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Dating advice...

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Nightwalker94, Aug 16, 2018.

  1. Nightwalker94

    Nightwalker94 New Member

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    I've been dating my 20 year old aspie bf for almost 4 months (i'm 23 but not on the spectrum). I can definitely say he is the most genuine, loving, honest, and patient man I have ever been with. Our relationship is very mature (communication-wise), and I honestly dont think I could've found anyone who was more affectionate and understanding than him.

    My current problem...is that I have a record of dating immature, irresponsible, mentally unstable, toxic men who are unable to get their life together. They can't hold a job, keep a decent car (most don't even have one), or communicate effectively to have a healthy, long lasting relationship. I am the kind of person who tends to look for the good in people, and if someone shows interest (mutual) regardless of their "condition", I'm going to give them a chance (bc everyone deserves one).

    At the same time, the reason for my choices in men are due to an emotionally abusive upbringing that left me feeling starved for attention and I basically became the girl everyone dislikes (the bouncer). I went from bf to bf, back to exes, you name it. I was pathetic.

    Needless to say, my family/friends have never approved of any of the men I've dated. I have always been told I deserved better. (I still think otherwise). But now that I FINALLY have someone who treats me with the respect and love I've basically begged for my entire (middle school-adolescent) life, he just so happens to be another young, car-less (at the time), job-less man with psychological issues (chronic depression, and anxiety).

    HOWEVER, due to health reasons, he had to put off high school and ended up graduating 2 years later. He now has a vehicle and plans on getting a job. I am very proud of his accomplishments, and believe he has the potential to go very far in life (he is extremely intelligent), but my biggest fear is that because of his autism, he won't be able to hold down a job, or drive/think independently (not trying to offend anyone by saying that. I probably came across sounding very ignorant) I say this because I've noticed that he gets distracted a lot with me in the car, and I have to basically be on guard (for him) every single time we go out together, otherwise, we could end up in a wreck. That scares me....

    Not only that, but because of his anxiety/abandonment issues, he is naturally very clingy, and it's gotten to the point where it's putting me off. But once he gets a job, we might not be able to see each other as much, which will probably make his depression flare up...a lot. Considering he also has suicidal tendencies, this is a major concern to me. Especially since he has yet to find a healthy coping mechanism that works (he tends to gravitate towards substances).

    This really bothers me considering not only my past, but the people I know who have become addicted to alcohol, drugs, etc. He does go to therapy and has been taking medication for years but nothing really seems to help. I genuinely love my bf, but at this point in time, I'm not sure how long it will last...I need a healthy, stable relationship where the guy I'm dating is capable of taking care of himself. Considering that I've always been the "provider" in 95% of my relationships, I can't handle going through that again....Do I stick it out, go to therapy, and try to communicate my feelings to him, or is this something I should take a break from???

    I feel bad for even considering breaking up with someone who basically in every way treats me like gold, but when I have everyone telling me that I deserve better, I feel like I'm at a loss...I'm hoping I'm not the only one who has been in this kind of situation....any advice would be much appreciated <3
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2018
  2. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member

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    That is a bit difficult. But my gut instinct is that you have to look out for yourself foremost. I would avoid that which drags you down.

    That said, on his part he needs to face his own weaknesses. Such as not being able to talk while driving (he needs to concentrate) and get away from substance abuse which will help nothing. At 20 he is still pretty young but at the point of departure into maturity.
     
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  3. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You are still young and so is he. The future cannot be predicted.

    However, if he is disabled, you have to factor that in. He may not get better.

    Another "However," is you need to factor in your own risks. If he treats you like gold, that is something to consider -disabled or not-because it could be you next. You could be riding the road and get hit and become disabled. You could become sick and suddenly you are disabled. The "normal" people in our lives often forget that they are mortal and prone to turns of fate, as much as anyone else.

    The good thing about your Aspie is that he will have years of fighting, as you say he does now. Those things are not easy to overcome, being suicidal, etc. Maybe one day he will be the one to give you strength and get you through.

    There are many things to consider but he seems to be struggling. If you want a "normal" life do not keep him on the line. He will love you and then you will leave. And that will hurt him more than if you hurry up and let him go.

    I wish he could come on here, too, so we could hear his side. It is always hard to do this one sided. We get this a lot.
     
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  4. Sloth

    Sloth Active Member

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    I can relate a lot to your bf, I've also had to delay my graduation (university) for a couple years due to the mental health issues. I also was addicted to something as a coping mechanism (except it was gaming,never touched drugs or alcohol), and also have chronic depression. I'm glad to hear that he is at least motivated to try to improve, that's important and a lot of people in this situation don't even have that motivation. I similarly am still hopeful that I can achieve a normal and stable life and going back to uni in couple weeks and trying to be more social.

    That being said, I agree with @Tom that the priority is protecting yourself. You should never feel like it is your duty to "save" anyone. He might benefit from professional help and/or therapy, but it would only work if he himself believes in that decision. I don't know how realistic it is to expect him to majorly change in the short-term, self-discovery and change seems to me a long process. So you will have to decide if you are able to accept that, although if you live in constant fear of big things like you described, that doesn't sound healthy.

    It definitely is a good policy to be honest about your feeling with an Aspie, we have a very difficult time deciphering other people's emotions and intentions sometimes, so you can't expect him to naturally know what you are thinking without telling him, and he seems like he is not the type to automatically get upset just because you are being straight forward. I absolutely agree that people on the Spectrum can be very kind and honest :) , I think that is a wonderful quality about them.
     
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  5. I love roses

    I love roses Well-Known Member

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    When it comes to mate hunting don’t give everyone a chance because you think they all deserve it. It isn’t about that at all. It is about being compatable with someone for the rest of your life. My hubby is good as gold. He get s distracted driving to the point I can’t allow him to even drive the car without me in it or he will come back with the exhaust drug off from running over something or the windshield cracked or whatever. His first wife had a nervous breakdown for managing him. I almost did. What saved me was cell phone to keep up with him. But the problem is, when i’m sick and need a care giver, I do not have one. He has injured me several times. He drove off with my finger in the door. I’m deaf in my left ear because of something he did. Do you want to constantly expend energy to live two lives? Because you will be responsible for him and you the rest of your lives. Then factor in poverty as you age because even if he does work his income will not be enough. Your income will be the main income, you will work, clean. care, for two people. I’m not saying don’t do it but these are issues I have to work around. Can you do that forever? I chose mine because he was kind. I had lots of abusive relationships. So it is a trade off. If picking people everyone does not think is up to par for you, look at yourself and find out why. What do you get out of rescuing people? Why not have a good relationship with someone and do volunteer work if you like rescue projects. If you marry him and can’t deal with the load, you didn’t help. He won’t get better with the driving I don’t think. Mine went through a spell of dyslexia where he went at redlights and stopped at the green ones.
     
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