Does anyone have any advice for dealing with loneliness as an autistic adult?

[Dendrite]

I'm an autistic adult and I know making friends and having friendships that last can be a very common issue for a lot of us who are autistic people. I wanted to make this thread to ask if anyone has an particular advice for this issue as an adult, and also if anyone else perhaps has experienced this issue with the similar nuances I have.

I'm in my late 20s and I have in the past several years had problems with loneliness catch up with me, over the duration of my life thus far as I have had very few friends that I have known in-person/face-to-face (I can count how many on one hand, in fact); I have some online friends that I speak to that I do cherish highly, but we can't always talk due to factors like us all living in different timezones across the world, commitments including our jobs, etc, which is of course a given with online friendships.

Recently I had a few things happen that have made me realise in terms of face-to-face relationships,I have so few people in my life that I realise that if something happened to them I would have absolutely nobody in my life. Couple this with the fact that most of the people I refer to are the small number of immediate family members that I still choose to have relationships with (I was abused as a child by certain family members, I will not elaborate further) and that I, albeit out of personal preference mostly, live alone in an apartment, and it has caused me a lot of anxiety that I will eventually be completely alone in this world.

I have thought about seeing if I could find any groups in my area for stuff I'm very interested in. Does anyone have any advice for doing or proceeding with that? I have a few particular specific special interests that I am extremely passionate about and will devote much of my free time and after I'm finished with work days to engaging with or researching, but said interests have often been labelled "niche" by NTs (a word I have over the past several years felt disdain for). I feel like I want to be around other autistic or ND people that have similar passions or interests, but I genuinely don't know how to do this.

Anybody got any advice?

 

[Fino]

I've always wondered what loneliness felt like and have asked many people but never really understood their answers so far.

 

[Dendrite]

That's something I can struggle with too, especially when it comes to people who have romantic partners; I've never had the desire for that sort of thing at all to the point that I find it makes me unhappy to think about the idea of having to live with another person for the rest of my life.

I think if I were to explain as best as I can in my own case of what being "lonely" feels like, I would describe it as feeling so overwhelmed and being surrounded by people who don't understand me, why I do the things I do or share anything in common with me whatsoever. For me it's not whether I'm physically alone and not near anybody, it's that I feel like there's other people around but they make me feel extremely alienated and angry because they don't understand me and sometimes trivialise or make fun of me for who I am.

Does that make any sense, perhaps? I'm not always good at saying what I mean but I hope that makes a little sense.

 

[Tom]

I've always thought friends lessen the symptoms of loneliness but partners can remove the feeling entirely.

So the idea you don't want to live with anybody but still want someone who understands you and shares things with you seems to me to be at odds with each other.

One thing about friends is they can disappear in a flash when they meet someone and become partners with them.

 

[grommet]

That's something I can struggle with too, especially when it comes to people who have romantic partners; I've never had the desire for that sort of thing at all to the point that I find it makes me unhappy to think about the idea of having to live with another person for the rest of my life.

I think if I were to explain as best as I can in my own case of what being "lonely" feels like, I would describe it as feeling so overwhelmed and being surrounded by people who don't understand me, why I do the things I do or share anything in common with me whatsoever. For me it's not whether I'm physically alone and not near anybody, it's that I feel like there's other people around but they make me feel extremely alienated and angry because they don't understand me and sometimes trivialise or make fun of me for who I am.

Does that make any sense, perhaps? I'm not always good at saying what I mean but I hope that makes a little sense.

I read both of your posts. I think I have felt exactly the same. I do not feel lonely now like I did when I was younger. Maybe I do but I can no longer recognize the feeling.

Meeting other autistic people in person was the best thing I ever did. It was amazing, like meeting my people for the first time. I had never felt like anyone else until then and it was a whole room of people who were finally like me.

I do not know if there is a way you could go to an in-person autism meeting. That is what I did. I went for a few years and met lots of people.

If there are not in-person autism meetings there is another idea. I do not like it as much but people seem to think it could work. That is finding groups that meet who have autistic interests. It is likely those people will be autistic. The meetings may not be about autism but it could be a way to meet people like you.

I tried doing that but it was not the same safe environment, only the autism meetings felt good to me. The other meetings I went to were about be lockpicking, computer hacking and building electronics. Maybe most of the people there were autistic but maybe we were all masking so much that it was not the same as going to a meeting where we said we were autistic. Maybe it could work out for you.

A book I read many times, “The Speed of Dark” by Elizabeth Moon, was about autistic people and main character. Maybe my favorite part was in the book they had an autistic center they could visit. It even had social workers to help. I wanted something like that so bad it was hard to read about it.

Being alone your whole life, all those thousands of moments realizing you are not like anyone near you, always different and alone. Being around other autistic people for the first time suddenly your whole life and who you are can make sense and you can realize there wasn’t anything wrong with you, there is a whole room full of people who are like you in even in the small ways you thought no one could ever understand.

I hope you feel better.

 

[VictorR]

Places where you may find information about interest groups and mutual support groups may include include:

meetup.com
social media (facebook, reddit, etc.) - note that some communities are not moderated, or not moderated well
local colleges and universities
libraries and community centres
bookstores, coffee shops, grocery stores and other businesses with a community bulletin board

If you're in a smaller community, you may wish to try finding out what is available at nearby larger communities.

 

[Magna]

Curbing loneliness on a short term basis: The best thing I've found that's also very consistent and effective in its results is for me to go to a public place and walk amongst other people. Maybe a reciprocated smile from a few people and then just being around people in general works wonders for me. A lot of times, it's even actually the right amount of interaction. Going to the grocery store, for example. Or a shopping mall.

 

[Au Naturel]

Get involved in something. If you are doing something with a purpose, the purpose becomes your partner.

A person with a purpose will eventually meet others with a similar purpose - if you look for them. It is easier to start a relationship if you have a shared purpose. It doesn't have to be saving the world or getting rich. It could be a hobby or a shared form of entertainment.

I'm kind of assuming that you don't mind being on your own but being always on your own and never working/playing with someone is wearing. That's how I found being perpetually alone when I was young.

Just being around others has never helped me. It is better to be alone in the woods than lonely in a crowd.

I want to reiterate what VictorR said

Places where you may find information about interest groups and mutual support groups may include include:

meetup.com
social media (facebook, reddit, etc.) - note that some communities are not moderated, or not moderated well
local colleges and universities
libraries and community centres
bookstores, coffee shops, grocery stores and other businesses with a community bulletin board

If you're in a smaller community, you may wish to try finding out what is available at nearby larger communities.

Except that meeting via social media is a perilous endeavor. I have never managed an extended in-person relationship that way, but I have sometimes met people who were interested in things other than simply being friendly. Meetup.com seems the easiest way to safely meet people with a particular interest.

 

[Xinyta]

I'm an autistic adult and I know making friends and having friendships that last can be a very common issue for a lot of us who are autistic people. I wanted to make this thread to ask if anyone has an particular advice for this issue as an adult, and also if anyone else perhaps has experienced this issue with the similar nuances I have.

I'm in my late 20s and I have in the past several years had problems with loneliness catch up with me, over the duration of my life thus far as I have had very few friends that I have known in-person/face-to-face (I can count how many on one hand, in fact); I have some online friends that I speak to that I do cherish highly, but we can't always talk due to factors like us all living in different timezones across the world, commitments including our jobs, etc, which is of course a given with online friendships.

Recently I had a few things happen that have made me realise in terms of face-to-face relationships,I have so few people in my life that I realise that if something happened to them I would have absolutely nobody in my life. Couple this with the fact that most of the people I refer to are the small number of immediate family members that I still choose to have relationships with (I was abused as a child by certain family members, I will not elaborate further) and that I, albeit out of personal preference mostly, live alone in an apartment, and it has caused me a lot of anxiety that I will eventually be completely alone in this world.

I have thought about seeing if I could find any groups in my area for stuff I'm very interested in. Does anyone have any advice for doing or proceeding with that? I have a few particular specific special interests that I am extremely passionate about and will devote much of my free time and after I'm finished with work days to engaging with or researching, but said interests have often been labelled "niche" by NTs (a word I have over the past several years felt disdain for). I feel like I want to be around other autistic or ND people that have similar passions or interests, but I genuinely don't know how to do this.

Anybody got any advice?

I relate to this. Especailly with neglect from family members.

As far as feeling lonely. I think that depends on how aware of my mental health I am. I've been disconnected alot, so loneliness doesn't play a factor in those moments. Just a endless hole of blackness.

But I've found animals and nature generally are ways to alleviate my loneliness, much like @Au Naturel said. Being somewhere where I belong.

I'm split on how helpful interacting with human beings can be. Sometimes just talking helps. Other times, the idea of talk is just... overwhelming.

 

[Chailatte_]

I have lived with solitude all my life, despite now having a partner. Sometimes it oppresses me, other times I greet it because it's like an old acquaintance. It's a bit like that person who is annoying on some days and on others, you know how to handle them and they don't bother you as much.

Solitude is a part of me, and I accept it because doing otherwise, as I do in moments of distress, only leads to self-destruction and feelings of guilt or extreme masking, and for what? Sometimes, believe me, I feel like I'm going crazy because solitude can make a lot of noise. It can slowly destroy you from the inside, take away your breath and hope just with its 'presence.' I can't tell you what solitude is, I know it hurts, but I know we must acknowledge it and stop fighting it to move away from it.

I write, draw, paint, study, and I do it in solitude because the silence of solitude hurts less than the incomprehension of others. Incomprehension, that's what hurts, that's what makes you feel lonely.

Am I resigning myself? Am I preserving myself by avoiding new experiences/encounters? Yes and no. I feel lonely, but most people I find uninteresting or not adding value to my life (I don't want to seem arrogant) with their talk of aperitifs, gossip, why famous person x is on TikTok, or the story of y on Instagram. I have no interest in it, which is why I don't have social media. The most 'social' thing I have is this forum; the rest bores me.

Talking about fashion, expensive items – I did it for years, and for what purpose? To spend a lot of money to become a free advertising billboard for a big brand? To belong to a social group? To a status? Or to have a fancy car just to show off and say 'I have it' and make conversation? For what? For a plastic logo different from others? We assign a price and a value to things and project them onto people. We fight over these things, for fame, for who stands out. We bankrupt ourselves monetarily, for what?

Using this social unit of measure (status) and hypothetically applying it to my 'external persona' (and by 'external persona' I mean that combination of clothes/material we have when we go out and 'characterize ourselves in the eyes of others'), I would weigh very little because in this hypothetical social scale on which we weigh the unit of status, I have practically put nothing and I don't intend to. Not for something that already has too much power, not for something that people worship losing themselves just to 'fit in'.
The advice is: don't let the fear of loneliness rush you into seeking "means" that make you lose pieces of who you are and your values.

 

[AprilR]

I am struggling with the same thing. I don't really have friends apart from one person and the thought of my parents passing away one day scares me.

Like others suggested, trying to meet others through shared interests seems to be one of the solutions. Like hobby groups.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Dendrite

Multiple real-life hobbies.
They don't have to be multi-person hobbies, but very solitary activities like solo cycling (or running) far and fast aren't ideal Gym, yoga, some kind of fighting style (soft one like Tai Chi if you don't like to train combat), hiking, kayak, etc.

Also face the fact that if you want to meet and interact with NTs you need to be at least "NT compatible".
I don't like the name "masking" for this particular requirement, because it doesn't require that you hide your nature. But you need to make sure you don't register as "off" when you first interact with NT's. First impressions matter,
This can require some effort, but no more than e.g. putting on 10-15 kg of muscle.

Neither has a particularly high "startup threshold" (assuming you make sensible choices for hobbies).

The reverse (solo or online-only activities and "pushing people away" IRL) can keep you lonely for your entire life.

Start now!

 

[marc_101]

All the recommendations sound good.

I'm not exactly great on this topic, but perhaps one way to do it is by not trying to make friends. If you purposely join a group to make friends, it may not work. However, if you start taking up hobbies and go to classes and meet people, a friendship could happen. Friendships develop slowly and "naturally" most of the time. They are based on common interests and conversations.

 

[Dendrite]

I wasn't expecting this many replies, but I appreciate the input each of you have made here. Thank you. Just to clarify what I meant @Tom in my earlier posts, I feel it would be worth mentioning (as I hadn't initially) that I am aromantic and openly identify as such. I don't enjoy the idea of having a romantic partner of any kind because romantic love is an extremely abstract concept to me and something I don't enjoy the idea of (for myself, other people can do as they please but romance/relationships are not for me). I feel I probably should have mentioned this in the OP as I have spoken about the loneliness issue with therapists before, only for them to assume I mean romantic partnerships when I just mean platonic friendships.

I think part of the issue is that I want to be able to find some other people in my immediate, in-person capacity who are in a similar position to me as an autistic person who has an unending battle with constant feelings of alienation. I feel as said in the OP that in the past several years, I feel this intense loneliness has only grown stronger and lead to me having genuine feelings of anger towards NT people for a number of them making me feel like I am a hideous, disgusting piece of vermin for loving and having a deep fascination with things that are not "cool" or are "weird" (a particular example of this being my special interest in animals such as insects or entomology, and if I was paid a penny every time I had a person make a comment about wanting to kill insects that come into their home, I would be quite wealthy).

I can say in my more calm frame of mind that I know this attitute is a very unhealthy and unhelpful sentiment, so much that when I do have meltdowns and embrace it, the feelings of isolation and not being understood only intensify for me. Some of these feelings did in part come as frustration from times I've attempted to find others like me in local hobby groups in my town, only to be completely disappointed and let down when I have had naive hopes of finding friends in them.

I will say that online communities for my special interests and hobbies have been a big help in finding some people that I have became and still am good friends with, but as said my online friends all live in different parts of the world, so timezone differences can be an issue with contact at times. That said, I want to be able to know if there is anything I can do to work towards at least becoming quite accepting, or stoic perhaps, about feeling unheard and alone most of the time.

I appreciate you all responding to me about this. I hope those of us who also have this issue (and I know there's a few of us, by the sounds of it) are able to at least cope and thrive with the perennial loneliness that comes from us being in a world that is feels it's seemingly predominantly built for NTs and NTs only.

 

[Xinyta]

I will say that online communities for my special interests and hobbies have been a big help in finding some people that I have became and still am good friends with, but as said my online friends all live in different parts of the world, so timezone differences can be an issue with contact at times. That said, I want to be able to know if there is anything I can do to work towards at least becoming quite accepting, or stoic perhaps, about feeling unheard and alone most of the time.

Honestly, outside advice. There really isn't much that could said to help. Only you know you. Though in that vein:

- Look at things you enjoy.

- Look at your favorite places to be.

- Accept that people will not always be around to help and that's okay.

-If you enjoy having a pet, then that kinda companionship is something to consider. If you don't already have one that is.

- You are always worth it. ALWAYS.

I appreciate you all responding to me about this. I hope those of us who also have this issue (and I know there's a few of us, by the sounds of it) are able to at least cope and thrive with the perennial loneliness that comes from us being in a world that is feels it's seemingly predominantly built for NTs and NTs only.

Sadly, this IS a world made and built for NTs. But we can make our own worlds, from pieces that are comfortable for us. It can be stressful and overwhelming as heck to fund that place but it's worth it.

 

[Tom]

I wasn't expecting this many replies, but I appreciate the input each of you have made here. Thank you. Just to clarify what I meant @Tom in my earlier posts, I feel it would be worth mentioning (as I hadn't initially) that I am aromantic and openly identify as such. I don't enjoy the idea of having a romantic partner of any kind because romantic love is an extremely abstract concept to me and something I don't enjoy the idea of (for myself, other people can do as they please but romance/relationships are not for me). I feel I probably should have mentioned this in the OP as I have spoken about the loneliness issue with therapists before, only for them to assume I mean romantic partnerships when I just mean platonic friendships.

I think part of the issue is that I want to be able to find some other people in my immediate, in-person capacity who are in a similar position to me as an autistic person who has an unending battle with constant feelings of alienation. I feel as said in the OP that in the past several years, I feel this intense loneliness has only grown stronger and lead to me having genuine feelings of anger towards NT people for a number of them making me feel like I am a hideous, disgusting piece of vermin for loving and having a deep fascination with things that are not "cool" or are "weird" (a particular example of this being my special interest in animals such as insects or entomology, and if I was paid a penny every time I had a person make a comment about wanting to kill insects that come into their home, I would be quite wealthy).

I can say in my more calm frame of mind that I know this attitute is a very unhealthy and unhelpful sentiment, so much that when I do have meltdowns and embrace it, the feelings of isolation and not being understood only intensify for me. Some of these feelings did in part come as frustration from times I've attempted to find others like me in local hobby groups in my town, only to be completely disappointed and let down when I have had naive hopes of finding friends in them.

I will say that online communities for my special interests and hobbies have been a big help in finding some people that I have became and still am good friends with, but as said my online friends all live in different parts of the world, so timezone differences can be an issue with contact at times. That said, I want to be able to know if there is anything I can do to work towards at least becoming quite accepting, or stoic perhaps, about feeling unheard and alone most of the time.

I appreciate you all responding to me about this. I hope those of us who also have this issue (and I know there's a few of us, by the sounds of it) are able to at least cope and thrive with the perennial loneliness that comes from us being in a world that is feels it's seemingly predominantly built for NTs and NTs only.

I like insects too. I respect all life really but insects in particular I find interesting, especially ants. Have been fascinated by them and their amazing social systems since a small boy.

 

[Chailatte_]

I wasn't expecting this many replies, but I appreciate the input each of you have made here. Thank you. Just to clarify what I meant @Tom in my earlier posts, I feel it would be worth mentioning (as I hadn't initially) that I am aromantic and openly identify as such. I don't enjoy the idea of having a romantic partner of any kind because romantic love is an extremely abstract concept to me and something I don't enjoy the idea of (for myself, other people can do as they please but romance/relationships are not for me). I feel I probably should have mentioned this in the OP as I have spoken about the loneliness issue with therapists before, only for them to assume I mean romantic partnerships when I just mean platonic friendships.

I think part of the issue is that I want to be able to find some other people in my immediate, in-person capacity who are in a similar position to me as an autistic person who has an unending battle with constant feelings of alienation. I feel as said in the OP that in the past several years, I feel this intense loneliness has only grown stronger and lead to me having genuine feelings of anger towards NT people for a number of them making me feel like I am a hideous, disgusting piece of vermin for loving and having a deep fascination with things that are not "cool" or are "weird" (a particular example of this being my special interest in animals such as insects or entomology, and if I was paid a penny every time I had a person make a comment about wanting to kill insects that come into their home, I would be quite wealthy).

I can say in my more calm frame of mind that I know this attitute is a very unhealthy and unhelpful sentiment, so much that when I do have meltdowns and embrace it, the feelings of isolation and not being understood only intensify for me. Some of these feelings did in part come as frustration from times I've attempted to find others like me in local hobby groups in my town, only to be completely disappointed and let down when I have had naive hopes of finding friends in them.

I will say that online communities for my special interests and hobbies have been a big help in finding some people that I have became and still am good friends with, but as said my online friends all live in different parts of the world, so timezone differences can be an issue with contact at times. That said, I want to be able to know if there is anything I can do to work towards at least becoming quite accepting, or stoic perhaps, about feeling unheard and alone most of the time.

I appreciate you all responding to me about this. I hope those of us who also have this issue (and I know there's a few of us, by the sounds of it) are able to at least cope and thrive with the perennial loneliness that comes from us being in a world that is feels it's seemingly predominantly built for NTs and NTs only.

People will always form an opinion about you, and I suffer from it too because I often find myself excluded, even since I was a child. I've learned to do what I want without aiming to please people. If they like me, well and good, if not, it's not in my power to change their minds. Are there days when it weighs on me? Yes.

On the other hand, sooner or later, we will all become compost for plants, so does it really make sense to let it bother us? Embrace your passions, live them, and be proud of what you love. If others don't like it, if they consider you a worm, does it really matter? Maybe today. But tomorrow? None of these people will ever give you the joy and satisfaction of doing what you love. Keep talking about it, and if others wrinkle their noses, laugh because most people don't have passions; they live in routine, in conventions, in what the 'majority does.' People don't have passions.

I have 'more common' passions, and yet it doesn't change! People always have something to say.

Let me give you a banal example: if you have children at 18, it's not good, and if you're too young, if you have them at 30, you're in the prime of your career, if you have them at 45, you're too old, isn't it too late? If you don't have them, 'but you're missing out on one of life's greatest joys.' There's no right time; they just give you the illusion that there's a right time, but the right time doesn't exist collectively; it only exists personally, and that's what you should aim for, and it's the same for passions too.

If you're a career woman? You'll scare men. If you don't have a job? You're a failure. If you live off a pension? You're spoiled. If you do a job you didn't study for but you need money? You're settling and wasting your potential! If you take care of your body, you're a narcissist who cares only about appearance. If you don't take care of your body? You're a sloppy person who doesn't love themselves. They talk about normality, about what's common, but it doesn't exist! It's always 'too much’,but never enough.

I've never heard someone say, 'Oh, you're too normal!' No. Never heard that. So, keep living without chasing what is collectively considered normal. Nobody knows what normality is; they preach it, but nobody knows it.

 

[Au Naturel]

On the other hand, sooner or later, we will all become compost for plants, so does it really make sense to let it bother us? Embrace your passions, live them, and be proud of what you love. If others don't like it, if they consider you a worm, does it really matter? Maybe today. But tomorrow? None of these people will ever give you the joy and satisfaction of doing what you love. Keep talking about it, and if others wrinkle their noses, laugh because most people don't have passions; they live in routine, in conventions, in what the 'majority does.' People don't have passions.

BINGO!!!

 

[Aspychata]

I get constantly shot down in life because l don't go out on dates. I don't need to fill up a lonely box. Because l have lived a lot of my lifetime alone, however l have met great people on this journey. People don't always represent truthfully who they are in their acquaintances. Like you maybe fooled, and you may end up dealing with a serious issue. I remember inviting a guy friend over, who on the second date went on a very abusive tirade for about 3 hours. He finally left, and l learned to appreciate being alone.

 

[paloftoon]

meetup.com and look for groups that have interests similar to you. Then you can meet people but based on interest and you always have that interest to talk about instead of nothing at least. It's tough making good friends, but it's a good balance of finding interests or things you could be interested in and being able to balance your social situations well. Some strangers and acquaintances will be able to sense if you are too easy to roll over, and some people might actually detract from that. It's always so hard to judge things because people are generally very indirect or slightly conniving in a way that may be hard to see at first.

Generally, safest best is give something a chance if you aren't sure. If you know you've been wronged, do whatever you need to complete your commitment to a league or whatever the event is, and get out of the group if the group overall seems toxic rather than standing your ground or avoiding people if it's a lot of people and not just one or two to avoid.