Do other women on the spectrum have trouble dating

[Moonhart44]

I wouldnt say i had trouble finding someone, being a woman it doesnt seem hard to do, but i have trouble maintaining them. I am saying this because i am sure my boyfriend wants to friendzone me. he thinks i am "awesome" and "beautiful" but my depressive episodes, and certain problems caused by symptoms or side effects of being on the spectrum (executive functioning problems) pushes him away. I have been told i need to break up with this guy many times. I see the logic in that. I just feel sad that I feel that I am running out of time? I feel that i am starting to realize a pattern, that i always knew but thought i was exaggerating: that i'm not marriage material. not necessarily marriage but . . . meaning like no one would settle down with me, live their dreams and invite me to be a passenger, those kind of things..

do other women experience this? do you guys experience this feeling that, men are intangible? the possibility of being happy with one "forever" is a joke?

 

[simetra]

Contrary to your experiences, I do find it hard to find someone. Men seem to be rather appalled by my looks, mannerisms, as well as my character. So yeah, I don't really get to have trouble maintaining a romantic relationship.

Edit:

A few examples of the above stated:
The one ex-boyfriend that I have used to often remark or complain that I dressed "like a grandma" / not revealing enough, moved and sat in a masculine manner, and that I was too rational and unromantic. These points of criticism have also come up before talking to men I was not even dating or anything.

 

[Aspychata]

Aren't we all works in progress? We are getting better with age. l find l am handling things better and l am happier with myself by myself. It saddens me that you think less of yourself. Sometimes who we really want to meet isn't out there in the general population. I noticed as l age, it's less of a issue. Just staying on top of life is my main priority.

 

[hatfullofrain]

I've never got as far as a relationship. I get so far and they lose interest and find someone more to their taste.

It used to make me feel like rubbish. I used to think that if someone would just give me a chance and date me and get to know me they'd like me, but someone did and asked me on a date... Then they changed their mind, even before the date and said, no, this isn't what they want.

There's nothing wrong with me, or you. It's time to stop letting other people's opinions make us feel less than and inferior.

We are enough.

 

[Aspychata]

l have discovered that about 85% of men are outright bullies. Once you come to this realization, dating has zero value. There are very few men that realize being a bully gets them nowhere. l am going thru this exact situation of being bullied. l choose not to particpate. l say celebrate yourself. Don't put yourself out there to be put down. And it gets worse as you age. They can be more aggressive with bully tactics. Once you stop dating you find freedom. Freedom comes from within. Acceptance comes from within. l have met a lot of older woman who are perfectly happy alone.They tried the relationship route several times and gave up. Now they own their house and their car and live in peace.

There are very very very few men that l get along with and are even attracted too as a older then dirt female. lol

 

[unperson]

I got left on the shelf but i sort of wanted that - knew i didnt want kids early in life and that seriously reduces your choices of men. Also feel slightly smothered in relationships so meh. Lately with aging, I feel I need someone so I might go along to a general disability support group. I'm told this area is disability friendly, which is good, you see more of them/us about in malls etc.

 

[Koihound]

I've had many crushes but I've only been in one relationship before that lasted 1.5 years and surprise surprise, it was long distance too lol. But we met through a college classmate of mine in a MMO (we've met multiple times irl though)

He's really nice, but when I opened up and told him about my Pervasive Developmental Disorder diagnosis, I don't exactly remember what he said but I think it was along the lines of "no you don't have it, you're *insert compliment here*" I think he was trying to be comforting in a "don't let them put labels on you, you can do whatever you want" type of way but it also bothered me because it felt like my diagnosis was being dismissed, not taken seriously... It's like telling someone with cancer "oh don't listen to them you don't have cancer, don't let them put labels on you you can do whatever you want with your life" which is ??????

Why can't people be like "yes even though you have autism, you deserve as much of a chance to *insert goal here* as anyone else" instead??

ANYWAYS, sorry for my rant once again lol but from what you described of your current boyfriend, he's giving me bad vibes so far. I understand that everyone's not knowledgeable about autism and know how to properly handle another person having it, as well as anxiety, depression, adhd, etc. But for someone who thinks you're "awesome" and "beautiful," you're depressive episodes are something that you actually go through and won't magically disappear in a day. So if he's planning on a long term relationship, it can't be "you're awesome except when you are acting more autistic" or "you're beautiful except when you go through these depressive episodes" or else the relationship will suffer. I find that in relationships and having children, people are so quick to want one because of how "beautiful" they are and what they can do for them, but more often than not, they don't want to deal with the "downsides" and "problems" that (can possibly) come along with it (ex. physical and mental illnesses, special needs).

As someone who's 27 years old, still trying to figure her life out, and have seen those around me get married, have kids, etc. I don't think you should be worried about your age unless you're planning on having biological kids. I know it's funny of me to say this after my thread yesterday (I'm feeling a lot better today), but I think we should work more on ourselves and be ourselves and partake in things we genuinely love so that once we do, we attract people we have more in common with, can match our intelligence with, our values, have that mutual level of respect and understanding with. Because idk about you, but I'd rather be old and happy with myself regardless if I get into a relationship or not, than look back when I'm old and regret staying with a certain person since I was younger just because I felt like there weren't any better options for me.

I find that the things you want, come easier to you when you're not fixated on looking for it

 

[Moonhart44]

Contrary to your experiences, I do find it hard to find someone. Men seem to be rather appalled by my looks, mannerisms, as well as my character. So yeah, I don't really get to have trouble maintaining a romantic relationship.

Edit:

A few examples of the above stated:
The one ex-boyfriend that I have used to often remark or complain that I dressed "like a grandma" / not revealing enough, moved and sat in a masculine manner, and that I was too rational and unromantic. These points of criticism have also come up before talking to men I was not even dating or anything.

Ive defitely been told i'm masculine in manner. I have been actually mistaken for a man several times and many people will repeatedly ask me if i am a lesbian, even if they see my male partner.

 

[Moonhart44]

Aren't we all works in progress? We are getting better with age. l find l am handling things better and l am happier with myself by myself. It saddens me that you think less of yourself. Sometimes who we really want to meet isn't out there in the general population. I noticed as l age, it's less of a issue. Just staying on top of life is my main priority.

Yeh. i have always considered myself as someone who was destined to be alone, and when i say always, i mean since i was 3, when i started preschool. i sometimes wish i was wrong. i would like to not be scared of socializing and also find someone who i like and who likes me. I also am very ambitious because i know at the same time its wrong for me to live and wait for someone "to make me happy", and thus try to find happiness by pursuing my own dreams. i have to say its been quite exciting, but i guess i just wish i had someone i could share it with.

 

[Moonhart44]

I've never got as far as a relationship. I get so far and they lose interest and find someone more to their taste.

It used to make me feel like rubbish. I used to think that if someone would just give me a chance and date me and get to know me they'd like me, but someone did and asked me on a date... Then they changed their mind, even before the date and said, no, this isn't what they want.

There's nothing wrong with me, or you. It's time to stop letting other people's opinions make us feel less than and inferior.

We are enough.

I know my biggest problem in life is not loving myself enough to put me first

 

[Moonhart44]

I've had many crushes but I've only been in one relationship before that lasted 1.5 years and surprise surprise, it was long distance too lol. But we met through a college classmate of mine in a MMO (we've met multiple times irl though)

He's really nice, but when I opened up and told him about my Pervasive Developmental Disorder diagnosis, I don't exactly remember what he said but I think it was along the lines of "no you don't have it, you're *insert compliment here*" I think he was trying to be comforting in a "don't let them put labels on you, you can do whatever you want" type of way but it also bothered me because it felt like my diagnosis was being dismissed, not taken seriously... It's like telling someone with cancer "oh don't listen to them you don't have cancer, don't let them put labels on you you can do whatever you want with your life" which is ??????

Why can't people be like "yes even though you have autism, you deserve as much of a chance to *insert goal here* as anyone else" instead??

ANYWAYS, sorry for my rant once again lol but from what you described of your current boyfriend, he's giving me bad vibes so far. I understand that everyone's not knowledgeable about autism and know how to properly handle another person having it, as well as anxiety, depression, adhd, etc. But for someone who thinks you're "awesome" and "beautiful," you're depressive episodes are something that you actually go through and won't magically disappear in a day. So if he's planning on a long term relationship, it can't be "you're awesome except when you are acting more autistic" or "you're beautiful except when you go through these depressive episodes" or else the relationship will suffer. I find that in relationships and having children, people are so quick to want one because of how "beautiful" they are and what they can do for them, but more often than not, they don't want to deal with the "downsides" and "problems" that (can possibly) come along with it (ex. physical and mental illnesses, special needs).

As someone who's 27 years old, still trying to figure her life out, and have seen those around me get married, have kids, etc. I don't think you should be worried about your age unless you're planning on having biological kids. I know it's funny of me to say this after my thread yesterday (I'm feeling a lot better today), but I think we should work more on ourselves and be ourselves and partake in things we genuinely love so that once we do, we attract people we have more in common with, can match our intelligence with, our values, have that mutual level of respect and understanding with. Because idk about you, but I'd rather be old and happy with myself regardless if I get into a relationship or not, than look back when I'm old and regret staying with a certain person since I was younger just because I felt like there weren't any better options for me.

I find that the things you want, come easier to you when you're not fixated on looking for it

yeh i have found that this forum has helped me a lot in my feelings of being super different and alone. I am fighting my desire to be with him, and not using the logic that maybe its not that im terrible but that he and i are incompatible.
i am also 27 so i am on the rollercoaster of the "wtf am i doing that people assume as an adult i should already know" ride

 

[Au Naturel]

As an Aspie male, I always found Aspie females to be attractive. They just weren't interested in me.

 

[Moonhart44]

As an Aspie male, I always found Aspie females to be attractive. They just weren't interested in me.

admittedly my default temperament is "leave me alone"

 

[Aspychata]

It's not like we are easy to pursue either.

 

[Jumpback]

I wouldnt say i had trouble finding someone, being a woman it doesnt seem hard to do, but i have trouble maintaining them. I am saying this because i am sure my boyfriend wants to friendzone me. he thinks i am "awesome" and "beautiful" but my depressive episodes, and certain problems caused by symptoms or side effects of being on the spectrum (executive functioning problems) pushes him away. I have been told i need to break up with this guy many times. I see the logic in that. I just feel sad that I feel that I am running out of time? I feel that i am starting to realize a pattern, that i always knew but thought i was exaggerating: that i'm not marriage material. not necessarily marriage but . . . meaning like no one would settle down with me, live their dreams and invite me to be a passenger, those kind of things..

do other women experience this? do you guys experience this feeling that, men are intangible? the possibility of being happy with one "forever" is a joke?

Just to give some perspective, here is me just now out of shape and overweight at 48 years old

I’ve finally come to finally realize that I am actually pretty good looking. Plus I am very athletic and muscular. When I was involved in fitness and bodybuilding around the age of 19, I could beat almost everyone off the dribble in basketball with quickness and was so close to being able to dunk (the only problem was that my hands are small so even though I could jump high enough, the basketball would “squirt” out of my hands) despite being 5’10” and having short arms and being heavier from being muscular

But this is my life: starting at age 12, getting books knocked out of my hands and chasing them down the stairs making me late for the bus and so on by Star Trek nerd bully, who I had no idea how to deal with because I am autistic and had no interest in people, so this was so surpising that that it just caused confusion and anxiety. This was ignored by teachers. Then by 14 things escalating to violent slaps of my head and spitballs and even harassment by burnouts about my “Jewish nose” (I am not Jewish). And so on and so on. When I look back I kind of feel like women, possibly even some off the most attractive girls in school, were attracted to me, but if these seemed to be happening, it seemed like male bullies would torment me to increase their dominance to seem more attractive to woman and get rid of me as competition or something else, because they knew I would get confused and anxious about bullying which they could also torment me for. Or at least that’s how things seem to me now, at the time I was just overwhelmingly confused and a nervous wreck and had a nervous breakdown at 16 from the bullying

So I get involved in bodybuilding after I graduated high school at 17 and then go off to college and become very liberal. But what this results in is very confusing things from women because I can not figure out what their messages mean, but very, very aggressive behavior from gay men. First sexual assault by gay couple after unending attempts to conquest me were unsuccessful, which then resulted in accusations of my repressed homosexuality and hate and danger to others and while hospitalized for all this, I have many disorders and my brain does not work right

Then in trying to look for acceptance somewhere, this results in roommate who was raped as a child because I thought he might understand and I might finally get support and understanding somewhere, but then he is in love with me and banning women who might be a threat and so on and so on and eventually him breaking down my door to get at me and needing to fight him off and so on. But trying to explain this, especially since he believed he was “made gay” all makes everyone upset and I can get no help for anything due to assumptions of all my hate and delusions and repressed things and whatever else forever. But then panic attacks and so on caused by these things seem to make me absolutely uninteresting to women.

Then on and on and on and on.

Like I just think that whatever issues women have, if ASD guy doesn’t find his place or gets sidetracked by nonsense like I did, it’s actually worse for men.

 

[Jumpback]

l have discovered that about 85% of men are outright bullies. Once you come to this realization, dating has zero value. There are very few men that realize being a bully gets them nowhere. l am going thru this exact situation of being bullied. l choose not to particpate. l say celebrate yourself. Don't put yourself out there to be put down. And it gets worse as you age. They can be more aggressive with bully tactics. Once you stop dating you find freedom. Freedom comes from within. Acceptance comes from within. l have met a lot of older woman who are perfectly happy alone.They tried the relationship route several times and gave up. Now they own their house and their car and live in peace.

There are very very very few men that l get along with and are even attracted too as a older then dirt female. lol

I can relate to a lot of things women on here say, like where you say “l have discovered that about 85% of men are outright bullies.”. I have had unending aggresiveness from gay men bullying me into sex or just sexual assaults or closeted gay men who I just think are friends maneuvering me into roommate situations and bullying me by getting rid of women who might be potential competition or pressuring me into giving a blowjob and so on.

It’s actually the same thing, but it frustrates me to no end when you can just say this and receive likes where if I say almost exactly the same thing I hate gays and women accusing me of hating gays for having exactly the same issue as women have get likes. And this issue is far worse almost everywhere else.

It isn’t actually that the majority of straight/gay men are asses, it just seems like it because the aggressive ones are the ones one has to deal with.

 

[SusanLR]

I've always known I didn't want children. And marriage to me is a four letter word.
I've done a lot of dating and had boyfriends both short termed and a couple of long termed relationships.
But, I never desired living with any of them.

If they were looking for a wife, that ended that for me.
Some told me I was too much like ' one of the guys' so I was dumped for that a few times.
As far as what I wanted from a relationship was someone to do things with and have fun with.
The love connection was just never that deep.
Now here I am living with an old geezer that is grumpy and always putting everyone down.
But, I'm old now too, and prefer not to live alone. So it's platonic.

 

[Jumpback]

admittedly my default temperament is "leave me alone"

By appearing to be difficult to approach, you might accidently be limiting yourself to the most aggressive, disrespectful guys, since ‘nicer’ sorts of guys don’t want to annoy you by expressing interest?

 

[simetra]

By appearing to be difficult to approach, you might accidently be limiting yourself to the most aggressive, disrespectful guys, since ‘nicer’ sorts of guys don’t want to annoy you by expressing interest?

IMO being more approachable could also attract more abusive people because they think one is easy to mess with. It's a two-edged sword

 

[Jumpback]

IMO being more approachable could also attract more abusive people because they think one is easy to mess with. It's a two-edged sword

Again, I relate. Being accepting and tolerant of gay men just seemed to result in me being seen as possibly being someone succeptable to conquest by the most aggressive gay men.

I wish the social rules were backwards, where it was more the women’s role to go after the guy and it was the guys role to fight off unwanted advances by women to bed the guy and so forth. I mean, I understand that sometimes things are backwards, but it seems like a guy has to be, to quote “Zoolander,” “really, really ridiculously good looking” to have such things happen very frequently.

I am not a woman, but I have seen the difference between straight women and gay men, and there is very little that is similar. Even very aggressive women just give signals that are more clear than other women’s signals. Very aggressive gay men take about a whole 3 minutes to go straight to pressuring into sex or even such things as immediate crotch grabbing and so forth. I have even just instantly been sent “dick pics” or offered a discount if I gave a blowjob when I was dealing in items, like these were the very first communications. Being pressured to receive a blowjob, go mutually masturbate and so forth. I imagine that these are the sorts of things that women have to deal with.

Despite that I have a 1000 times more experience with straight women than gay men, I have not one experience with women that goes straight to pressuringing into sex or any sexual assaults, and about 10 such experiences with gay men.