1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Featured Any one else hate it when someone says "don't worry you'll make new friends"

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Jena, Jul 15, 2020.

  1. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    85
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2018
    Karma:
    +168
    I have Aspergers and so obviously making friends is very hard and change is difficult. When there is a big change such as a move to a different state or school or whatever this phrase is said. It's like frustrating cause other people think you can make friends just as easily as others and that they don't understand it took literally all through grade school, middle school and high school to get friends that actually would hang out with me. Hope this makes sense and Was wondering any other aspies out there relate to this?
     
    • Agree Agree x 11
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
  2. HeroOfHyrule

    HeroOfHyrule Chicken Chaser

    Messages:
    479
    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2020
    Karma:
    +350
    Yes. This is one of the things that genuinely frustrates me about other people since they always act like it takes three seconds to find someone who will be your friend, which is not really applicable to aspies! If you don't manage to make a friend as quick as other people can those same people may start to act like you're the entire problem, which is not helpful in the slightest nor changes the fact a lot of people just don't seem to handle being around autistic people.

    In my experience it took until the third grade for me to find my first two friends and then until the eighth grade to find two other friends, who all don't talk to me anymore. I currently have two online friends, but I have no idea how I even started talking to them. I've been trying to meet more people online for about a year now and have not been able to.

    Guess what I'm told when I mention this even to my current friends? "Well, you can do it! You'll find people eventually, you just have to try and put yourself out there!" :unamused:
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 3
    • Agree Agree x 2
  3. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    85
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2018
    Karma:
    +168
    EXACTLY It’s so true ppl typically don’t seem to handle being around ppl with Asperger’s.I guess Mabye it’s my intense passion for animals (modern zoos and their efforts to conservation, taxonomy of animals, protecting wildlife, things like that) makes ppl turned off I guess. When I tell my family it’s hard to make friends they act like I being negative and not trying when I do try. Constantly.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  4. Pieplup

    Pieplup The Penguin

    Messages:
    104
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2016
    Karma:
    +225
    No one's really said that to me cause I haven't made a friend in over a decade.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  5. HeroOfHyrule

    HeroOfHyrule Chicken Chaser

    Messages:
    479
    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2020
    Karma:
    +350
    This logic people have is definitely baffling. You can outright say "Hey, I've been trying to make friends and haven't been able to," and the only response people have is "Well, have you been trying? You haven't been trying hard enough."

    I definitely never thought about doing that before, I thought friends would just manifest out of thin air.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  6. savi83

    savi83 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    170
    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2015
    Karma:
    +155
    I don't know where I would fit in with this. I'm more of a loner. I have many acquaintances, people who are low maintenance; no strong attachment.

    In the past I've wondered what it would be like to have a group of close friends but it seems like too much effort for what I would get out of it.

    I have thought about marrying my girlfriend but think I'd struggle getting a best man and don't like the idea of having a stag do. Ironically, I've been someone's best man, I was surprised as didn't consider them as close to me.

    S
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  7. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    85
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2018
    Karma:
    +168
    EXACTLY. Like I do try, in fact I tried countless times. But at the end of the day it has the same outcome. No friend. I stay positive trying to make friends and I make sure I don't say anything mean or hurtful. I try to relate to what ever they talk about like I was taught. But none of the methods I been taught by my group therapy works. None. It always seems like it is going on the right track then out of no where they stop talking to me.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

    Messages:
    4,547
    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +8,371
    You can just go to court house and do a simple ceremony without the other stuff. My ex didn't go to stag party and his brother was his best man.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  9. Pieplup

    Pieplup The Penguin

    Messages:
    104
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2016
    Karma:
    +225
    Alot of times my family complain I don't spend enough time with them, but I feel like I've already spent more than enough time with them.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  10. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    4,531
    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2018
    Karma:
    +9,620
    So true. I've met less than five people I've wanted to be friends with, ever.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. Els

    Els Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    275
    Joined:
    May 2, 2020
    Karma:
    +639
    Yes, but I think now that it's not bad that I don't have friends to see on a regular basis. Can't be hurt, lied to and manipulated, less efforts to make, less obligations and mandatory things to do, my life is less draining than it used to when I tried hard to socialize. It's not really about making friends for me, I know now how to behave so that it works with some people (instead of nobody lol). The issue is maintaining the friendship. I learned that it's not because "now I have a friend" that it stops there, you actually have to maintain that all the time for the relationship to last. That's impossible for me without being exhausted.
    So I don't think it's that bad that I have difficulties making friends in the end. It keeps bad people out, and it helps me not having to push myself too hard and ending in burn out. Not being able to relate to others conventionally has its surprising advantages.

    The worst thing is that the more you tell people out and "leave me alone", the more they come and try. You tell "okay" and start relating to them, they don't want you anymore. That's absurd and that's how superficial relationships are. People just turn their heads in the direction in which they see something they desire, then they throw it when they served themselves well. People even throw plants in the garbage. A lot of people have no consideration whatsoever no matter how they act on the surface.
    That being said, I also have deeper relationships with people. But too many people function as I wrote above and making new friends means that you're taking your chances. That's why I think my difficulties to make new friends and maintain a relationship isn't just a disadvantage.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2020
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  12. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    6,320
    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2014
    Karma:
    +13,769
    Yes, it's frustrating.
    Person: "Don't worry, you'll make friends."
    Me: "How?"
    Person: "Just talk to people. It's easy."
    Thanks, great help (sarcasm)
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2020
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  13. Giraffes

    Giraffes Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    617
    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2020
    Karma:
    +1,017
    The 'upkeep' is friendships is draining and confused for me, so much need/expectation to 'be there' for another person, show reciprocation and active listening :( that said i currently have a few people that i consider friends, and as they matter to me i try to understand their point of view as prehaps in the past i have became obsessed and dependant on 'friends' and my black and white thinking about MY expectations in regards to who they are, and hypersensitivity has supported the loss of 'friends' throughout my life.My 'honesty' and 'vunerability' has lead to being exploited both emotionally and financially, at times i choose to be alone and explore my own interests as i now know that being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  14. Jade Baggins-Clark

    Jade Baggins-Clark New Member

    Messages:
    14
    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2020
    Karma:
    +34
    Yep I agree with all of this. I find it excruciating to "make friends" I never do actually, it's just that they (Rare people) decide to be my friends and hang around long enough and put up with my shitty, loner AT friendship until I've realised they actually like me! I dont do girls dates, or group friends or *****, shop clothes (I'd rather pull out every nail in my fingers). Sometimes I feel like the "special" kid that people enjoy for a window of time because I'm so driven and passionate about stuff but most NT's can't handle that for long.... I just don't know what they actually talk about or do though with all of their socialising, to me trying to socialise like "a normal person" is like a human pretending to be an octopus squeezing through a dollar sized drainage pipe... not easy!
    That said... I have a few lovely, very good friends for over 20 years now. None of them know each other, we live in different places, they love me for my deep thinking and passion and if they don't match me exactly, then they can go there in complete comfort and they are themselves highly independent thinkers. I adore them, they make me feel loved and understood. We do things like go camping and read together, have amazing discussions, go to Flamenco performances etc occasionally I go out in a larger social setting with them and they really look after me. I adore them, they and my extended "In-Law" family have kept me alive through some very sad and heartbreaking experiences. They make me feel human instead of my normal alien self.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  15. menander

    menander Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    556
    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2020
    Karma:
    +1,122
    Like @Pieplup no one really says that to me because I don't make a lot of friends. And when I do, it's all stress and short lived. But I DO hate all the variations on the theme, the "Oh, it's not so bad" or "It's just a tag" of "You're being too sensitive" etc. Transposing their experience into my mind as if it's anywhere near SAME.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  16. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,444
    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2018
    Karma:
    +4,411
    I think the phrase does represent NT experience though, so it seems true to the majority. One of the hard things for us is that our experience based on our different neurology somewhat conflicts with typical experience, so we often feel discounted, confused or baffled.

    I worked hard on social skills for many years in therapy, and it was only when I understood about autism that I realised why despite the hard work things didn’t work out the same for me. I have had and do have friends, but usually only one or two at a time, and if I move away I can't keep them, or easily make new ones.

    In a way it was a relief when I finally worked out that what happens for neurotypical people in communication doesn’t happen the same for me, because it was an answer to the mystery, and enabled me to get some closure on the issue and move on.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Raggamuffin

    Raggamuffin Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    661
    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2020
    Karma:
    +1,373
    Practice can help with regards to socialising. Of course, we're all different - so it might not work for everyone. I found it started getting a little easier to socialise as I got older. I felt slightly more comfortable in my skin. These improvements were mainly around specific people.

    I'm drawn towards people who are different from the norm. Creative types, or weird and wonderful people. Over the years I find I can be more open and chatty around these sorts of people and have formed numerous close bonds. Around normal/typical people and their small talk topics and interests - I tend to be silent.

    One issue I had was very close friends moving away. It happened 3 times in my 11 years at the same school. Spending so long at the same place meant I saw a lot of people come and go. But losing 3 close friends hit home hard.

    Unfortunately they all went abroad, and this has happened again twice since. Whilst you can maintain conversations with people online - it's difficult seeing people I've got close to leave.

    Much like school, I spent just shy of 10 years in the same job. Again, I saw a lot of people come and go. I guess, it gets a little easier with each new loss. However, whilst I find socialising easier - I feel a lot more reclusive these days and dedicate very little time outside of work or online conversations to socialising.

    Strange really - nowadays, other than my partner, the people I'm closest to live further away from me. Online friends feel just as valid to be honest. Of course, maintaining that sort of friendship presents it's own difficulties. Over the years you can drift apart.

    Ed
     
  18. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    24,893
    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2013
    Karma:
    +32,314
    Indeed. For most of us, our reality is that finding friends- and lovers will prove to be arduous throughout our adult lives. Made worse by a migratory society often dictated by employment.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  19. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,033
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2019
    Karma:
    +2,048
    Oh my goodness yes. It's been a while since I was in school, but my parents moved us around a few times and never seemed to understand how hard it was for me to fit in and make friends. "Don't worry, you'll make new friends" - to say that to an autistic kid is worse than a slap in the face. When you're in school, having friends is as much about survival as it is about companionship. Kids who don't have friends are easy prey for bullies. Loneliness was always the least of my worries when I had to start at a new school--I feared being singled out and seen as weird or a "loner." It's horrible to just brush off an autistic kid's concerns and anxieties.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
  20. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

    Messages:
    507
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2019
    Karma:
    +632
    I have trouble making friends. All through grade school and high school I struggled and in college I use to be so shy I use to avoid people and literally run away from girls.

    It was not until I came back to the Church making Christian friends is easier especially communicating with them via messaging and video chats.