My sister in law burnt every single thing she tried to make. She has AS. She had two daughters , and they eventually cooked. Her husband cooked when he got fired. I have an adult daughter that just got married. She is AS. I tried to teach her how to cook. She wasn't interested. Now she is married we had Xmas at her house. We were there for 4 days. She didn't cook Once. Her husband is NT and he had baked three cheescakes and pecan pies. My daughter bought lots of cheeses and crackers. We brought a honey baked ham. I made clam dips several times, and I couldn't find the salt. I asked her several times where is the salt.??? I found out the day we were leaving that her huband, who is the cook, has to hide it from her. So he acted like they didn't have any, because she would get mad.
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Aspies and Marriages
- Thread starter Geordie
- Start date
My sister in law burnt every single thing she tried to make. She has AS. She had two daughters , and they eventually cooked. Her husband cooked when he got fired. I have an adult daughter that just got married. She is AS. I tried to teach her how to cook. She wasn't interested. Now she is married we had Xmas at her house. We were there for 4 days. She didn't cook Once. Her husband is NT and he had baked three cheescakes and pecan pies. My daughter bought lots of cheeses and crackers. We brought a honey baked ham. I made clam dips several times, and I couldn't find the salt. I asked her several times where is the salt.??? I found out the day we were leaving that her huband, who is the cook, has to hide it from her. So he acted like they didn't have any, because she would get mad.
I've been married for 25 years to a neurotypical man who is as social as I am introverted. It hasn't been easy and we did come close to separating several times, only to find that we liked being married more than being apart.My finally getting diagnosed has made us both more understanding of our differences and it's definitely helped us to figure out what things we can hope to improve and what need to accept. I also think that living with someone who models good social skills has helped me to improve in that area, which makes socializing a little easier for me.
My As husband doesn't like to go out. If we are invited out to dinner or a party, he says no. But he will go to a party. Once he gets there and has a drink, he can talk. And this is funny - he is the last one to leave. I get tired at the right time, say let's go,,,, and he wants to stay. I have to drag him out.
When we were first married we had parties, I did all the work, all the cooking and planning and buying. The parties were always succesful, but I was worn out because he did not recipricate and help. After quite a few years of being worn out, I just stopped having people over. It's easier. He doesn't even notice. He could be alone with his pot all day. I still have friends and go out to lunch with them. He now is retired and has no friends. He has his guitar and two dogs and is perfectly happy.
I've lost interest in marriage. I actually talked to the guy I was dating in NYC who I was planning to marry, and he has also lost interest in marriage and we both have the same mindset about it - oddly, I think we would get along much better as a couple if we had met NOW rather than when I was 19! Regardless, I hope one day something falls into place and I have my own little clan, but it's not my focus like it was for so long.
My daughter was DX'd with ADD. From 20 until 28 she talked about babies. This past year I discovered her DX of ADD was not complete, that she really has aspergers. When I told her, she went ballistic, and screamed "don't ever say that again". She has been married one year now. She married a NT and he is wonderful for her. I read about the affects of having an AS mother and what this means for the child. One author said that it hasn't been documented because of the denial of AS, but this author suggests that there is pscological damage done because the AS mother can't meet the needs of the child. Not because she doesn't want to, but because she doesn't even see the needs. And the author suggest that danger can happen and the child can even die.
An example - My husbands AS mother was an ignoring mother. When her third child was two, she took him into a factory, and didn't keep an eye on him. The two year old child grabbed a rat tail file and it went into his eye. He is now blind in one eye. He was made fun of all his whole life by cruel peers. His mother didn't mean to do this, but in her neglect, her son is now damaged.
Because I can't talk to my daughter of her AS , I can't suggest my fears and I don't want to hurt her feelings either. I have noticed that she has not been talking about babies since I told her of her AS. She is very intellegent and probably is looking into being a mother.
From a NT's mothers point of view, being a mom is a full time consuming job. Two times I saved my AS sons life when he was young. He has AS/bipolar and ADHD. Raising a child like this, is compared to raising 10 NT children at one time. I think he really would have been dead if I wasn't vigalant. Also my son got divorced. I was there for him emotionally, I was concerned he might consider suicide. His AS/bipolar ADHD dad didn't understand what the big deal was. He was not concerned for him at all. He said "what's the big deal, people get divorced all the time"... I said "this is you son".
Soup, here at AC, is an Aspie mother that has grown children, and her's sound quite well-adjusted. If I remember correctly, she also taught school for many years. I do not have kids myself, but I believe that with self-awareness, many Aspies are capable of raising children without inflicting undue psychological damage.
@Donein
I understand you love your children to death and want the best for them but in the end they will make their own decisions that they will have to be responsible for. Believing some book about some AS mothers, and finding proof to it in life doesn't indicate anything. When a person believes in something and wants to write a book about it, she or he will try to be as convincing as possible. You have to trust your own common sense, intuition, experience but also look at all the facts not just a few isolated situations. You husband's mother possibly had additional mental disorders and even if she didn't it still doesn't prove anything. You're trying to take care of your daughter (in your mind) but it could be that in your daughter's mind you're interfering.
And one more thing there's no one perfect way of being a mother. I'm not trying to criticize. Just expressing an opinion. Sometimes people tend to jump to conclusions especially if they had a lot of conflicts and traumatic experiences in life. It's hard, but sometimes it's necessary to step back. You possibly need help from a specialist who's familiar with AS, and who has an open mind when dealing with it.
I understand you love your children to death and want the best for them but in the end they will make their own decisions that they will have to be responsible for. Believing some book about some AS mothers, and finding proof to it in life doesn't indicate anything. When a person believes in something and wants to write a book about it, she or he will try to be as convincing as possible. You have to trust your own common sense, intuition, experience but also look at all the facts not just a few isolated situations. You husband's mother possibly had additional mental disorders and even if she didn't it still doesn't prove anything. You're trying to take care of your daughter (in your mind) but it could be that in your daughter's mind you're interfering.
And one more thing there's no one perfect way of being a mother. I'm not trying to criticize. Just expressing an opinion. Sometimes people tend to jump to conclusions especially if they had a lot of conflicts and traumatic experiences in life. It's hard, but sometimes it's necessary to step back. You possibly need help from a specialist who's familiar with AS, and who has an open mind when dealing with it.
Biblio-Love
Well-Known Member
I think it is WAY prejudiced to say that an AS mother can't take care of her baby. It should be taken on an individual basis. My mother was a doting NT mother, and yet she left me on the side of a highway once in my baby seat.
Soup
Well-Known Member
@Donein: Your husband's mother sounds like she turned her head for a minute and a terrible accident occurred. Virtually every mother on the planet has had a close call with her child. Once when my son was 6, we were returning from the grocery store on foot. I was dragging a wheelie cart with the grocery bags in it with one hand & holding his hand with the other. He was carefully on the inside of the sidewalk away from the traffic. He saw a friend from his class across the street with his new puppy on a leash. I didn't know this classmate and wasn't watching the action on the sidewalk across 4 lanes of traffic on a busy street. Suddenly, my son yanked his hand free & bolted like a spooked horse. There was no way I could give chase and catch him: it was even hard seeing where he'd run off to between all the pedestrians. I tried to catch him but he was so fast & he ran straight for the busy street, entranced by the puppy. If it hadn't been for some guy who saw what was happening & stopped him, he would likely have died that day: the cars were going 50 kph. I can just hear the wagging tongues going on about the 'distracted negligent mother who wasn't even supervising her child'.
His mother may have been an Aspie, but it sounds like this could've been a tragic disaster that could've happened to any one of us. Little kids can e lightening quick to suddenly reach out & do something unexpected. I can think of close calls involving myself as a kid, my younger brother & older one as well, my SIL (a trained daycare teacher) & my husband as a kid.
Once I'd crept out of bed at night (age 5), pushed a chair over to where the medicine cabinet was, climbed like a chimpanzee & began gobbling gummy vitamins (I really thought they were candies!). I washed it down with a bottle of mouthwash & Palafer liquid iron supplement (it was molasses-like stuff that I thought was healthy!). Nobody had been neglectful: the stuff was up high in a locked cabinet. I'd discovered where the key was & waited like a cat burglar until everyone was sleeping. I was rushed to the hospital & a whole circus ensued. Had I died or suffered permanent injuries, would it have been reasonable to blame my parents?!?
Accidents can look like negligence when things end badly. Most of the time we get lucky & have a close call & our hearts are in our throat for a few paralyzing minutes. Sometimes, we're not so fortunate. Neither my mother nor my SIL are Aspies. Deliberate negligent & abusive behaviours speak to character flaws such as poor judgement, mean-spiritedness & possible personality disorders. Neglect/abuse can also occur when a parent means well but has been misinformed about children & childcare & they lack basic parenting skills. These last ones are often simply repeating what their own misguided parents did. I'd bet that there is no valid correlation between child neglect and Asperger's parents.
Even if this woman is a genuine Aspie AND she was a negligent or mean person, that doesn't prove causality between Asperger's & her behaviour towards her child anymore than saying that person X is both an alcoholic & an Aspie implies causality. He may also be left handed & have a foot fetish but these traits describe many people & Aspies are not likely over-represented in this demographic.
His mother may have been an Aspie, but it sounds like this could've been a tragic disaster that could've happened to any one of us. Little kids can e lightening quick to suddenly reach out & do something unexpected. I can think of close calls involving myself as a kid, my younger brother & older one as well, my SIL (a trained daycare teacher) & my husband as a kid.
Once I'd crept out of bed at night (age 5), pushed a chair over to where the medicine cabinet was, climbed like a chimpanzee & began gobbling gummy vitamins (I really thought they were candies!). I washed it down with a bottle of mouthwash & Palafer liquid iron supplement (it was molasses-like stuff that I thought was healthy!). Nobody had been neglectful: the stuff was up high in a locked cabinet. I'd discovered where the key was & waited like a cat burglar until everyone was sleeping. I was rushed to the hospital & a whole circus ensued. Had I died or suffered permanent injuries, would it have been reasonable to blame my parents?!?
Accidents can look like negligence when things end badly. Most of the time we get lucky & have a close call & our hearts are in our throat for a few paralyzing minutes. Sometimes, we're not so fortunate. Neither my mother nor my SIL are Aspies. Deliberate negligent & abusive behaviours speak to character flaws such as poor judgement, mean-spiritedness & possible personality disorders. Neglect/abuse can also occur when a parent means well but has been misinformed about children & childcare & they lack basic parenting skills. These last ones are often simply repeating what their own misguided parents did. I'd bet that there is no valid correlation between child neglect and Asperger's parents.
Even if this woman is a genuine Aspie AND she was a negligent or mean person, that doesn't prove causality between Asperger's & her behaviour towards her child anymore than saying that person X is both an alcoholic & an Aspie implies causality. He may also be left handed & have a foot fetish but these traits describe many people & Aspies are not likely over-represented in this demographic.
duckbutt56
Well-Known Member
I had 2 failed marriages before The Diagnosis. In a relationship now for about 6 years and it is going quite well! My sweetie is not an Aspie, has read some books and done some research about folks like us and is very VERY tolerant of my quircks. I, in turn, have also done some research to try to better understand her, and seem to be making progress...
This author you are referring to is probably of the times when mothers were blamed for having children with AS (because it was believed they were cold towards their children, which I'm sure you yourself would think ridiculous). I would really like to know the name of the author and the date published of this book you read that said AS mothers can't nurture their children.
I have AS and I have four children- two are AS and two are NT- my hubby is NT and we have been married for 16 years. My children are extremely kind and well-behaved children. They do well in school, have friends and their teachers adore them. I have worked with children who are autistic and they have done extremely well- even those whom the "professionals" thought would amount to nothing, went into a regular school program.
All I can say is be wary of what you read until you've spoken to people who have actually had experience with AS. And by the way, I've met TONS of NT women out there who have neglected their children. To say that AS women should not have children is cruel and ignorant.
N
I have AS and I have four children- two are AS and two are NT- my hubby is NT and we have been married for 16 years. My children are extremely kind and well-behaved children. They do well in school, have friends and their teachers adore them. I have worked with children who are autistic and they have done extremely well- even those whom the "professionals" thought would amount to nothing, went into a regular school program.
All I can say is be wary of what you read until you've spoken to people who have actually had experience with AS. And by the way, I've met TONS of NT women out there who have neglected their children. To say that AS women should not have children is cruel and ignorant.
N
I said I lost interest in marriage and your entire response was against Aspie women having babies. I personally have a very easy time attaching to children and I have strong maternal instincts. I do intend on having children and would be happy to have a child with AS, even if it has it's own array of difficulties. I consider my AS a blessing.
I don't know how your grown daughter wasn't informed of her Aspergers diagnosis before you (since a psychologist, therapist, or psychiatrist cannot call you up and tell you what is going on by law) unless you decided for yourself what her diagnosis was. Care to share where you got your information that AS mothers let their babies die more than NT women? Because I would love to write that author a letter. There are many great Aspie parents on this site and in the world, including mothers, and their children are alive, well, and even happy due to these mothers making sacrifices like all other mothers and maybe even more.
If you read "Aspergirls" you will find a lot of very accurate information from real AS women with children, and information from children with AS mothers.
Have you raised 10 NT children at one time? No? Okay. Horrid and unscientific comparison. Basing an entire group of people off of your family simply does not work. Let us compare the stats of NT mothers who have injured children to the stats of AS mothers with injured children if we want to get ticky tacky about who can and cannot raise children appropriately.
People who have AS are blessed with some great attributes and not all of them are bad traits. AS Women are wonderful parents and yah there are some crappy parents out there but that isn't because of the AS that's just cause they suck. AS women have every right to have children and can be damn good mothers. I know many, Kelly here, and soup, to name a few.
@donein: I think as an observation that maybe you need to read up more on AS and what it really is and maybe read Aspergirls and a few other current books on autism and AS.
@donein: I think as an observation that maybe you need to read up more on AS and what it really is and maybe read Aspergirls and a few other current books on autism and AS.
Ste11aeres
Well-Known Member
Donein, I am an Infant/Toddler caregiver, and I have aspergers. I have had to care for many infants and toddlers at the same time. I showed individual love to each, while being aware of what was going on in the entire classroom, being aware of what was going on with each infant or toddler, and preventing each of them from being hurt.
My aspie intensity was channeled into intense care for all the children, and helped me become an amazing professional caregiver.
My aspie intensity was channeled into intense care for all the children, and helped me become an amazing professional caregiver.
Hi Robert,
How did you get your diagnosis we live in Alaska and were told they don't do diagnosis's for Aspergers on adults?
Thanks for any information or help you can give us in this area...based on all my fiancee's on-line tests for Aspergers he rates high to mid-high range but a formal diagnosis would really help.
Thank you,
Coll
How did you get your diagnosis we live in Alaska and were told they don't do diagnosis's for Aspergers on adults?
Thanks for any information or help you can give us in this area...based on all my fiancee's on-line tests for Aspergers he rates high to mid-high range but a formal diagnosis would really help.
Thank you,
Coll
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