When he won't let you call him your boyfriend…

[Whattup]

Hi all. I've been dating a guy for nearly three months. He doesn't want me to call him my boyfriend, and I find this odd. He says he doesn't flirt with other girls, and is always nice and seems very genuine around me.

He has said that he has had bad breakups. He is also a neurotypical. Why doesn't he want to be my boyfriend? Any input helps! Thanks.

 

[ChrisC1983]

Disclaimer.. these suggestions all boil down to "I don't know" because I do not and can not know him well enough to be positive. Obviously there's the possibility of him cheating or considering it or not being that "into" you or anything along the lines of him not considering himself as a boyfriend to you for "bad" reasons. But on the same hand he could have some issues with such labels. The only reason I've personally seen would be because he's not as interested in you as you are in him but there are other possibilities such as a bad breakup. For example, I have some family members who are against marriage because other family members have been married and divorced many times and either lost all their money and possessions in the divorces or stole the other persons money and possessions in the divorces (I don't have great family members). Granted marriage is a different step than boyfriend/girlfriend but it can equate as a significant step for some people.

 

[Tom]

It sounds like he views it as a friendship and not a relationship.

 

[Marycv]

To me it seems he wants to take it slow and not rush it, since he had bad experiences in the past. He may not be ready just yet for a relationship with you. I think you should get to know each other better and see where it leads you.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I don't know him, so I can't say for sure, but it is possible that he wants to have more time before making a commitment. Maybe he needs time in order to figure out exactly how he feels about you.
Or maybe he's afraid of his family disapproving, so he doesn't want word spreading to them that he's your boyfriend.

These are only various possible scenarios. Since I don't know him, I don't actually know his reasons.

 

[Suzanne]

He has a fight going on inside his head. He most certainly likes you, above friendship, but is petrified of getting involved.

Boyfriend + vulnerability, which he is not willing to accept.

Choice for you: keep seeing him and thus prove it doesn't have to be negative and he can trust. Or, let him go, if your heart is at stake and being an aspie, can make matters worse.

I talk from experience.

 

[Judge]

Hi all. I've been dating a guy for nearly three months. He doesn't want me to call him my boyfriend, and I find this odd. He says he doesn't flirt with other girls, and is always nice and seems very genuine around me.

He has said that he has had bad breakups. He is also a neurotypical. Why doesn't he want to be my boyfriend? Any input helps! Thanks.

Hmmm. There's honestly not much information enough to really elaborate on.

I'd have to ask you first and foremost, what you consider to be "dating", and then ask if he considers this "dating" as well. Does this relationship truly reflect more one of friends, or one of a romantic nature?

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Why does the label matter to you? (I'm not judging. That's a genuine question.)

Here's my answer to the question I asked you:

There's a form of "magical thinking" that doesn't call attention to a good event, because it's a jinx and claiming something may attract malign attention. The trouble I have with the logical attitude toward "magical thinking" is that words do matter. We bring things into being with words. Prayer and ritual and even plain language creates by invocation: it focuses the power of the naming mind onto the thing created. In sufficiently powerful situations, such as weddings and marriages, people can temporarily lose their own minds (in a fun, if frothy, way); I know from experience.

Respect the fear. Just be, and see if it sorts itself out. It has nothing to do with being NT or aspie, and everything to do with mind.

EDIT: This unexpectedly interesting "little" question brings up related threads and posts on social psychology and sapiosexuality, but I can't address this before coffee.

 

[Slithytoves]

I was just writing this when Judge's post appeared. My questions were going to be the same as his.

I wouldn't make a point of querying him further about this just yet. Since you seem to have his exclusive attention, it may be better just to continue on as you are for a couple more months. The further development of your relationship may speak for itself soon enough. Because he's been burned by relationships before, he might back off if he feels you're trying to pin him down too much with your questions.

Meanwhile, terms like "boyfriend" mean different things to different people. To some, a boyfriend is just social shorthand for a guy you're dating, even casually. To others, "boyfriend" suggests a greater degree of commitment. If his previous relationships ended badly, he has good reason to make a distinction and to take his time. His reluctance to use the term may be about his past associations with it and have nothing to do with you at all. He may still feel most or all of the elements of "boyfriendness" towards you. So I wouldn't get too hung up on his current refusal to apply a word.

Time will tell. If you're enjoying yourself and he pays you adequate attention, I'd say let things roll.

 

[NTgirl4276]

just wanted to "second" some of the sentiments expressed upthread, particularly Judge, Aspergirl4hire, and Slithytoves.

I can understand how applying a certain term or vocabulary to your situation may feel helpful, as it can often impart or help create meaning for your experience. but, like some others have said, those labels are often ambiguous and mean wildly different things to different people, so the experience itself is what ultimately matters.

there are many, many possible reasons for why he may not want to use the term "boyfriend"--past hurts, fears, resistance to a commitment, just not that invested/interested, not willing to stop entertaining other future possibilities, etc. Heck, I would cringe at someone calling me their "girlfriend" because I simply don't like the term (I prefer "partner"). And even if you asked him explicitly, well, he could (sadly) lie, or not even know his own reasoning well enough to articulate it fully or honestly.

So, like others have suggested, I would try to figure out whether the experience of the relationship itself is satisfying for you, and whether or not it feels good to/for your soul. If it does, you might ask yourself, what would using this term add to it? The answer may happily be, "Well, not much, things are great."

(If it turns out that your answer is something more like, "It would make me feel safer and more secure in my relationship," that would seem to me to be an indicator of a different and perhaps larger issue, beyond simple terminology.)

 

[kyliewyote]

My aspie hates labels. I told him he was "special" during my last visit. He asked me to never say that again.

Some words that are just "what they are" to me, to you, may be verrrry different to someone else.

I can understand you wanting that term, but I'd suggest to try to let it's importance go. If you two have something (lol...I almost typed "something special"), enjoy being together, are close, etc, then to me, that is the far more important focus instead of a social term.

 

[Cerulean]

My aspie hates labels. I told him he was "special" during my last visit. He asked me to never say that again.

Some words that are just "what they are" to me, to you, may be verrrry different to someone else.

I had trouble with the "boyfriend" label with my current relationship because he "hates labels". I found it easier to say "my boyfriend" than "the guy I'm dating, and not dating other people, and definitely having relations with". Eventually he came around. Now he hates if I say we're dating, because that doesn't imply enough commitment. Goodness sakes what sorcery have I performed on this one?!

 

[Suzanne]

Why does the label matter to you? (I'm not judging. That's a genuine question.)

Here's my answer to the question I asked you:

There's a form of "magical thinking" that doesn't call attention to a good event, because it's a jinx and claiming something may attract malign attention. The trouble I have with the logical attitude toward "magical thinking" is that words do matter. We bring things into being with words. Prayer and ritual and even plain language creates by invocation: it focuses the power of the naming mind onto the thing created. In sufficiently powerful situations, such as weddings and marriages, people can temporarily lose their own minds (in a fun, if frothy, way); I know from experience.

Respect the fear. Just be, and see if it sorts itself out. It has nothing to do with being NT or aspie, and everything to do with mind.

EDIT: This unexpectedly interesting "little" question brings up related threads and posts on social psychology and sapiosexuality, but I can't address this before coffee.

True, true! The guy I fell in love with at 18; it was not an official: will you be my girlfriend? We just were and that was that lol

 

[ChrisC1983]

True, true! The guy I fell in love with at 18; it was not an official: will you be my girlfriend? We just were and that was that lol

and that's perfect to me. i don't like labels either and don't really see a transition from hanging out to dating besides physical stuff (you shouldn't be making out with somebody who's just a friend...... but if you're at a level where others would say you're dating, and you feel you are at that level too... thats fine)


today however... or here anyway... there are all these rules. basically, the first date you if you don't make out, you must not like them (eventhough it may be the first time you ever met them) and by date 3 you either need to have sex or atleast oral sex or there's no interest. and if you're just meeting the person for the first time (never spoke online.. just a random person you met at a bus stop thismorning and decided to go out for dinner that same night) if you don't start out the whole thing with a "i want to have sex with you" vibe... you're friendzoned and may as well throw on some rhinestone pants and help them pick out curtains to impress their new boyfriend

 

[Beverly]

So true ChrisC1983, and if you're female and don't go for the sex soon enough, you would fair better putting on combat boots and getting a pixie haircut then, helping the guy get the next girl he lusts after.

 

[ChrisC1983]

sadly that's too true as well... and yet i usually am more comfortable talking to the girl with combat boots and a pixie haircut lol. basically, the weirder somebody seems to be.. the more i want to talk to them. unless they carry themselves very seriously it's like wearing a topic of conversation so i'm actually able to initiate something with them

'course some people are still offended by things like "those boots are awesome with that skirt".......... sigh.... even if she is some super butch lesbian, i still just want to talk. the world revolves around sex far too much today


sorry i'm running offcourse of the topic. to steer it back a bit... not wanting the label doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. as with my family.. i refuse to say "i love you" because i don't like double meanings for words ("i love my (pet/color/food/family/girlfriend/friend/weather/ect)".. all different things that use the same word) but if i didn't care about my family i wouldn't have spent 4 days learning the rules of Section 8 housing and SSDI to help my father not get kicked out of his house and i wouldn't be working for my aunt right now as i have not had an actual paycheck since day 1 (been over 2 years now)...... admittedly i'm getting REALLY sick of that one and i'll admit it's far too easy to keep me doing something when i feel bad for a person and i have been, am currently, and will in the future be screwed by that problem.. but that is beside the point. the feeling is clearly still there, just not the label or words
my ex put me through hell over the same thing

 

[Flinty]

today however... or here anyway... there are all these rules. basically, the first date you if you don't make out, you must not like them (eventhough it may be the first time you ever met them) and by date 3 you either need to have sex or atleast oral sex or there's no interest. and if you're just meeting the person for the first time (never spoke online.. just a random person you met at a bus stop thismorning and decided to go out for dinner that same night) if you don't start out the whole thing with a "i want to have sex with you" vibe... you're friendzoned and may as well throw on some rhinestone pants and help them pick out curtains to impress their new boyfriend

They're rules, not laws. If the timing is off, they're probably not right for you.

 

[ChrisC1983]

i like to ballpark numbers... as far as me finding somebody i would really like, i was around a fraction of a percent chance (double 0's) based on me being more social than i am now

i've honestly never gotten to that point... i generally don't make it past the "small talk" stage. heck i've had women insult me because i've said "hey whats up" which apparently wasn't the proper pickup line to use in their mind. i've also had the whole "i need to visit my sick grandmother" reason (i can't prove if it was true or not, so it's a reason.. not an excuse) but there was no effort to make other plans and it's safe to guess it was a BS reason because when i did the typical "oh i'm sorry, is she OK, whats wrong" they were just put off by the whole thing.

basically.. i had 1 kinda-sorta girlfriend (technically speaking, most people wouldn't count it) for about a week or went out with me and dumped me for the exact same reasons as one another. and 1 real girlfriend who i met online.. literally dragged me halfway around the country, and the last conversation we had involved her saying "if you don't come here i'm going to **** a black guy".. so i hung up (little back story.. i had just gotten back home after a 4 month excursion around the country between her elderly friends apartment which was shared with a roommate, her other friends trailer shared with 3 other couples, and then going to another state so her elderly friend (1st one) could visit her "sick" daughter (she had a cold.. literally.. by the time we got there, she wasn't sick anymore) and i paid for a hotel for 2 weeks while down there..... so in that time i had blown all the money i saved from working for a year, which was basically everything i made because i don't spend money on myself) and when i finally got back to my house, she wanted me to rush back over there to move with her mother to kentucky (they lived in michigan) because they found a great deal on a roommate situation with 2 lesbians (what they told me) and thats where we pick back up to the phone conversation and me refusing to go because i literally had no money left to my name and a pile of bills

and thats what i mean when i say it's easy to string me along. eventhough i'm aware it's happening, my self esteem is at such a low point i pretty much allow it to because i have myself convinced nothing better can happen. but, ironically, telling me nothing better can happen just makes me angry so my ego kicks in (admittedly i have a huge ego.. in this case, it's a good thing) and i can leave the situation. but, if you don't say anything... i'm not even sure if i will leave the situation. as i said, i've been getting screwed with this job for over 2 years (could be about 3, i dont remember when my aunt moved.. we started shortly before that)


yes, i'm a confusing mess lol

 

[Suzanne]

and that's perfect to me. i don't like labels either and don't really see a transition from hanging out to dating besides physical stuff (you shouldn't be making out with somebody who's just a friend...... but if you're at a level where others would say you're dating, and you feel you are at that level too... thats fine)


today however... or here anyway... there are all these rules. basically, the first date you if you don't make out, you must not like them (eventhough it may be the first time you ever met them) and by date 3 you either need to have sex or atleast oral sex or there's no interest. and if you're just meeting the person for the first time (never spoke online.. just a random person you met at a bus stop thismorning and decided to go out for dinner that same night) if you don't start out the whole thing with a "i want to have sex with you" vibe... you're friendzoned and may as well throw on some rhinestone pants and help them pick out curtains to impress their new boyfriend

Actually, we did not "consummate" our togetherness, until a year into being together and thus, we were both 19. Met at a disco ( no internet at that time, just computer basics) and I did not even like the massive show off ( he wasn't but it appeared to me like that). He contacted me and insisted on meeting up and I was VERY reluctant, since he related how he pretended to have an epileptic fit, just to ease the boredom of being on a train, whilst going to work! Having had a best friend in school, who suffered this, I was not amused and despite my insecure self, I did let him know and he must have been keen because he never did that again lol. I guess it was just before we got intimate ( did not do other things prior to that), that I shocked myself finding that I had fallen in love with him and it was TORTURE. I now recognise he was in love with me, but at the time, was confused! We were both very immature for our ages and thus, such a powerful emotion was not going to work!

 

[Maelstrom]

Hi all. I've been dating a guy for nearly three months. He doesn't want me to call him my boyfriend, and I find this odd. He says he doesn't flirt with other girls, and is always nice and seems very genuine around me.

He has said that he has had bad breakups. He is also a neurotypical. Why doesn't he want to be my boyfriend? Any input helps! Thanks.

Easily fixed Whattup, just say: Okay no problem that's fine sugar? (or whatever you call him) no pressure. But I only kiss my, (Boyfriends), and I only date exclusively my, (Boyfriends), but it's okay if you need some time to think things over, take all the time you need.......then give him a little time to think it through.