Boyfriend w/Aspergers wanted 'open relationship'. Can you help me try to understand?

[Adora]

Regardless if he is autistic or had a abusive upbringing you don’t deserve to put up with his behaviour, I came from a abusive background as well and developed C-PTSD on top of being on the spectrum and I would never hurt someone like he has hurt you.

He is taking advantage of you and I believe you deserve much better than him so I believe it’s best to cut ties with him because in the long run your mental health will be affected and while breaking up may hurt in the short term you will feel much better in the long run.

 

[SusanLR]

He then said 'Can't you see what I'm like now?'. He said it was ok when he could put his best foot forward and project the 'best side of himself' during a date - but having me stay for a week meant I saw his vulnerable self and he wasn't comfortable with that (his words!).

IMO that's the answer.
This is exactly why I never had close long term relationships.
When others see the vulnerable true me, they turn away. They don't want immaturity in sex, emotions,
anxiety, and if they see a meltdown or panic attack...no one wants to see that or put up with it.
And it gets too tiring just putting on the front of being what they want to see.
Masking all the time is not comfortable. Yes, just during a date it can be done. But, being with them
around the clock gets tiring always trying to show just the good side.
True comittment was never possible for me because sooner or later they would see my weaknesses.
And I'm not comfortable with that either.

 

[All-Rounder]

...no one wants to see that or put up with it.

That might be a bit of a generalized view. While it's not desirable to see someone dear in such states, it's better than a lie and having a partner never able to relax. Im sure there are people out there who would even rather suffer themselves than to have that going on for their partner, not to mention that they can communicate and understand the way their partner can best have a relationship, and then things will ease up for them. Compromise and understanding that they wont perform normally can make it liveable. Thanks to it I have a happier more comfortable boyfriend and happier more logical thinking for my own comfort.

But this is more complicated than that having the factor of open relationship. Hopefully in time the guy will learn a different way to deal with his problems and be able to have an exclusive relationship.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Maybe someone else here can chime in to offer a different perspective.

You called?

The answer is way more simple than either Autism or a personality disorder. The dude got some action, and now he thinks he can do better than you. Some guys latch on to their first girl and completely ignore everyone and everything else, and some suddenly decide they are Casanova and want to screw around.

He just wants to build a stable, trying to stay in touch with you in case his Casanova lifestyle doesn't work out so he can get back with you.

 

[All-Rounder]

I think its selfish to tell someone after that long that you suddenly started dating someone else, that the relationship is not serious and ask for an open relationship when you didn't start off as one. And more selfish talking about it when you're actually having sex especially if you don't often do it and your partner is needing it more, to ruin the moment.

I can only say I'm glad you're out of that mess. He should have left long ago, given the fact that you made it clear you want something serious, or at least before dating that new girl. He doesn't seem to love or respect you, but certainly he gets pleasure from being with you. If you're feeling used, you have all the reasons to feel that way.

 

[Pats]

What about when he said he didn't know how to have a conversation with me RE what was happening between us 'because there was no script' and most of his behaviour had been learned from what others do? Like copying. I thought was an Aspergers behaviour. Obviously new challenges can crop up in a 'relationship' sometimes.

Anyway...I'm interested to hear that none of this seems typical to you.

I was thinking the 'scripting' felt familiar. But surely he has watched movies and has some idea.
You did the right thing in breaking it off. What you've fallen in love with is not the real him and he's basically told you that. You know his mask, not him.

 

[Judge]

You called?

The answer is way more simple than either Autism or a personality disorder. The dude got some action, and now he thinks he can do better than you. Some guys latch on to their first girl and completely ignore everyone and everything else, and some suddenly decide they are Casanova and want to screw around.

He just wants to build a stable, trying to stay in touch with you in case his Casanova lifestyle doesn't work out so he can get back with you.

The problem with such cynicism is that you aren't taking into consideration his open projection of emotional and sexual inexperience as the OP has mentioned.

Granted while the dating world is full of "players", I can't imagine one who would choose to feign being emotionally and sexually inexperienced just to sustain the possibility of "sloppy seconds". IMO such an inflated ego would be taking quite a hit just to accomplish such an elaborate deception.

Unless perhaps that you're really talking more about a sociopath and less about a mere "player" on the dating scene. That I could understand. Which if the case, she's better off without him under any and all circumstances.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

He wasn't feigning Judge. That happens to some guys. They've never had a girlfriend, they meet a girl, they have sex, and then they think they can do better all of a sudden. I've seen it happen many times, it just suddenly hits them and their priorities change. The fact that it turned out he got asked out by another girl and went on a date with her really makes it clear to me that it's probably this.

 

[Judge]

He wasn't feigning Judge. That happens to some guys. They've never had a girlfriend, they meet a girl, they have sex, and then they think they can do better all of a sudden. I've seen it happen many times, it just suddenly hits them and their priorities change. The fact that it turned out he got asked out by another girl and went on a date with her really makes it clear to me that it's probably this.

I've never even heard of such behavior. That one "boink" and voila....they're Deuce Bigalow, male gigolo ?

I suppose it's possible, but again I cannot relate to this at all. However I'm methodically minded, knowing that having sex once doesn't make anyone the great lover. But then who knows the twisted nature of some egos?

I can't even imagine myself being around anyone with such a mentality. Though admittedly, if this was the case she shouldn't walk away from him. She should run.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Hahahaa. I've seen it happen. The thought process is probably something like "This girl likes me, and that other girl likes me... so that probably means Marisa Tomei would like me as well!". They go from no choice to choice, and I guess that short-circuits something?

 

[Judge]

Hahahaa. I've seen it happen. The thought process is probably something like "This girl likes me, and that other girl likes me... so that probably means Marisa Tomei would like me as well!". They go from no choice to choice, and I guess that short-circuits something?

Completely bizarre. "Short-circuit". Good analogy.

Though if they're successful, I can see how it would perpetuate such a mentality. Perhaps sort of a precursor to the "Peter Principle".

I'd hate to see anyone like that after their first successful flying lesson.

I get your basic point, however in this particular case we're still talking about what amounts to an elaborate ruse just to have your cake and eat it too. That's something that takes a big head to accomplish rather than just being motivated by one's little head the first time around. I just don't get the impression that this fellow is that creative.

But that's just it. As third-parties here all we can do is to have an impression. Not the actual facts. So it's difficult to truly know what's going on. You know the saying- "Your guess is as good as mine".

 

[KateDubs]

You called?

The answer is way more simple than either Autism or a personality disorder. The dude got some action, and now he thinks he can do better than you. Some guys latch on to their first girl and completely ignore everyone and everything else, and some suddenly decide they are Casanova and want to screw around.

He just wants to build a stable, trying to stay in touch with you in case his Casanova lifestyle doesn't work out so he can get back with you.

I agree that this is mainly the case. And honestly, given he was a virgin when we met, it was a concern.

I've managed to ascertain who the woman is. She looks pretty, not prettier than me, and I'm sure she has things going for her. He said she was 'interesting' on the date. So I asked him why he was still with me and he said 'because you're fascinating and I'm happy with you.' I don't think she is 'better' than me - just different. He didn't have any kind of filter - would just let the words roll out of his mouth, no matter how hurtful.

I think he was shocked that I didn't accept having a relationship with him on any terms. Perhaps he thought I was SO in to him that I would just accept any sort of treatment. I was obviously smitten but I still have my self respect, thanks.

 

[KateDubs]

I think its selfish to tell someone after that long that you suddenly started dating someone else, that the relationship is not serious and ask for an open relationship when you didn't start off as one. And more selfish talking about it when you're actually having sex especially if you don't often do it and your partner is needing it more, to ruin the moment.

I can only say I'm glad you're out of that mess. He should have left long ago, given the fact that you made it clear you want something serious, or at least before dating that new girl. He doesn't seem to love or respect you, but certainly he gets pleasure from being with you. If you're feeling used, you have all the reasons to feel that way.

I agree with this too! The worst part was that he actually had asked me to move to his country and had been keeping up the façade for months long distance THEN decided to break it to me when I flew out there to be with him.

I do feel somewhat used. He had months of turmoil with countless job interviews & trying to figure his life out. He was constantly coming to me for support and 'love' (so it seemed) - now he has established his new life and doesn't need me anymore so I'm dropped as #1 in his life. I did feel disrespected that he didn't mention dating the new woman - remember he didn't tell me about her until the DAY before I left to go home (I was there for a week!). That was a week of sleeping with him etc without that knowledge.

 

[KateDubs]

I was thinking the 'scripting' felt familiar. But surely he has watched movies and has some idea.
You did the right thing in breaking it off. What you've fallen in love with is not the real him and he's basically told you that. You know his mask, not him.

This is the really strange part - he basically told me he has been wearing a mask!! He said he wears a mask with every person and that he doesn't even know who he really is. Moreover, he said he thinks of his life as a novel he is writing (fictional, as opposed to real). This REALLY freaked me out as he brought it up during a moment of intimacy and I was alone in a foreign country with him and yeah...the way he was talking was quite concerning to me.

But in my heart I felt he was genuine. I was with him for this long because the connection between us felt so natural. Yet here he was now telling me it had only been natural sometimes. It has really messed up my head/thrown me through a loop.

 

[KateDubs]

Completely bizarre. "Short-circuit". Good analogy.

Though if they're successful, I can see how it would perpetuate such a mentality. Perhaps sort of a precursor to the "Peter Principle".

I'd hate to see anyone like that after their first successful flying lesson.

I get your basic point, however in this particular case we're still talking about what amounts to an elaborate ruse just to have your cake and eat it too. That's something that takes a big head to accomplish rather than just being motivated by one's little head the first time around. I just don't get the impression that this fellow is that creative.

But that's just it. As third-parties here all we can do is to have an impression. Not the actual facts. So it's difficult to truly know what's going on. You know the saying- "Your guess is as good as mine".

Your guess is also as good as mine!! I personally think the PP is correct - being with me boosted his confidence - maybe to the point that was now exuding a new kind of confidence towards other women (because when I met him he was much more nervous around new people, but I can't necessarily take credit!). So when that new woman asked him out, he now thought of himself as being irresistible & wanted to take advantage of the opportunities.

During all this, he still values and likes me -- so he thought he could propose an 'open relationship' to entertain the notion of dating new people while also keeping me around. Does that sound feasible?

In any case I don't play second fiddle to ANYONE. I asked him -- 'what kind of woman do you think I am exactly?' and he was saying 'It's not like that, lots of people have open relationships, bla bla...'. I'm honestly not sure that he had seriously considered I would want no contact with him. He seemed very surprised to hear that if he didn't want exclusivity I wanted nothing more to do with him.

 

[Pats]

This is the really strange part - he basically told me he has been wearing a mask!! He said he wears a mask with every person and that he doesn't even know who he really is. Moreover, he said he thinks of his life as a novel he is writing (fictional, as opposed to real). This REALLY freaked me out as he brought it up during a moment of intimacy and I was alone in a foreign country with him and yeah...the way he was talking was quite concerning to me.

But in my heart I felt he was genuine. I was with him for this long because the connection between us felt so natural. Yet here he was now telling me it had only been natural sometimes. It has really messed up my head/thrown me through a loop.

What I had said about you falling for the mask and not the real him would probably be difficult to understand if you're not familiar with it. Most of us on the spectrum tend to wear a mask around others because the real us is so different and would probably not be accepted. I have felt before like no one knows the real me - not even those closest to me because I can only be me when I'm completely alone. I also feel that my outsides have never matched what's inside. Example: maybe at a funeral I'm going to be sad for the other peoples loss and try to act like everyone else there, and inside wondering what time it is, how long will I need to stay, did I just smile at the wrong time, what am I supposed to do with my hands, how do I escape this uncomfortable situation, so many people, need to walk across the room and sit down and just wish I COULD walk across the room and sit down but I can't seem to move. No one in the world would ever know that. I've been told I was too calm for them to believe I have anxiety but in actuality my insides are always going crazy at 100 mph.
I've also felt like my reality was more like a book for me because it's not the real me that's living it.
Thus what you have been attracted to is not the real him. I hope you don't feel sympathetic toward him - you've taught him some things and he's wanting to try it out on others. It would be nice if we could have our cake and eat it too, but no, we can't. You don't want to continue to teach him other things about relationships just for him to be able to learn to have a relationship with someone else.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

I've managed to ascertain who the woman is. She looks pretty, not prettier than me, and I'm sure she has things going for her. He said she was 'interesting' on the date. So I asked him why he was still with me and he said 'because you're fascinating and I'm happy with you.' I don't think she is 'better' than me - just different.

That's really not how I meant it. More as in... it's some weird fantasy in his head that there's something better out there, not anything specific to you or the other woman. Just an abstract idea. This is because if he actually thought you had flaws that made him think twice about a relationship, he would've mentioned that (and I don't mean in the obvious way where something benign is being used as an excuse).

He has no clue what he wants, or what his imaginary definition of "better" is.

 

[Tom]

What I don't understand is WHY he asked me to move to his country with him, wait for me to get there (to scope the place out) and then tell me we are still not in a serious relationship?

That is the kind of specific information no one here can tell you. Aspies aren't mind readers. Except maybe Mysterio the All Seeing. But he is very much in demand so you will have to take a number.

Yours is 170 648 126

 

[KateDubs]

What I had said about you falling for the mask and not the real him would probably be difficult to understand if you're not familiar with it. Most of us on the spectrum tend to wear a mask around others because the real us is so different and would probably not be accepted. I have felt before like no one knows the real me - not even those closest to me because I can only be me when I'm completely alone. I also feel that my outsides have never matched what's inside. Example: maybe at a funeral I'm going to be sad for the other peoples loss and try to act like everyone else there, and inside wondering what time it is, how long will I need to stay, did I just smile at the wrong time, what am I supposed to do with my hands, how do I escape this uncomfortable situation, so many people, need to walk across the room and sit down and just wish I COULD walk across the room and sit down but I can't seem to move. No one in the world would ever know that. I've been told I was too calm for them to believe I have anxiety but in actuality my insides are always going crazy at 100 mph.
I've also felt like my reality was more like a book for me because it's not the real me that's living it.
Thus what you have been attracted to is not the real him. I hope you don't feel sympathetic toward him - you've taught him some things and he's wanting to try it out on others. It would be nice if we could have our cake and eat it too, but no, we can't. You don't want to continue to teach him other things about relationships just for him to be able to learn to have a relationship with someone else.

Thank you Pats. I am glad to hear your perspective. Yes that's how I feel...I 'trained' him...gave him a shot of confidence...now he wants to see others as well. He did say that he thought he would instantly regret this decision, but I told him in no uncertain terms to not contact me...so either way, I won't know.

The thing I am struggling with is never speaking to him again. I really felt like I've lost a best friend. We bonded in so many ways, talked for hours on the phone every week while apart, helped each other through rough times and I'm going to miss him so much. Do you think I am right to cut contact permanently?

 

[KateDubs]

That's really not how I meant it. More as in... it's some weird fantasy in his head that there's something better out there, not anything specific to you or the other woman. Just an abstract idea. This is because if he actually thought you had flaws that made him think twice about a relationship, he would've mentioned that (and I don't mean in the obvious way where something benign is being used as an excuse).

He has no clue what he wants, or what his imaginary definition of "better" is.

Right, I understand. I am trying to not take it personally as I feel that if he thought our connection was compelling enough, he wouldn't need to see other women. He himself said 'I don't know what I want.'

Do you think I should delete his number and his contact from Facebook? I get a little jolt every time I see he is online and it isn't helping really. At the same time, it is hard to consider never talking again. Right now, I know I need to heal and get myself to a place where I can attract someone who isn't inexperienced and desperate to try out other delights, so to speak!