Aspies and Marriages

[Biblio-Love]

I don't care what labels they use. I am all of those things some of time, but so much more. He gets that. And I get that about him. Every couple that stays together learns when to give space and when to offer help. He has my back and I feel secure with him. I don't feel that around many people. Trust is so important.

 

[OutsideIn]

I've been married for 25 years to a neurotypical man who is as social as I am introverted. It hasn't been easy and we did come close to separating several times, only to find that we liked being married more than being apart. My finally getting diagnosed has made us both more understanding of our differences and it's definitely helped us to figure out what things we can hope to improve and what need to accept. I also think that living with someone who models good social skills has helped me to improve in that area, which makes socializing a little easier for me.

 

[Biblio-Love]

That is awesome OI! I know what you mean about modeling appropriate social behaviour. My husband use to question me on things, saying "don't you think you should... (fill in the blank)". After awhile, he stopped questioning me and just told me to do it or did it for me. He is the one that sends cards and makes social cards. He finally realized that I just didn't get that I was SUPPOSED to do it. Many conventions seems pointless to me, but our life is easier if I do them. I think he tolerates my mess and my obsessions well enough. We nearly separated once. The social part is the hardest on him.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to have to pretend to be something I'm not to have a long relationship with an NT.
Luckily not everyone who's interested is NT.

 

[Biblio-Love]

Social calls, that is. I hate talking on the phone. Now he is really supportive, but it took years to get there. He use to get frustrated and angry. And his family made it worse, comments like "you accomidate her too much," "why isn't she doing that," or things much worse. Eventually he told them all to back off. It always surprises me how much some people care about other people's business.

I know it is hard on him sometimes, but there are advantages to having a non-gossipy wife who doesn't nag. I don't care if he leaves his stuff all over the house or mows the lawn bi-weekly. For the most part, he does what he wants when he wants. We talk about all sorts of things, things others consider taboo, and I have no sexual inhibitions.

 

[Biblio-Love]

Good to have choices Dizzy! I wouldn't consider it being someone you are not. I have learned some social customs, but my husband takes up the slake. We have to our own compromises. We never invite people over unless I have lots of time to mentally prepare for it. Once a year we have one big party, in the summer so people stay outside. My husband figures since we never have family over, then once a year having them all over is fine. He invites them all and prepares most of the food. I go grocery shopping since I enjoy it a lot, all those aisles of cans! We live in chaotic mess, and have a rediculous amount of animals. He has adjusted more than I have. It works now, but it took years to come to a mutual understanding of expectations.

 

[Soup]

Nice to see so many people making relationships work. It really isn't always easy. I agree with Biblio-Love. You have to be able to be exactly who you are or else whomever is in the relationship with you can never really be with you at all. There are plenty of guys out there Aspies AND NTs who will find you to be incredibly attractive & intriguing with all your eclectic interests & intelligence. There are a lot of pretty girls out there but looks change with time & there has to be something deeper in order to sustain a relationship. As a person, everyone here seems to find you to be an interesting person & enjoyable to chat with.

 

[Scaramouche]

Well, I think there are may be many obstacles both for aspie and his/her partner. Marriage between two aspies seems to me even more difficult then marriage between aspie and neurotypical. Because all aspies have distinct features: different obsessions, different sensory issues, different level of anxiety etc. For example if the loud sound is a stim for one aspie but a heavy stimulus for another - so these aspies can't be together. Also if two aspies don't shares their obsessions or special interests this may be another problem.

If about marriage with neurotypicals - I think that the neurotypical partner must be: 1) extremely honest; 2) understanding; 3) ready to help. As I noticed after several years of survey these features rarely presents together in one person. But I also think that aspie women have an advantage - as their aspie traits could be accepted for a special personality features that makes this person very special. Men on the other hand have a disadvantage - as aspie traits often seems as a signs of weakness, lack of will, laziness and cowardice from a neurotypical point of view. For example an aspie man which jumps after hearing a sudden roar of a bike motor or runs away from the noisy crowd or acts weirdly when being in a company - all this seems unattractive for most women. This may be easier to find an understanding and sincerely loving man for an aspie woman, but this is very hard to find an understanding and sincerely loving woman for an aspie man (actually such women looks much like "mammies", not a "common" wives).

For example. I jumps from a sudden loud sounds - and people thinked that I'm a coward. I stim a lot - and people thinks that I'm gutless. I don't like a big crowds and noisy parties - and people thinks that I have a low self esteem and a sociophobia. All this prevents to have a good relationships and (as the next phase) a marriage. Actually I want to marry but something I think that relationships themselves could be exhausting for me. And I also have a problem with the maintenance of a relationships also.

 

[Biblio-Love]

Yes, it total agreement with you. Aspie women do have it easier, in many ways. Men are expected to be breadwinners and always show strength. A lot to live up to! And most men find me intriguing and different at first, but it does wear off. I had this problem a lot when dating. Quick relationships came and went. Maintaining them was so hard. What they initially found quirky would gradually wear on them. They would become irritated, impatient, or worse, abusive with me. I was at the lowest point in my life when I met my current husband. He is a bit a social misfit, so there was the initial attraction. Ha! And very intellectual. My knees quiver for smart men. And we had a rough patch after the initial fun part ran its course. But if you are with the right person, you both learn to compromise. The biggest issues with us are my intolerance for noise and desire to be alone. As I mentioned, he accommodates me more than I do him. I think for an Aspie man, it would be good to find a quiet woman who is family oriented. A woman who values honesty and loyalty. Of course, I am making assumptions about your personality! but I do believe it completely possible to make a relationship work if those involved are committed to it and share the same values.

 

[Scaramouche]

I think for an Aspie man, it would be good to find a quiet woman who is family oriented. A woman who values honesty and loyalty.

Yes, I think such woman may be a good choice for an aspie man. On the other hand... I'm honestly, kind, quiet and family-oriented. I also accept only long-term relationships, hate lie and manipulation and never seek for other women while in relationships. Despite on the one neurotypical forum several people wrote that with such features I look like big sickener, dweeb and looser. Because any "normal" man must play the "mind games" - otherwise relationships quickly becames boring. And I was considered "too right" and "pedantic" even for family life. Neurotypicals often thinks that man must seduce all woman's whims, see on her like she is not one but one of many and always show her his intensive sexual interest - otherwise woman could think that "something wrong with this weirdo".

I was in a relationships with a neurotypical girl which was quiet and family-oriented. But she brokened our relationships suddenly after 2 months without any reason - maybe just because we can't hide our neurodiversity (although as I think I have a mild form of AS and look "almost normal, just a bit weird")

 

[Biblio-Love]

This must be hard for you. To be told women want a honest family man, but then also be told you are boring. Contradictions exist in everything. Every person wants something unique to them, and our desires change over time. So keep dating.

 

[OutsideIn]

But I also think that aspie women have an advantage - as their aspie traits could be accepted for a special personality features that makes this person very special.

I think this can cut both ways. Women, especially wives and mothers, are expected to be naturally nurturing, warm, and caring but I'm instinctively none of these. It's taken a long time for my husband to accept that I won't be the stereotypical June Cleaver-type wife and mother. OTOH, he knows that I'm honest, loyal, open, supportive and I love him in my own way. We're a good match in terms of personality and basic life wants/issues/beliefs, but our marriage is definitely unconventional.

And like Biblio-Love, I make my husband do all of the social calling. If we have people over (rarely) he needs to do a lot of the preparation in terms of food, atmosphere, etc because I'd be happy to throw a pizze on the table and eat over napkins. And then send everyone home immediately afterward.

 

[Biblio-Love]

OutsideIn - love it! I snorted when I read your post. I completely relate. I don't like cooking and cleaning, and it has been an on-going issue in our relationship. We use to argue about it, so I've learned to do it but it is very basic. Better to do it to avoid the argument. As a result, we eat a lot of burnt food. On the rare occasion when we have company he cooks the meal for fear I'll screw it up. Plus, he tries to keep my stress levels down. I've been known to say "well if they have to come over, can't we just order in?" But apparently that is not social convention. I don't see why it is mandatory to engage in an activity like cooking when I don't enjoy it just to "impress" people - but whatever.

 

[Scaramouche]

I think this can cut both ways. Women, especially wives and mothers, are expected to be naturally nurturing, warm, and caring but I'm instinctively none of these. It's taken a long time for my husband to accept that I won't be the stereotypical June Cleaver-type wife and mother. OTOH, he knows that I'm honest, loyal, open, supportive and I love him in my own way. We're a good match in terms of personality and basic life wants/issues/beliefs, but our marriage is definitely unconventional.

Yes, I agree - women also have a difficulties due to a traditional view on the wive's duties. But I also noticed that such "ideal" housewives are uncommon even among neurotypicals. I still think that the attitude to women's quirks is more loyal in general than to men's quirks. In other words, woman have a right to be strange, but man haven't.

By the way here in Russia exists a very bad hostesses (especially among young women) but men still wanted to marry them - despite their disadvantages. I assume in other countries this situation is same. Maybe this depends a lot from the preferences of the each particular man - one needs a skilled housewife, another may may want just a woman which loves him and this is only valuable condition...

 

[OutsideIn]

I've been known to say "well if they have to come over, can't we just order in?" But apparently that is not social convention.

I don't get this either! Sometimes I "cheat" and buy semi-prepared food like marinated kabobs that we can just throw in the grill and be done with it. Which works great until someone loves them and asks for the recipe. :unsure: Once I just blurted out "I have no idea - I got them at the Whole Foods." That didn't go over so well. I totally should have lied and said something like, "oh, I'll email you!"

We share the cleaning in our house and my husband does his own ironing because if I did it, he'd just re-do it to get it to his satisfaction. But I'm happy to do things like shovel snow and rake the yard so I guess it evens out.

 

[Biblio-Love]

I don't bother with home made most of the time. Frozen lasagna is the best! If people say they like it and ask for the recipee, I tell them to ask M&M. I never pretend that I enjoy cooking. Better that way. People stop asking me to bring things to family dinners.

 

[Soup]

We do the same on the rare occasion that we have people in. M&M is a lifesaver! Their desserts are great too.

 

[Loomis]

During my 22 years of marriage I did about 95% of cooking. At first I enjoyed it but after 20 years it became old and boring. Now that I am only feeding myself I rely on food requiring little or no cooking. I am still on my strict ketogenic diet having eliminated all sugar, dairy and grains. I have lost 12 lbs over about nine weeks. I am eating cold cuts, fried meat and sausage, olive oil, veggies and fruit. Yesterday I went to my doctor for my annual checkup and it will be interesting to see how this diet affects my blood tests: cholesterol, liver enzymes, triglycerides, complete blood counts etc. I have over 5 years of base line test results for comparison. An increase in tryglycerides and cholesterol would not surprise me.

 

[Donein]

I've been married... 3 times. 1st wife was 5 years. 2nd & 3rd wives are the same person, I divorced, remarried and re-divorce (not recommended BTW)... 16 years from first marriage to last divorce. While I had *some* good moments, I was probably a 5% of the total time spent. The other 95% was fighting, constant break ups and general state of war. I wasn't aware I was an Aspie tho. I had a lot of problems with the "not going out" thing and not knowing when is my "turn to talk". There were so many occasions where I "should have notice" something and I didn't. Partners usually concluded I was ignoring them on purpose.

I guess that when you know what you have it becomes easier.

The not going out thing, is what happens with my AS husband. We don't go out together unless it is a party. When I ask him to go out to lunch or dinner, he says no. I have to go out a lot,,,, alone. I sit at restaurants and watch other couples talking and it makes me very sad.

And most of out fights, before I knew he had aspergers, were because he didn't respond or answer. Some times when I got mad and said "why don't you answer me",,,his reply would be "because you are a *****".

 

[Donein]

We share the cleaning in our house and my husband does his own ironing because if I did it, he'd just re-do it to get it to his satisfaction. But I'm happy to do things like shovel snow and rake the yard so I guess it evens out.

When we were first married, very young, in our twenties, I used to iron my AS husbands shirts. Most of the time he would complain , They weren't done properly,,,,And maybe iron them again. This lead to some big fights.