Are many neurotypicals too needy or emotional to be in relationships with Aspies & Auties?

[Mia]

People come to Aspie Central regularly, looking for advice on how to navigate or save their relationships with people they suspect or know may be on the spectrum.

Quite often their difficulties are similar and their grievances about aspie/nt relationships have a familiar pattern to them. Some aspies find conflict and emotional connections nightmarish in the long term. In that they don't consider them as necessary as n/t's do.

They consider the problems of emotional neediness something they have little familiarity with. Once the 'honeymoon' period in a relationship is over and they have returned to ordinary life, they don't comprehend the overwhelming requirement's of n/t's to continue on with the professions of love and constant reaffirmation.

As far as some people on the spectrum are concerned they have proven their love, care, vows, promises, and they have no need to reiterate what is already obvious to them on a daily basis.

In relationships with neurotypicals what do you consider the breaking point at the end of your relationship with them? What is it that has caused you to leave or to end these sorts of interactions? Realize that this may and will be painful for some, yet perhaps there will be some healing and understanding eventually, as it takes two people to create a relationship and no one person is responsible for it's end.

 

[OkRad]

People come to Aspie Central regularly, looking for advice on how to navigate or save their relationships with people they suspect or know may be on the spectrum.

Quite often their difficulties are similar and their grievances about aspie/nt relationships have a familiar pattern to them. Some aspies find conflict and emotional connections nightmarish in the long term. In that they don't consider them as necessary as n/t's do.

They consider the problems of emotional neediness something they have little familiarity with. Once the 'honeymoon' period in a relationship is over and they have returned to ordinary life, they don't comprehend the overwhelming requirement's of n/t's to continue on with the professions of love and constant reaffirmation.

As far as people on the spectrum are concerned they have proven their love, care, vows, promises, and they have no need to reiterate what is already obvious to them on a daily basis.

In relationships with neurotypicals what do you consider the breaking point at the end of your relationship with them? What is it that has caused you to leave or to end these sorts of interactions? Realize that this may and will be painful for some, yet perhaps there will be some healing and understanding eventually, as it takes two people to create a relationship and no one person is responsible for it's end.

I am half auty but not NT. I am neurodiverse but totally not NT so I can respond. I love your post. They are needy and clingy but the number one answer: BOREDOM!!!!! I hear their conversatons. Yesterday I listened to some NTs who talk a literal 1/2 hour on wanting a new toilet uprised, and they repeated everything they said for sake of talking. Yammering on and on for what reason I do not know.

It is the boredom, the interest in such stupid and meaningless things and even then I can take it it the INTEREST is intense. I know auties who like leafs and are obsessed with leafs and when I talk to him, OMGOSH I KNOW LEAFS!

It is this shallow interest in too much and incessant talking and needing constant interaction and affirmation, 1000 friends on FB, phone always dinging, making "funny " comments all the time.

THEY ARE EXHAUSTING!

 

[Suzanne]

I think you are being too general here!

There are MANY NT men for example who think: once married, no need to tell her or demonstrate that I love her.

Many NT females, think: I have him now, so do not have to make an effort.

In fact, most NT females bemoan that their NT husband's lack affection to them.

What NT people cannot cope with is the fact that they have to explain things to us. That they have to prewarn us not to take something literal; that they have to put up with bizarre rituals and obsessions.

I believe I married a rare NT who LOVES showing affection and believes that he should constantly tell his wife that he loves her. He is very romantic and in fact, what is commonly referred to as: male and female traits, tends to do a swap in our relationship. I am the one who doesn't like all the cuddles and huge display of affection and cannot stand my ear being nibbled or my eye brow, which dear husband has a nasty habit of doing and actually shoo him away lol

Having spent my life believing I was an NT, I notice now that they are heavily into discussing mundane things and I find that so hard to deal with. I find I have to force myself to talk about "normal" things, because I am DYING to get into controversial conversations.

My husband simply hates deep conversations and so, it is very hard to communicate with him. But that is not his fault; any more than it is my fault that I thrive on deep conversations.

 

[Judge]

In relationships with neurotypicals what do you consider the breaking point at the end of your relationship with them? What is it that has caused you to leave or to end these sorts of interactions? Realize that this may and will be painful for some, yet perhaps there will be some healing and understanding eventually, as it takes two people to create a relationship and no one person is responsible for it's end.

Good question.

In my own experience, in most cases it was just an inability for them to allow me my own personal space ever so often. Though at the time, neither of us knew what truly motivated it, or just how critical it was for me to have that "alone time". So all that "togetherness" that might work for two NTs paired together would eventually become toxic to me, and I would react accordingly.

 

[Gary DuBois]

People come to Aspie Central regularly, looking for advice on how to navigate or save their relationships with people they suspect or know may be on the spectrum.

Quite often their difficulties are similar and their grievances about aspie/nt relationships have a familiar pattern to them. Some aspies find conflict and emotional connections nightmarish in the long term. In that they don't consider them as necessary as n/t's do.

They consider the problems of emotional neediness something they have little familiarity with. Once the 'honeymoon' period in a relationship is over and they have returned to ordinary life, they don't comprehend the overwhelming requirement's of n/t's to continue on with the professions of love and constant reaffirmation.

As far as some people on the spectrum are concerned they have proven their love, care, vows, promises, and they have no need to reiterate what is already obvious to them on a daily basis.

In relationships with neurotypicals what do you consider the breaking point at the end of your relationship with them? What is it that has caused you to leave or to end these sorts of interactions? Realize that this may and will be painful for some, yet perhaps there will be some healing and understanding eventually, as it takes two people to create a relationship and no one person is responsible for it's end.

The last 3 neurotypical girls i was with were needy and i ended up getting used badly and they took advantage of me and my dad sayed their succubuses.

 

[garnetflower13]

Well, I will mention a female friend that was a non romantic relationship. We were getting along fine at first, but then I started feel engulfed because she could not or would not understand my need for down time after having spent time with her. She would telephone me and talk for about an hour and then suggest coming over to my house. I would tell her I that I had already spent time with her and now had to regroup.

She was also needy and wanted to spend huge amounts of time talking about trivial boring stuff that I couldn't relate to. I finally had to end the friendship. It was mostly the excessive demands for my time, and the draining quality of that time that ruined it.

 

[Warmheart]

No. The conflicts arise when the NT has only done scant, brief, skimming research on the autistic perspective. If the NT partner just wants to quickly hurry up and have the person with ASD relate, communicate, and engage in a NT fashion, they are forgetting who they are dating.

My boyfriend deliberately builds in solitude breaks for me to decompress, because he knows I can hardly wait to be with him again once I've had my regular alone time.

My ridiculously blunt communication style "Whoooops, No Filter!" is respected as that I think conversations are just about the topic at hand.

Basically, nobody's feelings can get hurt if the NT expects the Autie/Aspie to communicate, engage, and relate like an Autie/Aspie.

Know?

 

[Bolletje]

I've dated one incredibly needy NT man, where the neediness and clinginess was definitely one of my main reasons for ending it. Other than that I haven't had problems with NT men regarding to emotional needs, but that's probably because I'm mostly attracted to men that are pretty independent and a little standoffish.

 

[Ocarina]

People come to Aspie Central regularly, looking for advice on how to navigate or save their relationships with people they suspect or know may be on the spectrum.

Quite often their difficulties are similar and their grievances about aspie/nt relationships have a familiar pattern to them. Some aspies find conflict and emotional connections nightmarish in the long term. In that they don't consider them as necessary as n/t's do.

They consider the problems of emotional neediness something they have little familiarity with. Once the 'honeymoon' period in a relationship is over and they have returned to ordinary life, they don't comprehend the overwhelming requirement's of n/t's to continue on with the professions of love and constant reaffirmation.

As far as some people on the spectrum are concerned they have proven their love, care, vows, promises, and they have no need to reiterate what is already obvious to them on a daily basis.

In relationships with neurotypicals what do you consider the breaking point at the end of your relationship with them? What is it that has caused you to leave or to end these sorts of interactions? Realize that this may and will be painful for some, yet perhaps there will be some healing and understanding eventually, as it takes two people to create a relationship and no one person is responsible for it's end.

Great question.

I'm AS and am in a relationship with an AS man - and have been married for 15 years to a NT.

The end point in most of my relationships has been, as someone else said, boredom. That and the expectation that I'll continue to take part in all the social events expected of me by my extravert spouse. It was a huge strain.

Perhaps even more of a strain and the ultimately damaging thing in every single relationship ever, is that I have pretended to be something in order to fit in. I am a great actress - and can fill pretty much any role required of me. Men say I'm their ideal woman - but that's because they can't see what's inside and I seem to struggle to really allow the real person to show. Eventually of course it all becomes completely exhausting and that's when I give up on the relationship.

In my current partnership I still play this role to some extent - I tolerate far more than I'm truly happy with simply to keep the peace - being conflict averse doesn't help. The breaking point often seems to come unexpectedly to my partners and me - suddenly I reach the point where I have given too much and it all overflows and I leave, often rather abruptly. I know I've hurt people previously because of this kind of emotional detachment and this is certainly not something I'm proud of.

I haven't come across much emotional needyness in men - perhaps those simply wouldn't be interested in someone who comes across as "cool" as I do. In my AS/AS relationship I do feel that there's a lack of care/ affection/ attention in much the same way as many NT partners suggest - my AS bf is so incredibly detached most of the time that it often feels we're not in a relationship at all. I feel emotionally unsafe and this keeps me half in and half out a lot of the time. He's never said he loves me - and despite being super independent and emotionally quite self sufficient, that hurts.

 

[twilightzone76]

People come to Aspie Central regularly, looking for advice on how to navigate or save their relationships with people they suspect or know may be on the spectrum.

Quite often their difficulties are similar and their grievances about aspie/nt relationships have a familiar pattern to them. Some aspies find conflict and emotional connections nightmarish in the long term. In that they don't consider them as necessary as n/t's do.

They consider the problems of emotional neediness something they have little familiarity with. Once the 'honeymoon' period in a relationship is over and they have returned to ordinary life, they don't comprehend the overwhelming requirement's of n/t's to continue on with the professions of love and constant reaffirmation.

As far as some people on the spectrum are concerned they have proven their love, care, vows, promises, and they have no need to reiterate what is already obvious to them on a daily basis.

In relationships with neurotypicals what do you consider the breaking point at the end of your relationship with them? What is it that has caused you to leave or to end these sorts of interactions? Realize that this may and will be painful for some, yet perhaps there will be some healing and understanding eventually, as it takes two people to create a relationship and no one person is responsible for it's end.

I think most of the dysfunction in these relationships stems from the differences in expectations of what love is and looks like. You start forming these expectations at a young age based on what you've been taught, observed and experienced. Naturally, it feels as though pieces of a puzzle are missing when many needs and wants go unmet. It's not a neediness, it's what NT's are used to and what their conditioned to. To us, relationships should feel fulfilling, supportive, cohesive, warm, balanced, safe, nurturing and like there is a true partnership.

Studies have shown for many years that children and even adults become emotionally stunted and often fail to thrive when deprived of these basic but very important feelings.

That's why it is not uncommon to hear about NT's having to seek counseling during or after these relationships because it can be traumatizing to not have these basic needs met for an extended period of time.

I honestly don't see how NT/Aspie relationships can really work in the long run without one or the other completely sacrificing themselves.

 

[gregmcph]

Perhaps it depends on your Aspie deepness.
My wife is probably the person that keeps me in contact with the wider world. I would sink into deep hermitness if left to my own devices.

She regularly reminds me that "hey, I'm here. Come be with me.". And that's healthy. Drags me out of staring at a computer all day. Keeps me from stewing in my own juices.

 

[Suzy]

People come to Aspie Central regularly, looking for advice on how to navigate or save their relationships with people they suspect or know may be on the spectrum.

Quite often their difficulties are similar and their grievances about aspie/nt relationships have a familiar pattern to them. Some aspies find conflict and emotional connections nightmarish in the long term. In that they don't consider them as necessary as n/t's do.

They consider the problems of emotional neediness something they have little familiarity with. Once the 'honeymoon' period in a relationship is over and they have returned to ordinary life, they don't comprehend the overwhelming requirement's of n/t's to continue on with the professions of love and constant reaffirmation.

As far as some people on the spectrum are concerned they have proven their love, care, vows, promises, and they have no need to reiterate what is already obvious to them on a daily basis.

In relationships with neurotypicals what do you consider the breaking point at the end of your relationship with them? What is it that has caused you to leave or to end these sorts of interactions? Realize that this may and will be painful for some, yet perhaps there will be some healing and understanding eventually, as it takes two people to create a relationship and no one person is responsible for it's end.

I am one of those overly emotional NTs. I also have a short temper. My Aspie bf though was very affectionate and said I love you all of the time even as we were breaking up. It's been a few days and we've not made contact. We both said enough. We were constantly pushing each others buttons and stressing each other out. I was overly emotional in many ways. I gotta work in that. It wasn't until he was with a friend that he felt strong enough to say its over. It actually may have gave me the strength in a way too, because I'd be really worried about him if he were not. But I should probably be concerned because the friend is a girl who is in love with him.

He has redeeming qualities and so love him for who he is...but...if all were good we'd still be together.
My question is this: how do you tell the difference between things that are because of the Aspergers and just plain old character defects?

For example he is selfish, narcissistic, manipulative, embarrassed me in public intentionally, left me stranded in the desert, and he tried to ruin two of my friendships purposefully.

Are these character defects or Aspergers symptoms?

For example, we were at a retreat and everyone was sharing how they felt about their partner. We were already having issues, but I knew exactly why and how I felt and I went on and on. When he was asked he said she will follow me wherever I go. That was it. It was devastatingly humiliating. That was the defining moment for me that it was over.

 

[starving_artist]

I am one of those overly emotional NTs. I also have a short temper. My Aspie bf though was very affectionate and said I love you all of the time even as we were breaking up. It's been a few days and we've not made contact. We both said enough. We were constantly pushing each others buttons and stressing each other out. I was overly emotional in many ways. I gotta work in that. It wasn't until he was with a friend that he felt strong enough to say its over. It actually may have gave me the strength in a way too, because I'd be really worried about him if he were not. But I should probably be concerned because the friend is a girl who is in love with him.

He has redeeming qualities and so love him for who he is...but...if all were good we'd still be together.
My question is this: how do you tell the difference between things that are because of the Aspergers and just plain old character defects?

For example he is selfish, narcissistic, manipulative, embarrassed me in public intentionally, left me stranded in the desert, and he tried to ruin two of my friendships purposefully.

Are these character defects or Aspergers symptoms?

For example, we were at a retreat and everyone was sharing how they felt about their partner. We were already having issues, but I knew exactly why and how I felt and I went on and on. When he was asked he said she will follow me wherever I go. That was it. It was devastatingly humiliating. That was the defining moment for me that it was over.

If he is manipulative he's probably misdiagnosed as autistic--autistic people tend to not be manipulative because we generally lack the social ability and understanding to make successful manipulation possible. Some try, but it's usually childish and ham-handed attempts that are clearly transparent and therefore not very effective. If he is manipulative as a habit (as in, he manipulates a good deal and is good at it), then he probably has a personality disorder (NPD or ASPD) and not autism.

 

[Suzy]

Thank you. I think he has a strong Aspergers diagnosis, but the two other disorders you mentioned make a lot of sense.

 

[Suzy]

Thank you. I think he has a strong Aspergers diagnosis, but the two other disorders you mentioned make a lot of sense.

Especially NPD

 

[Warmheart]

 

[starving_artist]

Thank you. I think he has a strong Aspergers diagnosis, but the two other disorders you mentioned make a lot of sense.

If you truly suspect he has narcissistic personality disorder, if I were you I would not bother with him. They are notoriously difficult to treat, and most never seek treatment at all because they don't think anything is wrong with themselves, they think everything that goes wrong in their life is everyone else's fault. Honestly, you are better off without someone like that in your life. I would also advise trying to avoid people with cluster B personality disorders altogether. They are dangerous.

 

[Mary Terry]

I absolutely agree with you, Starving_Artist. Narcissists and people with cluster B disorders are toxic, incurable, and far more exhausting to deal with than someone who is just autistic. However, autistics also can have those same personality disorders. Being on the spectrum does not preclude having any of those mental illnesses. My advice about NPDs, histrionic personalities and the host of other cluster B types is to RUN! Run now, just get away from them, and don't give in when they try to suck you back into a relationship because they are shallow, lacking in real emotions and addicted to attention and adoration from others.

 

[starving_artist]

I think it is possible to have both a cluster B personality disorder and autism, but rather rare for co-morbid autistics to have the manipulative features of those personality disorders because we tend to lack the social cognition to be able to manipulate effectively. As I said some may try, but not be able to do it very successfully without the awareness to strategise and perform socially the way you need to be able to effectively manipulate people.

 

[MrSpock]

When I have ended it it's usually been boredom or a lack of respect due to an absence of philosophy.

I'm currently off in an off and on maybe someday romance that has lasted about 15 months now, she has ADD and I suspect may be psychotic. Much more socially skilled than I, manipulative for sure. Very interesting, and a valuable muse for my self-reflection, and I've never been so attracted to someone so instantly. I'm definitely not bored and cannot say what her philosophy might be, it's difficult to get her to talk about meaningful things most of the time, but we have had some good conversation for sure. If it's over now it will be because she has ended it, I've been trying lately to convince her that she cannot reliably read my body language and facial expressions, nor can she count on me responding to hints. Her refusal to change this has made her angry at what she imagines is going on in my head several times lately, and when I see this coming I have withdrawn. If I had to guess I'd say that she's currently angry with me for leaving her house about fifteen minutes after arriving the other day. I'd said little, she asked what was wrong (not if something were wrong) and insisted that I wanted to say something. When she's insistent on assigning me thoughts and feelings I don't have based on faulty reading of my body language etc. the last thing I want to do is talk about anything of importance, and I have little skill or interest in small talk. She pushed, making herself upset quite independently of me, however I was the object of her anger. So I left to avoid her getting even more upset at me. Apparently this can upset people too, it's considered rude. When it happens to me (and it does) I've always thought that one party leaving was better than the conversation continuing and someone being very upset by it, at the point where the leaving is less upsetting than the conversation it makes sense that someone should leave if the conversation cannot be changed.