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Featured Why is not wanting friends a bad thing?

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by SchrodingersMeerkat, Dec 26, 2020.

  1. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    I never really cared about making friends. Other kids typically annoyed me and the only humans I were ever close with were my mother and older brothers. Human beings my own age confused me and I probably confused them. When I realized a friend wasn't someone I could lecture to about my special interests, I had no interest in these friend things; at least ones of the human variety. My dogs, horses and bearded dragon were my best friends. Humans were also mean for no reason.

    But not having human friends was always looked upon as a bad thing. Most of my friendships are online with autistic people of similar interests in zoology or veterinary medicine. Once the interest is over, usually so is the friendship.
     
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  2. VictorR

    VictorR Random Member V.I.P Member

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    I think it's not uncommon for those on the spectrum to have difficulties relating with peers, especially when growing up. I find I often get along better with those who are a generation older.
     
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  3. Soleil

    Soleil Well-Known Member

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    There are a lot of movies and TV episodes about a quiet introvert being shown how to loosen up and have fun at parties. They imply, and sometimes outright state, that it's wrong to be quiet, it's wrong to like quiet spaces, it's wrong to enjoy doing things by yourself. It's extremely annoying, and very insulting. Parties are loud, full of strangers, and held in unfamiliar places, but apparently there's something wrong with me if I'd prefer a book and a coffee alone at my usual coffee shop.

    I personally enjoy having someone I can share things with. Someone I can share jokes with, someone I can share my feelings with if I'm feeling down. It's normal to want companionship, to want friends, and unfortunately anyone who deviates from what is "normal" is seen as broken.

    If you were a character in a movie or TV show you'd be tricked into attending a surprise party thrown by your family, coworkers, neighbors, etc, and you'd learn the magic of friendship.

    But, like, if you're happy without friends, it's not really my place to judge, is it? It'd be rude to force yourself into someone else's life, but I guess it's not rude for others to force themselves into yours?
     
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  4. Kit

    Kit Well-Known Member

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    It's considered a problem because what is going to happen when you get sick or hurt, who is going to help you? Who will you turn to for help?

    If you have kids, who will watch your kids for you when you run into an emergency?


    This is why it's an impairment to not have friends. Also we need friends for references and work recommendations for employment. No friends, tougher getting a job.
     
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  5. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    I have a family that helps me when I need it. I don't have children and never will (had a hystorecromy).
     
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  6. Neonatal RRT

    Neonatal RRT Active Member

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    I don't have friends. I have people that I interact with on a friendly basis professionally and personally, but no further. There may have been a time as a child when I wanted friends, but never understood how to reciprocate. Same thing with girls. I have a serious problem with emotional bonding. I speculate my hypothalamus is not producing enough oxytocin and vasopressin. I am married. Don't know how that happened. My wife may be a bit on the spectrum perhaps. I have lived my 53 years without friends and really don't see a need. It's not a sad thing at all. In fact, quite liberating.
     
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  7. BrokenBoy

    BrokenBoy 戯言使い(Nonsense User)

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    Friends are cool. That's why.
     
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  8. SchrodingersMeerkat

    SchrodingersMeerkat trash mammal

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    What makes them cool?
     
  9. Au Naturel

    Au Naturel Au Naturel

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    The shows are all bull. So are most Christmas shows. If you are a loner, these things very rarely happen and when they do they don't end well.

    And the point is that you are deviating from the norm. People who are on the "norm" cannot imagine how someone could feel differently. Deviance is sadness at best and danger at worst.
     
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  10. BrokenBoy

    BrokenBoy 戯言使い(Nonsense User)

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    Interacting with them leads to good things happening. I often laugh to the point of almost not breathing due to interactions with friends. It's a very nice feeling to have pleasant interactions with others.
     
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  11. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    l agree about friends to help with jobs. But l live in a state known for taking advantage of the elderly on a huge scale. Those that they think are friends that will help them out are anything but. I think these days being alone is actually self-preservation.
     
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  12. lolcatal

    lolcatal Well-Known Member

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    I have found that I generally have more fun and am better taken care of when I am alone than when I am interacting with others. I always find a way to deal with emergencies on my own.
     
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  13. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    It's not a bad thing in itself - it's just a bad thing for them - they can't imagine not having friends, and can't understand why another person should not want the same. It's a theory of mind issue on their part. But to have friends, not have friends, is a lifestyle choice that they should respect, if not understand.
     
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  14. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I think a good case can be made for having acquaintances, and maybe one or two friends, who like and understand me. Then the needs mentioned above by @Kit are taken care of, plus we get some validation of who we are, and some personal links with others. I like to have that. My family are not supportive on the whole, and I suppose anyway it can be good to have some level of independence from family, as an adult. But maybe that's not for everyone.
     
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  15. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I never had the want for friends growing up or as an adult.
    By age 23, I took an interest in a guy and went on a date. The relationship didn't last long.
    He was controlling, which I don't go for.
    Then there were other boyfriends, but, it was more for fun.
    Never felt close bonding or want for kids, marriage and such.
    The only people I felt at ease with was my parents.
    I enjoyed doing things with them and talking.

    It would have been nice to have developed some independence I guess, because, the time
    did come that I don't have them anymore and that's rough.
    Feeling there's nothing around you to turn to except the world that you never felt close to.
    But, how do you make yourself like something you don't?
     
  16. Shamar

    Shamar Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't have any friends. I have never had any friends . I have had lots of acquaintances and people I work with. but not friends (as I understand the concept). The whole idea seems confusing and contradictory. I have never been able to make any sort of connection with another person that lasted for more than a few months. And that I realize now was an illusion created by relief from loneliness. not an actual bond. Frankly, I have more of an emotional connection with my dog than my wife and son.

    I know this is abnormal, and abnormal makes NTs uncomfortable, ranging from unease to scared silly. I believe they are not trying to help you, but to deal with a situation they cannot understand. My mother was always telling me "Just go out and make friends." I put this advice in the same category as "Just go out and build a rocket ship to the moon." Both equally unfeasible, although the rocket might be easier. Technology and mechanics I understand, but humans are hopeless
     
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  17. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Had quite a few friends growing up and into my thirties about. Later when I went back to school I made a few friends and aquaintances as well. As the child scapegoat I made friends so that I didn't have to be around family members. They served a purpose I expect as they didn't treat me the way family members did.

    Historically, the idea of 'friends' was a kind of protective surveillance system to keep members of different groups in check. So that they would not deviate from socially acceptable norms. Peer pressure is and was a way for groups of age specific individuals to guide or control or reject/alienate others. It's still done on the internet, with social media.
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2020
  18. garnetflower13

    garnetflower13 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I agree. I get a lot of rejection on social media, which is why I closed down my FB account.
     
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  19. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    I grew up without friends during my teenager years and hated it. I did not know what I had until I was in my 20s but seeing others make friends so easy I wanted it so bad, but I did not know what to do. The worst was at college where I was a real loner which is most likely the reason why I dropped out never to return. I did not know what to say, and I literally used to run away from girls.

    When I first became a Christian I joined the only life group they had, and I did make some friends but once they coupled up I lost them. I was a bitter Christian after, rejecting God for 15 years.

    When I came back after my sister nearly died I was determined to make friends at the new Church, so I joined four groups later settling on two. I made close friends with the leader of the life group, and he is a couple. I found most of the time at the Church couples would introduce themselves to me.

    I also made some female friends only from going to life group but as for a relationship they are single by choice and all the rest are married or have relationships.

    When Covid hit I felt devastated. I thought with the separation I would lose my friends again, but I ended up making a few more friends and I talk to one girl on the phone often who moved back to live with her parents until the crisis is over. She even offered to meet up when she is back in the city.

    So for me, I can't live without friends. Without them, I am a bitter person but with them, I feel happier. I do want a girlfriend but that is way off impossible. Just look at my scale.
     
  20. AprilR

    AprilR Well-Known Member

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    It's not bad, people just like to discriminate against people that are different than them.
    You not wanting friends have no effect of their lives so why would someone dislike it?
    Doesn't make any sense to me.

    A member said that friends help each other when they're sick and stuff, but that's also not a given. Friends don't have the responsibility to drop everything to take care of you when you're ill.
    I think a caretaker or social worker would be better in this case.
     
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