Wondering if I Should Just Quit Going?

[garnetflower13]

I would really appreciate feedback on the following issue.

I have been seeing a counselor for about eight months. Sometimes my husband comes in with me if I want to talk about some of our issues. I had my doubts about seeing a counselor who wasn't familiar with autism, but at first we both felt that she was doing us some good. For the last three appointments I found myself getting extremely frustrated with her advice when I talked about communication issues with my husband and I. She kept insisting on me doing things that I simply don't have the ability to do! For example, since my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we very often misunderstand each other. I wanted to learn some pointers for what to do when this happens so that we don't end up quarreling or hurting each others feelings. This counselor seemed to think that I could somehow predict how to phrase things to avoid misunderstandings. I tried to explain that I could only learn if my husband actually told me (at the moment that it happened) how something had made him feel. I couldn't predict in advance how something could go over. But she keeps going at this idea until one day I broke down and cried in frustration. Is this theory of mind, this ability to be able to say words based on how they might affect another? I also keep misunderstanding her which the more I try to understand what she means, the more I don't. The last three sessions got me so stressed that it took hours to calm down. I feel more Aspie ( in a negative way) then usual when I have had a session with her. I am seriously thinking of calling it quits. In her favor, I do think that we did benefit in some ways, because she recommended some good books for us to read but I feel as if I am spending more time educating her about the spectrum then me getting the help I need.

Input would be greatly appreciated!

 

[ZaphodsCloset]

Garnetflower, first off, (((((Hugs)))) if you like them.

Yes, that's theory of mind. But I think your counselor is smoking something, if she thinks that phrasing things with the thought of how they'll affect the other person is a panacea.

Even in "NT" relationships, your approach (say in the moment how you feel) is a very useful tool. Even when both partners have good empathy skills, nobody should expect themselves or the other to always know / sense what the other will feel. And there are ways of dealing with that productively. Your counselor should be able to give you some of these tools, not just keep insisting you act more "NT."

I don't like discussing feelings in the moment, most of the time. My BF and I have a weekly relationship meeting, so discussions about feelings and misunderstandings go on a list and we hash through them once a week. We also learn patterns of the types of things that hurt the other's feelings, and we avoid saying something that fits in the categories we already know to avoid. For example, I don't like language-jokes when I'm talking about something emotional, even if there's a funny play on words. He doesn't do this anymore, or at least, hardly ever.


This is an area you didn't ask for feedback on, so I hope I'm not out of line with this suggestion:
How would you feel about asking this counselor for a discount, to account for you spending so much of the time teaching her about the spectrum? It's knowledge she'll need for her continuing practice, and really not fair that you do the lion's share of her initial education and experience about it.

 

[Arashi222]

It sounds like in the short term this counselor has provided you with some good things in terms of helping you with your relationship issues. However, it seems at this time you are needing more guided help with communication issues regarding the relationship with your husband. Now my thought would be to not call it quits with this therapist just yet but to bring up with her that you are so frustrated by what she is suggesting because of your autism and that you would like to know if she has any referrals for someone who specailizes in ASD's so that you can get the most out of your therapy sessions. Therapists are a lot like buying shoes. You have to try a lot on before you find the perfect fit. So keep that in mind.

 

[whatJimhasbecome]

After 8 months, it might be best to consult an Asperger's/Autism specialist...or at the very least someone that is familiar with the syndrome. Plus, if you've been going to the same person for 8 months and they haven't taken the initiative to learn about the spectrum, then they're just a lousy counselor. It's good that you took the time to talk to someone but if that someone isn't the right someone then someone else is probably a better bet.

 

[Ereth]

As Jim said, it might be worthwhile to try to find a different counselor, and one who's more familiar with your needs. It's all up to you, of course.

 

[wyverary]

Arashi took the words right out of my mouth. Have you specifically explained to the therapist--i.e., your problems understanding her advice, and why it doesn't seem to work? If you have, and it is still proving unhelpful, then yes, maybe it could be time to find a different counselor, one more familiar with AS issues. But that process alone--seeking out therapists--can be very stressful in and of itself, and I would only recommend it if you continue to have issues after having this explicit conversation with your current one.

Good luck, and let us know how things go.

wyv

 

[Aspieistj]

When I learned that I was an Aspie I "came out" to my best friend, an RN with psych experience. I shouldn't have been surprised when she decided to "fix" me by correcting everything Aspie that I did. When I made the same "error" again she would exclaim, "Nance, can't you just remember what happened last time? Why do you do the same things over and over?" She was totally unable to comprehend that I don't even know when to ponder a particular response. There is a gap in time between deciding what I want to say and giving careful consideration to how it will came out. If I parsed every word before I spoke I would require long pauses before I responded to anything. I could never be able to speak spontaneously. I should have realized she wouldn't be understanding because she had once been a psych nurse and was very critical of her patients, always insisting they really did know what they said and did was wrong and just wanted attention. I have since found many health professionals who don't or won't accept that simple conditioning doesn't always work when "fixing" Aspies.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I wonder if the reason some people are attracted to psychology is because this is a way they can control others under the illusion of doing good. It has dawned on me lately that there is a great deal of power politics in this. It is not only that they are "totally unable to comprehend"; this is only part of the picture. The other part, which hasn't been talked about much, is that we (people on the spectrum, patients, counselees, etc.) are not allowed to define our lives, our feelings, our thoughts but must allow others to define us. Everything we do, think and say is interpreted through others. We literally have no voice. I think this will be our biggest struggle, getting the Neurotypical majority to realize that we do have the right to our own lives, that we do not want to be fixed or micromanaged, but rather have a say in our therapies or our counseling. Trust me, this is something that the Neurotypical majority does not, for the most part, want to bend on easily, at least not yet.

I think of other groups, minorities, women, who have struggled with the politics of identity and the right of self-determination and how long it has taken them to achieve some measure of recognition. So it won't be an easy struggle and it won't be achieved overnight. And many of us are minors when we are diagnosed so that makes it all the harder. Nevertheless, I believe we must try.