Abandoned by AS boyfriend, is this common??

[Hanna fowler]

Hello everyone. I am a 33 y/o Female NT recently in a 4 month relationship with a 33 y/o Male AS. It started out very full on, after 3 weeks he told me he was madly in love with me and shortly after said he was gonna marry me one day and that I was his everything. We were even planning on moving in together after around 9 months of being together. We talked weddings and future children and him being the stepdad to my daughter.

Everything was great until I started bringing to his attention that the lack of affection (which was really none at all) was bothering me. He said he would try harder but it never happened so I brought it up again. That time he noticeably was getting annoyed and tried to turn it around on me saying I was too needy, he was not nice about it.

Shortly after that he got very frustrated with me when I accused him of only wanting to see me when he needed his laundry done and needed a ride to the store. Things went very quickly down hill from there and long story short he abruptly stopped talking to me all together, wouldn't respond to my texts even when i was pouring my heart out saying how devastated I was that he completely just abandoned me. Still no response and it has really broken me.

Is this common for someone with AS to do? I am so confused in thinking did he even really ever love me? Did I ever mean that much to him? Cause if I did how could he do this to me? I would love some advice and help on this!

 

[Keigan]

Every AS man is different, though consider the following passage from my own behavior and experiences. I'm 54 and recently self-diagnosed with AS, now I do life coaching for NT women who bump into AS men.

Www.myinsightcoach.com

As an aspie, we often mimic the behaviour we see that is successful as a coping mechanism for our own challenges with our emotions and fitting in in general. As an example, if I watch a Cary Grant movie then I will be able to mimic him very well, I'm the most romantic guy in the room. The problem is that kind of works for dating, there are plenty of good examples for dating, but not so much for relationship as this approach does not result in warm and fuzzy feelings.

The aspie is doing all that he knows, he expresses his feeling more through actions than words, so not much of an emotional connection if there are not feelings behind it.

Now, confronted with the lack of emotions, the aspie has no more tools and will probably shutdown. In that the doubt enters his mind as in: did I observe Cary Grant incorrectly, did I portray Cary Grant incorrectly, what do I do now. This has the possibility for the aspie to deny that his actions are anything but valid, because he is defensive as he only knows actions and a person that he might genuinely care for has questioned his existence - unknowingly. Result - exit stage left.

Next, he'll probably break off all contact and destroy any object that reminds him of the failure.

Sound familiar?

Obviously every aspie is different and my description above is a gross over simplification, truly and justifiably would requires hours of conversation to fully understand.

If he is gone, then he is probably gone deep and may take for ever to come up for air

 

[Keigan]

I'll add, we all experience and express love differently. In order to understand the aspie brain, I'll recommend "Nerdy, Shy and Socially Inappropriatte" by Cynthia Kim who is female and an aspie and married - excellent read towards understanding some of the aspie traits from the mind of an aspie.

 

[Judge]

Is this common for someone with AS to do? I am so confused in thinking did he even really ever love me?

We all have different combinations of traits and behaviors and at different intensities.

Did I ever mean that much to him? Cause if I did how could he do this to me? I would love some advice and help on this!

I suspect you may have meant a great deal to him. But it's possible you may have struck a "raw nerve" with him, in questioning something over a trait/behavior he may have little control over. And that he became overly defensive about it. One thing many of us do have in common is living a life of criticisms by Neurotypical mindsets over things we have little or no control over at all. So I suspect many of us don't react well when questioned about such things. He may have experienced a type of shutdown as a result.

I'm a bit surprised to hear of a Neurotypical who could go for fourth months without receiving any physical affection at all. After all that time possibly with a false sense of security you may have simply "caught him off guard" and he overreacted- and badly. But I can only guess given so little information.

Whether he has any real control over such a thing depends on him. I know in my own case I can be easily affectionate in a much shorter amount of time, and just as easily turn it off like a switch if there's something distracting me. It's just too bad this wasn't something you could have addressed much earlier into the relationship to give him time to adapt and possibly discuss depending on how self-conscious he may be about such a shortcoming.

Though for all my relationships with NT women at the time, neither they or myself were aware I was on the spectrum of autism. They had no clue any more than I did about what motivated my own traits and behaviors, for better or worse.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Hi Nannah. I think we would need more information. What were your feelings toward him, as you did not express much how you felt about him, other than needing more affection and you getting upset at how things ended. Did you ever tell him you loved him and why? Did you feel love for him or it did not reach that level for you yet?

So, as he was rarely affectionate, did he show his love mostly through words and other actions? Did you ever initiate affection? if so, how did he react to such? Did he seem to pull away, or did he seem ok with it early on before he expressed his love? I am just curious too why he was coming on strong early on, but then all of a sudden bolted. Maybe physical contact just scares him, or he feels discomfort with that.

Usually, if someone says they love another, and made big plans for a future, you would not think they would run away after some criticism regarding affection, as love often involves that, and this should not shock them, so they should want to at least listen. I have no way of knowing if his definition of love was the same as yours, but from reading posts from those with AS some may just have harder time processing or expressing their love. And for many affection may not feel natural.

So, in some cases the one with AS may perhaps be less able to just tolerate being someone they cannot be, or with feeling too much pressure to change, and to show love in the way NTs do. So, in those cases they could want to maybe end things before things got worse. In other cases, maybe it just was not a great fit, as one or both were trying to make the relationship work out too quickly and warning signs were there earlier, but you both overlooked those as had other needs.

I do not think it is just an Aspie problem though, as there are all types of relationships from all different types of people, with and without conditions, that end like that, when things seemed to be going well earlier. Sometimes people put their best foot forward first, or try to please too much first, but then with time compatibility does not seem to be there, then they leave and do not want to talk about it. But, I sense in this case, the expressing of affection was a big issue for him.

While I agree you deserved at least an explanation why things
turned bad so quickly, as it is not polite or socially acceptable by NTs to state love then run away like that without explanation, I am not sure you will ever get that explanation. There are men and women all the time that have harder time being socially appropriate for relationships, because of personality, condition or compatibility, or as the communication is not really there.

So, without knowing more that went on, it would be hard to say who was at fault, if any at all. The bottom line is that is what happened, try to learn from things, and after learning more move on. He would have to make the next move it seems. Clearly, it takes two persons to make relationships work. If only one wants it, it will not work out. Or if one wants it only temporarily, or in just their ways, then that won't work either.

Both need to be on the same page. It sounds like early on things were at lease somewhat fine, but later on, he just lost interest or things got more hectic for him. It could be he just was not ready or able for NT closeness, and nothing more than that. I do not know how many relationships he was in before. I do not know if he wanted to fill some other void in his life, or thought he could just be himself in all ways, without attempts at working things out.

There have been successful relationships with NTs and Aspies in this forum, and not so. It all depends on the efforts and specific desires and needs for each.

 

[tee]

Is this common for someone with AS to do? I am so confused in thinking did he even really ever love me? Did I ever mean that much to him? Cause if I did how could he do this to me? I would love some advice and help on this!

I have a little bit of experience as someone with HFA who abruptly broke up with someone after a long relationship. We were really close and I loved her a lot. But I was never comfortable from the beginning - complicated by the fact I hadn't been diagnosed yet and had no insight into my emotional problems. Because I cared for her so much I tried to bottle it up and we dated for over 2 years. But my emotional problems kept getting worse and worse, I had an emotional breakdown, and I unexpectedly and suddenly broke up with her and kind of cut myself off.

I don't want to be presumptuous about your situation or him because all relationships and people are different, but in my case the stress of my emotional problems from HFA (especially since I was not diagnosed) eventually led me to do something I otherwise didn't want to do. I couldn't express what I wanted or felt, which led to frustration; I was so oversensitive that I had intimacy issues, which was also very frustrating; since I couldn't express myself I sort of felt my behavior was completely a reaction to hers which made me feel powerless. Those are a few of the specific feelings I guess that led me to do it. Again, not sure if he's the same way at all but there might be some similarities. If he's anything like me he will probably regret it when he recovers from whatever stress he was feeling and remembers the good things more.

 

[Hanna fowler]

Every AS man is different, though consider the following passage from my own behavior and experiences. I'm 54 and recently self-diagnosed with AS, now I do life coaching for NT women who bump into AS men.

Www.myinsightcoach.com

As an aspie, we often mimic the behaviour we see that is successful as a coping mechanism for our own challenges with our emotions and fitting in in general. As an example, if I watch a Cary Grant movie then I will be able to mimic him very well, I'm the most romantic guy in the room. The problem is that kind of works for dating, there are plenty of good examples for dating, but not so much for relationship as this approach does not result in warm and fuzzy feelings.

The aspie is doing all that he knows, he expresses his feeling more through actions than words, so not much of an emotional connection if there are not feelings behind it.

Now, confronted with the lack of emotions, the aspie has no more tools and will probably shutdown. In that the doubt enters his mind as in: did I observe Cary Grant incorrectly, did I portray Cary Grant incorrectly, what do I do now. This has the possibility for the aspie to deny that his actions are anything but valid, because he is defensive as he only knows actions and a person that he might genuinely care for has questioned his existence - unknowingly. Result - exit stage left.

Next, he'll probably break off all contact and destroy any object that reminds him of the failure.

Sound familiar?

Obviously every aspie is different and my description above is a gross over simplification, truly and justifiably would requires hours of conversation to fully understand.

If he is gone, then he is probably gone deep and may take for ever to come up for air

Thank you for your reply. It does sound all familiar and helps me better understand. And yes i do believe he is gone for good. I wrote him a text saying how hurt I was and never expected him to do this to me. No response at all.

 

[Hanna fowler]

I have a little bit of experience as someone with HFA who abruptly broke up with someone after a long relationship. We were really close and I loved her a lot. But I was never comfortable from the beginning - complicated by the fact I hadn't been diagnosed yet and had no insight into my emotional problems. Because I cared for her so much I tried to bottle it up and we dated for over 2 years. But my emotional problems kept getting worse and worse, I had an emotional breakdown, and I unexpectedly and suddenly broke up with her and kind of cut myself off.

I don't want to be presumptuous about your situation or him because all relationships and people are different, but in my case the stress of my emotional problems from HFA (especially since I was not diagnosed) eventually led me to do something I otherwise didn't want to do. I couldn't express what I wanted or felt, which led to frustration; I was so oversensitive that I had intimacy issues, which was also very frustrating; since I couldn't express myself I sort of felt my behavior was completely a reaction to hers which made me feel powerless. Those are a few of the specific feelings I guess that led me to do it. Again, not sure if he's the same way at all but there might be some similarities. If he's anything like me he will probably regret it when he recovers from whatever stress he was feeling and remembers the good things more.

Thank you very much for your reply. He did mention a lot that he was getting very frustrated over the issues we were having. I really do not think he will regret it though because I wrote him a heart felt text saying how hurt I was and never expected him to do something like this to me. No response at all, its as if he just threw me away with no care.

 

[Keigan]

Thank you for your reply. It does sound all familiar and helps me better understand. And yes i do believe he is gone for good. I wrote him a text saying how hurt I was and never expected him to do this to me. No response at all.

Then he is flooded with emotions, can't process his own emotions and probably can't deal with your emotions on top of his. At the moment he is probably withdrawn into a safe place, or something that is important to him like his work.

Unfortunately, there is no reconstruction without communication, and if he does surface and start to communicate you'll need to make everything about your learning adventure in AS.

Generalization.....
We can't respond well, it is how we are wired, so he does not understand your statements like "how could you do this to me", he probably has no response or frame of reference or simply does not have the words to articulate.

 

[Hanna fowler]

Hi Nannah. I think we would need more information. What were your feelings toward him, as you did not express much how you felt about him, other than needing more affection and you getting upset at how things ended. Did you ever tell him you loved him and why? Did you feel love for him or it did not reach that level for you yet?

So, as he was rarely affectionate, did he show his love mostly through words and other actions? Did you ever initiate affection? if so, how did he react to such? Did he seem to pull away, or did he seem ok with it early on before he expressed his love? I am just curious too why he was coming on strong early on, but then all of a sudden bolted. Maybe physical contact just scares him, or he feels discomfort with that.

Usually, if someone says they love another, and made big plans for a future, you would not think they would run away after some criticism regarding affection, as love often involves that, and this should not shock them, so they should want to at least listen. I have no way of knowing if his definition of love was the same as yours, but from reading posts from those with AS some may just have harder time processing or expressing their love. And for many affection may not feel natural.

So, in some cases the one with AS may perhaps be less able to just tolerate being someone they cannot be, or with feeling too much pressure to change, and to show love in the way NTs do. So, in those cases they could want to maybe end things before things got worse. In other cases, maybe it just was not a great fit, as one or both were trying to make the relationship work out too quickly and warning signs were there earlier, but you both overlooked those as had other needs.

I do not think it is just an Aspie problem though, as there are all types of relationships from all different types of people, with and without conditions, that end like that, when things seemed to be going well earlier. Sometimes people put their best foot forward first, or try to please too much first, but then with time compatibility does not seem to be there, then they leave and do not want to talk about it. But, I sense in this case, the expressing of affection was a big issue for him.

While I agree you deserved at least an explanation why things
turned bad so quickly, as it is not polite or socially acceptable by NTs to state love then run away like that without explanation, I am not sure you will ever get that explanation. There are men and women all the time that have harder time being socially appropriate for relationships, because of personality, condition or compatibility, or as the communication is not really there.

So, without knowing more that went on, it would be hard to say who was at fault, if any at all. The bottom line is that is what happened, try to learn from things, and after learning more move on. He would have to make the next move it seems. Clearly, it takes two persons to make relationships work. If only one wants it, it will not work out. Or if one wants it only temporarily, or in just their ways, then that won't work either.

Both need to be on the same page. It sounds like early on things were at lease somewhat fine, but later on, he just lost interest or things got more hectic for him. It could be he just was not ready or able for NT closeness, and nothing more than that. I do not know how many relationships he was in before. I do not know if he wanted to fill some other void in his life, or thought he could just be himself in all ways, without attempts at working things out.

There have been successful relationships with NTs and Aspies in this forum, and not so. It all depends on the efforts and specific desires and needs for each.

My feelings developed into love very quickly as well. We communicated only through text when we werent around each other and we would have very serious conversations about weddings and having children. I honestly thought I was going to marry this man, I was very much in love. And yes I expressed to him that I loved him very much and would tell him why.

As far as the affection, he was never affectionate, just one time in 4 months when we went to a concert and I'm assuming he was mimicking the other couples there that were showing affection. I did early on try to show affection but over time became uncomfortable with it because he did seem uncomfortable with it. He wouldnt push me away or anything but I just sensed it didnt feel right, so i pulled away from doing it as well.

I guess I just feel so abandoned and felt like I meant nothing to him, which was so far from what he was telling me. But he would never tell me these things in person, it was only through text. He showed love by buying me thoughtful things for me and my daughter or he would come over and bbq for us, or if I ever needed help financially he would always try and help. I really trusted him and really did never question his love for me, not till now.

 

[Keigan]

My feelings developed into love very quickly as well. We communicated only through text when we werent around each other and we would have very serious conversations about weddings and having children. I honestly thought I was going to marry this man, I was very much in love. And yes I expressed to him that I loved him very much and would tell him why.

As far as the affection, he was never affectionate, just one time in 4 months when we went to a concert and I'm assuming he was mimicking the other couples there that were showing affection. I did early on try to show affection but over time became uncomfortable with it because he did seem uncomfortable with it. He wouldnt push me away or anything but I just sensed it didnt feel right, so i pulled away from doing it as well.

I guess I just feel so abandoned and felt like I meant nothing to him, which was so far from what he was telling me. But he would never tell me these things in person, it was only through text. He showed love by buying me thoughtful things for me and my daughter or he would come over and bbq for us, or if I ever needed help financially he would always try and help. I really trusted him and really did never question his love for me, not till now.

He showed his love through actions, probably very real for him. In his texts or speaking, did he use "I think" or "I feel" - i would imagine that he probably used "I think" more than anything else. Also the affection.... look up Alexithymia.

 

[tee]

I really do not think he will regret it though because I wrote him a heart felt text saying how hurt I was and never expected him to do something like this to me. No response at all, its as if he just threw me away with no care.

Again I don't want to pretend like I am in his head at all, but in my case the girl was very devastated too. I did spend a lot of time in person with her yelling at me though. I guess I said some things to try to make her feel better, but at the same time I was kind of disturbingly unresponsive and cold I think. The closest I can come to explaining it is that I really had no idea how to express myself, ironic I guess since that was a big reason why I felt like I needed to break up.

About six months later we became close again and kind of ended up having a complicated relationship for about a year. We started having a physical relationship and were spending a lot of time together, but were not technically back together. I wanted to be back together officially but was too afraid to ask because I knew deep down I hadn't figured out why I felt so bad when we were together and didn't want to risk hurting her again. I think she was torn between wanting to be back together and understandably being mistrustful and angry with me. Ultimately we never overcame that and had kind of a mutual falling out.

I guess I wanted to share that second paragraph because, if there is any similarity between me and him, it's possible he will want to get back together but deep down will not be prepared to do a better job respecting your needs, if that makes sense. After years trying to figure things out and getting help I've grown a lot, so it is possible he could learn a little. But it's something to at least be mindful of in that situation.

 

[Hanna fowler]

Then he is flooded with emotions, can't process his own emotions and probably can't deal with your emotions on top of his. At the moment he is probably withdrawn into a safe place, or something that is important to him like his work.

Unfortunately, there is no reconstruction without communication, and if he does surface and start to communicate you'll need to make everything regarding your learning adventure in AS.

Generalization.....
We can't respond well, it is how we are wired, so he does not understand your statements like "how could you do this to me", he probably has no response or frame of reference or simply does not have the words to articulate.

Yes he works a lot, sometimes up to 80 hours a week, so I am sure he is consumed in that at the moment. It just felt so cold and cruel how he ended things, but I guess I am trying to understand it all and not just pin him as this heart less person.

 

[Hanna fowler]

Again I don't want to pretend like I am in his head at all, but in my case the girl was very devastated too. I did spend a lot of time in person with her yelling at me though. I guess I said some things to try to make her feel better, but at the same time I was kind of disturbingly unresponsive and cold I think. The closest I can come to explaining it is that I really had no idea how to express myself, ironic I guess since that was a big reason why I felt like I needed to break up.

About six months later we became close again and kind of ended up having a complicated relationship for about a year. We started having a physical relationship and were spending a lot of time together, but were not technically back together. I wanted to be back together officially but was too afraid to ask because I knew deep down I hadn't figured out why I felt so bad when we were together and didn't want to risk hurting her again. I think she was torn between wanting to be back together and understandably being mistrustful and angry with me. Ultimately we never overcame that and had kind of a mutual falling out.

I guess I wanted to share that second paragraph because, if there is any similarity between me and him, it's possible he will want to get back together but deep down will not be prepared to do a better job respecting your needs, if that makes sense. After years trying to figure things out and getting help I've grown a lot, so it is possible he could learn a little. But it's something to at least be mindful of in that situation.

It's interesting you say that because I asked him about his previous relationships, he never really talked about it much but he did say they broke up and did not speak for 2 years after that and then they wound up becoming close friends. And no I am not waiting around for him to pop up, I honestly don't think he will ever, its pretty clear he cut me off for good, he even deleted me off his social media. It's just very hard being 'thrown away' like that with no explanation and no emotion. I know its a lost cause and I have to move on, and really try not to think I meant absolutely nothing.

 

[Keigan]

I've been called heart less and cold, and much worse. I have feelings, I just don't have the ability to express sometimes.

That is what you need to understand, there is a significant difference between can't (aspie) and can but won't.... it is how we are wired, or not wired.

 

[Hanna fowler]

He showed his love through actions, probably very real for him. In his texts or speaking, did he use "I think" or "I feel" - o would imagine that he probably used "I think" more than anything else. Also the affection.... look up Alexithymia.

Yeah i dont remember him using the words feel too much. I'd have to look back and right now that would be too painful for me. Thanks I will look that up.

 

[Keigan]

Alexithymia affects 10% of the general population, both NT and Neural-diverse. It can be genetic which is pervasive or environmental that can be overcome through counseling/therapy. The condition describes an individual who may or may not feel emotions and does not have the words to express the emotions they have, and can't recognize emotions in others. There is also impact through a lack of or reduced interest in affection and sex.

Not much available to research.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

My feelings developed into love very quickly as well. We communicated only through text when we werent around each other and we would have very serious conversations about weddings and having children. I honestly thought I was going to marry this man, I was very much in love. And yes I expressed to him that I loved him very much and would tell him why.

As far as the affection, he was never affectionate, just one time in 4 months when we went to a concert and I'm assuming he was mimicking the other couples there that were showing affection. I did early on try to show affection but over time became uncomfortable with it because he did seem uncomfortable with it. He wouldnt push me away or anything but I just sensed it didnt feel right, so i pulled away from doing it as well.

I guess I just feel so abandoned and felt like I meant nothing to him, which was so far from what he was telling me. But he would never tell me these things in person, it was only through text. He showed love by buying me thoughtful things for me and my daughter or he would come over and bbq for us, or if I ever needed help financially he would always try and help. I really trusted him and really did never question his love for me, not till now.

Thanks for explaining more. It does just sound like he just was incapable of showing physical affection and that type of love. He could show care and love in those other ways, but not in the ways you needed, too. It does not look like you pushed him too hard though, so do not blame yourself. I think it was more his issue. Whether he could understand your pain and needs is debatable. In this case, he probably tried his best, but learned he could not be happy and function physically in terms of affection and other such things. So, sorry it did not work out. I wish he could have not run away though without an attempt to at least discuss things. It would have not worked out anyway long term if that was a typical reaction to such important things.

 

[AshleyDS]

Not a guy, but this sounds like something I would do.
My husband needs more intimacy that I want to give (I don't mean sex - kisses and cuddles etc.) I do it because I love him. But if it were a newer relationship, I would probably react the same. When someone says or does something that shows me how different I am - it kills any bit of caring I have for them. Then I run away and never look back. I did this a lot before my husband.

As for lack of affection - it's not because I don't feel. It's because I can't connect how I feel to how I act. If I love someone, I stare at them. If I want them sexually, I'm more likely to do me while thinking about them than actually being intimate with them. If I'm angry with someone, I hit myself in the head, if I'm sad, I hurt myself.

Hope this helps.

 

[Alaska]

Thanks everybody, for this frank discussion. It has been very informative and helpful for me. I suppose I have gone through relationships with a lot of NTs like a buzz saw. This was before I knew much about what Autism and Aspergers were, let alone that I might be an Aspie.

Some of those NT guys accused me of being cold and/or heartless. I knew that was not true, but what was happening often mystified me.

I seem to have been acting like some of you guys did. Lol.

I knew a long time ago that something was different about me from most other people, but I did not realize that how I think, feel, and handle emotions was part of that difference. I just assumed that we felt the same, but just talked about it differently.

This has given me a whole lot of good stuff to think about and is likely to help me a lot in relationships.