I really am seeing how difficult it is to be positive when I have the mindset that 'I'll always be kicked down for trying or doing or being'.
I am thinking this has to do with way more than how my stepmother treated me. And alot more than Dad being absent as a father. Just due to my worldview alone.
Something other things in my life had to of happened. Maybe childhood bullies. Jerks in my life. Or people who are manipulative, like my stepmother. Though I cannot exactly pull any specific memories. I've also discarded alot of positive things too. So it's a disjointed mess. These are not minor holes in memory. It's huge gaps of my life missing in memory. Not that they are fully forgotten. But it feels like I have suppressed alot more than 'a few things'.
It's delusional. But I have a overwhelming belief that the world is crashing down on me all the time. That I am a perpetual failure, with no end to the mistakes. That's easier to not try, than be hurt by people. The unpredictability is hard to justify as something worth fighting through.
Can people be nice. Yes. But my own delusions and paranoia tell me that everyone is out to get me or generally will dislike me eventually. That I am not worth anything to anyone. That I am generally worthless and a waste of time to be around.
I've made this delusion all about avoiding life and responsibility. But that is part of why it's so frustrating. Being this negative about myself just feels sickening. But yet I choose to helplessly fall back to this delusion. This misery.
It's hard to be positive, when all you have accepted is negativity.
I am thinking this has to do with way more than how my stepmother treated me. And alot more than Dad being absent as a father. Just due to my worldview alone.
Something other things in my life had to of happened. Maybe childhood bullies. Jerks in my life. Or people who are manipulative, like my stepmother. Though I cannot exactly pull any specific memories. I've also discarded alot of positive things too. So it's a disjointed mess. These are not minor holes in memory. It's huge gaps of my life missing in memory. Not that they are fully forgotten. But it feels like I have suppressed alot more than 'a few things'.
It's delusional. But I have a overwhelming belief that the world is crashing down on me all the time. That I am a perpetual failure, with no end to the mistakes. That's easier to not try, than be hurt by people. The unpredictability is hard to justify as something worth fighting through.
Can people be nice. Yes. But my own delusions and paranoia tell me that everyone is out to get me or generally will dislike me eventually. That I am not worth anything to anyone. That I am generally worthless and a waste of time to be around.
I've made this delusion all about avoiding life and responsibility. But that is part of why it's so frustrating. Being this negative about myself just feels sickening. But yet I choose to helplessly fall back to this delusion. This misery.
It's hard to be positive, when all you have accepted is negativity.
