Figured I'd write whilst my mood felt a little brighter. Yesterday was a struggle with depression and loneliness. It feels very pronounced on my days off since splitting with Hayley. Truth be told I was feeling it less before me and Hayley met, as I was still smoking weed, and it helped to keep a lot of genuine thoughts and feelings at bay.
It's been a set menu on my days off, and I'm sure change is required to get me out of this funk. Music, reading, gaming, instant messaging. I reached out on Reddit to look for new people to talk to. One guy in Cambridge wants to meet to go staffing in a park. I said it'd need to be after my car is fixed, but it's something to follow up which is good. Plus it's a guy, which makes things easier for me. No risk of a friendship leading to a relationship and then breaking the friendship - as has been my pattern a lot in life.
My brief walk to the shop this morning felt nice. Quiet and breezy. Very overcast, and due to get more rain later. I saw someone's Christmas lights around their front door, and it made me think to myself of metaphorical doors which are available in life - if only we look, or are ready to go through them. That thought gave me some hope.
Had a dream last night that my van box had been vandalised, and the paint was peeling off. It was sort of plastic like paint, and I grabbed a snagged section and it peeled and pulled off vast sections of paint, until the whole box was bare metal. In reality it wouldn't be bare metal as it's GRP underneath and that's white. Still, I'm not sure what it symbolised. There was obvious stress in the dream that it was another van issue, along with the fact it had started by an unknown vandal who'd taken it upon themselves to damage my van. When all the paint was removed, I actually felt a sense of calm - like it would be ok regardless. Come to think of it, I had another dream regarding paint damage on the van. Scratches - like marking days or counting something. But the paintwork was vandalised and ruined. A running theme it would seem.
I got into 3 new instant message conversations via Reddit, but they all fizzled out rapidly. 2 of them I knew straight away there was no spark in the back and forth. The 3rd took me until the day after to realise that. I did hear from a couple of friends who proactively messaged me, which is a rarity. It was nice to hear from them, especially one who I hadn't heard from in 9 months. Felt good. I wonder if the same could be said for when I eventually hear from Meg again. Truth is, it's approaching 3 weeks now, and when I think about it, I get angry and resentful.
I suppose I feel calmer this morning. I got a good night's sleep totalling over 9 hours. I messaged the body shop asking if I can drop the van off tomorrow or Thursday. For today, all I need do is tidy my car, and maybe start on my room again, as the detritus accumulates quickly. After I finish writing this I'm going to email HR at work and ask to have the Fri-Sun that I was supposed to be working as holiday, so I don't miss out too much financially on February's pay day. I think it works for both of us. The less future holiday I take, the easier it makes life for the office. So I can't see why they'd refuse.
Been able to talk myself out of impulsivity a lot recently. Mostly revolving around searching that escort website. Seems to happen numerous times a day. Sometimes I talk myself into justifying seeing someone. Truth be told that had been the plan for Thursday anyway, it was only when the car trouble arose that I had to cancel. So me looking at other people to see was born through the depression and isolation I think. There was an impatience to see someone and feel good, to try and temporarily release me from this funk. But knowing the connection and pleasant experience I had with the last escort means that patience is paramount. No sense doing it any differently. Wait and enjoy the experience as and when it happens.
Was quite tempted in the shop by alcohol today. They had my old favourite drink which I used to buy from that shop called Victory Ale. I visualised buying 3 bottles and getting drunk. Thankfully that thought quickly passed. Mind you, from my purchases from the shop it's clear my sugar addiction hasn't abated.
Again, no plans for the day. Nothing much possible without the car functioning as it should. Could walk or cycle, but the drive to do that isn't really there. I recalled how I enjoyed my walks when I used to pop out to smoke a joint. And often the high would ruin that, as it'd usually be too intense initially and have me feeling physically on edge and wanting to quickly rush home in order to feel slightly less overwhelmed. It was the walks in themselves which tended to be the pleasant experience. But at present I am quite the shut in. I know it needn't be that way, but it has been.
Not driving home during my breaks last week helped. I actually felt less tired, and I was keeping my spending in check by using my cool box and ice packs and eating the food I'd prepared for the day. Same with making a Thermos flask of coffee. I realised I was actually enjoying my breaks more by not driving home. Especially as the drive is 30 mins each way, and only an hour or so spent at home. That extra hour driving really added to the fatigue. Tiredness also felt worse after getting an hour or so to relax at home, as I didn't want to have to head back out again to go back to work. The afternoon and evening used to hit me with quite bad fatigue and drowsiness. Staying in the place I was working helped avoid such intense fatigue, which is a huge plus. I seem to enjoy the time on my own a lot more when I'm working compared with my days off. Perhaps it's because I expect to be lonely on my days off, whereas breaks during my working days are moments amongst many hours spent socialising.
Ed
It's been a set menu on my days off, and I'm sure change is required to get me out of this funk. Music, reading, gaming, instant messaging. I reached out on Reddit to look for new people to talk to. One guy in Cambridge wants to meet to go staffing in a park. I said it'd need to be after my car is fixed, but it's something to follow up which is good. Plus it's a guy, which makes things easier for me. No risk of a friendship leading to a relationship and then breaking the friendship - as has been my pattern a lot in life.
My brief walk to the shop this morning felt nice. Quiet and breezy. Very overcast, and due to get more rain later. I saw someone's Christmas lights around their front door, and it made me think to myself of metaphorical doors which are available in life - if only we look, or are ready to go through them. That thought gave me some hope.
Had a dream last night that my van box had been vandalised, and the paint was peeling off. It was sort of plastic like paint, and I grabbed a snagged section and it peeled and pulled off vast sections of paint, until the whole box was bare metal. In reality it wouldn't be bare metal as it's GRP underneath and that's white. Still, I'm not sure what it symbolised. There was obvious stress in the dream that it was another van issue, along with the fact it had started by an unknown vandal who'd taken it upon themselves to damage my van. When all the paint was removed, I actually felt a sense of calm - like it would be ok regardless. Come to think of it, I had another dream regarding paint damage on the van. Scratches - like marking days or counting something. But the paintwork was vandalised and ruined. A running theme it would seem.
I got into 3 new instant message conversations via Reddit, but they all fizzled out rapidly. 2 of them I knew straight away there was no spark in the back and forth. The 3rd took me until the day after to realise that. I did hear from a couple of friends who proactively messaged me, which is a rarity. It was nice to hear from them, especially one who I hadn't heard from in 9 months. Felt good. I wonder if the same could be said for when I eventually hear from Meg again. Truth is, it's approaching 3 weeks now, and when I think about it, I get angry and resentful.
I suppose I feel calmer this morning. I got a good night's sleep totalling over 9 hours. I messaged the body shop asking if I can drop the van off tomorrow or Thursday. For today, all I need do is tidy my car, and maybe start on my room again, as the detritus accumulates quickly. After I finish writing this I'm going to email HR at work and ask to have the Fri-Sun that I was supposed to be working as holiday, so I don't miss out too much financially on February's pay day. I think it works for both of us. The less future holiday I take, the easier it makes life for the office. So I can't see why they'd refuse.
Been able to talk myself out of impulsivity a lot recently. Mostly revolving around searching that escort website. Seems to happen numerous times a day. Sometimes I talk myself into justifying seeing someone. Truth be told that had been the plan for Thursday anyway, it was only when the car trouble arose that I had to cancel. So me looking at other people to see was born through the depression and isolation I think. There was an impatience to see someone and feel good, to try and temporarily release me from this funk. But knowing the connection and pleasant experience I had with the last escort means that patience is paramount. No sense doing it any differently. Wait and enjoy the experience as and when it happens.
Was quite tempted in the shop by alcohol today. They had my old favourite drink which I used to buy from that shop called Victory Ale. I visualised buying 3 bottles and getting drunk. Thankfully that thought quickly passed. Mind you, from my purchases from the shop it's clear my sugar addiction hasn't abated.
Again, no plans for the day. Nothing much possible without the car functioning as it should. Could walk or cycle, but the drive to do that isn't really there. I recalled how I enjoyed my walks when I used to pop out to smoke a joint. And often the high would ruin that, as it'd usually be too intense initially and have me feeling physically on edge and wanting to quickly rush home in order to feel slightly less overwhelmed. It was the walks in themselves which tended to be the pleasant experience. But at present I am quite the shut in. I know it needn't be that way, but it has been.
Not driving home during my breaks last week helped. I actually felt less tired, and I was keeping my spending in check by using my cool box and ice packs and eating the food I'd prepared for the day. Same with making a Thermos flask of coffee. I realised I was actually enjoying my breaks more by not driving home. Especially as the drive is 30 mins each way, and only an hour or so spent at home. That extra hour driving really added to the fatigue. Tiredness also felt worse after getting an hour or so to relax at home, as I didn't want to have to head back out again to go back to work. The afternoon and evening used to hit me with quite bad fatigue and drowsiness. Staying in the place I was working helped avoid such intense fatigue, which is a huge plus. I seem to enjoy the time on my own a lot more when I'm working compared with my days off. Perhaps it's because I expect to be lonely on my days off, whereas breaks during my working days are moments amongst many hours spent socialising.
Ed
