Boyfriend w/Aspergers wanted 'open relationship'. Can you help me try to understand?

[Pats]

Thank you Pats. I am glad to hear your perspective. Yes that's how I feel...I 'trained' him...gave him a shot of confidence...now he wants to see others as well. He did say that he thought he would instantly regret this decision, but I told him in no uncertain terms to not contact me...so either way, I won't know.

The thing I am struggling with is never speaking to him again. I really felt like I've lost a best friend. We bonded in so many ways, talked for hours on the phone every week while apart, helped each other through rough times and I'm going to miss him so much. Do you think I am right to cut contact permanently?

yes. If he should ever in the future decide he wants a real grown up relationship he can get in touch. But you deserve more.
Sometimes it's the habits that are the hardest to change - ie talking nightly and stuff.

 

[Judge]

The thing I am struggling with is never speaking to him again. I really felt like I've lost a best friend.

Perspective: Sounds more like you simply dodged a bullet.

 

[All-Rounder]

I've managed to ascertain who the woman is. She looks pretty, not prettier than me, and I'm sure she has things going for her. He said she was 'interesting' on the date. So I asked him why he was still with me and he said 'because you're fascinating and I'm happy with you.' I don't think she is 'better' than me - just different. He didn't have any kind of filter - would just let the words roll out of his mouth, no matter how hurtful.

Statistically speaking cheats happen with lesser quality people. Interestingly enough people go for less and not as smart as they have. Goes to show the grass isn't greener on the other side.

 

[KateDubs]

Statistically speaking cheats happen with lesser quality people. Interestingly enough people go for less and not as smart as they have. Goes to show the grass isn't greener on the other side.

My ex before this guy used to go on about how I was 'too attractive' & 'too intelligent' for him (I didn't think it was true), which wasn't made better by some comments his mates would jokingly make that clearly hurt him. In the end, he cheated on me with a woman who isn't good looking by society's standards.

I am probably more physically attractive than this guy (I don't think looks matter too much) but we were well matched intellectually and with similar sense of humours (and I thought emotionally, too). I bet it's going to take me a while to find that again We clicked in almost all ways, but obviously not everything or we'd be together.

 

[KateDubs]

yes. If he should ever in the future decide he wants a real grown up relationship he can get in touch. But you deserve more.
Sometimes it's the habits that are the hardest to change - ie talking nightly and stuff.

The thing is that I didn't SAY, 'if you ever feel ready to commit, give me a call.'

I was angry and hurt, so I just said 'no, I'm not going to wait for you' and 'no, don't contact me.' He once said that if for any reason I asked him not to contact he would take it very literally and I would never hear from him again. So, I didn't even give him the option of coming back when he feels ready if it ever happens. I'm questioning whether to cut him off forever or give myself the option of reconnection in the future...

EDIT: In other words, do I delete him off FB for now, sending a quick message to say it's bye for now, maybe we can reconnect in future but it really depends. Or just cut the cord without saying anything.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Nobody can really tell you what you should do... it depends on how you handle this sort of stuff.

If you can be cold-blooded enough to not be lured in for a second ride... yet sensitive enough to need his companionship in your life... then that would be a situation in which you can stay in touch.

I don't see why you would need someone in your life that deceived you and treated you like a body pillow, but I guess it's easy to say when I'm not in your shoes.

 

[Pats]

The thing is that I didn't SAY, 'if you ever feel ready to commit, give me a call.'

I was angry and hurt, so I just said 'no, I'm not going to wait for you' and 'no, don't contact me.' He once said that if for any reason I asked him not to contact he would take it very literally and I would never hear from him again. So, I didn't even give him the option of coming back when he feels ready if it ever happens. I'm questioning whether to cut him off forever or give myself the option of reconnection in the future...

He still knows how to contact you and it's better that you left it as is. Let's him know that that is not an option with you period. Good for you. If you contacted HIM in the future or left it open, it would imply that there's a chance you could concede.
My first husband used to tell me all the time if I ever left, not to plan on coming back. It was a mistake for him to tell me that over and over, because I believed him and made certain there was no turning back when I did leave and he was not happy about that. I never turned back.

 

[KateDubs]

He still knows how to contact you and it's better that you left it as is. Let's him know that that is not an option with you period. Good for you. If you contacted HIM in the future or left it open, it would imply that there's a chance you could concede.
My first husband used to tell me all the time if I ever left, not to plan on coming back. It was a mistake for him to tell me that over and over, because I believed him and made certain there was no turning back when I did leave and he was not happy about that. I never turned back.

That is what I mean, though: I said, don't contact me ever. So I know that he won't -- unless I contact him first. And any further contact from me would not be an invitation to be lovers again, but for companionship only. But maybe I'm just making excuses for myself...

My heart is having a hard time letting go. This time a week ago we were on a romantic dinner and movie date! I think I still can't quite believe it in a way.

 

[All-Rounder]

The possibility of a rebound in your volatile state seems to me like a real danger. You best stay strong and never contact him, itll get easier just dont let yourself get drawn back by emotions. Tell yourself its over and you will move on when youre starting to miss him or think too much about the events.

Exes can also get together/date in no time after years of separation so Id be careful with someone like him.

 

[All-Rounder]

You've done well for coming here to rely in need rather than on him.
I'm sending strength to you to stay safe and ease your mind and way to better times.

 

[KateDubs]

You've done well for coming here to rely in need rather than on him.
I'm sending strength to you to stay safe and ease your mind and way to better times.

Thank you, Rexi. I will do my best to receive that strength from a distance!

Actually, I've been doing my best to stay busy. Seeing friends, today I even hosted an event for women in business...but tonight I had a really good sob, I feel just the same as I have in the past when someone has actually died, it's excruciating. I'm trying to fill my time, but when I actually have some time alone it all comes to the surface I actually had this weird thought come to my mind before we broke up. It was: 'Even if we break up, I think we'll always be in each others lives in some way. The shape of the relationship might change, but not truly end.'

^ I have NO idea where that came from and this was before I visited him! Anyway...I'm just talking out loud. It doesn't have to mean anything. I know I have to look after myself.

 

[KateDubs]

But I hope I can be brave and move on properly. Cut him off cleanly. I want to give myself a real chance at finding someone good for me, but getting through this period of grief is going to be the hardest part.

It's when you can still remember what it was like to be holding the other person/held by them just yesterday - and yet know they are nothing more than a memory from now on. < THAT is the rough part imo.

 

[Skids]

Personally speaking i cannot ever comprehend how anybody would wish to date a man / woman who openly wanted to see other men / women. To be honest i find it weird and selfish. If i'm in a relationship with a woman and wanted to see another woman then i'd just tell the first woman that i don't want to see her anymore, be honest and sympathetic as is the decent thing and then go off with the other woman who would have been aware i couldn't have a relationship with her unless i'd have called it a day with the first woman and then knowing that i've been honest and fair to all parties.

I would never dream of stringing multiple women along unless they are fully aware of what i'm doing and are happy with it.

Having said that, people that have open relationships aren't doing anything wrong and each to their own but i'd suggest if the idea of being in an open relationship upsets you in any way then the person requesting this of you should be given a wide berth. Just my opinion from an old school man in his 40's.

I am widely accepting of most things to do with relationships / sexuality despite being your stereotypical man who likes football and beer but open relationships i just don't get.

I do hope you find a solution to this and go on to be very happy whatever. Sorry i couldn't have been of much help.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

him wanting to play the field has nothing to do with autism.



….and you can do better.

 

[Bolletje]

Delete him from Facebook and give yourself a chance to heal.

 

[All-Rounder]

Personally speaking i cannot ever comprehend how anybody would wish to date a man / woman who openly wanted to see other men / women. To be honest i find it weird and selfish. If i'm in a relationship with a woman and wanted to see another woman then i'd just tell the first woman that i don't want to see her anymore, be honest and sympathetic as is the decent thing and then go off with the other woman who would have been aware i couldn't have a relationship with her unless i'd have called it a day with the first woman and then knowing that i've been honest and fair to all parties.

I would never dream of stringing multiple women along unless they are fully aware of what i'm doing and are happy with it.

Having said that, people that have open relationships aren't doing anything wrong and each to their own but i'd suggest if the idea of being in an open relationship upsets you in any way then the person requesting this of you should be given a wide berth. Just my opinion from an old school man in his 40's.

I am widely accepting of most things to do with relationships / sexuality despite being your stereotypical man who likes football and beer but open relationships i just don't get.

I do hope you find a solution to this and go on to be very happy whatever. Sorry i couldn't have been of much help.

I think the dilemma is he knows he cheated and he doesn't have the motivation to change and admit he made a mistake and that it doesn't make him.

When i cheated I wanted to give up on my preference of having just a partner and was open to the idea that im not to be trusted because im not meant to be for commited relationships. No matter how crazy the idea sounded even to me I would have rather just have a mutual agreement with someone that we can both cheat or have multiple partners rather than trying to change. Then there was the idea that where there are 3 people involved they take care of each others needs easier but i think thats a misconception because you cant split yourself up as easily for everyone and there is jealousy involved despite agreement which is difficult and cruel unless they're a psycho and even they are jealous and who would want to be dating a big amount of psychos?

Thankfully thats all in the past and my ex whom i actually cheated on helped me take a different look at myself and grow before she cut ties with me.

 

[Mary Lyn]

Kate how do you know this man is on the spectrum? Is it only because he told you and you have no-one to confirm it?

I have heard that some character disturbed people are often posing as ASD it allows them to manipulate more. Some traits are similar and can be twisted to be of use for them.

You seem to believe what he tells you but a lot of it seems BS to me. It is easier to trust when you are not an outsider.

You said he told you he does not know what he is doing. Oh yes he does and you should have taken notice when he told you about his 'mask'. Although everyone to some extent does keep their full self hidden and we are at base alone in life, the motive for this concealment says everything. If it is to hide our vulnerability and shame, then that is not an abuser, but if it is to manipulate which this man seems to have been doing, you need to run and not look back.

You can find some help online in escaping from a toxic relationship, as you seem to have it bad and psychotherapy if you can afford it but not all therapists are fully in the know regarding this type of disordered personality which could be narcissism.

You have my deepest sympathy but once you cut him off completely and allow yourself to recover you will be much happier. It is hard but there are many who have done it and come out on the other side as much more evolved people.

 

[KateDubs]

He said he was diagnosed as a child and tbh, I have known other autistic people, and see similarities (hard to describe, just in how he behaves overall and mannerisms. People often don't 'get' him). He had very rigid routines when we met & if he was as much as a minute late he took it very seriously, apologising profusely etc! He has a hobby he gets kind of obsessive about & he does have limited facial expressions compared to other people I suppose.

I'm just reluctant to label him as a bad person as, up until this awful weekend, he hadn't been. As I say, he'd been very supportive and giving since I'd known him, during the trip he cooked me lovely meals & came to my rescue a couple of times. It's hard for me to accept it as a 'toxic' relationship when I felt it only became toxic suddenly at the end. But I suppose if I was manipulated, then it was.

I'm not sure if he's even capable of conscious manipulation. I honestly thought he didn't have a bad bone in his body. Maybe I'm being naïve because I don't want to believe it!

I'm still glad I said 'no' to open relationship. I could have kept him but my self esteem would've been in the gutter.

One thing I found weird. I told him I don't want to share you and I don't want you to be ok with sharing me. I said IMO when 2 people decide to be together it's because they view each other as 'special' in some way, something that sets them apart in some way from others (he has often talked about how 'fascinating' I am, so I assumed he felt this way). But his response was a flat: 'I don't know what it means to be special or to recognise it.'

 

[All-Rounder]

Maybe he was just trying to please you when he said that youre so fascinating, wearing his mask or maybe he doesn't get the meaning of it.

Truth be told, when you try to overcompensate what you're feeling, it prevents you from truly catching feelings even if you're otherwise able to.

Then if you're always fake you don't feel like it's real and you feel neglected while you are putting all your power into pleasing someone, and pleasing someone easily drains you if you don't naturally feel like you want to, like an instinct which comes in time and is pleasant.

Sometimes if you're empty inside or prone to be, you gotta fill it up before you can give, otherwise there's nothing to give. This filling up comes from your activities, friends, relatives, people who are kind to you and partner. In order to get love though, you have to be ready to accept it and that's through being open and believing when someone says they love you, and trusting compliments about your positives from others but not in a narcissistic way, like thinking you're the best or better than others even when you're not. Narcs and borderlines have constant emptiness inside, it never fills up so they require constant attention and have an inferiority complex.

 

[KateDubs]

Maybe he was just trying to please you when he said that youre so fascinating, wearing his mask or maybe he doesn't get the meaning of it.

I don't think he was making it up. He's said it throughout our time together & I always felt he meant it. He would always be engaged with me, having fun and asking lots of questions.

Again, I just think it is what the PP said. Being with me gave him a confidence boost & now that his ego is swollen he thinks he can conquer the world's women. Good luck to him

It's like - he is a very interesting guy. I know there are other interesting guys out there, but I wasn't pursuing them. That it what commitment is and I was never going to get it from him.