Do other women on the spectrum have trouble dating

[Jonn]

i feel like girls (clients and coworkers) ask me if i have children and why i dont have children. i hear people speak through jealousy thinking if they looked like me things will be easier for them. well its not. these same people who are jealous or feel shame because of me should not. they happen to be married or in relationships. i hear their fone conversations and they are happy i see their body language and theyre relaxed, emotional status to which i never related.

Had you been born an NT, the probability would have been that you embraced the NT social trope as well.
Genetic coding at work. What can you do? <shrug>

 

[Jonn]

I think that avoiding the idea that you are good or bad would be helpful. This is a false dichotomy that only works with people who have a functional ego.

I totally agree. To be driven by other people's expectations lessens a person's ability to further develop themselves. This is why I am against "Masking".

RE: Ego.
I don't have a pronounced one.
Ideally, I'd prefer not to have one at all.

To clarify.
I am using "ego" in a mainstream sense, which tends to be connected with hubris/arrogance.
The Truth is more important to me than social status.

 

[Aspychata]

6

May I ask why you are so much in demand?
Not all women are "hunted" the way you seem to be.

l just lay really low. And l laugh a lot. l have some great memories. So why someone would care about a 60+ female is very hard to grasp. So that just leaves money as the *attraction *. l also try to be the best friend to mr handsome that l can be.

 

[Jonn]

l am not attractive

Reason/logic would suggest otherwise.

 

[AspieOtaku]

What hurts more is many female aspies get misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. There are as many female aspies as male aspies its easier diagnosing male aspies than female aspies and its sad they are misdiagnosed with bipolar while both sexes with ASD can get it too, It pains me at times ASD is ignored in women and just seen as bipolar, Aspies get moody too i got so bad a bipolar woman told me to take deep breaths to calm down, my emotions get out of control like crazy and anxiety hits hard. I think women have just as many issues as us guys do,in many ways more due to less diagnostics many more women misdiagnosed than us men its a fact, i accept that.

 

[Keena]

I wouldnt say i had trouble finding someone, being a woman it doesnt seem hard to do

I don’t know, I would disagree with that. I can’t remember the last time I felt that someone was interested in me. I have been interested, yes, and I have thought a few of them were interested in return only to find that I’d made a huge error in judgment. The last time was this past spring, and it was devastating. I can’t say why, for sure, since he and I are incredibly incompatible, but I just...liked him. I liked being around him. And he was so indifferent about me, and even seemed insulted that I was interested. That seems to be the general reaction.

And before anyone replies with encouragement or words of advice, I have heard it all and tried it all. I have done online dating on and off for 10 years; I’ve never made it past a first date. I haven’t actually gone on a date or dated anyone in two years, and that guy turned out to be a narcissist. I have had two relationships in my adult life, both lasting under a year. I am 42. It’s not that I’m desperate or frantically searching; I actually don’t really look much anymore. I just wish I didn’t feel like a) there was something horribly, repulsively wrong with me and b) like an outcast even in the ASD community since many women I speak to have significant others. I don’t think I’m particularly unattractive, I’m intelligent, and I can be a lot of fun. But, you know, there’s a lot of social stuff I just don’t understand.

(Sorry to hijack your thread; I was coming on here to talk about something similar.)

 

[Keena]

admittedly my default temperament is "leave me alone"

I mean, yeah, I was told in my 20s that my problem was the expression I constantly wore. I never really understood since in my 20s I wasn’t particularly antisocial. I’ve grown to be more so in the last few years as social disappointment piles up. However, those occasions when I happen upon someone I do want to get to know, whom I can tolerate and who is comfortable to be around it’s so hard when they think of me either as a pal or worse, are completely put off by me.

 

[AspieOtaku]

My gfs an aspie on the spectrum im an aspie too she lives far away but i love her, shes a female me, Smilies my world. I dont know what i would do if something bad happened to her, shes all i got. *cries* We are one, we relate to eachother both have matching libidos but also listen to eachother, we both have our quirks she lives in Australia i live in USA shes 3 years older than me, we talk on steam chat.

 

[hatfullofrain]

I don’t know, I would disagree with that. I can’t remember the last time I felt that someone was interested in me. I have been interested, yes, and I have thought a few of them were interested in return only to find that I’d made a huge error in judgment. The last time was this past spring, and it was devastating. I can’t say why, for sure, since he and I are incredibly incompatible, but I just...liked him. I liked being around him. And he was so indifferent about me, and even seemed insulted that I was interested. That seems to be the general reaction.

And before anyone replies with encouragement or words of advice, I have heard it all and tried it all. I have done online dating on and off for 10 years; I’ve never made it past a first date. I haven’t actually gone on a date or dated anyone in two years, and that guy turned out to be a narcissist. I have had two relationships in my adult life, both lasting under a year. I am 42. It’s not that I’m desperate or frantically searching; I actually don’t really look much anymore. I just wish I didn’t feel like a) there was something horribly, repulsively wrong with me and b) like an outcast even in the ASD community since many women I speak to have significant others. I don’t think I’m particularly unattractive, I’m intelligent, and I can be a lot of fun. But, you know, there’s a lot of social stuff I just don’t understand.

(Sorry to hijack your thread; I was coming on here to talk about something similar.)

Wow, I could have written that.

I also feel like their is no point talking about it any more. I've tried everything. And people's advice is so arbitrary. Don't do x, do y. But there's tons of people out their in partnerships that do X and don't do y.

My favourite. Just stop looking and you'll find some one. I stopped. I got hurt too many times. I gave up. Guess what. Nobody turned up!

The whole thing is just a farce. Love is for other people.

 

[Keena]

My favourite. Just stop looking and you'll find some one. I stopped. I got hurt too many times. I gave up. Guess what. Now be turned up!

I can't tell you how frustrating it is when people tell me, "Love turns up when you least expect it," or "It always comes when you're not looking..." I understand that many of the things people say are because they don't know what else to say, and they want to be reassuring. But I dislike platitudes in general, and especially when I choose to divulge something that is very personal and/or distressing to me.

Some of the hurt I have experienced is my fault; I pursue things that are probably not wise to pursue, or I give someone too much benefit of the doubt when the reasonable thing to do would be to just let the situation be. And I'm also not great at opening up to people. As mentioned, I don't really want to be friends with everyone, and I'm attracted to even fewer people. So when I am, it hurts more than it probably should when I'm rejected. (And that's another thing; I'm not always "rejected;" sometimes these people want to be friends, they just aren't interested in anything more. And I think I'm always so confused/caught up in the "no," that I even sabotage that.)

 

[Jonn]

But I dislike platitudes in general,

This, and white lies, are examples of predominantly NT thinking, imo. Some aspies detest attempts at being pacified and would prefer simple blunt honesty.

 

[AspieOtaku]

Many women on the spectrum i think are more vulnurable to being taken advantaged of by NT guys being too nice and trusting others easilly making em an easy target by the wrong guys to take advantage of em, manipulate and abuse. It makes me very sad also easy targets from abusive guys to sexually assault, rape, and abuse. Not all NT guys are like that but many who want to control and abuse others are.

 

[Jonn]

Many women on the spectrum i think are more vulnurable to being taken advantaged of by NT guys being too nice and trusting others easilly making em an easy target by the wrong guys to take advantage of em, manipulate and abuse.

Absolutely, but not just aspie females. Aspie males also tend to be very trusting.

Part of the problem I have noticed is a lot of aspies lack a depth of self-assertiveness.

 

[AspieOtaku]

Absolutely, but not just aspie females. Aspie males also tend to be very trusting.

Part of the problem I have noticed is a lot of aspies lack a depth of self-assertiveness.

And im sorry bad male aspies do that too it makes me sad.

 

[AspieOtaku]

My partner my love smile! She was abused and raped so was I i feel safe with her she feels safe with me i cry she comforts me, although so far away in Australia we been talking over a year on steam chat, once this pandemic ends im seeing her and give myself to her, i love my baby. Trying not to cry too many emotions taking over.I comfort her on bad days when shes crying, and has anxiety attacks, shes the same for me, last winter when i tried to kill myself she begged me not to. Soo many emotions taking over im crying im a guy im crying im sorry.

 

[AspieOtaku]

Its not about me i bow out just share my feelings and experience, its about females on the spectrum, ya have the floor and getting ahold of my emotions. I am truly sorry.

 

[hatfullofrain]

I can't tell you how frustrating it is when people tell me, "Love turns up when you least expect it," or "It always comes when you're not looking..." I understand that many of the things people say are because they don't know what else to say, and they want to be reassuring. But I dislike platitudes in general, and especially when I choose to divulge something that is very personal and/or distressing to me.

Yes, but I have a friend who is convinced that she met her husband because she stopped looking and keeps saying to me, "just stop looking!" Why won't you listen to me!"

I've told her 50 times it was just a coincidence. I wonder how many years of not looking and me not meeting anyone who is remotely interested in me will convince her that it was a coincidence and not a fact.

 

[hatfullofrain]

People who have been accepted and who have developed relationships have no idea how hard rejection is when you are rarely able to meet someone you're interested in and you are always rejected (as a romantic interest).

"It's not that bad", they say, "just move on".
Move on to whom?
There's no one to move on to when you rarely meet anyone you click with or like.

 

[hatfullofrain]

Its not about me i bow out just share my feelings and experience, its about females on the spectrum, ya have the floor and getting ahold of my emotions. I am truly sorry.

I appreciate your concern and I know you can kind of relate. I'm glad you've met someone you feel close to.

 

[AspieOtaku]

This song makes me emotional we all need saving i cry. I love the song though and feel soothed.