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Blog entries by Xinyta
I am realizing that my issues with growing up involve a severe case of living in fear. And a compounding issue of self-hatred, along with a delusional belief of others being out to get me. Creating resentment and fear of others.
In this. I have found that being profoundly uncomfortable and...
To start off. I am feeling quite a bit better. Though I have a hard fight ahead.
This fight is me ending my suppression of my own psychosis and other things like my emotions and thoughts. I have to just let go. But also face my thoughts and feelings. Not run from them. And I have been trying...
My resentment, the person in my head, is namely against my Dad. All my hang-ups are because of how I look at Dad. I only resented my stepmother by proxy, because he picked her over me. But he picked work over me, a long time ago.
But by shutting off like I did. I unknowingly played into my...
So. My Dad, who I don't talk to, is visiting tomorrow for both mine and my Uncle's birthday. Even though my Uncle's birthday has since passed.
I know. "He is doing it likely out of guilt. So take it for what it is".
The problem is. I don't want him around. AT ALL. That maybe petty, but I...
It's difficult. But I need to ignore my negativity. I need to ignore my psychosis. The delusions I have all the time, are not real. I just need to remind myself that I can beat this.
My issue with memory is purely this psychosis. Namely because I generally stop caring about anything when I have...
I really am seeing how difficult it is to be positive when I have the mindset that 'I'll always be kicked down for trying or doing or being'.
I am thinking this has to do with way more than how my stepmother treated me. And alot more than Dad being absent as a father. Just due to my worldview...
I've been off my anxiety meds a few days. I've noticed that my leveled out stress and anxiety haven't changed, since being off.
Either that means the meds helped alot. Or it was all a delusion, and the meds helped in the form of a placebo effect.
If my whole thing with intense stress and...
I have posted before about possibly having GAD. But I've yo-yoed with the topic in my head, about if I have it or not.
Lately. There is no denying that I have it or at least some kind of anxiety disorder. I have anxiety about nearly everything. Even if it's mild anxiety. It's always waiting in...
I am facing emotions I haven't faced since childhood. Feeling a great distress and sadness about my own fears being more than me as a person. Calling it conditioning, is just addressing it at a surface level.
This is full blown emotional brokeness. I shut myself off emotionally and mentally...
Lately. I have been working on figuring myself out. It's a two fold mission.
First. I need to discover and clarify why I have stuck myself mentally, like I have. Which I have been doing. Picking apart my own actions and behaviors in my darker periods. As well as picking apart what I've done, or...
I am without many words lately. Confused once more about how to continue. I have answers to my own behaviors. Yet I am lost to what is next.
I can focus. Yet I still have issues with it, which remains to confuse me. I know, yet the desire to try isn't always there. Making me question why? Why...
I feel my mindset is now on a far better path, than it was. Things do not stress me like they use to. The fears, delusions, hallucinations, and paranoia are about fully gone.
Though I think what helped spur this extra push on my journey, is the fact that I put an extra effort into limiting...
I have thought I can be rational, and I find I can be alot. But maybe late nights don't help. I feel a sense of wanting to be agressive or passive agressive in posts when I feel like my posts are being ripped apart.
Though the reality is that perception is a lie. No one is really doing that...
I am obsessed with what I am doing wrong and that I am a endless failure, when I surcome to my delusions and general negativity. Doubts set in. I start wanting to sit and ruminate on everything I am doing wrong. Even mistakes, or not paying attention will just be added on.
I beat on myself so...
The title kinda sounds like the start to some self-aware joke. I wish I could say that it is... it's not.
I have been looking at behavior patterns with myself. The things I do and how I behave in the worst moments. It all wreaks of attention seeking. But like, juvenile attention seeking. All...
I think I am stuck on mental auto-pilot as far as trying to live. The auto-pilot is survival or maybe, more specifically, existing. No matter if I am in a bad situation or not, I treat it as a bad situation by default. And just go through my habitual motions. Ignoring reality and life.
I am now...
I had a not so great day today. I froze up, stared into space, and just shut off. Even though there was a task to do today. A few of them in fact.
Fix the disk fixture that holds the lightbulb, in the garage.
Help with trimming the bushes and cleaning up.
I did neither. I shut off and shut...
I know I have always talked like humanity is something to be apart of. Yet I have days where I question that notion. Question if I truly belong.
Do I even belong on this forum?
Do I belong anywhere?
I feel like the only place I belong, is in my own darkness. Hidden from the world and living...
You know. I always mention how there are clues in our wording, when we are down on ourselves. Yet, I have never applied it to myself. I know I'll not figure it about by stewing on it, yet I internalize it anyway.
I feel I must look at all I've written down and see if there are patterns I can...
I have started looking into the idea of a dual layered system. Masking and a psychological defense bubble. Entities on thier own serving thier psychological purposes for different things. It's a work in progress, but I have dubbed this idea the 'Super Sheild Theory'.
I will most likely have...