YOU ARE MY LAST CHANCE - I'm lost. Please, help :(

[noticemesenpai]

Hi guys, I'm new to this forum and I think this is my last hope trying to make my relationship work. I'm 25, I have anxiety and depression and am dating a man with Aspergers for 3 and a half years now. He is the smartest, most amazing person I've know in my life. I love and admire him a lot and don't want to hurt or push him away from me, but the last few months have been a nightmare.

We moved in together in April. I wanted us to have financial stability before doing so, and (after me been very resistant and wanting him to be responsible, sure and realistic of what was really going to happen) he convinced me that he was going to make enough (a lot of) money when he started to work as a lawyer at this office - first month was ok, BUT it turned out he wouldn't have a fix date to get his money every month and it was a very new and unorganized group of people running it.
Long story short: He convinced me of something he wasn't really sure (he could have asked and talked to people that knew what that job was really about and be responsible like I asked him, but he didn't), we've rented an apartment and now we are in the exact position I was trying to avoid: having to ask my parents money and not been able to even buy minimal furniture without help (we only got a table this week because my father paid for it - we were eating on the sofa/bed/office table that I had before moving in).

I thought he could be organized and make mature decisions by himself for us, I thought I could trust him on this. He asked me to and I did, and now we are f*&ˆ%d. He's very stressed and depressed about all this and hates his job (but I think he blames other people and not himself). This keeps happening in other small things, like, he buys stuff without looking at the price or gets excited about some game or something we don't really need/can afford right now and buys it without talking to me. Anyways... I feel like I'm a mom with a little kid that I have to prevent from messing around while I try to fix everything by myself. We had big fights about this and it's little by little getting better, but I still feel "betrayed" because this is not what I wanted at all.

Besides the money problems, now that he is stressed and sad, he pays less attention to me and is more and more egoistic and egocentric. Every time I bring it up he says he doesn't see it and that he is trying his best, is not that I don't believe him, I just don't feel it. I want to feel loved and that he's taking care of me, but almost everyday there's something he does that makes me sad or offends me, like he doesn't think about me before he does stuff. He gets defensive and victimizes himself instead of trying to comfort me or understand were I'm coming from. And it's almost every time about things we have already talked about over and over again.

I am very direct and say everything I think and feel because I know aspies have difficulties but it's like he wants me to give "magical" solutions that I just can't give, somethings are not that simple, and I don't want to "train" my bf like a dog... I'm desperate at this point. Yesterday he did something that we've talked so much about before (we've already had big fights this and I even cried, was very direct and almost mean saying he just can't do it because it really hurts me) and I just couldn't... I just shut down and didn't talk to him for the rest of the day... I'm soooo very very tired. I don't have anything more to say... I'm getting very easily angry and am treating him bad because of the smallest things, I'm at my limit and it's not fair to me or him. I don't know what to do to make him understand me. I'm getting more anxious and I'm feeling very sad. Even if we decided to break up, we have the money issue, I don't want to go back to my parents because we have a terrible relationship when we are living together and I can't afford the rent on my own...

I'm positive he is the love of my life, but at this point I just don't know if I can do it. I'm lacking patience and tolerance... I don't want him to hate me and I don't want to hate him. Please, I really need some advice (I already go to a psychiatrist). Thank you.


P.S.: English is not my first language, sorry.

 

[Judge]

Are we to understand he's a lawyer in a partnership, or merely an employee? If he's an employee it makes no sense to me that he should be compensated in such a haphazard way. Although I must assume neither of you reside in the US. Seems to me the best resolve is for him to find work elsewhere, short of having to break any contractual agreements.

TBH, a lawyer without executive functioning skills such as personal finance ...that sounds scary in itself.

Unfortunately I don't see anything here that focuses so much on your neurological differences. Money can disrupt or potentially destroy any relationship. It sounds like the most pragmatic thing he could do is to seek employment elsewhere with a steady income.

 

[garnetflower13]

How long is your lease on the apartment for? Maybe you could live apart, take a step backward in the relationship so to speak.

 

[noticemesenpai]

Are we to understand he's a lawyer in a partnership, or merely an employee? If he's an employee it makes no sense to me that he should be compensated in such a haphazard way. Although I must assume neither of you reside in the US. Seems to me the best resolve is for him to find work elsewhere, short of having to break any contractual agreements.

TBH, a lawyer without executive functioning skills such as personal finance ...that sounds scary in itself.

Unfortunately I don't see anything here that focuses so much on your neurological differences. Money can disrupt or potentially destroy any relationship. It sounds like the most pragmatic thing he could do is to seek employment elsewhere with a steady income.

It's a partnership in a labor union. We are from Brazil, I didn't focused in explaining about his job because I know it can be very different in other countries. He wants to be a professor but he needs a masters degree first. He can't quit before finding something else and as he just graduated it's gonna be very hard to find something. For now, it's not an option.
I actually talked about our neurological differences later in the post. The job thing was more like an exemple of his lack of awareness and communication with people around him that it's resulting in bad decisions. The worst part is really what I talk about in the last paragraph, how more egocentric he has become (not in a mean way, just unaware of others) and it's really hurting me. I try to communicate the best I can but it's not working.

 

[Judge]

It's a partnership in a labor union. We are from Brazil, I didn't focused in explaining about his job because I know it can be very different in other countries. He wants to be a professor but he needs a masters degree first. He can't quit before finding something else and as he just graduated it's gonna be very hard to find something. For now, it's not an option.
I actually talked about our neurological differences later in the post. The job thing was more like an example of his lack of awareness and communication with people around him that it's resulting in bad decisions. The worst part is really what I talk about in the last paragraph, how more egocentric he has become (not in a mean way, just unaware of others) and it's really hurting me. I try to communicate the best I can but it's not working.

Brazil. I see. That complicates it all that much more. I can see where you are coming from. With a crippling recession it horrendously impacts job opportunities.

Yes, being on the spectrum can make us appear myopic and egocentric in any number of ways. But then the stresses of his job may be taking over all other priorities in his life as well. Money and work concerns certainly take their toll on myself.

 

[noticemesenpai]

How long is your lease on the apartment for? Maybe you could live apart, take a step backward in the relationship so to speak.

30 months. Yeah, I thought about it, but, like I said, I don't think I can afford this alone neither can him. I think I'm gonna ask him to stay with his parents for at least a week, just to have some time by myself. I don't know if he's gonna want to do that though, I've brought up for us taking a break but he said for him this means it's over. That he doesn't "believe" in breaks, we're together or we're not. I think he is very insecure because he sees a lot of our friends cheating and thinks this may happen because is "normal" (like, if we are on a break, I'll cheat).

 

[noticemesenpai]

Brazil. I see. That complicates it all that much more. I can see where you are coming from. With a crippling recession it horrendously impacts job opportunities.

Yes, being on the spectrum can make us appear myopic and egocentric in any number of ways. But then the stresses of his job may be taking over all other priorities in his life as well. Money and work concerns certainly take their toll on myself.

Exactly. He was always like that but he was improving so much since I first met him. Now it's like he doesn't have a memory anymore, I don't know... He's very distracted. I'm sure is because of the stress but there's anyway I can help him? I just don't think it's fair for me to deal with his lack of care and I don't think it's fair for him to deal with my frustration and angriness. We're already in a bad place and are hurting each other even more.

 

[Judge]

Exactly. He was always like that but he was improving so much since I first met him. Now it's like he doesn't have a memory anymore, I don't know... He's very distracted. I'm sure is because of the stress but there's anyway I can help him? I just don't think it's fair for me to deal with his lack of care and I don't think it's fair for him to deal with my frustration and angriness. We're already in a bad place and are hurting each other even more.

Yes, I'm inclined to believe that this situation he's in at work it totally occupying his mind to where he may not be able to balance his relationship or even much of anything else.

I realize under these circumstances that giving up such a job might not be in his interest, but sometimes you might be in a situation where you discover that work is like a "black hole", destroying every facet of your life outside of work. That sometimes it's job you have to give up to make everything else work as it should.

 

[garnetflower13]

30 months. Yeah, I thought about it, but, like I said, I don't think I can afford this alone neither can him. I think I'm gonna ask him to stay with his parents for at least a week, just to have some time by myself. I don't know if he's gonna want to do that though, I've brought up for us taking a break but he said for him this means it's over. That he doesn't "believe" in breaks, we're together or we're not. I think he is very insecure because he sees a lot of our friends cheating and thinks this may happen because is "normal" (like, if we are on a break, I'll cheat).

Thirty months is a long time! Here in the States a year is usually the norm. A break would certainly do you good, but if he is scared that you are over while taking time out, he isn't going to go for that. What a dilemma! Wish I could be more helpful...

 

[midlife aspie]

How big is your apartment? Is it possible to have separate rooms? Perhaps a partition separating a single room? Would it be possible for you to work, go to college, or volunteer somewhere in such a way as to be absent on most days when he is home (ie: working second shift while he works first)? Your English is very good by the way. I know these things are compromises, but they might allow you to have your own time for yourself.

 

[Cali Cat]

One thing I hear you saying is that you want him to be responsible and "take care" of you. That isn't an unreasonable request for a woman to have of a man; however, this may not be possible for your particular man.

You describe your man in ways that lead me to believe you may always have to steer the course for the two of you. You need to ask yourself first if you want to do this for a lifetime, and also whether you are emotionally capable of doing it. You may in fact want, but it sounds as though it's making you miserable.

In my relationship with the man I love, I had to come to terms with the fact that I will be the leader, and I will have to keep him on a short leash financially. He is not capable of making even the simplest of decisions for the both of us. It's not like he screws up all the time, but he's too impulsive.

I decided I love him enough to handle everything myself and watch over him (i.e. take care of him). I still don't know if I'm capable, but at least in accepting that this is how it will be, I am no longer feeling resentment towards him about it. I realize this is just how he is, it's part of the package ... like it or not.

Perhaps you need to examine your own needs and be brutally honest with yourself about what you need to be happy, and what you are willing to sacrifice for the relationship. I know it's hard to be rational when emotions are involved, but it is in both of your best interests if you use your head instead of your heart during this exercise.

Best of luck!

 

[noticemesenpai]

Thirty months is a long time! Here in the States a year is usually the norm. A break would certainly do you good, but if he is scared that you are over while taking time out, he isn't going to go for that. What a dilemma! Wish I could be more helpful...

Don't worry, it's a very complicated situation and I'm still not sure what to do... He came home yesterday saying he's gonna be different, but then today he f&ˆ%ed it up again. So tiring... But thank you very much for replying! <3

 

[noticemesenpai]

How big is your apartment? Is it possible to have separate rooms? Perhaps a partition separating a single room? Would it be possible for you to work, go to college, or volunteer somewhere in such a way as to be absent on most days when he is home (ie: working second shift while he works first)? Your English is very good by the way. I know these things are compromises, but they might allow you to have your own time for yourself.

It has 3 bedrooms, 1 is the suite, our bedroom and the other 2 we use as our offices. We both work mostly from home, but I definitely feel I need to spend more time by myself and be more independent. The problem is that I'm sooo anxious and it makes me want to control and know about every detail of what he's doing and the decisions he's making especially at work and even when he's asking his parents for help (he tends to ask for stuff he doesn't really need right now instead of something that could help us both. Example: asks for a tablet when we are struggling to buy decent food this month) because I don't believe he can deal with anything by himself. I actually don't care if he makes bad choices for himself anymore, but most of it influences us both.
Thank you, I'm afraid of making mistakes or not been able to explain myself, but I'm glad people are understanding me haha.
I know you are right and I really need to focus on myself and let him deal with the consequences of his actions, but it's very hard for me. I'm gonna try to gradually occupy more of my time for myself like you said, I think it's the best I can do right now. Thank you.

 

[noticemesenpai]

One thing I hear you saying is that you want him to be responsible and "take care" of you. That isn't an unreasonable request for a woman to have of a man; however, this may not be possible for your particular man.

You describe your man in ways that lead me to believe you may always have to steer the course for the two of you. You need to ask yourself first if you want to do this for a lifetime, and also whether you are emotionally capable of doing it. You may in fact want, but it sounds as though it's making you miserable.

In my relationship with the man I love, I had to come to terms with the fact that I will be the leader, and I will have to keep him on a short leash financially. He is not capable of making even the simplest of decisions for the both of us. It's not like he screws up all the time, but he's too impulsive.

I decided I love him enough to handle everything myself and watch over him (i.e. take care of him). I still don't know if I'm capable, but at least in accepting that this is how it will be, I am no longer feeling resentment towards him about it. I realize this is just how he is, it's part of the package ... like it or not.

Perhaps you need to examine your own needs and be brutally honest with yourself about what you need to be happy, and what you are willing to sacrifice for the relationship. I know it's hard to be rational when emotions are involved, but it is in both of your best interests if you use your head instead of your heart during this exercise.

Best of luck!

You just told me what I already knew but was trying to run away from. Yes, exactly, I don't want to be the "leader", I want us to be a team. I don't mind taking care of stuff on my own sometimes, but I would like to trust him to do so as well when I can't/don't want to and to feel like he really cares and returns the acts of affection I make for him without having to beg for it... I love him so very much and I know he loves me too and I know he's trying but, like you said, I don't think he is capable of. I have my own psychological issues and I need to respect myself and what I really need to be happy, but omg it's so hard to accept that. I keep thinking that I would be giving up the best thing I have, even knowing it's making me miserable...
Anyways, thank you very much, I needed to hear(read) that and definitely gonna think about it!

 

[Cali Cat]

You just told me what I already knew but was trying to run away from. Yes, exactly, I don't want to be the "leader", I want us to be a team. I don't mind taking care of stuff on my own sometimes, but I would like to trust him to do so as well when I can't/don't want to and to feel like he really cares and returns the acts of affection I make for him without having to beg for it... I love him so very much and I know he loves me too and I know he's trying but, like you said, I don't think he is capable of. I have my own psychological issues and I need to respect myself and what I really need to be happy, but omg it's so hard to accept that. I keep thinking that I would be giving up the best thing I have, even knowing it's making me miserable...
Anyways, thank you very much, I needed to hear(read) that and definitely gonna think about it!

Here is a song that tells the truth ....

Because I think songs can say so much with just a few words.

Best wishes to you ...

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

Hi guys, I'm new to this forum and I think this is my last hope trying to make my relationship work.

Hard and very serious question: Is this your "last hope" because everywhere else you went didn't help you make your relationship work? I feel this should have been addressed in the very first response but I'm getting it now.

If you are going around looking for answers to get your way then I will simply say "No amount of advice will make the square block fit into the triangle hole."

This is not meant to say you can't work it out but you did unload a lot of content that paints a hefty picture and have a few quotes...

I love and admire him a lot and don't want to hurt or push him away from me, ....

I'm positive he is the love of my life, but at this point I just don't know if I can do it.

I don't want him to hate me and I don't want to hate him.

... that make it sound like you do care for him and you are trying everything to keep him but that block just isn't fitting.

If you want real advice that will be effective for now and forever I will first point out another one of your quotes:

I am very direct and say everything I think and feel because I know aspies have difficulties but it's like he wants me to give "magical" solutions that I just can't give, somethings are not that simple, and I don't want to "train" my bf like a dog...

Before I spend hours typing out good advice I want to know if you yourself are also looking for that "magical solution" that may not be something that we can give.

Your heart and mind is in real pain, there's no doubt about that and I agree "some things are not that simple" when it comes to these situations. Are you going to only want advice that "makes this work" or are you going to listen to advice that is based on doing the right thing(s) even though it may hard?

Because here's a little hint: You can't change anyone but yourself.

Let me know if you want to hear what I have to say (not knowing fully what it may be) or if you only want advice to make things go your way. I am not trying to sound mean or demeaning but you have to decide this before any other advice is given or wasted. I could say many things that would be helpful and I want to help, honestly. But typing much of the advice will take time and effort and I'd appreciate it not being taken lightly.

 

[UniqueCreatures]

One thing I hear you saying is that you want him to be responsible and "take care" of you. That isn't an unreasonable request for a woman to have of a man; however, this may not be possible for your particular man.

You describe your man in ways that lead me to believe you may always have to steer the course for the two of you. You need to ask yourself first if you want to do this for a lifetime, and also whether you are emotionally capable of doing it. You may in fact want, but it sounds as though it's making you miserable.

In my relationship with the man I love, I had to come to terms with the fact that I will be the leader, and I will have to keep him on a short leash financially. He is not capable of making even the simplest of decisions for the both of us. It's not like he screws up all the time, but he's too impulsive.

I decided I love him enough to handle everything myself and watch over him (i.e. take care of him). I still don't know if I'm capable, but at least in accepting that this is how it will be, I am no longer feeling resentment towards him about it. I realize this is just how he is, it's part of the package ... like it or not.

Perhaps you need to examine your own needs and be brutally honest with yourself about what you need to be happy, and what you are willing to sacrifice for the relationship. I know it's hard to be rational when emotions are involved, but it is in both of your best interests if you use your head instead of your heart during this exercise.

Best of luck!

I have only admiration for the advice that she has shared.

We or everyone may have a great love and then we may just blindly dig up the entire cultural views of our family or peers, etc.

Unconditional love is past the most beautiful beginning and putting actual work and effort into asking your personal self what you believe is a quality life with another person.

As she spoke, it's hard to get out of the emotional story, but, financial areas have often been taught to be our failure as a human being. That was a great freedom for me to create peace i owe no one else defense and I learned how to work with my own ways to create, not allowing bullying or judgement continue.

It's not easy to break the habits we learn. But, it's wonderful and so supportive working with another.