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Featured Do you care what others think of you?

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by sisselcakes, Jul 19, 2019.

  1. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    That is a personal take which sums up the Double Empathy phenomenon pretty succinctly. Autistic people communicate better with other autistics but find NT people hard work and the opposite is true. When Autistics & NTs communicate we enter the "Undiscovered Country" where neither side understands the other very well.

    A good analogy is two people from different countries and cultures trying to communicate in a third language neither knows particularly well. They can get the gist of what the other is saying but not the full picture, leading to misunderstandings and miscommunication they don't get when talking to their own countrymen.
     
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  2. joe2006

    joe2006 Well-Known Member

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    I have reached the point in my life where I do not care what people think of me, most of the time. I am not always able to tell what a person thinks about me because I have trouble reading people's emotions. As long as people are treating me right, that is good enough for me.
     
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  3. inkfingers

    inkfingers 19 year old Aspie artist and Jesus follower

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    I definitely care about what other people think of me, but I try not to care too much. I am pretty self-conscious about the way I look, but then again, aren't most people? I don't care what people think about the way I act (as in my autistic idiosyncrasies), but I do care about what they think of me as a person. I don't want to be seen as lazy and disrespectful. I do my best to be hard-working, get straight As, and be respectful to my elders. I think that people should judge other people based on their strength of character, rather than their looks or their mannerisms.
     
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  4. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I'm not a guy so this is only hypothetical, but telling me that I need to shave because I look like I'm homeless would not work on me, because I don't think like that - I don't care what people think of my appearance. I would probaly just think, so what if they do? More effective would be for you to tell me that you have some sort of sensory issue with it, you find it unpleasant to touch. That would make me listen and want to do something about it, because I don't want to cause people discomfort or unconvenience.

    I used to think that people were sheep and couldn't understand why people would want to do things just because other people are doing them, in particular potentially harmful things like smoking. I thought that everyone was like me, and I couldn't understand why people acted in such a different, often to my mind illogical, way. I now know that it's a lot more complicated than that... there are many reasons why people might do things that seem illogical to me, but I also know that I'm neurologically different and process information in a different way and therefore have different ideas, opinions and priorities to other people.
     
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  5. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝

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    1. If it is a legal opinion, in a court of law, yes.
    2. If it is an ethical issue that I acknowledge, yes.
    3. If it is (just) conventional thinking, no.
    There is a little overlap between #2 & #3. That means that if someone is complaining about #3, I may have violated #2 without realizing it. So, I analyze for that, first. If I cannot see such, I write it off as a simple #3.
     
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  6. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member It's My Birthday!

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    Exactly.

    Was I always this way or did it take time to become like this?
    I was always this way. Didn't feel the need to fit in with peers or
    be social even as a child. Never really changed through life and I'm now 62.

    As @Crossbreed answered 1. If it is legal or the law, yes.
    Only because again of the consequences.
    2. Ethical. If it is something I consider ethical. But, ethics can be defined
    as different things by different people. What is ethical to one, may not be to the next.

    I've never been social or had social anxiety.
    Being amongst a group of people is like being in a forest of trees.

    I have no family to be concerned how they feel about me.
    When I did, I knew they were the ONLY ones I could truly just be myself
    around and still be loved.

    I was concerned with employers. Again because of consequences.
    Needed the job.

    So I guess concern of how people feel about me is pretty self serving.
    Even when it comes down to how my physical appearance is in public. Ego.
     
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  7. Nightingale121

    Nightingale121 Well-Known Member

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    This is similar to my experience, though I wouldn't say that they "don't really even entirely exist to me". They exist to me, but in a neutral way, so that they don't really influence me, like for example a tree exisits, but doesn't influence me while I walk by it.
    There are exceptions though and I care about what some people think, but they are only specific people.
    I had a rather arrogant phase like this as well, but nowadays I actually feel kind of bad about having been arrogant like this. I could have been too extreme though with thinking that all others seemed to be so stupid and always followed the herd and cared so much about what others thought while I didn't care.
    However, I think that I also used this partly as a coping mechanism in relation to the scenario described in the following quote and overdid it.
    People didn't like me anyway, so why should I care? Their criteria for judging seemed to be stupid to me (and I still don't understand much of this stuff although my theoretical knowledge about it is better now), so why should it bother me if they judge me based on these criteria?
    I don't pick up on everything anyway, so even putting a lot of effort in it wouldn't always help and it would just be be very exhausting and frustrating.
    During my teenage years I was basically always between the two modes of "I'm better than these other people because I don't follow the crowd and am "above all this"." and feeling bad because, on the other hand, it seemed like I was the stupid one for not understanding these criteria while everyone else seemed to apply them so easily.
    Now I'm more neutral about this and wouldn't say that any side (caring or not) is automatically "better" than the other. I just don't care in the sense of what I wrote in my first paragraph.
    I think it might be important to distinguish between the social anxiety aspect and the caring of what others think in general.
    Like @Autistamatic wrote social anxiety is common in autistic people and the social anxiety also influences how someone cares what others think about them. However, it might rather be an aspect of the social anxiety in this case than of the autism itself.
    So in relation to your theory one would need to be more specific and see where the caring actually comes from. Maybe your theory rather applies to autistic people without social anxiety because the social anxiety aspect itself causes a bias.
     
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  8. SolarPoweredNightOwl

    SolarPoweredNightOwl Walking contradiction

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    This is probably the best description of most people that I've ever read. If I were any good at woodworking, I'd make a sign of this and hang it above my front door. Maybe above a nice unwelcome mat...

    Just to illustrate to OP about consequence vs caring: I wouldn't care either in terms of what people thought, but I would take a moment to consider if I actually looked homeless or if it were just hyperbole. If I concluded I actually could be mistaken for homeless, I would remedy it, because cops and security guards tend to harass homeless people, and I don't need that.
     
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  9. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝

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    Consequences are a minimal concern for me. The law of the land closely parallels my ethics caveat.
     
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  10. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Because we are such a litigious society, l find myself checking to see what l said to another employee , so l care in that manner. I like to mask or pass myself off as pretty normal because l can. Age has soften the need to fit in, and l disregard people who seem pushy or fixated by me. I don't care what you think about me, because at the end of the day, l pay my bills, not you.
     
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  11. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    I care what some people think of me.

    My colleagues and fellow climate ecologists I care about because I respect them, and because their opinions influence the impact of my research and my future career. My friends I care about because I like them, and want them to keep liking me and wanting to be my friend. Potential friends fall into the same category I suppose. I want my family to be proud of me. I want people in certain communities I am a part of to think well of me because those opinions influence how I am received at events. Random people on the street? Nah. But that is something I have consciously developed, I used to be so terrified of being judged by randos that I would have a panic attack at the thought of walking 5 minutes to the village shops. Oh the joys of social anxiety disorder.
     
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  12. zurb

    zurb Eschewer of Obfuscation

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    As an Aspie, I'm extremely sensitive to being judged by others. If we don't follow social norms, we have no idea what we did wrong (or if we do, it just takes too much effort), so always have the desire to just disappear- like a sense of shame. There is a very strong pressure to follow strict social rules, but we have no idea what they are.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019
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  13. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If there are no repercussions and unless I care about the person, I don't care what others think. Most of the time my main thought process is: You think so? Alright, good for you but who are you to tell me who I should be? Live and let live.

    Unfortunately, there are repercussions of some kind most of the time, including shaming, bullying and social rejection. So, I suppose, in the end I have to care.
     
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  14. Wolf Prince

    Wolf Prince My future job title.

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    For me I do care. But dont always show it. Or usually im just trying to keep my emotions under control and not send the wrong message to people around me. Unintentionally hurting them which i fear most of all. Hurting soneone you really care about. When you didnt mean to.
     
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  15. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝

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    I still care about that, but I don't see that as an opinion. I see it as an ethics consideration.

    If I inadvertently called someone fat, dumb or ugly, I want to fix that. If they are offended that my belt doesn't complement my shoes, that's their problem.
     
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  16. Kit

    Kit Well-Known Member

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    That really depends like if it will affect my employment or will it ruin my reputation where I will get harassed or lose my followers on Twitter. If someone thinks you are a pedophile, you better care because of the stigma about it and how they are treated and the fact no one will try to get facts before believing it. If someone thought you were gay, I couldn't careless because there is nothing wrong with being gay and it has become acceptable now. But if your boss and everyone else thought you took cash from the cash register and you didn't do it, then you should care because there is now a chance of you losing your job and it going on your employment record and it can affect your employment in the future and give you problems at your new job and face bias.

    I don't care what some random stranger thinks of me based on what I am wearing or if I had been working in the yard so now I am dirty but I still choose to go to the store that way because it's not like they will refuse service. If their thoughts are not going to affect me, I do not care. It's not like I am going to be their friend or that I am trying to impress people or make any friends. I couldn't careless if they think I am weird or stupid or slow or mentally challenged mildly. It's not like random strangers or other people are going to bully me and harass me. This isn't childhood. As a kid, you had to care and be pressured to follow social norms or else you would be picked on and teased but as an adult, no need to worry because adults are too busy with their lives to even care what someone is wearing or if they are playing an old Game Boy and even if they are annoyed with you, they are not going to make fun of you. People are just too polite and also don't want to create a conflict when someone is being obnoxious like playing their music really loud or if they are cussing and swearing and having conversations with themselves.

    There is such thing as caring too much what people think of you, if you are so worried what people think of you and if they will judge you or not that it impacts your life and keeps you from having happiness and you are constantly anxious, then you may be suffering from social anxiety. What you described OP sounded a lot like that. The way you wrote it sounded like it gives you distress.

    And there is such thing as caring too little because those who care too little behave like sociopaths and have no regard to others and their feelings and they just do whatever they want and treat others anyway they want. Rules don't apply to them and they are very selfish. My first boyfriend was a lot like this and he didn't seem to care how hurt I would get if he wasn't taking me seriously and didn't care if I was humiliated at show choir when we went to watch the high school show choir to perform and I had bought us tickets and he cussed right in front of everyone while he was talking to me and he didn't care how I felt. People like him are what makes them an asshole because they do not care about others and how they make them feel. They are narcissistic in their thoughts. Then my ex couldn't understand why no one wanted him around and he hated being judged which was ironic so in a way he did care what others thought, no wait, he didn't care, he cared how he is treated, not what they think. But the thing is, what people think is based on how they treat you and it also affects their thinking too of you and how they judge you based on your actions and things you say. Humans are bias.
     
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  17. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    My mood dictates how I perceive almost everything.
     
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  18. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yes. I would get distressed to an extent based on what a stranger thinks of me. As I get older, though, it matters to me less. It's completely illogical, I know. It's a curse.

    Sounds like you caring what others think is based on function. In other words, if it's going to affect you in a way that's important to you, you care; but for the sake of "fitting in" in general, it doesn't bother you.
     
  19. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    :(
    So true about we NT's finding it a lot of work to communicate with someone on the spectrum (at least for me) and I imagine our type can be confusing. My poor bf- a lot of the time he's completely bewildered by me. We are actually at a point where we are taking a break. It's so much work, that it tires me out and I'm not sure if I want to put so much energy to make things work. :(
     
  20. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Re: the homeless thing. Yeah, my bf couldn't care less. It's not important to him, so if I care, I need to take the initiative bc he can't reach back there. I guess if he cared he would get a mirror. I asked him if he cares what people think of him. He answered that he doesn't care unless the person is important to him - pretty much in alignment with what most people have said.

    Sheep. Ha! My bf says the same about people. (I kind of agree, honestly. Not enough people know how to think critically for themselves).
     
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