Do other women on the spectrum have trouble dating

[Jordy]

I think I'd say that 85% of men are not "bullies" but rather there's a lot of miscommunication and unrealistic expectations.

Take teasing for instance. NTs tease each other all the time. It rolls off their backs like water off a duck. They might make a game out of it, going back and forth. Best buds tease each other. Sometimes it is even part of the courtship process.

The same level of teasing would destroy me. I couldn't just laugh at it. It was like a knife to the gut. Was it my Aspie inability to properly read social cues? Did my depression leave me more vulnerable? NT life can be pretty rough and tumble and they weren't bullies, I was too vulnerable. I just wasn't reacting the way another NT would.

A real bully is someone who gets their kicks by forcing a weak person into a subordinate position because it makes them feel superior. There is a sadistic element involved. Some of that happens but I don't see huge amounts.

Autistic people are often a dessert for the 15% that definitely are bullies.

I cannot handle teasing either. Maybe it has to do with taking everything as being honest and literally.

 

[Au Naturel]

Imo it's mostly the women who chase and form the relationship, would vary a lot culturally and depends on gender ratios, but in cities there's usually an oversupply of females, well here anyway, lived in sydney till i was40. so Sydney, Melbourne... more women than men - Perth and Adelaide it's more even. Straight aspie guys might do better in bigger cities...?

Uh... yeah. I had much better luck in Los Angeles than in small-town Michigan.

If you are looking for a one-in-a-thousand woman, a small town will only have a hand full to offer. If she is the kind of person who feels out of place, maybe even alien, odds are she'll leave as soon as practical to seek her fortune in the city. So your chances of meeting her are really small.

Move to a big city, especially one with a reputation for eccentric behavior, and there might normally be thousands of women like that. We can add in the ones who fled their more oppressive rural areas for hundreds or thousands of miles around. Because so many people offer a critical mass needed for clubs and groups to form, you can then target clubs and groups with women who share your interests. Met a lot of women through LASFS and Mensa that I'd never have met otherwise in a smaller city. And they knew about other organizations I could look into.

These days the internet and sites like Meetup.com and Facebook make finding those niche clubs a lot easier.

If you're going to college soon, you can check the gender balance of the various schools. Pick a large institution with a supermajority of women. These are becoming more common as more men get discouraged and drop out and more women are encouraged to get into college. The national average is currently 1.25 to 1 for undergrads in 4-year institutions and 1.33 in two-year schools.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I wouldnt say i had trouble finding someone, being a woman it doesnt seem hard to do, but i have trouble maintaining them. I am saying this because i am sure my boyfriend wants to friendzone me. he thinks i am "awesome" and "beautiful" but my depressive episodes, and certain problems caused by symptoms or side effects of being on the spectrum (executive functioning problems) pushes him away. I have been told i need to break up with this guy many times. I see the logic in that. I just feel sad that I feel that I am running out of time? I feel that i am starting to realize a pattern, that i always knew but thought i was exaggerating: that i'm not marriage material. not necessarily marriage but . . . meaning like no one would settle down with me, live their dreams and invite me to be a passenger, those kind of things..

do other women experience this? do you guys experience this feeling that, men are intangible? the possibility of being happy with one "forever" is a joke?

It's obviously different for women than it is for men because for all time women have always been on the receiving end of sexual attention, a lot of people think this way and I'm no exception to this and that is women have an easier time getting into a relationship than men do because women are never expected to make the first move or ask a guy out or never expected to initiate the relationship

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I wouldnt say i had trouble finding someone, being a woman it doesnt seem hard to do, but i have trouble maintaining them. I am saying this because i am sure my boyfriend wants to friendzone me. he thinks i am "awesome" and "beautiful" but my depressive episodes, and certain problems caused by symptoms or side effects of being on the spectrum (executive functioning problems) pushes him away. I have been told i need to break up with this guy many times. I see the logic in that. I just feel sad that I feel that I am running out of time? I feel that i am starting to realize a pattern, that i always knew but thought i was exaggerating: that i'm not marriage material. not necessarily marriage but . . . meaning like no one would settle down with me, live their dreams and invite me to be a passenger, those kind of things..

do other women experience this? do you guys experience this feeling that, men are intangible? the possibility of being happy with one "forever" is a joke?

I find men annoying and it is hard for me to think of tolerating one.
I often think I would like to be a fairy or have an angel for a husband because angels are hot and you know they are perfect.
So they will take care of you.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I believe I gave a valid answer

 

[Ursus Chainus]

NT women can also use ASD men. Gender matters little. I am considered non-binary in current terms. I actually relate best with women (lesbians are safest for me).


ASD people have trouble with all genders of NT people. We are quite different in how we think. I want you all to find fulfillment in your connections. It matters not who you are attracted to.

ASD for ASD only when both sides are fully ok with being who they are. The battlefield is about learning to be ok with yourself, being ok with the other person… and the realization that we are raw people with lots of issues and challenges.

Connection is the overlap of internal experience between both people.

You can have connections! Relationships are built when we establish connections first. It takes time. It takes pain on both sides… mistakes both people make. We hurt others and that needs to be ok.

This doesn’t mean abuse is ok… apologies involve a sincere effort to make changes to not hurt in the future.

I have first hand experience on the pain you may feel. Set verbal boundaries with consequences.

If you want people in your life, look at yourself first. What might you do that hurts others? I will tell you… I personally have hurt so many people that I love. Apologize sincerely… if they ask you back, they care.

If they hurt you repeatedly… remove them from your life.

Sorry again for responding as a “biological male”

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Well I don't see how autistic women would struggle with getting a boyfriend when women don't have to do the pursuing or be the ones to ask a guy out or initiate anything

 

[Au Naturel]

Well I don't see how autistic women would struggle with getting a boyfriend when women don't have to do the pursuing or be the ones to ask a guy out or initiate anything

That still means someone has to initiate. If one is socially averse, as many autistic people are, it won't happen because you'll avoid the situations where most initiating happens. Plus, she may not be aware of the advances, not reading the cues. Or she may get paranoid - why is he asking me out? Or... or... or... there are lots of ways things don't work out.

Many autistic quirks can be extremely off-putting, so swipe right in Tinder but swipe left in person. The better you learn to play the social game, the greater your chances of success, male or female. The defintion of autism includes not being good at the social game.

Many guys are not interested in being a boyfriend. They just want sex. Boyfriend-girlfriend is an emotionally dependent relationship and fraught with risk. It takes time to develop. A date doesn't make you a boy/girlfriend. For every boy who can't find an interested girl, there's a girl who can't find a suitable boy.

The idea that all any woman needs to do is sit back and pick through potential suitors is noxious. Things are tough all over.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

What's with all the hate in this thread? Can't we just grow up and stop judging people based purely on our anger?

If you people can't love yourselves, why should anyone else?

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

That still means someone has to initiate. If one is socially averse, as many autistic people are, it won't happen because you'll avoid the situations where most initiating happens. Plus, she may not be aware of the advances, not reading the cues. Or she may get paranoid - why is he asking me out? Or... or... or... there are lots of ways things don't work out.

Many autistic quirks can be extremely off-putting, so swipe right in Tinder but swipe left in person. The better you learn to play the social game, the greater your chances of success, male or female. The defintion of autism includes not being good at the social game.

Many guys are not interested in being a boyfriend. They just want sex. Boyfriend-girlfriend is an emotionally dependent relationship and fraught with risk. It takes time to develop. A date doesn't make you a boy/girlfriend. For every boy who can't find an interested girl, there's a girl who can't find a suitable boy.

The idea that all any woman needs to do is sit back and pick through potential suitors is noxious. Things are tough all over.

Well that's why I'm sure no doubt the majority of people in the world, NT or not, who reach a certain age, decade, and have always been alone, single, never dated, are mostly guys, male.

I'm sure the majority of 30 and 40-year-old people in the world or older and have never been with anyone are mostly guys or men. For women getting a guy is typically not a problem for them

 

[Rodafina]

Well that's why I'm sure no doubt the majority of people in the world, NT or not, who reach a certain age, decade, and have always been alone, single, never dated, are mostly guys, male.

I'm sure the majority of 30 and 40-year-old people in the world or older and have never been with anyone are mostly guys or men. For women getting a guy is typically not a problem for them

That would be an incredibly difficult thing to ascertain through reliable data.

Facts over feelings can help you change your perspective here, but it seems like you are highly focused on this idea and not interested in changing your perspective.

Based on the amount of resentment you have toward women, I would consider the idea that this is something women can feel from you when they do interact with you. You resent them so much. That’s not a good basis for starting a relationship with one.

 

[Rodafina]

I find men annoying and it is hard for me to think of tolerating one.

Recently you said you have nothing against men, so I find this quote confusing. This is an instance where you could consider men’s feelings when you say things like this.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

That would be an incredibly difficult thing to ascertain through reliable data.

Facts over feelings can help you change your perspective here, but it seems like you are highly focused on this idea and not interested in changing your perspective.

Based on the amount of resentment you have toward women, I would consider the idea that this is something women can feel from you when they do interact with you. You resent them so much. That’s not a good basis for starting a relationship with one.

That would be an incredibly difficult thing to ascertain through reliable data.

Facts over feelings can help you change your perspective here, but it seems like you are highly focused on this idea and not interested in changing your perspective.

Based on the amount of resentment you have toward women, I would consider the idea that this is something women can feel from you when they do interact with you. You resent them so much. That’s not a good basis for starting a relationship with one.

Well sorry but I've always just had a lifelong hatred and resentment towards man always being expected to make the first move and Court women and take the lead all the time or having to lead the interaction or having to lead women, men having to do everything in order to make a relationship happen or start.

I'm not exactly hating women in the sense that I'm pointing fingers at them or not saying it's their fault it's more jealousy and envy towards them on how they are not expected to be socially Savvy or just socially calibrated as much as guys or men do.

I've never heard of a woman get labeled weird or creepy by guys or men, but it's unfortunately possible for a guy to get labeled weird or creepy by women even if he had good intentions and he was never trying to hurt or harm anyone

 

[Rodafina]

Well sorry but I've always just had a lifelong hatred and resentment towards man always being expected to make the first move and Court women and take the lead all the time or having to lead the interaction or having to lead women, men having to do everything in order to make a relationship happen or start.

I'm not exactly hating women in the sense that I'm pointing fingers at them or not saying it's their fault it's more jealousy and envy towards them on how they are not expected to be socially Savvy or just socially calibrated as much as guys or men do.

I've never heard of a woman get labeled weird or creepy by guys or men, but it's unfortunately possible for a guy to get labeled weird or creepy by women even if he had good intentions and he was never trying to hurt or harm anyone

Yes. I understand that you feel this way. Sometimes the negative stories we tell ourselves are reinforced by perseveration.

I’m curious if any of the other topics or discussions on the forum are interesting to you. Sometimes perseveration on negativity can be helped by focusing on other things. I see you are interested in this topic almost exclusively. Perhaps try branching out and talking about other things.

 

[Aspychata]

@Steelbookcollector217 Yes, definitely there is a double standard applied. And because females can be weaker, then we are very conscious of this. 1 out 3 females has been raped. Females also have to worry about being targeted for trafficking. I have a girlfriend that was all most kidnapped for that. I faced two close calls with almost being gang raped. So l can understand that maybe you don't see the other side of the coin. If you want the person to pursue you, then just give hints.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Yes. I understand that you feel this way. Sometimes the negative stories we tell ourselves are reinforced by perseveration.

I’m curious if any of the other topics or discussions on the forum are interesting to you. Sometimes perseveration on negativity can be helped by focusing on other things. I see you are interested in this topic almost exclusively. Perhaps try branching out and talking about other things.

And since autism makes people kind of socially awkward or socially inept or having difficulty reading social cues it makes sense that men are more prone to getting labeled weird or creepy by the other gender than the other way around due to men always being expected to make advances on a woman they like, and also due to men being typically the bigger or a Little Bit Stronger gender that means they can be viewed as a danger or a threat and we all know if the roles were reversed women will never get thrown those negative social consequences it should be obvious as to what I'm getting at

 

[AprilR]

I have trouble feeling close to people and did not have any relationship because of this. Because to be a couple means being close to someone, seeing all of their good and bad sides and i am pretty much masking all the time even when i am with my friends.

Another reason is I tend to be a people pleaser and naive also and bc of this i am scared of men. I have gone on dates and i was masking and nervous all the time. I am also scared that they will think i am a slut for leading them on if i end up not liking them and turn aggressive. This is very common in my country also.

What does it matter that a man likes your physical appearance and wants to date when he does not even know you? You can get attracted to someone even when you have no idea who they are as a person.

 

[Magna]

Well that's why I'm sure no doubt the majority of people in the world, NT or not, who reach a certain age, decade, and have always been alone, single, never dated, are mostly guys, male.

I'm sure the majority of 30 and 40-year-old people in the world or older and have never been with anyone are mostly guys or men. For women getting a guy is typically not a problem for them

I don't have the source for the stat handy, but from what I recall a full 1/3 of all the males that have ever lived during the history of our species did/have never reproduced. The stat is significantly higher than historically it has been for women.

 

[Rodafina]

I don't have the source for the stat handy, but from what I recall a full 1/3 of all the males that have ever lived during the history of our species did/have never reproduced. The stat is significantly higher than historically it has been for women.

It would be interesting to see that study and consider all the different social factors that have gone into such a statistic. I expect the explanation is more complicated than simply that “men are expected to initiate relationships.”

 

[Au Naturel]

getting a guy

Many women have never "gotten a guy." Because of how biology works, men are more willing to have sex with any available female. That isn't "getting" a guy any more than the guy has gotten a girl. If that is your idea of fulfillment in a relationship, you are welcome to it.

It may be a generational thing. In 2018, 28 percent of young men, 20 percent of young women (18-30) reported no sex for the last year. (Given that men are more likely to visit sex workers, that's not much of a difference.) In 1992 the same survey only showed 10% for both genders combined.

Record Numbers of Young—and Old—Adults Report No Partner Sex

Since 1992, the proportion of celibate young adults has almost tripled.

www.psychologytoday.com