Abandoned by AS boyfriend, is this common??

[Hanna fowler]

Dear Hanna, I don't want to come off as insensitive. I say that, because I have been accused of that, even though I am just trying to help. I personally do not think that you can truly grow to love someone within 3 weeks - "in love", of course, is different - that can happen on sight. You may indeed have been his "everything" at the time in the sense that he really wanted a girlfriend and you fit that bill at that time - but then as time went on he actually got to glimpse more of who you really are - your needs, your traits, etc. At that point, I'm assuming you - I mean specifically you - were no longer his "everything". Yes, perhaps he really, really wants a girlfriend - but he must have realized this relationship was not what he had predicted/expected. I think it was unrealistic of him to make such a claim, "you are my everything" before he got to know you! If he truly loved you - real love - he wouldn't have just criticized your needs and abandoned you. But that's no fault of your own - there just wasn't even enough time for him to develop true love - and frankly, he decided he wasn't going to stick around because it wasn't a good match. I think your needs are valid, of course - and it doesn't sound like he knew how to meet them. He may not even have the self-awareness yet to realize that. I am sorry that you feel so broken - abandonment can be so very traumatic! I know from experience. My advice to you is that you've got to just move on. The trauma and confusion from the abandonment is hard to deal with and can often set you up for this emotional vortex where you still long for this person, or may put up with them blowing hot and cold.....but it's a very toxic path, imho, based on years of experience of that. As you are left wondering what happened, my guess is possibly he was just overwhelmed, didn't know how to adjust/respond, didn't have the energy or will to deal with the situation, so he just cuts it off and ignores it. What he is doing right now states loudly and clearly the limits of his capacity to navigate difficulties in a relationship. He may also be quite embarassed about the failure of the relationship after he was so enthused - perhaps he will learn to be less idealistic/unrealistic next time. If he had put this relationship, and you, on a pedestal, then I hope he learns to not do that again - that doesn't do anyone any favors. I hope you will learn to move on sooner rather than later and meet someone who truly loves you!

I do not think you were being insensitive but just honest and I appreciate that. I will admit its hard to hear but it makes a lot of sense. He was very full on after about 3 weeks saying he was in love with me and then about a month into it saying he was gonna marry me one day. I agree this was impulsive and sad to admit probably wasn't 'real' He said he believes in love at first sight and that he just knew. Ha clearly he didn't, and maybe the novelty of having a girlfriend wore off after real issues started to arise. They weren't 'bad' issues but it was me telling him how I was having a hard time with him showing zero affection and never expressing how he felt. But yes its obvious to me now that he did not truly love me because this is not how you treat someone you love. I am trying to move on from this and this site and all of your posts have been so helpful. I needed to understand things more especially since he completely cut me off and gave me no closure. From all of this I do know now he was not right for me and we would not have lasted. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[OlLiE]

So effectively you called him inadequate and you called him an opportunistic user. Now you are surprised that he cut ties and you are blaming him for the pain he caused you? I don't mean to be rude but how would you react to your partner telling you that you were an inadequate opportunistic user? You seem to be portraying yourself as the victim without showing any understanding for the pain you caused him with your words, words that many AS would take very literally.

I apologise in advance for my directness, but this is a topic i as an AS man have experienced previously on a number of occasions so it does resonate with me quite a bit.

Love works two ways, if you are dating an AS that is ultimately your choice, it implies that you are willing to accept those shortcomings related to being on the spectrum. On the other hand though, he was also dating you, an NT, also a clear choice, and as such he should have been willing to make the necessary efforts to fulfil your needs. It's entirely your right to say that emotional affection the way you require it is a prerequisite for a relationship, but asking it of someone who can't provide it the way you require seems an exercise in futility.

I am engaged to an NT and I am committed and loyal to her, supportive of her, i really appreciate her kindness, warmness, caring and understanding towards me and i do my best to make sure that she gets the necessary reassurance that i do love her even though its very clear that it means different things to each of us. That however does NOT mean that her experience of love is any more meaningful than mine. It has involved an enormous amount of talking to each other with a view to appreciating each others strengths while accepting each others needs and shortcomings, but we have found a balance.

Speaking from my own experience, i never do things half assed, he probably did everything in his power to be what he thought he needed to be for you within the limits of his abilities, that in and of itself was likely his way of expressing of affection (he probably wouldn't have made the effort for anyone else), when you pointed out the one thing that he would likely never be good at no matter how hard he tried, he probably had flashbacks of past similar experiences, a profound awareness of inescapable inadequacy and inevitable future rejections combined with a deep seeded fear that no one would ever appreciate his strengths adequately to be able to accept his limitations. When I no longer thought that there was a workable solution to fundamental relationship problems, when things were asked of me that i could not provide, then i had to defend myself from further avoidable pain, i have always cut ties and walked away, just like he did. If it's done, it's done.

 

[Hanna fowler]

So effectively you called him inadequate and you called him an opportunistic user. Now you are surprised that he cut ties and you are blaming him for the pain he caused you? I don't mean to be rude but how would you react to your partner telling you that you were an inadequate opportunistic user? You seem to be portraying yourself as the victim without showing any understanding for the pain you caused him with your words, words that many AS would take very literally.

I apologise in advance for my directness, but this is a topic i as an AS man have experienced previously on a number of occasions so it does resonate with me quite a bit.

Love works two ways, if you are dating an AS that is ultimately your choice, it implies that you are willing to accept those shortcomings related to being on the spectrum. On the other hand though, he was also dating you, an NT, also a clear choice, and as such he should have been willing to make the necessary efforts to fulfil your needs. It's entirely your right to say that emotional affection the way you require it is a prerequisite for a relationship, but asking it of someone who can't provide it the way you require seems an exercise in futility.

I am engaged to an NT and I am committed and loyal to her, supportive of her, i really appreciate her kindness, warmness, caring and understanding towards me and i do my best to make sure that she gets the necessary reassurance that i do love her even though its very clear that it means different things to each of us. That however does NOT mean that her experience of love is any more meaningful than mine. It has involved an enormous amount of talking to each other with a view to appreciating each others strengths while accepting each others needs and shortcomings, but we have found a balance.

Speaking from my own experience, i never do things half assed, he probably did everything in his power to be what he thought he needed to be for you within the limits of his abilities, that in and of itself was likely his way of expressing of affection (he probably wouldn't have made the effort for anyone else), when you pointed out the one thing that he would likely never be good at no matter how hard he tried, he probably had flashbacks of past similar experiences, a profound awareness of inescapable inadequacy and inevitable future rejections combined with a deep seeded fear that no one would ever appreciate his strengths adequately to be able to accept his limitations. When I no longer thought that there was a workable solution to fundamental relationship problems, when things were asked of me that i could not provide, then i had to defend myself from further avoidable pain, i have always cut ties and walked away, just like he did. If it's done, it's done.

I should make something clear here which to my fault I did not in my original post because I was very upset at the time but I did not know he was on the spectrum until right after this all happened. So I came on here to try and gain knowledge and understand better. At the time I did point out to him that the lack of affection was having me a struggle, because it wasn't just a lack, it was zero nothing, just one time in 4 months. I was not mean to him about it, I was trying to communicate to him that it was affecting me and I thought maybe if he knew what I needed he would possibly be able to try to be affectionate a few times with me. To me relationships have always been about communication and give and take. I praised him always for how thoughtful and generous he was and his other great qualities.

However I did not realize at the time me opening up to him about the affection would cause him great pain. I never meant to make him feel inadequate but I can see now in hindsight how that can be. And you say between you and your fiance that it involved an enormous amount of talking to each other to accept each others needs and to find a balance. Well that's exactly what I was attempting to do but he shut down and fled. I am also not trying to play victim here, I care deeply about him and yes I was hurt, but I was really trying to understand better. Thank you for your response, I do appreciate it.

 

[OlLiE]

I should make something clear here which to my fault I did not in my original post because I was very upset at the time but I did not know he was on the spectrum until right after this all happened. So I came on here to try and gain knowledge and understand better. At the time I did point out to him that the lack of affection was having me a struggle, because it wasn't just a lack, it was zero nothing, just one time in 4 months. I was not mean to him about it, I was trying to communicate to him that it was affecting me and I thought maybe if he knew what I needed he would possibly be able to try to be affectionate a few times with me. To me relationships have always been about communication and give and take. I praised him always for how thoughtful and generous he was and his other great qualities.

However I did not realize at the time me opening up to him about the affection would cause him great pain. I never meant to make him feel inadequate but I can see now in hindsight how that can be. And you say between you and your fiance that it involved an enormous amount of talking to each other to accept each others needs and to find a balance. Well that's exactly what I was attempting to do but he shut down and fled. I am also not trying to play victim here, I care deeply about him and yes I was hurt, but I was really trying to understand better. Thank you for your response, I do appreciate it.

No worries, i was worried that i may have come over offensively. I've had conversations about quite personal things with my fiance, where i've had to say 'i'm sorry, i just can't do that', I realise that that's not fair on her because essentially i have made a number of things in our relationship 'take it or leave it' propositions. But those things that she really needs, i do really try. Occasionally i do feel inadequate because i know what she has given up to be with me. I have always been very aware of my shortcomings. I understand that your boyfriend was very full on, i imagine he was immeasurably happy that he had found someone that could appreciate him for who he was, and he must have focused on you like a laser. I've done the same thing and scared quite a few women off as a result of my intensity.

At the end of the day your choice is quite simple, either you can accept him as he is and learn to see his love and affection in his words and deeds (if not in his emotions), let him know this and hope he contacts you or accept that you need more for your happiness, which is entirely your right with no reason to feel guilty.

At the end of the day we each want to find our own version of happiness. The first thing i told my girlfriend was to not expect me to be like other guys and secondly that i couldn't care less about what society says a loving relationship should be like and that i would understand if that wasn't her cup of tea. It hasn't been easy, we've been together for six years and her friends think i don't exist because i'm not interested in meeting them and find socialising too tiring.

 

[Hanna fowler]

No worries, i was worried that i may have come over offensively. I've had conversations about quite personal things with my fiance, where i've had to say 'i'm sorry, i just can't do that', I realise that that's not fair on her because essentially i have made a number of things in our relationship 'take it or leave it' propositions. But those things that she really needs, i do really try. Occasionally i do feel inadequate because i know what she has given up to be with me. I have always been very aware of my shortcomings. I understand that your boyfriend was very full on, i imagine he was immeasurably happy that he had found someone that could appreciate him for who he was, and he must have focused on you like a laser. I've done the same thing and scared quite a few women off as a result of my intensity.

At the end of the day your choice is quite simple, either you can accept him as he is and learn to see his love and affection in his words and deeds (if not in his emotions), let him know this and hope he contacts you or accept that you need more for your happiness, which is entirely your right with no reason to feel guilty.

At the end of the day we each want to find our own version of happiness. The first thing i told my girlfriend was to not expect me to be like other guys and secondly that i couldn't care less about what society says a loving relationship should be like and that i would understand if that wasn't her cup of tea. It hasn't been easy, we've been together for six years and her friends think i don't exist because i'm not interested in meeting them and find socialising too tiring.

Well it sounds to me like you guys have a great loving relationship, and its nice to hear that even when things can get complicated at least you try : )
If this was a week ago and we were able to have a conversation about all of this, I would accept him, I loved him dearly. It has been a week now and he still has not responded to me and deleted me off his instagram (although he didnt on snap chat and watches my stories immediately) so Im assuming I will never hear from him again and it is clearly over. It seems like he is either deeply hurt and wants to just forget me or like someone else posted that he just put up a wall and does not care anymore, or maybe he just fell out of love with me because it was so full on in the beginning. Its sad cause I would really love to have an actual answer but I dont think I ever will and I just have to get over it : /

 

[Ambi]

No worries, i was worried that i may have come over offensively. I've had conversations about quite personal things with my fiance, where i've had to say 'i'm sorry, i just can't do that', I realise that that's not fair on her because essentially i have made a number of things in our relationship 'take it or leave it' propositions. But those things that she really needs, i do really try. Occasionally i do feel inadequate because i know what she has given up to be with me. I have always been very aware of my shortcomings. I understand that your boyfriend was very full on, i imagine he was immeasurably happy that he had found someone that could appreciate him for who he was, and he must have focused on you like a laser. I've done the same thing and scared quite a few women off as a result of my intensity.

At the end of the day your choice is quite simple, either you can accept him as he is and learn to see his love and affection in his words and deeds (if not in his emotions), let him know this and hope he contacts you or accept that you need more for your happiness, which is entirely your right with no reason to feel guilty.

At the end of the day we each want to find our own version of happiness. The first thing i told my girlfriend was to not expect me to be like other guys and secondly that i couldn't care less about what society says a loving relationship should be like and that i would understand if that wasn't her cup of tea. It hasn't been easy, we've been together for six years and her friends think i don't exist because i'm not interested in meeting them and find socialising too tiring.

Ollie, not to butt in, but I think what's nice and helpful is that you do converse with your fiancee about that and discuss your limits, rather than accusing her of having too many needs. It's the difference between discussing an issue and trying to address it, or at least clear up confusion, rather than just shutting down the whole conversation with accusations or abandonment, even if it feels embarrassing or painful when someone brings up things that are difficult for us. That to me is the difference between a guy who is really in a relationship for real vs. one who is not that invested.

 

[Funkymunchkin]

Reading this thread has been enormously helpful despite making me so sad too. I have had such a similar experience to this. It's now been 3 months since he ended it totally out the blue after he seemingly woke up one day with intimacy issues which sent him into depression and not feeling good enough. Like you, I only found out he is likely on the spectrum after, as a result of the meltdown he had when he ended it, the things he said and some stuff his family have since told me. To me, he was never broken. I just wish he could see that he isn't, if we could have found a way to communicate but I feel like he never get it that chance, he ran a mile and cut me out until I got a text yesterday. Some of the responses on this thread have helped me better understand why that is. Doesn't stop me missing my best friend and grieving but it does help to understand.

 

[Dorkasour]

I think I am NT (No idea). I've done this to someone. Mostly because during out relationship what I said and did was honest and I meant it but I had so many conflicts with myself that I eventually broke it off in the same manner. He called me and was devastated but I was so overstimulated I cut him off. It is something that was surprisingly easy for me to do.

He was really physical and in constant need of attention. I like being alone and don't like physical contact. If anything I'd prefer people to contact me once a week v.s seeing them everyday.

Not to make this about me or anything. I don't think he simply "threw you away." it sounds like he was scared, felt rejected and possibly was in desperate need of space. I know of someone who was in the exact same situation as you and somehow they are still friends after she saw his limitations.

Edit: Oh this post 2 years old!

 

[Savvy]

I know these posts are from last year but just came upon them & can’t believe how similar my experience has been to Hannah Fowler’s. My aspie bf of over 2 years just broke up with me. If Hannah reads this did you ever hear from your ex again? Like you I cannot believe how cold & callous my bf was when he broke up with me. He only told me ‘cos I drove over to his house after being ignored for 3 weeks. We had a holiday booked & he suggested I had invited myself! I am beyond heartbroken but these posts are very helpful as I realise how hard it is for aspies to express their feelings verbally.

 

[Amanda241]

When I no longer thought that there was a workable solution to fundamental relationship problems, when things were asked of me that i could not provide, then i had to defend myself from further avoidable pain, i have always cut ties and walked away, just like he did. If it's done, it's done.

This is an old thread now, so apologies for resurrecting it on my first visit.

The quote above really resonated with me. My now ex-partner of 20 mths - he's undiagnosed. The suspicion of being on the ASD scale only came to us recently, in the last few weeks. I had no idea when I started dating him that he had ASD and like you OlLie, he tried, in his own way, to show me he loved me (referencing your above quote). I just didn't know or understand and I felt emotionally bereft at not getting the emotional 'feedback' I needed. Also like you, when I told him what I needed, he just couldn't give it to me, so he left. It was the right thing to do, but it doesn't stop it from feeling excruciating. I have learned a lot from this forum already. I wish that we'd never met because without this, he was absolutely perfect.

 

[Tom]

Yes, if the scores (possibly hundreds) of posts I read are any indication. They can be quite abrupt. But I wonder, are NTs really any different? And having done it myself on rare occasion early on, is it not better (once you know you are not interested in continuing) to make the break fast and completely, then drawing it out, possibly encouraging false hopes, to ultimately the same conclusion? Delay in brake ups felt to me like stringing them along.

 

[Amanda241]

I don't know Tom, I'm classed as NT but I think I might be Aspie with regard to how I do things and see things. I'll just have to wait for the diagnosis. As for my ex, it was pretty fast I suppose. Within 48 hours we'd gone from love and want to work at this, to meltdowns each and my trying to talk with him and not understanding that perhaps he'd been keeping this in for ages now and just didn't know how to communicate it to me...

There were many things about him that I loved. I've always tried to sit down with previous partners and talk things out. Sadly, talking (now I know, obviously), wasn't going to work and it wasn't enough for me to receive gifts - I wanted spontaneous hugs and kisses and the other types of affection, which he couldn't bring himself to give and I couldn't understand why. I took it as rejection. Oddly, it didn't come out so much when we were dating; it only came to the fore when we moved in together. Had I have known what the issues were, then I would have been more understanding, I think. He told me that I'm a loving and compassionate person, so I would have tried, at least.

 

[Tom]

I don't know Tom, I'm classed as NT but I think I might be Aspie with regard to how I do things and see things. I'll just have to wait for the diagnosis. As for my ex, it was pretty fast I suppose. Within 48 hours we'd gone from love and want to work at this, to meltdowns each and my trying to talk with him and not understanding that perhaps he'd been keeping this in for ages now and just didn't know how to communicate it to me...

There were many things about him that I loved. I've always tried to sit down with previous partners and talk things out. Sadly, talking (now I know, obviously), wasn't going to work and it wasn't enough for me to receive gifts - I wanted spontaneous hugs and kisses and the other types of affection, which he couldn't bring himself to give and I couldn't understand why. I took it as rejection. Oddly, it didn't come out so much when we were dating; it only came to the fore when we moved in together. Had I have known what the issues were, then I would have been more understanding, I think. He told me that I'm a loving and compassionate person, so I would have tried, at least.

That is a very common sticking point - the differing emotional needs and also aversion, on the part of many Aspies to certain physical expressions (ie hugs are difficult). I feel fortunate to have been raised in an Italian/Irish family that would have none of that and grew up with hugs & kisses from everyone, everytime. Which brings up the point Aspies can learn or improve in certain areas. But they have to recognize the problem and they have to want to change it. It can't be done from the outside alone.

 

[Amanda241]

True. It is what it is and I accept that I can't change the situation (which in previous relationships was sometimes possible by talking things out).

 

[paloftoon]

Keep your doors open, but spend more time with friends and looking for someone else. He's clearly indicated he's no longer interested in you.

I'm not sure if the context would offer itself enough to write him a letter or maybe e-mail again, but if so, I'd wait like 6 months. Whatever you write him if you do, keep it positive only and wish him well and tell him you are interested in him at this point in time. At this point, this is about what you have to do to move on from this situation.

 

[Eli24]

So many of your stories resonate with me deeply.
I started seeing an Aspie man 8 months ago, we knew each other for a year previously from work and he asked me out for a date. I was not ready for a relationship the first time he asked and explained that would like to be friends. We went out walking together which we both enjoyed and after a few months he asked me again and l accepted. I felt ready to start dating again by this time. We went out and had an amazing night, this turned quickly into a very loving physical relationship. He told me he loved me very soon in and it wasn't long before l felt the same. He was so attentive, passionate, loving and caring, thoughtful that l thought l had found my life partner. He was 45, 2 previous marriages, l was 40, 1 previous marriage. All of a sudden after 7 months of bliss l feel like he has suddenly pulled away . We see each other 2 or 3 times in the week and most weekends and text loads but the messages are just now what he's up to, not l love you etc how it was before. He lost he's dad a few months before we got together and it's coming up to a year, he says he's dealing with this. He has nightmare, feels stressed and of course must be grieving. I understand what he's going through because l lost my dad a 3 years ago. I'm trying to give him all the space he needs to get through this but want to be there for him too but the affection he once had for me seems to have gone. I feel lost but know it's not about me and just wish the best for him to get through this. It's just so hard to have someone in your life that is so loving, cuddles on tap, telling you how much they love you, discussing moving in together, planning the future to nothing. I tell him how much l love him, txt him caring thoughts but l don't get anything back affectionate. It's killing me inside and am lost to know what to do. I am just giving him space that it seems like he needs and letting him know that l am there for him. I don't know what the future holds for us and l wish with all my heart we can get what we had back at some point. I didn't realise he had asbergers until maybe 3 months in when he told me so l researched and am trying to understand the best l can. I know everyone deals with greif differently and there is no time limit on it, l just hope that he can see how much l care for him and doesn't get so lost he won't see us again.

 

[Savvy]

So many of your stories resonate with me deeply.
I started seeing an Aspie man 8 months ago, we knew each other for a year previously from work and he asked me out for a date. I was not ready for a relationship the first time he asked and explained that would like to be friends. We went out walking together which we both enjoyed and after a few months he asked me again and l accepted. I felt ready to start dating again by this time. We went out and had an amazing night, this turned quickly into a very loving physical relationship. He told me he loved me very soon in and it wasn't long before l felt the same. He was so attentive, passionate, loving and caring, thoughtful that l thought l had found my life partner. He was 45, 2 previous marriages, l was 40, 1 previous marriage. All of a sudden after 7 months of bliss l feel like he has suddenly pulled away . We see each other 2 or 3 times in the week and most weekends and text loads but the messages are just now what he's up to, not l love you etc how it was before. He lost he's dad a few months before we got together and it's coming up to a year, he says he's dealing with this. He has nightmare, feels stressed and of course must be grieving. I understand what he's going through because l lost my dad a 3 years ago. I'm trying to give him all the space he needs to get through this but want to be there for him too but the affection he once had for me seems to have gone. I feel lost but know it's not about me and just wish the best for him to get through this. It's just so hard to have someone in your life that is so loving, cuddles on tap, telling you how much they love you, discussing moving in together, planning the future to nothing. I tell him how much l love him, txt him caring thoughts but l don't get anything back affectionate. It's killing me inside and am lost to know what to do. I am just giving him space that it seems like he needs and letting him know that l am there for him. I don't know what the future holds for us and l wish with all my heart we can get what we had back at some point. I didn't realise he had asbergers until maybe 3 months in when he told me so l researched and am trying to understand the best l can. I know everyone deals with greif differently and there is no time limit on it, l just hope that he can see how much l care for him and doesn't get so lost he won't see us again.

I feel for you Eli 24 and am hopeful your relationship will continue. Your SO seems fairly communicative and it's a positive sign that he shared the fact he has aspergers with you & didn't hide it. I can only share my own experience which to this day was one of the worst experiences of my romantic life.
My aspie ex (of 2 years) was also incredibly attentive, affectionate & generous. We had an amazing mental connection as well as physical and I was elated to say the least. We saw each other a few times a week and I did notice some odd quirks & characteristics but the good more than outweighed the bad & after all none of us are perfect.
Basically there seemed to be a pull back/withdrawal on his part every few months and communication would slow down & like you I tried to be patient & supportive. It could be work related, family related or an unknown issue related to me that he didn't share; example he claimed I woke him up one morning at 4 am in fact I woke up as his arm was over my face & tried to gently move it which I couldn't so I did call his name thereby waking him up. Well he carried this with him for weeks keeping me in the dark & ignoring my calls/texts. Bottom line the pattern kept repeating and I was getting fed up with the roller coaster ride and having to walk on egg shells. Slowly the mask began to slip more and more & he would start snapping at the least thing if something didn't suit him. I read somewhere that the aspie can keep the facade going for approx 2 years and then the mask begins to slip.
One time I asked to change a sheet on his bed, he didn't want to & went mad & punished me by sleeping in his kid's bedroom then acted like nothing was wrong the next morning (?), another time I wasn't ready to go to bed at the same time as him & he snapped. Another time in the height of summer I asked if we could to sit outside at a restaurant but he wanted to sit inside 'cos he was cold. Things always had to go his way, it was always about him .
I started to see a therapist that specialised in aspergers & this helped me understand the differences between us. We had both wanted to end up in the sun upon his retirement in a few years & had our first holiday planned albeit with his mum (who I got on well with) and his teenage kids.
It all reached a final conclusion after the restaurant issue of him wanting to sit inside & I was so hurt at the way he snapped at me (even the waiter looked shocked) I had tears in my eyes so I decided to go home & let him get some rest as I sensed he was tired & one of his aspie overloads may be coming on. Well after that things never recovered, he broke a few dates & to be honest I had gone off him.
He started ignoring me again & we had the holiday coming up in 3 weeks. As a last resort I drove over to his place & he basically told me that I (me) am very self centered (talk about projection) so things weren't working for him, when I asked what made him say that he mentioned the restaurant issue. When I asked about the holiday ...wait for it...he said he's never invited me, excuse me what? Talk about selective memory...honestly this was the moment I realised this man has a serious disorder and that all the months & weeks & happy hours where I thought we had been so close, of me trusting him more than any other man in my life had all meant nothing to him. He was cold as ice as if I had never existed for him, like he had just flipped a switch. I picked myself up & retained what dignity I had and left. As of this writing I have never heard another word from him (7 weeks). I will add this man has deep wounds from his childhood, his dad died when he was a baby & his mum put him in foster care for several years. Also his wife left him as did the 2 other significant ladies in his life and BTW he pinned all the blame on them, they were nasty, exploded all the time etc, etc..I think he has abandonment issues so it's not just about aspergers. As for (self centered) me I am a carer for my mum and do voluntary work. I still miss him but realise this relationship was becoming way too one sided....Having read many articles and forums it does appear to be a pattern whereby the NT in the relationship does not get their needs met and everything revolves around the aspie...

 

[Savvy]

PS I highly recommend ‘22 Things A Woman Must Know by Rudy Simone (If she loves a man with Aspergers)’
Incredibly informative & enlightening. The foreword puts everything in perspective, the initial courtship & how things start to ease off and change, Cassandra Syndrome etc..

 

[mw2530]

I feel for you Eli 24 and am hopeful your relationship will continue. Your SO seems fairly communicative and it's a positive sign that he shared the fact he has aspergers with you & didn't hide it. I can only share my own experience which to this day was one of the worst experiences of my romantic life.
My aspie ex (of 2 years) was also incredibly attentive, affectionate & generous. We had an amazing mental connection as well as physical and I was elated to say the least. We saw each other a few times a week and I did notice some odd quirks & characteristics but the good more than outweighed the bad & after all none of us are perfect.
Basically there seemed to be a pull back/withdrawal on his part every few months and communication would slow down & like you I tried to be patient & supportive. It could be work related, family related or an unknown issue related to me that he didn't share; example he claimed I woke him up one morning at 4 am in fact I woke up as his arm was over my face & tried to gently move it which I couldn't so I did call his name thereby waking him up. Well he carried this with him for weeks keeping me in the dark & ignoring my calls/texts. Bottom line the pattern kept repeating and I was getting fed up with the roller coaster ride and having to walk on egg shells. Slowly the mask began to slip more and more & he would start snapping at the least thing if something didn't suit him. I read somewhere that the aspie can keep the facade going for approx 2 years and then the mask begins to slip.
One time I asked to change a sheet on his bed, he didn't want to & went mad & punished me by sleeping in his kid's bedroom then acted like nothing was wrong the next morning (?), another time I wasn't ready to go to bed at the same time as him & he snapped. Another time in the height of summer I asked if we could to sit outside at a restaurant but he wanted to sit inside 'cos he was cold. Things always had to go his way, it was always about him .
I started to see a therapist that specialised in aspergers & this helped me understand the differences between us. We had both wanted to end up in the sun upon his retirement in a few years & had our first holiday planned albeit with his mum (who I got on well with) and his teenage kids.
It all reached a final conclusion after the restaurant issue of him wanting to sit inside & I was so hurt at the way he snapped at me (even the waiter looked shocked) I had tears in my eyes so I decided to go home & let him get some rest as I sensed he was tired & one of his aspie overloads may be coming on. Well after that things never recovered, he broke a few dates & to be honest I had gone off him.
He started ignoring me again & we had the holiday coming up in 3 weeks. As a last resort I drove over to his place & he basically told me that I (me) am very self centered (talk about projection) so things weren't working for him, when I asked what made him say that he mentioned the restaurant issue. When I asked about the holiday ...wait for it...he said he's never invited me, excuse me what? Talk about selective memory...honestly this was the moment I realised this man has a serious disorder and that all the months & weeks & happy hours where I thought we had been so close, of me trusting him more than any other man in my life had all meant nothing to him. He was cold as ice as if I had never existed for him, like he had just flipped a switch. I picked myself up & retained what dignity I had and left. As of this writing I have never heard another word from him (7 weeks). I will add this man has deep wounds from his childhood, his dad died when he was a baby & his mum put him in foster care for several years. Also his wife left him as did the 2 other significant ladies in his life and BTW he pinned all the blame on them, they were nasty, exploded all the time etc, etc..I think he has abandonment issues so it's not just about aspergers. As for (self centered) me I am a carer for my mum and do voluntary work. I still miss him but realise this relationship was becoming way too one sided....Having read many articles and forums it does appear to be a pattern whereby the NT in the relationship does not get their needs met and everything revolves around the aspie...

I don't claim to know much about relationships but I believe some ASD NT relationships fall apart not because of the relationship itself, but all the extra things that are pulled in as part of the relationship. For example, with a relationship, there are new social groups that you are expected to participate in (even if the expectation is to a limited extent). For example, you now have another family to spend time with (in laws if married) and your SO's social group of friends. Now these are positive things but for and aspie this can be tiring. Even spending time with our own family or friends can be tiresome at times. This is simply the realty of life as an aspie in this world - we need our time alone to recharge. A relationship also brings about a lot of changes to our routine which can be exhausting. But the aspie knows that he must accommodate early on - If he reveals aspergers too early in the relationship the NT will probably run. And considering it is quite rare to ever even have the opportunity to be in a relationship, the aspie will put forth significant effort early on to make it work. But knows eventually he will burn out unless he can get back some of his normal tendencies. It can also be overwhelming when the NT probably has loads more of experience when it comes to any aspect of a relationship. So he is learning on the go. IMO, for the relationship to work, the aspie will need to reveal his aspergers (if he is aware) or the relationship will likely not last. I don't think either side understands how much the other is trying or accommodating unless it is discussed.

 

[Eli24]

Thankyou for replys, really insightful. Going from someone who had no knowledge at all about Asbergers, l feel l have gained a deeper understanding here. MW2530 what you have said about relationships has made me think a lot and l agree that neither side understands how much the other is trying or accommodating unless it is discussed. I feel that l really want to discuss this with him, with him going through greif and such a tough time right now though, I'm very worried this additional stress will completely be too much and drive him away completely. I would love nothing more than to discuss my thoughts and try and talk it out but really not sure the time is right.
Savvy thankyou for sharing your experience, lm sorry things went the way they did for you. There are so many similarities with what's happening here. I will take a look at that book. Before he told me he had Asbergers l could see querks and they were all good and endearing, l too am not perfect my no means and would never claim to be. He said things to me regularly, like I'm amazing, beautiful, will always love you, so many things that made us feel so special and l made sure he felt special to me too. Like some of the incidents that you've mentioned, l have had simular experiences. He loves walking to the point it is obsessive. Luckily l love walking too so we do lots of walking together which l enjoy. On the last day of a holiday we were on, l was hoping we could spend some time enjoying the day and relaxing as we had been out exploring and walking for much of it. He finds it difficult to relax and needs to be on the go constantly so he suggested l relax and he goes for a walk. He went off all day and when he came back he was so tired he just wanted to go back the room to sleep. We went to the restaurant on site for dinner but then he couldn't get back to the room quick enough to go back to bed to rest. It was like anything l said was completely discounted and we had no time that last day together. Even a couple of hours out of the day would have been nice which l sugested. When we got back from holiday l didn't see him for nearly a week, he was always 'busy' he backed off from me alot. He has done this before and can see a pattern where he's fine and things are going really well then all of a sudden backs off again with no explanation and withdraws affection in messages he sends. Then all of a sudden l get a really nice message or call which gives me hope. ( feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster)
Recently when he comes over in the week after work, he just wants to walk. It wasn't like that before, we went out and also spent lots of time together at my home. I understand everyones different and this is ok also to have different levels of interests but it feels like l am working around what he wants to do and there's no give. I also understand that this is a part of him and walkimg is very important to him, also a stress release which l respect so its not so much the walking but the way things have changed, like that's more of a priority now rather than us and time we spend together as a couple. Like l explained before he is going through a difficult time so he has backed off more than he ever has before. I am respectful of him having hes own space as every relationship needs this, l too like time to myself. We have separate interests that we peruse and we are busy with our own lives also which l think is healthy, l never expect us to be in one another's pockets constantly.
You mentined exes and l had the same told to me, it was all there fault entirely and they exploded at him etc. I have only recently not necesseraly taken these comments at face value.
l love him so much and really want it to work out, which is like it was for you to begin with. There are problems in all relationships, l question myself always too because could there be something l can be doing differently. Communication l suppose is key to working through and them being successful. Hes going though so much emotionally that l worry comunicating my worries to him will be too much right now.