Dangerous meltdown strategies/harmful stim?

[VioletHaze_03]

I couldn't find any threads about this, so I thought I'd start one. When you guys are having a meltdown, do you have any stims that could be considered dangerous or harmful? My family is now shocked with my tendencies to hit my head against walls or my own fist when I am too overwhelmed to process what is going on, and even try to physically restrain me, which makes things even worse because I hate people holding my arms, which make me want to lash out even more. I feel a compulsion to do this when I can't process anything, mostly because it gives me something to focus on when everything is too overwhelming. My family angrily insisted on filming the lighter version of this stim (wiping my arm across the side of my head instead of flat out hitting myself) and now want to report it to my counseler, as it baffles them and they think it's something I'm faking for attention. I can't seem to explain to them that this is a meltdown thing, as my meltdowns are usually just shrugged off as me having a tantrum or ostracized because I'm nearly an adult and should be more competent in their eyes. Does anyone have any experience with these types of habits, or know how to help others understand them?

 

[Anthracite]

I sometimes "bang" my head against the settee, could you try that? You're still getting some feeling but you're cushioned enough to not do any damage. I do agree that banging your head against a wall is dangerous and understand their concern (though their ways of going about stopping it are problematic). You could also hold your head tightly with your hands if you just need the solid feeling.

 

[Sozdatelniza]

I don't have any stims. But I had lots of meltdowns when I felt extremely bad. I felt painful guilt or despair.
It were moments I hurt myself physically to stop psychic pain. I scratched and bit myself almost till wounds.

 

[Tom]

Hitting yourself is basically never going to fly, unless you are alone. You will have to come up with something else or those around you will react in one way or another. Getting restrained would freak me out and so be a big motivator towards finding an alternative. I'm no professional, but in passing I think I have heard of things like taking a walk, taking a time out, gripping yourself, or a stressball, deep breaths (maybe somewhere else so you have privacy).

 

[Bolletje]

I do not have potentially harmful meltdowns or stims. However, when I have a meltdown due to feeling utterly powerless, I do get (self-)destructive tendencies. I’m able to suppress them, though.

 

[onlything]

During bad meltdowns I tend to bang my head like you or to bite my hands, wrists and fingers especially. The only softer kind of stim I can put myself in is violent rocking or head shaking. I am able to resist mostly until I'm fully alone and never had one in public so far. I hope it stays that way.

 

[AnnadinNoliman]

I actually do almost the exact same things it was kinda freaky reading that it was like you were reading my mind. In high school I always played off me banging my head against walls like I was jokingly being over dramatic and that's how I got that in in front of people for a long time. When I start melting down I cannot help but start rapidly banging my fists against my head, I always describe the feeling as to why I do that as that it feels like my brain doesn't belong in my head anymore. The restraining sounds super terrible, people have tried that with me and it really exacerbates the problem. But my current partner does this thing where she hugs my head really tightly (a really comforting feeling for me) putting herself between my head and my fists and that's been working really well for me so far.

 

[Mary Anne]

I couldn't find any threads about this, so I thought I'd start one. When you guys are having a meltdown, do you have any stims that could be considered dangerous or harmful? My family is now shocked with my tendencies to hit my head against walls or my own fist when I am too overwhelmed to process what is going on, and even try to physically restrain me, which makes things even worse because I hate people holding my arms, which make me want to lash out even more. I feel a compulsion to do this when I can't process anything, mostly because it gives me something to focus on when everything is too overwhelming. My family angrily insisted on filming the lighter version of this stim (wiping my arm across the side of my head instead of flat out hitting myself) and now want to report it to my counseler, as it baffles them and they think it's something I'm faking for attention. I can't seem to explain to them that this is a meltdown thing, as my meltdowns are usually just shrugged off as me having a tantrum or ostracized because I'm nearly an adult and should be more competent in their eyes. Does anyone have any experience with these types of habits, or know how to help others understand them?

NT People do not understand the dif between tantrum and melt down. I can understand why they would assume you were more able to control your emotions as you reach adulthood. They are hoping that you can leare better coping skills as you grow up. Is this a new behavior? How did you manage meltdowns in your earlier days?

They should talk to your counselor. Why are you against this?
Have you worked with counselors on harm reduction techniques to self soothe? That would be a good thing to do. Can you have a meeting with counselor and family, so that everyone is in board with unaderstanding what you are going through? Sometimes counselors can make family members understand better then just you explaining it to them. Having counselors validate what your feelings are to the family often is what allows the family to fully understand. Otherwise, they often do not take you seriously. It’s unfortunate, but that’s how it is.

Self harm is considered extremely serious. So it’s “not just a melt down,” as you say. How can you work to lesson melt downs, and find less extreme ways to go through overload?

 

[VioletHaze_03]

NT People do not understand the dif between tantrum and melt down. I can understand why they would assume you were more able to control your emotions as you reach adulthood. They are hoping that you can leare better coping skills as you grow up. Is this a new behavior? How did you manage meltdowns in your earlier days?

They should talk to your counselor. Why are you against this?
Have you worked with counselors on harm reduction techniques to self soothe? That would be a good thing to do. Can you have a meeting with counselor and family, so that everyone is in board with unaderstanding what you are going through? Sometimes counselors can make family members understand better then just you explaining it to them. Having counselors validate what your feelings are to the family often is what allows the family to fully understand. Otherwise, they often do not take you seriously. It’s unfortunate, but that’s how it is.

Self harm is considered extremely serious. So it’s “not just a melt down,” as you say. How can you work to lesson melt downs, and find less extreme ways to go through overload?

Okay, lot of questions to work through here. It is a sort of new stim (I call it that because I only ever do it in case of meltdown) although I have done this sort of thing in anger before (hitting my hands against my knees,etc) My meltdowns as a kid were pretty bad, but never got physical because I would just scream, cry, and rock violently. I DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE want my parents talking to my counsler for many reasons. First off, I find counseling can be extremely stressful. Having my parents there would send my anxiety through the roof. Secondly, me and my parents are not a team when it comes to my autism. They to present my struggles from an NT perspective, meaning that my difficulties are seen as me making their lives help for my own gain. Imagine if my counseler worked from that perspective. As well, I cannot take criticism due to having almost no self esteem. If my parents show a, in my mind, really embarrassing, mortifying video of me having a meltdown to someone I'm trying really hard to trust, then I might just run out that room and jump out a window in embarrassment! It also doesn't help that my track record with therapy isn't the best (counsellors leave for school or new job or maternity leave, some have flat out denied my autism because I can recognize a happy from a sad face emoji, some were really tough and would just make things a staring contest because I was too scared to talk). I'e had my doctors try to explain my situation to my parents, usually with a response of "im doing everything i can, and shes still like this." A lot of the times, things like meltdowns and schoolwork refusal are either fake drama, ,me trying to make up a disorder or excuse, or me being lazy and childish. "Everything would be cured if i grew up, got off my phone, stopped being so lazy, and acted normal", or at least thats how it sounds to me. lastly, I've went through periods of non autism related self harm. I get that it' serious, but this is a stim that is very, very specific to a certain situation. I have no idea what to do, and for now, it's better than punching a wall until my fists bleed, which I haven't done yet and hopefully won't

 

[Buzzerfly]

Try to reason with them not to restrain youwhile not in a meltdown...say it makes you feel trapped. And, depending on your age, my husband goes to smoke a cigarette outside. He can just go whenever he has a hard time, no questions asked. Cigs are mildly harmful enough but won't freak everyone out...unless you're underage. I don't really like addictive smokers, but if ones mindful, it could help.

 

[Mary Anne]

Okay, lot of questions to work through here. It is a sort of new stim (I call it that because I only ever do it in case of meltdown) although I have done this sort of thing in anger before (hitting my hands against my knees,etc) My meltdowns as a kid were pretty bad, but never got physical because I would just scream, cry, and rock violently. I DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE want my parents talking to my counsler for many reasons. First off, I find counseling can be extremely stressful. Having my parents there would send my anxiety through the roof. Secondly, me and my parents are not a team when it comes to my autism. They to present my struggles from an NT perspective, meaning that my difficulties are seen as me making their lives help for my own gain. Imagine if my counseler worked from that perspective. As well, I cannot take criticism due to having almost no self esteem. If my parents show a, in my mind, really embarrassing, mortifying video of me having a meltdown to someone I'm trying really hard to trust, then I might just run out that room and jump out a window in embarrassment! It also doesn't help that my track record with therapy isn't the best (counsellors leave for school or new job or maternity leave, some have flat out denied my autism because I can recognize a happy from a sad face emoji, some were really tough and would just make things a staring contest because I was too scared to talk). I'e had my doctors try to explain my situation to my parents, usually with a response of "im doing everything i can, and shes still like this." A lot of the times, things like meltdowns and schoolwork refusal are either fake drama, ,me trying to make up a disorder or excuse, or me being lazy and childish. "Everything would be cured if i grew up, got off my phone, stopped being so lazy, and acted normal", or at least thats how it sounds to me. lastly, I've went through periods of non autism related self harm. I get that it' serious, but this is a stim that is very, very specific to a certain situation. I have no idea what to do, and for now, it's better than punching a wall until my fists bleed, which I haven't done yet and hopefully won't

You sound trapped and all alone with this issue. I as someone working in mental health field have not been trained for this sort of issue. We are trained to help with all sorts of mental illness, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, bi-polar, suicide and addictions. It’s frustrating to know just how inefficient we are when it comes to intensive autism such as you discribe.

You are in conflict with parents, whom I am sure are feeling quite helpless and frustrated too. Counselors do always leave! Clients always tell us how heart broken and “abandoned” they feel when their counselor leave the agency and a new one steps in.

Everything you described in your posts sound VERY Serious to me. Even though you downplay some of it. I can not imagine how frustrated everyone involved feels- especially you and your parents. Here is the problem though, you cannot do any of this alone. It just is not possible. Do you have an autism specialist to work with? If they are trained in this sort of thing, ignore your feelings , and utilize the services quickly. A school counselor is NOT trained in autism coping skills.

Of course your parents only know your autism from an NT perspective. That is understandable. They are doing the best they can. It sounds like it is not a good environment for you. In your mind, what COULD be the best and healthiest environment for you to be in? What is causing you to react in such extreme ways at this age?

How can you avoid whatever is causing you to be so upset? Is it even possible to avoid those triggers? Do you take any medication to help you lessen your anxiety?

 

[Jerri]

@VioletHaze_03
You are trying to get at what I’m trying to get at. I started a convo? about appropriate stimming. I’m not sure how to invite you to it. Just joined today...still trying to navigate it

 

[sisselcakes]

I couldn't find any threads about this, so I thought I'd start one. When you guys are having a meltdown, do you have any stims that could be considered dangerous or harmful? My family is now shocked with my tendencies to hit my head against walls or my own fist when I am too overwhelmed to process what is going on, and even try to physically restrain me, which makes things even worse because I hate people holding my arms, which make me want to lash out even more. I feel a compulsion to do this when I can't process anything, mostly because it gives me something to focus on when everything is too overwhelming. My family angrily insisted on filming the lighter version of this stim (wiping my arm across the side of my head instead of flat out hitting myself) and now want to report it to my counseler, as it baffles them and they think it's something I'm faking for attention. I can't seem to explain to them that this is a meltdown thing, as my meltdowns are usually just shrugged off as me having a tantrum or ostracized because I'm nearly an adult and should be more competent in their eyes. Does anyone have any experience with these types of habits, or know how to help others understand them?

Would wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it help?

 

[Bella Pines]

Well the good news is that you have autism. This means that unlike your NT parents and councilors, you have the ability to think logically and view your situation with perspective. The very fact that you described your situation so clearly proves this. So therefore you need to take the next step and break down the situation into manageable problems and consider the possible outcomes for each.

Only you can do this, however, if I was in your situation (and I've been in similar), then I would look at it as follows:

• Stimming. Yes, we probably all have harmful stims, this is common for us. I'm in my 40s now but in the past I have hurt myself, cut myself, starved myself. Nowadays my stims are "manageable", I just pick skin off places that no one sees! I have scabs on the back of my neck that I keep picking and that has been there for months. Fortunately I have long hair, but my husband slaps my hand away when he sees me do it. So perhaps your aim could be a balance, find an alternative, go back to rocking, get a fidget spinner or elastic band. Only you can learn the control you need to stim without hurting yourself (too much or permanently)

• Parents. Yes, they are a problem. They don't understand, they will never understand and they will forever hold out hope of "a cure"! I know, it's ridiculous, but it happens. But. Equally, you don't understand. Having a child is the most hard hitting, amazing, difficult thing any person can do. They want you to be happy. This manifests in illogical behavior. They have probably drawn the conclusion that if you were NT you would be happy. Euch, I can't imagine anything worst. Just thinking about being so emotional and illogical make me nauseous. But this is how they think and you need to grow up and start accepting this. In the same way that they can't accept you, you can't accept them. Next time you look at them, look into the core of their being, see people that love you, who are still with you, who are still trying. Help them, accept that they will never change and learn to live with it.

• Councilors. As was said above, school councilors are very generic, like GPs. They probably won't be trained to deal with our issues. They've probably only read about autism and are viewing it from an overly emotional NT perspective. But look at what they do! Their very existence is to help people! They have a job, helping people. Could you do that? Could I? Nope, I definitely couldn't, I'd last about a week tops. So look past all the crap that we have to deal with every day and see the councilor as someone who is trying to help. Work with them, see if any of their experiences can give you good ideas. We need tips and tricks to help us cope, to help us survive, maybe they have some, maybe not.

• Self esteem. The fact that you recognize this means that you are mature beyond your years. I certainly didn't at your age. And it might just improve on its own. I didn't really come to appreciate my gifts until I was in my late 30s. But now, the fact that I "see" things and can reason my way through life is fantastic. I don't want to be "normal". Once I made peace with me, I found it easier to accept other people. So I wouldn't knock yourself out over this one (literally ), it may come with time.

 

[Jerri]

HELLO ALL
I’m stimming on stimming right now. Try smell. Titilate the nose. Carry a favourite object scented with something you really like..like ylang ylang, vanilla, lavender....
The sense of smell is greatly increased with stress. It is the only sense processed in the subconscious. Using your temporary ‘gift’ of smell...you can ground yourself.

Try scenting an object that is pleasing to the eye, soft to the touch, something that has strong emotional meaning (like your grandmother...because she always made you feel safe.)

Since we cannot usually accurately predict a meltdown, we need to prepare for it. You need to practise positive stimming...learn to do it right... but when you are in control. Using your scented stuffed animal...or whatever. Bring it with you. When you are loosing it...it should be right there...then if you melt down, hopefully you’ll have trained yourself to go automatically to the stim rather that reaching out for the first thing at hand.

This is just a theory...but I have had some positive breakthroughs trying these things out for myself lately. I’m desperately trying to redirect my stimming to survive the ICU day after day, and to not freak out the staff and patients with my weird behaviour. I haven’t been at it that long...but I am learning. I’ll share more as I get corroboration and more data. Hahah...I’m SUCH an Aspie! AND I LOVE IT! Give me time...I’ll eventually make you and your family love it too. But it’s a long game...and I’m too full of myself...and, we’ll, that’s how I feel right now. Who knows about later?

And that’s why we HAVE to plan and practice stimming when we don’t NEED to stim. When you NEED to stim, I think it’s too late.

 

[Jerri]

But

HELLO ALL
I’m stimming on stimming right now. Try smell. Titilate the nose. Carry a favourite object scented with something you really like..like ylang ylang, vanilla, lavender....
The sense of smell is greatly increased with stress. It is the only sense processed in the subconscious. Using your temporary ‘gift’ of smell...you can ground yourself.

Try scenting an object that is pleasing to the eye, soft to the touch, something that has strong emotional meaning (like your grandmother...because she always made you feel safe.)

Since we cannot usually accurately predict a meltdown, we need to prepare for it. You need to practise positive stimming...learn to do it right... but when you are in control. Using your scented stuffed animal...or whatever. Bring it with you. When you are loosing it...it should be right there...then if you melt down, hopefully you’ll have trained yourself to go automatically to the stim rather that reaching out for the first thing at hand.

This is just a theory...but I have had some positive breakthroughs trying these things out for myself lately. I’m desperately trying to redirect my stimming to survive the ICU day after day, and to not freak out the staff and patients with my weird behaviour. I haven’t been at it that long...but I am learning. I’ll share more as I get corroboration and more data. Hahah...I’m SUCH an Aspie! AND I LOVE IT! Give me time...I’ll eventually make you and your family love it too. But it’s a long game...and I’m too full of myself...and, we’ll, that’s how I feel right now. Who knows about later?

And that’s why we HAVE to plan and practice stimming when we don’t NEED to stim. When you NEED to stim, I think it’s too late.

having said that...it’s a step in the right direction. Learn from your mistakes. If it didn’t work this time...try something SLIGHTLY different next time. Keep tweaking until you get it. And then...then...they’ll get it too.

 

[Jerri]

And just in case I didn’t express my echolaelea sufficiently through my overly verbose writing...

My new fantasy boyfriend is Noah Britton (relax...he’s married). He has a few FANTASTIC YouTube videos that may assist you in training your parents. A warning, though, he illustrates aspy perception quite well...and terrifyingly. Be ready to turn down the volume...a lot...and wear sunglasses. I’m planning to show his videos to my family....eventually.

 

[Mary Anne]

HELLO ALL
I’m stimming on stimming right now. Try smell. Titilate the nose. Carry a favourite object scented with something you really like..like ylang ylang, vanilla, lavender....
The sense of smell is greatly increased with stress. It is the only sense processed in the subconscious. Using your temporary ‘gift’ of smell...you can ground yourself.

Try scenting an object that is pleasing to the eye, soft to the touch, something that has strong emotional meaning (like your grandmother...because she always made you feel safe.)

Since we cannot usually accurately predict a meltdown, we need to prepare for it. You need to practise positive stimming...learn to do it right... but when you are in control. Using your scented stuffed animal...or whatever. Bring it with you. When you are loosing it...it should be right there...then if you melt down, hopefully you’ll have trained yourself to go automatically to the stim rather that reaching out for the first thing at hand.

This is just a theory...but I have had some positive breakthroughs trying these things out for myself lately. I’m desperately trying to redirect my stimming to survive the ICU day after day, and to not freak out the staff and patients with my weird behaviour. I haven’t been at it that long...but I am learning. I’ll share more as I get corroboration and more data. Hahah...I’m SUCH an Aspie! AND I LOVE IT! Give me time...I’ll eventually make you and your family love it too. But it’s a long game...and I’m too full of myself...and, we’ll, that’s how I feel right now. Who knows about later?

And that’s why we HAVE to plan and practice stimming when we don’t NEED to stim. When you NEED to stim, I think it’s too late.

Cognitive behavioral therapy...is what you describe. Learning better self care. You are so correct - we have to practice when we are not upset. We need to become self aware acutely, so that we can head off the stressors way before the meltdown. Learning what works for each of us is key.

For some, putting in soothing sounds from phone and headphones and work wonders. Whale songs, birds singing, babbling brooks, or thunderstorm sounds can immediately soothe.

For others , having a tiny stuffed animal in our pocket, a fidget toy, or a squishy rubber stress toy is soothing.

I used to also carry a small bottle of essential oils- my faves are cloves, anise, or lemon grass. Inhaling calmed me, especially when driving in dense chaotic traffic.

I always have sugarless gum. That keeps part of my fidgetipy body engaged.

At stressful doctors appointments, where long waits can make me extremely angry, and very close to meltdowns, I bring my sketchbook, and a few pens & markers. Very calming, and intensive focusing work for me.

I can go for a sunshine break, or a nature walk outdoors to calm myself.

I used to cut. I used to drink, and do drugs to total excess. These were not positive ways to manage stress, or emotions.