Worst things to say while your wife/partner is in labor

[tree]

Hope this new one won't take long to get up to
grilling size. Been ages since we had a decent
barbecue.

 

[Sunny1]

(We used an open dresser drawer for a short time... )

Thanks for the link. It's critically important.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

Do you want to build a snowman?

 

[GrownupGirl]

"Ewww, yuck, that's gross!"
"It's ironic how watching a brand new life starting makes me want to end my own".

 

[Luca]

"I guess I should've used a condom."

 

[Crossbreed]

Thanks for the link. It's critically important.

 

[Forest Cat]

The soccer match starts at 4, could you get this wrapped up before that?

 

[Storm Hess]

* I bet that hurts.
* That looks really painful.
* When the kid's born is there a door prize?
* Now for some appropriate music...Slayer, Reign In Blood.
* Reminds me of the movie Aliens.

 

[Storm Hess]

* Hey! Where's my drugs?
* This is Doncore...he's an Australian shaman who will be screaming at your birth canal for the next 20 minutes.
* Please! If you're going to scream, at least pick a key!

 

[Slim Jim]

* Reminds me of the movie Aliens.

HA...chest burster....scene...

Spoiler

 

[GrownupGirl]

I saw this video the other day about a wasp that injects her eggs into the body of a caterpillar, and then the larva live inside the caterpillar while it eats and acts normally, and then the larvae burst out of its body like something out of Aliens and make a nest of cocoons. And not only does the caterpillar somehow survive all of of this, but it's been brainwashed to guard the cocoons until it starves to death. Then they hatch into adult wasps and start all over.

Anyway, this little act of nature would not be a fun thing to hear while in labor.

 

[Crossbreed]

I saw this video the other day about a wasp that injects her eggs into the body of a caterpillar, and then the larva live inside the caterpillar while it eats and acts normally, and then the larvae burst out of its body like something out of Aliens and make a nest of cocoons. And not only does the caterpillar somehow survive all of of this, but it's been brainwashed to guard the cocoons until it starves to death. Then they hatch into adult wasps and start all over.

Anyway, this little act of nature would not be a fun thing to hear while in labor.

That is where the writers came up with the idea in Alien & sequels.

 

[Sweet potato]

When my mum was in labour with my sister she had to deal with a 7 year old me screaming in her face "are you dieing!!" "If you die do I still get a sister!!!"

 

[D'Andre]

Oh my goodness

OK folks,...this is literally part of my job,...going to deliveries of babies. In all seriousness, the WORST comments,...by far,...will come out of the mouths of male obstetricians.

These are real. No joke.

1. The woman is in the heat of labor, the baby isn't moving because she's trying to push a watermelon out the hole the size of a lemon. The baby is too big, so out come the episiotomy scissors,...he's going to have to cut the tissue between the vagina and the anus. Oh yeah,...this is a thing. Just before the "snip", out of his mouth he says, "You might feel a little discomfort." Keep in mind,...there's no lidocaine injection to numb up the area,...no time for that,...the baby is in distress and needs to come out.

I looked at my team members standing at the infant warming bed,...we were waiting for the baby to be handed to us. Our eyes all got big like,..."Did he actually say that?"

2. My own wife,...our second child. Epidural anesthetics failed x 2,...she's going to have to do this au natural,...and "V-back",...vaginal delivery after a previous cesarian section (our first child). Keep in mind, there is an increased risk of uterine rupture doing V-back deliveries,...so this is in the back of my mind the whole time. At any rate,...the baby is coming,...of course, he's not able to move,...big kid. The first thing the OB doctor does is get out the lube,...fine,...but then he is massaging my wife down there,...while looking into my eyes in a real creepy way. Now,...things are moving along here, my wife is in distress, the baby is in distress,...and I am imagining myself doing some serious physical harm to this doctor. The baby gets stuck,...out come the scissors,...sure as anything,..."You might feel a little discomfort" comes out of his mouth. (I swear, do they teach this phrase in medical school?). My wife, shortly later pushes out a full-grown English Bulldog,...I mean 11lb, 11oz/5.3kg baby,...his head was wider than it was tall,...felt like a heavy cement block compared to most babies I deal with. As any woman can imagine,...severe vaginal lacerations requiring over 2hrs worth of internal stitches to stop the bleeding. The whole time,...my wife never screamed,...never made any vocalizations,...just sucked it all up like no Navy Seal could ever manage to do. Another level of respect for her. The next day,...the doctor comes in,...my wife can barely move,...I cannot imagine the swelling and pain she was in. "So, wasn't this better than a C-section?" I gave him a look like, WTH! If my wife had a jet pack on her back and could launch herself at that man's throat, she surely would have.

Keep in mind, this OB doctor had a reputation for being one of the best in the Grand Rapids area,...and after our little experience,...I made sure all my female co-workers knew otherwise.

Oh, and to top it off,...she had to have a full reconstructive surgery years later,...and to this day, her right sacral-iliac joint has not fused. She walks with a bit of limp and frequently has back pain. So,...as much as I am not a fan of C-sections, in general,...the babies generally have less respiratory difficulties after birth,...but they have their place. Hindsight is 20/20, but I think we would have went with a C-section had we known.

Oh my!! The Dr sounds very creepy

 

[Aspychata]

My side chick is going to be so pissed about this baby, she already gripes about how much time l don't spend with her.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

Do I know you?

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

Where’s the closest bar?
Wanna get high?
You really were pregnant?! I thought you just got fat!
Let’s name the baby It!

 

[AGXStarseed]

I'm curious - what feels more painful to push out? The baby you're currently giving birth to, or that kidney stone you had some years back?

 

[maycontainthunder]

So that's why Yoda brought you flowers. It all makes sense now.

 

[D'Andre]

Where’s the closest bar?
Wanna get high?
You really were pregnant?! I thought you just got fat!
Let’s name the baby It!

Ha!! Hilarious