1487 days alcohol free, 13 days tobacco free, 7 days weed free.
Today is my only full day off this week. I had to contact work about my hours again, as 48 is my legal limit and I keep being given a lot more. This week it's 63.75 on the rota, but the actual time spent away from home will more likely be 75+ hours. I'm very tired and quite frustrated. When I saw I had 57.5 hours next week I knew straight away - enough is enough. Thankfully, the boss got it sorted within an hour, and now I have 50 hours next week and 3 days off. But I spoke with this boss 5 weeks ago to address this issue, and every week since they've given me way over 50 hours. The weeks where I was closer to 48 they'd ring me up with the usual sob story to get me to work more hours, and being a people pleaser I find it very hard to say no. But in my fatigue and frustration now, I'm not sure I'll even bother answering the phone to them anymore.
Christmas Day was quite depressing at work, but the meal with my parents at home had some good conversation which was nice. I felt down during the day, but a little better in the evening. On Boxing Day I felt extremely low, and working in the evening did nothing to distract.
Today I've been isolated, shut away in my room. I know it doesn't help - but with winter, and no money, and having distanced myself from virtually all my local addict friends; there isn't much I can think of doing. Music, reading, bit of gaming - that's about it.
The next 5 days are full days, 15+ hours away from home each day. 75+ hours across 5 days is certainly going to keep me busy. Not sure what my 3 days off will entail. I have Tuesday to Thursday off next week. That was the week I'd planned to see that escort again. It's the only thing I have to look forward to next month.
The car continues to misbehave. My dad recommended I take it to an official Hyundai dealership and get them to run a diagnostic, as the mechanic over the road only has 3rd party software. I joined a Hyundai forum and someone agreed with the mechanic thinking possibly it's the catalytic converter to blame, and to unplug the front O2 sensor to see if it resolves the lack of power under 2000RPM, if it does then a new cat would possibly be required. It's all money I don't have.
One perk of having 3 days off means not using much petrol, although if I go see the escort that's nearly a 50 mile round trip. So that cancels that out. I've been doing a little better with not spending money. It still happens, but it's only been small bits here and there. Although in total this month it still probably amounts to £100 of spending when I simply have none to spare, and it just puts me deeper into my overdraft. I'll be nearing minus £1800 in my overdraft by the end of the month. On payday and into January it'll end up being anywhere between minus £600-1000+. All depends on how much the car costs to fix. I'd intended to get the follow up repairs from the service done. 2 new tyres, which I can get on a website which allows PayPal 3 installment payment. Also I need new rear brake discs and pads apparently. Not sure I can really wing another month of the power issue on the car though.
In my desparation I put down £35 on the National Lottery website. I won a few times but the total amount kept going down until I was left with nothing. Not sure why I ever bother using that site. Thankfully I will only put down 1 amount every month or 2, and when it all goes I don't put any more money down. Still, I am quite desparate for a salvation fantasy to get me out of debt.
Realistically I have 65 days until I'll be in a positive balance with my bank. It's not terribly far to go, but it feels like it. Friend of mine recommended a Vit D lamp, but they're stupidly overpriced and risk skin cancer. I've never been on board with supplements. Besides, my cereal has Vit D enrichment and I feel no better for having eaten that for several years.
Feeling incredibly lonely at the moment. Online socialising feels hollow. I've been more proactive on dating sites trying to find new people to talk to - but nothing is occurring. A few scattered conversations with some online friends, but not much noteworthy. I continue to barely get any replies from Meg anymore. When I was with Hayley it felt like a non-issue. But now I'm back to feeling quite resentful towards her and several other friends I know who are unresponsive. Makes me think there's no point wasting anymore energy or frustration on them. I've accumulated a lot of "friends" who can take weeks or months to reply, and I'm fed up with it.
Apart from 1 local friend, everyone else I've severed ties with as I found them to be emotional vampires to be around. Mind you, the loneliness has been profound for most of my adult life. So it's not like I expect any radical changes in that area. Plus, with working so many hours in my job, I don't have much drive or energy to do anything in my free time. Occasionally I have some socially proactive days off, but it just leaves me feeling even more exhausted, plus it always involves spending X amount of money which I don't have.
I emailed the van place and asked them to send me the components list. I sincerely doubt I could save up money to buy it all in one, and it'd be easier for me to get things piecemeal. If spare money is there, the temptation for impulse purchases is bad, and on a bad day I could end up taking a huge chunk out of my savings.
Another thing I need to try and do is stop going home on my lunch breaks, as it uses up way too much extra fuel, simply to have an hour or so at home to unwind. But it's preferable to sitting in the car for several hours twiddling my thumbs. Again, the drive isn't really there to be proactive. Walking or staffing or going to a library etc. I just want to go home and be left alone for an hour or so.
I guess when I take a step back from what I've described above, it's quite clear I'm burnt out. My tank feels quite empty, and depression and loneliness is very bad right now. The fact I've got 5 full days imbound feels like too much to process. I know I'll get through it, but that's not the point. You can only keep pushing so far until something has to give.
I know that sobriety and all that is positive and good, but at present it's making my mental health feel a lot worse.
Ed
Today is my only full day off this week. I had to contact work about my hours again, as 48 is my legal limit and I keep being given a lot more. This week it's 63.75 on the rota, but the actual time spent away from home will more likely be 75+ hours. I'm very tired and quite frustrated. When I saw I had 57.5 hours next week I knew straight away - enough is enough. Thankfully, the boss got it sorted within an hour, and now I have 50 hours next week and 3 days off. But I spoke with this boss 5 weeks ago to address this issue, and every week since they've given me way over 50 hours. The weeks where I was closer to 48 they'd ring me up with the usual sob story to get me to work more hours, and being a people pleaser I find it very hard to say no. But in my fatigue and frustration now, I'm not sure I'll even bother answering the phone to them anymore.
Christmas Day was quite depressing at work, but the meal with my parents at home had some good conversation which was nice. I felt down during the day, but a little better in the evening. On Boxing Day I felt extremely low, and working in the evening did nothing to distract.
Today I've been isolated, shut away in my room. I know it doesn't help - but with winter, and no money, and having distanced myself from virtually all my local addict friends; there isn't much I can think of doing. Music, reading, bit of gaming - that's about it.
The next 5 days are full days, 15+ hours away from home each day. 75+ hours across 5 days is certainly going to keep me busy. Not sure what my 3 days off will entail. I have Tuesday to Thursday off next week. That was the week I'd planned to see that escort again. It's the only thing I have to look forward to next month.
The car continues to misbehave. My dad recommended I take it to an official Hyundai dealership and get them to run a diagnostic, as the mechanic over the road only has 3rd party software. I joined a Hyundai forum and someone agreed with the mechanic thinking possibly it's the catalytic converter to blame, and to unplug the front O2 sensor to see if it resolves the lack of power under 2000RPM, if it does then a new cat would possibly be required. It's all money I don't have.
One perk of having 3 days off means not using much petrol, although if I go see the escort that's nearly a 50 mile round trip. So that cancels that out. I've been doing a little better with not spending money. It still happens, but it's only been small bits here and there. Although in total this month it still probably amounts to £100 of spending when I simply have none to spare, and it just puts me deeper into my overdraft. I'll be nearing minus £1800 in my overdraft by the end of the month. On payday and into January it'll end up being anywhere between minus £600-1000+. All depends on how much the car costs to fix. I'd intended to get the follow up repairs from the service done. 2 new tyres, which I can get on a website which allows PayPal 3 installment payment. Also I need new rear brake discs and pads apparently. Not sure I can really wing another month of the power issue on the car though.
In my desparation I put down £35 on the National Lottery website. I won a few times but the total amount kept going down until I was left with nothing. Not sure why I ever bother using that site. Thankfully I will only put down 1 amount every month or 2, and when it all goes I don't put any more money down. Still, I am quite desparate for a salvation fantasy to get me out of debt.
Realistically I have 65 days until I'll be in a positive balance with my bank. It's not terribly far to go, but it feels like it. Friend of mine recommended a Vit D lamp, but they're stupidly overpriced and risk skin cancer. I've never been on board with supplements. Besides, my cereal has Vit D enrichment and I feel no better for having eaten that for several years.
Feeling incredibly lonely at the moment. Online socialising feels hollow. I've been more proactive on dating sites trying to find new people to talk to - but nothing is occurring. A few scattered conversations with some online friends, but not much noteworthy. I continue to barely get any replies from Meg anymore. When I was with Hayley it felt like a non-issue. But now I'm back to feeling quite resentful towards her and several other friends I know who are unresponsive. Makes me think there's no point wasting anymore energy or frustration on them. I've accumulated a lot of "friends" who can take weeks or months to reply, and I'm fed up with it.
Apart from 1 local friend, everyone else I've severed ties with as I found them to be emotional vampires to be around. Mind you, the loneliness has been profound for most of my adult life. So it's not like I expect any radical changes in that area. Plus, with working so many hours in my job, I don't have much drive or energy to do anything in my free time. Occasionally I have some socially proactive days off, but it just leaves me feeling even more exhausted, plus it always involves spending X amount of money which I don't have.
I emailed the van place and asked them to send me the components list. I sincerely doubt I could save up money to buy it all in one, and it'd be easier for me to get things piecemeal. If spare money is there, the temptation for impulse purchases is bad, and on a bad day I could end up taking a huge chunk out of my savings.
Another thing I need to try and do is stop going home on my lunch breaks, as it uses up way too much extra fuel, simply to have an hour or so at home to unwind. But it's preferable to sitting in the car for several hours twiddling my thumbs. Again, the drive isn't really there to be proactive. Walking or staffing or going to a library etc. I just want to go home and be left alone for an hour or so.
I guess when I take a step back from what I've described above, it's quite clear I'm burnt out. My tank feels quite empty, and depression and loneliness is very bad right now. The fact I've got 5 full days imbound feels like too much to process. I know I'll get through it, but that's not the point. You can only keep pushing so far until something has to give.
I know that sobriety and all that is positive and good, but at present it's making my mental health feel a lot worse.
Ed
