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Blog entries by Xinyta
I do only remember bits and pieces of what happened. My dad found the woman who would be my stepmother. She came over to see me at my grandparent's house for Christmas. Alot of my dad's family and relatives were there. I probably was 6 going on 7 years old. My stepmother put up a good act...
I don't remember my birth, like many. Though I lack alot of memory in the few years after that. Most of this account in my earliest years was told to me by relatives on my Dad's side of the family. This is in hopes of keeping a record for myself too.
From what I know, I was born in Alton...
Hate. No one has any idea how strong of an emotion it is. No one thinks about the pain that is caused to create such feelings towards others, let alone towards the self. Experience is a teacher in this way.
For someone, like myself, with ASD. This is a world too real to properly describe. To...
This is the story of how my life happened and how it affected me. Alot of my early years was from what I was told by relatives, more than my own memories. But it is important all the same.
THIS ISN'T A PROFESSIONAL NOVEL. Just me putting down my experiences. Hopefully it'll be some help to...
I've found today, that my mind's negative nature is far more insidious than I gave it credit for. Well played kid me. Well played.
What it is, is that my mind constantly looks for something by default to distract me from reality. Since I started limiting my phone, my mental state is now trying...
This was oddly a late night thought process last night. Thinking about what it would be like to be a nudist. And if I'd possibly enjoy it. Though I was mildy tipsy and pretty tired from from 3 beers, so that may of influenced it a bit.
Though let's get the less safe for work thing out of the...
My issue with paying attention isn't that I don't. It's just that my focus is in the wrong place.
I am really seeing it now, that taking my mental state and what I focus on, in to account. I need to keep my mind active to avoid negatively spiraling. This is especially important when I am alone...
There is something that I am now considering. That my misery cycle had a side component to it. Not that it is surprising. But I think I put myself in a infinite loop of autistic burnout because of stress and anxiety.
It would explain alot. My mental state being what it's been, fueled my...
What I mean is that I am not in the right mental state to face the world. I'm not entirely ready for situations that can happen in the world. This isn't self-deprecation. Just self-realization.
I am not pleased by this, but I need to also remember this till I am ready. Same with my foggy, lost...
I am fairly certain I am gay. It just is starting to make alot of sense. I really cannot justify anything else.
I've looked back a little at thoughts and what I tend to go to alot for adult content. I don't seriously think I could justify being with a woman partner. Ever. I'm, if anything, akin...
It's going to sound strange, but I feel like I have gifted powers of a sort.
I can see and sense alot of energies. Elemental and even emotional energies. Positive and Negative energies. Essentually, the auras of life itself. I can even tap into the source and feed from it, if I desire to...
Just to preface this for those who are unaware or are thrown off by my profile pic. I am male. A very confused male trying to find his way.
I am starting to believe from my behaviors, and actions, that I might be gay. The only thing putting a monkey wrench in that certainty is a lack of sexual...
The voices echo.
The very actions of people seem all against you.
Yet it all doesn't exist.
Negativity warps thoughts.
Anxiety warps perception.
Depression warps reality.
The darkness lurking in the subconscious, is like a imp whispering foul obscenities into your ear.
It traps our...
I know the title doesn't make sense, but it pertains to my habitual desire to quit before I even begin. I've taken to calling it Quiter's Syndrome.
Though humorous labling aside. I do consider this a serious issue within myself. Though the two major points that made me break to the point of...
I am a Self-tormenter. Inflicting punishments on myself. Believing I don't deserve anything, because I will not allow myself to get over my own upbringing. I feel like the only thing I am obligated to is beratement and punishment for being who I am.
Though the worst punishment I have done to...
This is my biggest problem that haunts my every move, action and general thought. I am starting to see it as immaturity, due to my lack of understanding of how life functionally works in every way. I have no experience in many things, but I self-doubt success in every regard, despite having zero...
There are alot of factors that either are traits of my parents or cause by them being horrible people:
- My response to being suggested logical considerations, is self-deprecation.
- My response to being called out, is throwing a tantrum.
- My response to life being the way it is, is fear.
-...
I have found that hate has twisted my veiw on alot of things. It all starts with my hatred of my Stepmother. It ends with me hating just about everything else.
The core of it is mother issues. Never having a good one, let alone having one orginally in my life.
My Dad was and is absentee...
I think I've found a sense of drive that holds me looking forward. Or at least has me looking up.
Even though I missed a large portion of it. I watched the episodic documentary 'The Last Dance'. It's all about Michael Jordan and his journey to becoming the legend, being the legend, and...
I am really beginning to wonder why I eat.
And no. I am not unaware that I, or anyone, eats to survive and stay strong. It's not about that.
It has to do with this psychological mindset I have been at battle with to overcome. I eat like I haven't eaten in weeks, months, or years. Not that I...