility for his behavior and neither will my grandma, but there isn't much i can do about it, I just try to remember that there were positive moments and that they did the best they knew how, and ultimately in spite of what happened they did love me. No I am not completely over it and I may never be. But in order to move on I have to take responsibility for myself. You are very young and if you are still living with her it can be hard to move on, but the sooner you start working on it the better off you will be in the long run.

Some of the traits do seem a bit aspie-ish but alot of them don't. There are some aspies who may have a certain idea of what a perfect body might look like, but I can't imagine any of the aspies I know judging me for how I look. Asies in general seem to put alot more emphasis on personality and intelligence. While they might be attracted to someone for their appearance, as we are very sensory oriented, the reality of a pretty person without the personality and brains would fall short and annoy the heck out of most aspies, and it wouldn't take long for the aspie to realize this if they spent any real time with the person. Most aspies are very interested in knowledge and while it can be very specific to what our interests are, there is generally an appreciation for education.

 

[HelloDizzy]

If she's looking for validation, it's not Aspergers based on that list of "symptoms." It sounds like borderline or histrionic personality disorder if you want to put a label on it, or perhaps just a really screwy person, scatter-brain individual with no regard for her child.