I'm not blogging anywhere near as often as I used to. This morning I felt the urge to write, and it's only now, in the late afternoon that I figured I'd sit down and get started. Not that I haven't been sat in front of my computer all day as usual - because I have.
Went through some new music first thing, found this tune, quite a nice synthy number:
Work has been keeping me busy. But I now get 2 days off a week. There was a fair amount of back n forth between the office and me before that became a regular thing in my working week. But I was honest with my working limits, as I didn't sign the waiver to do more than 48 hours in a week. I can sympathise with the co-ordinators in the office though - I've had to do similar planning jobs, and if someone is sick, or a change happens, it can mess up part of your entire rota/workload. Hence why I said I'd work yesterday morning, even with a stinking cold. As trying to arrange cover for a full day that starts around 06:30 is a huge headache. But if you only have to find someone to cover half a day starting around 3pm - that's a lot better.
Said cold began on my first of 3 days off last week - a simple sore throat that evolved into congestion on the 4th day, which was my first of 3 days back to work. On the 2nd day at work it peaked - and I rang in sick at around 4am. Working from 06:30 until 13:00 was rough. The cold felt worse as the day progressed, and by the end I had a thumping headache, neck and muscular pains, along with a very sore throat and a feeling like someone was sat on my chest. Coughing up greenish/grey phlegm and sweating profusely. I had done a COVID test that morning which came back negative.
Wearing a mask throughout the visits was tough, I also stuffed tissue paper up my nose to prevent my nose dripping like a broken tap. Mouth breathing, whilst doing lots of hands on work, sweating profusely and struggling to breath in 32C heat was quite a feat. I made sure I drank and ate enough but it wasn't really making much of a difference. I profusely thanked the co-ordinator and carer who pitched in to help out yesterday, and today - which I also took off.
Soon as I got home yesterday I went to sleep and got just over 5 hours. Felt marginally better for it when I woke up, and sat down to play some more No Man's Sky. I began a new character on my first day off last week and have gamed a lot since then on my days off.
I continue to feel isolated and I notice low mood increases on my days off. When I'm at work I'm helping other people and kept so busy that I don't have time to feel low. I notice an improved mood - but I obviously can't work a 7 day week in order to keep depression at bay. I bumped into Marcus a few times in the village shop. He's the guy who's big into drinking and nursed a cocaine habit for many decades. A nice guy, but a very intense energy, and one of the local people I distanced myself from hanging out with. I still haven't seen Guy since that visit with me and Meg late in summer 2022. Haven't seen Meg since mid-January of this year either. As for Jack - the 4th person I stopped talking to who lives in the village next door - I've seen him in passing whilst driving a few times. Given him a wave, but nothing more.
Few weeks back I bumped into Aldan. He's one of the few local people I really get on well with and don't find exhausting. Last time I'd seen him was Christmas Eve 2021. We caught up, I showed him Boxanne, and his wifed showed up towards the end of our chat. Before Christmas Eve I'd done my fire staffing at his wedding back in August 2021. I realised even though I've only seen him sporadically over the years, it hasn't changed our friendship. Which made me ponder me and Meg some more. Whilst I still don't feel ready to meet with her in person yet, I guess it helped me take stock of how needy I'd been with regards to me and her talking regularly, and how delayed her responses often felt.
I'd told her I was struggling with the current friendship dynamic about a month ago. She was understanding and kind, but reiterrated that she doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, and until I'm ready to meet in person - she will continue to remain distant when talking online. Not instigating conversations much and such like. Which I understood and resented in equal measures truth be told.
It's been a year single, and I still feel nowhere closer to being ready or feeling capable to date again. Most clients ask if I have a girlfriend, wife or children. Many seem surprised when I say I'm single. But the people I care for see the best version of me. I'm super polite and helpful at work, even moreso in a carer capacity, and in people facing work. My politeness and helpfulness is always at optimal efficiency. It's why I win over everyone I work with. Care work is honestly the best suited job for a people pleaser such as myself. Thankfully I'm learning to set healthy boundaries with the office when they ask if I can take on more hours at short notice. I guess not talking to the aforementioned local friends is also me setting up healthier boundaries.
Once the van is ready to sleep in, I guess that's the next boundary. Having my own space, not being around my parents - and having my own space and pace of life in my free time. The project has been delayed and gone vastly over budget, but it's still on track for completion. I haven't given up on it, even though at times it's made me feel anxious, worn out and fiancially exhausted. Tomorrow I'm driving the van to the paint shop to arrive at 1pm. It's about a 15 minute drive, and the first proper drive I've taken in the van in about 4 months. It always worries me slightly as it's had various issues, along with being stood for a long time. Mind you - every issue encountered has been fixed as quickly as I was able to afford it.
When the paint and rust is sorted, I'll contact the plumber who fitted my parents new water tank recently. Ask him to plumb in the gas to the cooker. Simple run of copper pipe. Nothing major, but I'd rather a registered gas engineer did the job. After that I buy the mattress and then I can start spending nights in the van. Due to the nature of my job, I can't be in the van full time - as the van is too big for commuting with work, and I also cover around 1500 miles a month for work. Eventually a dedicated work car is in order, and I'm still convinced a car with fold flat rear seats is the best choice. Tinted windows in the back and an air mattress so I can rest properly during my breaks at work. Snoozing, or simply parking up somwhere quiet to chill out for a few hours.
Got the quote for the van electrics. The overall cost to get the final bit finished including labour and a night heater will be around £6000. Which means the project might be finished by early spring 2024. Living in a Spartan van with minimal facilities initially will help me to appreciate the finished project. Mind you, after that I need to save up for the 7.5 tonne driver's license, and eventually replace the fibre glass roof with aluminium. I also need to uprate the max load of the van, and save up for a motorbike and motorcycle license, plus buying a different car for work. Realistically my finances are planned out for the next 3 or 4 years. That is to get all the above done plus be out of debt.
Quite exhausting, as it'd be nice to be able to afford yoga, therapy and massage again. Outside of food and the occasional music purchase the only therapeutic thing I have is the occasional visit to an escort. I figure it's kind of therapeutic in it's own right. Not just from a sexual release perspective, but also because the intimacy and the deep conversations afterwards are very calming for me. I met one local woman who was older, but the conversation after (as always) was wonderful. She suffers with CPTSD and as I've read several books and numerous online articles about it, we had much to talk about. In fact she ran quite a bit over the 1 hour appointment to chat, and she told me she'd save my number and hoped to see me in the future.
I met a different escort last month, but that was further away. When I got there she didn't reply to texts or my calls for an hour. In the end I started to make my way home. I text her saying I had to go and hoped she was alright. She ended up texting me when I was driving. I turned round and we ended up meeting. She was really beautiful, and ticked a lot of boxes for me in terms of what I find attractive. When I was waiting in the bedroom she turned up with her friend and it turned into a threesome. Personally, I found it a bit too busy. Also it meant the conversation afterwards was more than 1 person, and whilst it was enjoyable, it was all a bit too much for me. But the sexual experience I had with the escort I'd arranged to meet was one of the best I've had with anyone I've dated, or any of the escorts I've met. So I figure I'll see her again next month, but politely ask if it can just be us 2.
Truth be told, once my projects are done and I'm debt free I'd have an obscene amount of spare money per month. But that feels like it's so far away. Besides, once it's all done I'd then want to start saving up to buy my own piece of land. However, the annual gravel trust cheque I get is set to increase dramatically in a few years. At present it sits around £2250 every May or June. So next years could potentially pay for one of the licenses I wish to acquire, and a decent chunk towards the second license. Once it goes up by the conservative of x5 - then I'll be able to get a good amount of things done once a year. After the above is done, I can then put away a good chunk of change each year to add to ongoing savings. Only issue is that it'll mess up my tax code. Still, that's only a minor inconvenience when I consider that I'll have around 10 years of these payments, and the total amount would be enough to get a piece of land and obtain the planning permission to keep the van parked up, and then onto the final plan of building a small home and keep some animals.
Ed
Went through some new music first thing, found this tune, quite a nice synthy number:
Work has been keeping me busy. But I now get 2 days off a week. There was a fair amount of back n forth between the office and me before that became a regular thing in my working week. But I was honest with my working limits, as I didn't sign the waiver to do more than 48 hours in a week. I can sympathise with the co-ordinators in the office though - I've had to do similar planning jobs, and if someone is sick, or a change happens, it can mess up part of your entire rota/workload. Hence why I said I'd work yesterday morning, even with a stinking cold. As trying to arrange cover for a full day that starts around 06:30 is a huge headache. But if you only have to find someone to cover half a day starting around 3pm - that's a lot better.
Said cold began on my first of 3 days off last week - a simple sore throat that evolved into congestion on the 4th day, which was my first of 3 days back to work. On the 2nd day at work it peaked - and I rang in sick at around 4am. Working from 06:30 until 13:00 was rough. The cold felt worse as the day progressed, and by the end I had a thumping headache, neck and muscular pains, along with a very sore throat and a feeling like someone was sat on my chest. Coughing up greenish/grey phlegm and sweating profusely. I had done a COVID test that morning which came back negative.
Wearing a mask throughout the visits was tough, I also stuffed tissue paper up my nose to prevent my nose dripping like a broken tap. Mouth breathing, whilst doing lots of hands on work, sweating profusely and struggling to breath in 32C heat was quite a feat. I made sure I drank and ate enough but it wasn't really making much of a difference. I profusely thanked the co-ordinator and carer who pitched in to help out yesterday, and today - which I also took off.
Soon as I got home yesterday I went to sleep and got just over 5 hours. Felt marginally better for it when I woke up, and sat down to play some more No Man's Sky. I began a new character on my first day off last week and have gamed a lot since then on my days off.
I continue to feel isolated and I notice low mood increases on my days off. When I'm at work I'm helping other people and kept so busy that I don't have time to feel low. I notice an improved mood - but I obviously can't work a 7 day week in order to keep depression at bay. I bumped into Marcus a few times in the village shop. He's the guy who's big into drinking and nursed a cocaine habit for many decades. A nice guy, but a very intense energy, and one of the local people I distanced myself from hanging out with. I still haven't seen Guy since that visit with me and Meg late in summer 2022. Haven't seen Meg since mid-January of this year either. As for Jack - the 4th person I stopped talking to who lives in the village next door - I've seen him in passing whilst driving a few times. Given him a wave, but nothing more.
Few weeks back I bumped into Aldan. He's one of the few local people I really get on well with and don't find exhausting. Last time I'd seen him was Christmas Eve 2021. We caught up, I showed him Boxanne, and his wifed showed up towards the end of our chat. Before Christmas Eve I'd done my fire staffing at his wedding back in August 2021. I realised even though I've only seen him sporadically over the years, it hasn't changed our friendship. Which made me ponder me and Meg some more. Whilst I still don't feel ready to meet with her in person yet, I guess it helped me take stock of how needy I'd been with regards to me and her talking regularly, and how delayed her responses often felt.
I'd told her I was struggling with the current friendship dynamic about a month ago. She was understanding and kind, but reiterrated that she doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, and until I'm ready to meet in person - she will continue to remain distant when talking online. Not instigating conversations much and such like. Which I understood and resented in equal measures truth be told.
It's been a year single, and I still feel nowhere closer to being ready or feeling capable to date again. Most clients ask if I have a girlfriend, wife or children. Many seem surprised when I say I'm single. But the people I care for see the best version of me. I'm super polite and helpful at work, even moreso in a carer capacity, and in people facing work. My politeness and helpfulness is always at optimal efficiency. It's why I win over everyone I work with. Care work is honestly the best suited job for a people pleaser such as myself. Thankfully I'm learning to set healthy boundaries with the office when they ask if I can take on more hours at short notice. I guess not talking to the aforementioned local friends is also me setting up healthier boundaries.
Once the van is ready to sleep in, I guess that's the next boundary. Having my own space, not being around my parents - and having my own space and pace of life in my free time. The project has been delayed and gone vastly over budget, but it's still on track for completion. I haven't given up on it, even though at times it's made me feel anxious, worn out and fiancially exhausted. Tomorrow I'm driving the van to the paint shop to arrive at 1pm. It's about a 15 minute drive, and the first proper drive I've taken in the van in about 4 months. It always worries me slightly as it's had various issues, along with being stood for a long time. Mind you - every issue encountered has been fixed as quickly as I was able to afford it.
When the paint and rust is sorted, I'll contact the plumber who fitted my parents new water tank recently. Ask him to plumb in the gas to the cooker. Simple run of copper pipe. Nothing major, but I'd rather a registered gas engineer did the job. After that I buy the mattress and then I can start spending nights in the van. Due to the nature of my job, I can't be in the van full time - as the van is too big for commuting with work, and I also cover around 1500 miles a month for work. Eventually a dedicated work car is in order, and I'm still convinced a car with fold flat rear seats is the best choice. Tinted windows in the back and an air mattress so I can rest properly during my breaks at work. Snoozing, or simply parking up somwhere quiet to chill out for a few hours.
Got the quote for the van electrics. The overall cost to get the final bit finished including labour and a night heater will be around £6000. Which means the project might be finished by early spring 2024. Living in a Spartan van with minimal facilities initially will help me to appreciate the finished project. Mind you, after that I need to save up for the 7.5 tonne driver's license, and eventually replace the fibre glass roof with aluminium. I also need to uprate the max load of the van, and save up for a motorbike and motorcycle license, plus buying a different car for work. Realistically my finances are planned out for the next 3 or 4 years. That is to get all the above done plus be out of debt.
Quite exhausting, as it'd be nice to be able to afford yoga, therapy and massage again. Outside of food and the occasional music purchase the only therapeutic thing I have is the occasional visit to an escort. I figure it's kind of therapeutic in it's own right. Not just from a sexual release perspective, but also because the intimacy and the deep conversations afterwards are very calming for me. I met one local woman who was older, but the conversation after (as always) was wonderful. She suffers with CPTSD and as I've read several books and numerous online articles about it, we had much to talk about. In fact she ran quite a bit over the 1 hour appointment to chat, and she told me she'd save my number and hoped to see me in the future.
I met a different escort last month, but that was further away. When I got there she didn't reply to texts or my calls for an hour. In the end I started to make my way home. I text her saying I had to go and hoped she was alright. She ended up texting me when I was driving. I turned round and we ended up meeting. She was really beautiful, and ticked a lot of boxes for me in terms of what I find attractive. When I was waiting in the bedroom she turned up with her friend and it turned into a threesome. Personally, I found it a bit too busy. Also it meant the conversation afterwards was more than 1 person, and whilst it was enjoyable, it was all a bit too much for me. But the sexual experience I had with the escort I'd arranged to meet was one of the best I've had with anyone I've dated, or any of the escorts I've met. So I figure I'll see her again next month, but politely ask if it can just be us 2.
Truth be told, once my projects are done and I'm debt free I'd have an obscene amount of spare money per month. But that feels like it's so far away. Besides, once it's all done I'd then want to start saving up to buy my own piece of land. However, the annual gravel trust cheque I get is set to increase dramatically in a few years. At present it sits around £2250 every May or June. So next years could potentially pay for one of the licenses I wish to acquire, and a decent chunk towards the second license. Once it goes up by the conservative of x5 - then I'll be able to get a good amount of things done once a year. After the above is done, I can then put away a good chunk of change each year to add to ongoing savings. Only issue is that it'll mess up my tax code. Still, that's only a minor inconvenience when I consider that I'll have around 10 years of these payments, and the total amount would be enough to get a piece of land and obtain the planning permission to keep the van parked up, and then onto the final plan of building a small home and keep some animals.
Ed
