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Blog entries by Xinyta

Xinyta
2 min read
Views
64
Comments
2
Personal
I know I have always talked like humanity is something to be apart of. Yet I have days where I question that notion. Question if I truly belong. Do I even belong on this forum? Do I belong anywhere? I feel like the only place I belong, is in my own darkness. Hidden from the world and living...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
35
General
You know. I always mention how there are clues in our wording, when we are down on ourselves. Yet, I have never applied it to myself. I know I'll not figure it about by stewing on it, yet I internalize it anyway. I feel I must look at all I've written down and see if there are patterns I can...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
140
Comments
1
General
I have started looking into the idea of a dual layered system. Masking and a psychological defense bubble. Entities on thier own serving thier psychological purposes for different things. It's a work in progress, but I have dubbed this idea the 'Super Sheild Theory'. I will most likely have...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
270
Reaction score
1
Comments
1
Personal
I see my folly. I am afraid of the truth. I am afraid to face myself. I have never in my life have ever let go of anything. I have blamed this. I have blamed that. But I have largely blamed myself for things that I have no control over. Blamed myself for things that never existed. Blamed myself...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
45
Reaction score
1
Personal
This is a thing I need to admit to myself. No matter how much I despised her, I still took on her traits. I took on: - Being Pessimistic - Despising everyone and everything - Being overall negative about everything - Blaming everyone but myself - Being Selfish - Panicing over simple things that...
Xinyta
5 min read
Views
54
Personal
I do only remember bits and pieces of what happened. My dad found the woman who would be my stepmother. She came over to see me at my grandparent's house for Christmas. Alot of my dad's family and relatives were there. I probably was 6 going on 7 years old. My stepmother put up a good act...
Xinyta
4 min read
Views
40
Personal
I don't remember my birth, like many. Though I lack alot of memory in the few years after that. Most of this account in my earliest years was told to me by relatives on my Dad's side of the family. This is in hopes of keeping a record for myself too. From what I know, I was born in Alton...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
42
Personal
Hate. No one has any idea how strong of an emotion it is. No one thinks about the pain that is caused to create such feelings towards others, let alone towards the self. Experience is a teacher in this way. For someone, like myself, with ASD. This is a world too real to properly describe. To...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
58
Personal
This is the story of how my life happened and how it affected me. Alot of my early years was from what I was told by relatives, more than my own memories. But it is important all the same. THIS ISN'T A PROFESSIONAL NOVEL. Just me putting down my experiences. Hopefully it'll be some help to...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
62
Personal
I've found today, that my mind's negative nature is far more insidious than I gave it credit for. Well played kid me. Well played. What it is, is that my mind constantly looks for something by default to distract me from reality. Since I started limiting my phone, my mental state is now trying...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
90
Personal
This was oddly a late night thought process last night. Thinking about what it would be like to be a nudist. And if I'd possibly enjoy it. Though I was mildy tipsy and pretty tired from from 3 beers, so that may of influenced it a bit. Though let's get the less safe for work thing out of the...
Xinyta
2 min read
Views
84
Personal
My issue with paying attention isn't that I don't. It's just that my focus is in the wrong place. I am really seeing it now, that taking my mental state and what I focus on, in to account. I need to keep my mind active to avoid negatively spiraling. This is especially important when I am alone...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
145
Personal
There is something that I am now considering. That my misery cycle had a side component to it. Not that it is surprising. But I think I put myself in a infinite loop of autistic burnout because of stress and anxiety. It would explain alot. My mental state being what it's been, fueled my...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
109
Personal
What I mean is that I am not in the right mental state to face the world. I'm not entirely ready for situations that can happen in the world. This isn't self-deprecation. Just self-realization. I am not pleased by this, but I need to also remember this till I am ready. Same with my foggy, lost...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
65
Personal
I am fairly certain I am gay. It just is starting to make alot of sense. I really cannot justify anything else. I've looked back a little at thoughts and what I tend to go to alot for adult content. I don't seriously think I could justify being with a woman partner. Ever. I'm, if anything, akin...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
63
Other / Off Topic
It's going to sound strange, but I feel like I have gifted powers of a sort. I can see and sense alot of energies. Elemental and even emotional energies. Positive and Negative energies. Essentually, the auras of life itself. I can even tap into the source and feed from it, if I desire to...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
92
Reaction score
1
Personal
Just to preface this for those who are unaware or are thrown off by my profile pic. I am male. A very confused male trying to find his way. I am starting to believe from my behaviors, and actions, that I might be gay. The only thing putting a monkey wrench in that certainty is a lack of sexual...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
84
General
The voices echo. The very actions of people seem all against you. Yet it all doesn't exist. Negativity warps thoughts. Anxiety warps perception. Depression warps reality. The darkness lurking in the subconscious, is like a imp whispering foul obscenities into your ear. It traps our...
Xinyta
2 min read
Views
79
Personal
I know the title doesn't make sense, but it pertains to my habitual desire to quit before I even begin. I've taken to calling it Quiter's Syndrome. Though humorous labling aside. I do consider this a serious issue within myself. Though the two major points that made me break to the point of...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
654
Reaction score
1
Comments
3
Personal
I am a Self-tormenter. Inflicting punishments on myself. Believing I don't deserve anything, because I will not allow myself to get over my own upbringing. I feel like the only thing I am obligated to is beratement and punishment for being who I am. Though the worst punishment I have done to...
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