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Featured Depressed About Still Being a Virgin

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Mathophobe, Jan 14, 2019.

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  1. Mathophobe

    Mathophobe Fearful and Loathsome in New York.

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    I'm twenty-two and I've never had sex. Still being a virgin is a frequent source of distress for me. Sometimes I get so depressed over it that I can't function, which is especially problematic since I'm a college student. It makes me feel like such a beta loser. I've been told not to give the virgin label so much weight, but that's hard to do when you're a guy. I've also been told there's nothing wrong with saving your virginity for the right woman, but I'm neither single nor a virgin by choice, which technically makes me an incel. That's another thing: I don't want to be an incel. I hate the incel community; it's a cesspool of misogyny, self-entitlement, and psychopathy in general. I'm afraid I'll eventually wind up falling under the influence of the incel hive mind. The shame of it all is getting too much for me to bear....
     
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  2. china autie

    china autie friend to dogs and frogs and cats

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    You don't have to call yourself names or be part of any community that you don't want to be part of. Period.
     
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  3. Mathophobe

    Mathophobe Fearful and Loathsome in New York.

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    In as much as one doesn't have to think intrusive thoughts or succumb to years of societal pressure. Your advice is pragmatic and sensible, but it's tragically undermined by the flaws of human cognition. Still, I appreciate your willingness to help.
     
  4. On the Inside

    On the Inside Well-Known Member

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    I know how you feel. I was 23 before I ever went on a proper date, 24 before I had sex.

    It weighed very heavy on me, though I put a lot of that energy towards running, biking and other exersizes.

    I was fortunate one night, when my cousin invited me to a party where I met my first real girlfriend. It was really a relief to be in sn environment where I didn't know anyone. My cousin lived in a different town. I hadn't been aware of how being around the same people in highschool and college stifled me. I went to a small private college, so while I didn't really know people there due to being awkward and shy, I felt like everybody knew me and thought I was an oddball.

    Anyways, I met someone there and I asked for her number, thinking maybe I'd call her. A few days later we got together for a walk and some coffee. A month or so later I was no longer a virgin.

    Seems simple enough, but it was hard getting to that point, and looking back, I recognized other earlier times when the same thing could have happened, but I wasn't really prepared.

    Whatever you do, don't give in to a negative stereotype. I think it's very unfortunate that a new stereotype - incel - has been invented. I guess I would have been labeled that as I did get a fair amount of teasing about it. Keep yourself focused on what you enjoy, what keeps you busy and take a chance when you find someone new who you seem to connect with.
     
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  5. Mathophobe

    Mathophobe Fearful and Loathsome in New York.

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    That actually makes me feel a lot better. I wish more people were as compassionate as you are about the subject. Thanks.
     
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  6. Ronin82

    Ronin82 Dog Trainer Extraordinaire

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    I was well into my 30's before I had sex. Found out its not really something I enjoy that much with another person.

    OntheInside had great tips. We're here for you, we know how things are.
     
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  7. Mathophobe

    Mathophobe Fearful and Loathsome in New York.

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    Yeah, I'm not particularly eager to have sex. It just seems primal and gross to me. But I still want to experience it at least.
     
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  8. On the Inside

    On the Inside Well-Known Member

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    Primal and gross, yes, I agree. Yet the yearning is undeniable, at least for me.

    I was also lucky that my first partner was very sex positive and patient. As well as pretty willing to experiment. We had a lot of fun together, sexual and everything else.

    In short, it turned out I was really glad I resisted the pressure to get sexual before I was ready. It started a long enjoyable sex life for me ( though I've only had two partners)

    Now that gets into another area of difficulty. That of how to deal with attractions to people. There have been many, and I've always feared that I would be very promiscuous if not for (still) being awkward and shy. I have always been good at keeping people I'm attracted to at a safe distance. But it still is an aching yearning to experience more.

    Thankfully, I am getting older and my sex drive is subsiding.
     
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  9. jared mills

    jared mills Rookie

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    i can relate.i got teased so relentlessly for being a virgin,i’ve come to hate those who “did it” with someone & not me,because the way i see it,sex & romance-wise,no girl or woman wants anything to do with any aspie like me,ever :(:(:mad::mad::mad::rage::rage::rage::rage:
     
  10. mw2530

    mw2530 Well-Known Member

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    It sucks, but you are still very young. The more you think about, the less likely it will happen I think. How do others know you are still a virgin? I'm not sure if you are telling others that you are, but if you are I don't think that is a good idea. Work on improving your life in other areas if you are stuck in that one area. Remember, things always could be worse than what they are now. They could also be better, and you have a great deal of control of making your future better.
     
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  11. Graphin

    Graphin Serial conversation killer V.I.P Member

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    Legends say you are gonna be a wizard if you keep going this path.
     
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  12. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    Not much need for me to reply. Asexual.
    Doesn't bother me. Don't feel I'm missing out. Don't care what others think.
    Tried it once and it can stay out.
    Sorry though that it bothers you. Hope you find the path you really want.
     
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  13. Sarah S

    Sarah S Active Member

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    Im 47 im also still both Single & Virgin from birth. It dont bother me but i wouldn't mind finding me a good husband either an get my family and al the rest . Youre only 22 dear you have youre entire life ahead of you hon so try to NOT worry or push youre self on this matter dear it happens when it happens hon.

    I can also tell you a little secret MANY in youre age and younger that claim to actually have well you know HAVEN'T its al an act from the boys club to impress on there mates. + just because youre still virgin and al that DONT make you a Looser ,less of a man, Incel and whatever else labels you may manage to find hon. it WILL come sooner or later when the right time comes im shore dear
     
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  14. Southern Discomfort

    Southern Discomfort Smarter than the Average Bear V.I.P Member

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    I'm 28 and only just got my first girlfriend so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

    Honestly those who brag about having sex are tiny, tiny people.
     
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  15. Graphin

    Graphin Serial conversation killer V.I.P Member

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    ROFL, sorry if somebody wasn't virgin from birth and I know it's kinda possible, but the fact that somebody decided to specify that :tearsofjoy:
     
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  16. Theta.G

    Theta.G Well-Known Member

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    Generally virgins are more accomplished people.
    Not wasting seed to lustful distractions.
     
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  17. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Active Member

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    You are not a loser because you haven't had sex. You are a loser because you attach your self-worth with approval from a woman (sufficient approval that she'll let you between her legs).

    Hating the incel community is counterproductive. It is a product of the culture in western society. Kids are told they are special and that everyone is equal and is entitled to everything. The very people complaining about misogyny and self-entitlement are the very same people that caused this. Being incel does not automatically mean you think you are special and that you deserve women to serve you by birthright. It just means you can't get laid because you aren't attractive.

    You should try to see objectively how you fit in from a physical attractiveness perspective. If you are good looking and not socially awkward then you could talk to a girl and get a date right then and there. A single situation like that should give you enough fuel to focus on what you should be focusing: your future.
     
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  18. Sarah S

    Sarah S Active Member

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    Lets try this again shall we ? :oops: What i ment to say was i have been Single al my life and also im STILL a virgin and im 47 going on 48 this year o_O
     
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  19. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    Being a virgin at your age isn't that uncommon, over 10% in America according to the CDC, although I'm assuming that is based on a hetero-normative PiV understanding of loss of virginity.

    You do not have to identify as an incel if you don't want to (who would, you're right that that community is a cesspool you don't want to go anywhere near).

    I recommend therapy to work through your self-esteem issues.
     
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  20. guitarandtattoos

    guitarandtattoos [Prog Intensifies]

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    @Mathophobe
    I'll be honest man, I think that there is an innocence that I wish I still had when I was a virgin. It would spare me a lot of unnecessary worries as an adult; At least I think so. I lost it when I was 16-17. First things first I'd drop the beta and alpha crap and all the ridiculous labels and stop trying to be anything you aren't. That definitely won't help you with women or getting laid.

    I often wonder if the rise of social media is a contribution to the toxic dating environment or male and female interactions. There's all kinds of dating apps a lot of judgment, superficiality and narcissism and people expect so much from others when they don't have much to offer either.. Now, don't get me wrong, These things existed before and will always exist but in my opinion it is exacerbated today.

    Don't be ashamed for being a virgin either, we all have been, some still are and there's nothing wrong with it. In the meantime if you haven't already I'd take part in some sexual education. Do things to prepare yourself so you aren't jumping in the dark not knowing what you're doing.. learn how to properly use contraceptives, so you don't contract anything or create unwanted children.

    Buy some toys to explore the things you enjoy alone. (I know there may be stigma attached) I personally don't care though and enjoy my toys. Anyway, don't let that stuff get to you and have you ever thought you are in a position others may want to be? You have a clean slate to experience things for a first time and that's very enjoyable.
     
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