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My trap and the truth

For a very long time, I have felt trapped by the situation I was in growing up. But the truth is, I wasn't as trapped as I made myself believe. The only real trap was the lies I told myself. That I am in a hopeless situation. My stepmother despised me. My father never was around as much as I wish he was. My half-siblings stole all the attention when they were born.

But in reality. My stepmother is just a sociopathic control freak that despises everyone and everything. My father is a insecure, egotistical person, that is all about the money. My half-siblings were just childern that were equally as affected by my mom and dad as I was and still am. They did nothing wrong to me, yet I resented them for attention that I felt I should of got.

My dad being absentee isn't untrue, but I've always held it agaisnt him. That I felt like he didn't care. He may but his own insecurities don't allow for it. It's not my problem though. Those are his own demons to battle. If he does ever do so.

It's ironic though. Both the trap I am stuck in and the trap like I was stuck in both do not exist. Not in anyway that matters. But both haunt me because of how quick I am to keep myself from having any opinion, feelings, or thoughts on hardly anything. Let alone trying to do anything to help myself or to be active to get myself away from my own negative blackhole.

I am too quick to beat myself up emotionally for any mistakes I make, instead of seeing a lesson in it. It's as much part of the trap.

At the end of all this is one thing. Choice. I can choose to stop this. I will need to if I hope to find any semblance of a sense of self.


This reminds me of what my mother told me. She was stuck in a very toxic relationship with an ex for several years, and they even had a children together (my sister). She always felt like she was stuck there, but one day after he hurt her she just... left. She literally walked out the door with my sister in her arms while he was on the phone. She hadn't realized until then how easy it actually was.

Of course it was a difficult time where she stayed at her mother's and friend's place, but all things considered, it was also much easier than she imagined, and it really was her own mind and other people making her think it was an insurmountable problem. Things tend to seem much more difficult from the inside.

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