ASDers, do you fake eye contact or not?

[the_tortoise]

I don't, I never have. If I look at someone's eyes or face it is always because I want to see their expression or I'm trying to communicate something to them nonverbally (sometimes all I'm trying to communicate is, "I am listening/interested in talking to you [despite the fact I have not looked at you once the entire time you've been talking to me up until this point]"), rather than because I'm trying to look normal or because I figure I'm supposed to.

(This is my understanding of what fake eye contact is....where you look at someone's face/eyes for no particular reason except figuring you are expected to do so. If this is not what it is, someone please help me to understand.)

 

[Judge]

Fake? Well...it seems a rather objective thing in that you either do or you don't.

However I seldom maintain a gaze into another's eyes for very long. That's creepy to me anyways.

Unless you're Kurt Russell staring down Billy Bob Thornton.

 

[the_tortoise]

Fake? Well...it seems a rather objective thing in that you either do or you don't.

However I seldom maintain a gaze into another's eyes for very long. That's creepy to me anyways.

Yeah....there is probably a better way to ask the question I'm trying to ask -- better words to use.

I have heard many people talk about "faking" eye contact -- looking at people just because they know they are expected to, without any specific communicative purpose.....sort of like forcing yourself to laugh when others are laughing even though you have no idea why the laughter is occuring and would not naturally be laughing at that moment-- you are forcing yourself to do so for the sake of fitting in or appearing normal or whatever. (There is also the automatic laughter because of other people laughing, that is not forced but just happens....like contagious laughter -- I'm not talking about the contagious sort of laughter.)

 

[Gritches]

It's a part of active listening, so I do fake it.

 

[Judge]

Yeah....there is probably a better way to ask the question I'm trying to ask -- better words to use.

I have heard many people talk about "faking" eye contact -- looking at people just because they know they are expected to, without any specific communicative purpose.....sort of like forcing yourself to laugh when others are laughing even though you have no idea why the laughter is occuring and would not naturally be laughing at that moment-- you are forcing yourself to do so for the sake of fitting in or appearing normal or whatever. (There is also the automatic laughter because of other people laughing, that is not forced but just happens....like contagious laughter -- I'm not talking about the contagious sort of laughter.)

Good point. I suppose ultimately it depends on one's intent for maintaining eye contact when otherwise they wouldn't. In that context it is "faking" a behavior. The physicality of it all is quite real, but my reason for doing so is anything but genuine, because it's an alien custom to me personally.

With only the intention to "fit in" and avoid accusations of being less than truthful based on Neurotypical standards. Physically it is what it is. But as for why I do it, it's just another manifestation of mimicking NT behavior. - Faking it.

What I find most annoying about this custom is that one can deliberately evade the truth regardless of their physical gestures. Something very upsetting to those making a living as a polygraph examiner.

 

[Bolletje]

I used to make eye contact because I was told I had to, now I do it automatically to get a better read of the other persons emotion - and because it helps me connect with people. Lately I occasionally surprise myself by berating others for not making eye contact with me. I’ve grown rather reliant on it, it seems.

 

[Judge]

I used to make eye contact because I was told I had to, now I do it automatically to get a better read of the other persons emotion - and because it helps me connect with people. Lately I occasionally surprise myself by berating others for not making eye contact with me. I’ve grown rather reliant on it, it seems.

Stands to reason. As a medical professional I'm guessing that it's more than likely that 98% of those you deal with are Neurotypical and accustomed to sustained eye contact. At least you can rationalize why to do it rather than defaulting to concern over the consequences of not doing so.

Those potential social consequences remain the only reason for me to maintain eye-to-eye contact.

 

[the_tortoise]

At least you can rationalize why to do it rather than defaulting to concern over the consequences of not doing so.

Those potential social consequences remain the only reason for me to maintain eye-to-eye contact.

I think fitting in or wanting to avoid the potential consequences of being misunderstood are very compelling reasons for forcing yourself to make eye contact/making "fake" eye contact.

 

[Judge]

I think fitting in or wanting to avoid the potential consequences of being misunderstood are very compelling reasons for forcing yourself to make eye contact/making "fake" eye contact.

I was literally "programmed" as a child in being told by my NT parents quite emphatically that not looking someone in the eye projects deception.

Though as an adult I'm acutely aware of how some can easily deceive others no matter what they body language projects.

 

[Progster]

I do look at people, and often make brief (but not sustained) eye contact with them when I speak to them, because that's what I've been told I need to do, people expect some eye contact at least and if you don't, they think that you aren't listening to them.

 

[OlLiE]

it's is just another aspect of communication that needs to be controlled,
so yes it is usually part of an act for me

 

[Tom]

I think I use a mix of genuine and fake eye contact. Neither is of long duration.

 

[Mary Terry]

NT eye contact can be very deceptive. It is a learned behavior for some NTs. There's a difference between the feeling of "normal" NT eye contact and the kind of eye contact that manipulative NTs fake in order to put their intended victims at ease and lull them into thinking that they are "normal" NT people. Sociopaths and other sick weirdos are skilled in faking normality and they use eye contact, conversation, sympathy, etc to manipulate others. Just because someone makes eye contact with me does not mean that I trust them or think they are honest.

 

[I love roses]

I don't, I never have. If I look at someone's eyes or face it is always because I want to see their expression or I'm trying to communicate something to them nonverbally (sometimes all I'm trying to communicate is, "I am listening/interested in talking to you [despite the fact I have not looked at you once the entire time you've been talking to me up until this point]"), rather than because I'm trying to look normal or because I figure I'm supposed to.

(This is my understanding of what fake eye contact is....where you look at someone's face/eyes for no particular reason except figuring you are expected to do so. If this is not what it is, someone please help me to understand.)

I caught myself having to fake last Sunday. A Lady came up saying she hadn’t met me yet. I had missed her wedding. So I locked eyes at first and smiled and began to freak on what to say. So I simply asked how long was it as I heard our kind are usually long ones. She said it was the short version. Usually, I look up at the sky about that time as I am thinking. She also bored me so since I am trying to do better, I snapped back to the present moment and looked back at her smiling a fake but real looking smile as i continued to talk to her. It was hard to do, but I had to to not seem rude. So I listened to her story and then told her I had a two hour wedding and mentioned how mine went. Then I noticed she had a backpack, so asked her if she was going back to college as it was back pack blessing moment. No, she said she brought her child’s to have bless as he was at his Dad’s house. It was not awkward to listen to her but it was hard. Took concentration. To look away means to them you are not interested or want to end the conversation which is not true, but I do it unconsciously, so I’m having to learn to concentrate to try not to do that.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I don't think I look into a person's eyes often, or for very long. I tend to look away at something when I am thinking deeply or trying to organize a complicated story. It staves off any environmental interruption in my thought process. I don't believe that eye contact confirms or refutes truth. It is a cultural norm. I have noticed, though, that some people rely on eye contact when trying to "sell" you on what they are saying. It's true that the eyes can suggest emotional feelings, but I listen carefully to the words and the intonation to get the message. Our minds are processing what is being said to us and I find I listen better without any interference. This may be a learned behavior from ADD, knowing that I am easily distracted if I don't follow the message word for word. I also believe that body gestures (not body language) are a worthwhile part of a person's message. Whenever I am looking at the speaker, I will focus on the center of the face, not the eyes exclusively, still being able to read facial expressions that usually match the message. Staring into someone'e eyes while they are speaking is almost intrusive - borderline rude. Some people who have mastered (or think they have mastered) the art of manipulation rely on eye contact for subtle signs that you approve or disapprove of what is being said. It's a small part of sales tactics - manipulating emotions and finding triggers that get the response they want. If you interact naturally with people, you will undoubtedly make the proper amount of eye contact, with or without some kind of poker-face. There is no standard in eye contact. Each person and each encounter has its own interpersonal dynamic.

 

[Skids]

I always fake eye contact and try to avoid it if possible. I intensely dislike those awkward situations when you randomly look up at a passer by and they catch your eye and then i feel compelled to look away instantly. It's just too weird to look someone in the eye IMO.

 

[Major Tom]

I do not. You can tell so much from looking into people's eyes. Especially when playing poker.

 

[Butterfly88]

Not anymore. Eye contact didn't come naturally to me, it was something I had to learn. But I've been doing it so long now that I no longer have to fake it and it almost is natural.

 

[Panthro]

I mastered the 5 second rule to the point that it is now automatic. I give eye contact for 5 seconds and then i look away for 5 seconds (rinse, wash, and repeat). That helps me not give too much or too little. I also don't stare directly at their eyes but in the area between the eyes.

 

[Suzanne]

With your understanding, then yes, I do fake a lot.

It is mainly when I have been looking and feeling ok and then, suddenly becomes overwhelming and have to force myself to look, because I know it is polite and quite frankly, I can see why it is polite.

Other times, I look at somewhere else on their face, if it is too scary to look in the eyes.

However, I do dispute the wording: fake. Signifies falsehood; lying etc and that cannot be applied to ones who genuinly feel overwhelmed.