What should I do for my 14 year old son?

[Karin]

As I have begun to read about aspergers (for a variety of reasons) it seems very likely that my 14 year old son is on the spectrum.

No need to bore you with the reasons why, but I'm wondering what to do about this knowledge. He is at the top of his class, get along well with his classmates, have a few close friends and while he is very quiet in class, it has gotten better. So I'm thinking there's no reason to get him involved in a possible diagnosis.

On the other hand I see some of the consequences later in life of un-noticed aspergers and I think my son should at least have the knowledge of where to look if he ever feels he is stuck and wants explanations as well as help to move on.

Being the kind of very private person he already is, I doubt he'll ever come and ask me for help. My idea is to perhaps have to the school nurse present him with some information about aspergers. I don't know. I know we are all different but what would you have wished your mom had done for you in that respect when you were younger? Or what did happen at that time that served you well?

 

[AsheSkyler]

No harm in telling him you have suspicions and letting him dig around if he gets curious. Er, at least, I grew up hearing my mom say she suspected I always had a touch of autism and it never bothered me.

14 was a very evil age for me. Most of my symptoms developed and struck at that age. But, the only thing I would have wanted done differently way back in the day was understanding of one of my comorbids: sensory processing disorder. Smells... Oh, the smells... And the horrors of tight clothing. The low muscle tone was a pain in the butt too. The autism itself wasn't bad. My interests and other things that come with it were either mild or weren't unbearably painful. My anxiety was pretty bad, but I didn't have my first panic attack until I was nearly 20 and that was due to a truly horrible job.

The biggest plus was that we learned how to communicate with each other in a way we could be as blunt as possible without the other having to suspect ulterior motives or passive aggressiveness. Took a bit to figure out the exact words that would allow a frank discussion, but it worked out great. Especially considering my vocabulary and word choice was starting to go kaput, it was good she knew I was just having trouble instead of being mean. I wouldn't have wanted a diagnosis at that age due to lots of things, but if he is all for getting diagnosed, why not?

 

[Warmheart]

Without a diagnosis, we can be judged. With a diagnosis, our challenges can be supported, so we can reach our best potential. Since communication challenges figure considerably for those on the spectrum, he cannot easily make you aware of some significant things which he may struggle with. Getting some targeted help from an ASD specialist can make his road to adulthood smoother. A great start would be to obtain a formal diagnosis, so that an ASD specialist can then see him regularly. Best wishes!

 

[Suzanne]

I am not a mother, so perhaps you will not take anything I say as right, but I would like to try.

Having been on this forum for a while now and "met" many young aspies, and comparing them to us older ones, who found out late in life, I come to the conclusion that unless it comes to no choice, but explain to the child or teen, I personally would wait until he is struggling and then you can suggest he do his own study on aspergers and go from there. Give him control over his own self, rather than say: I think you have aspergers, son.

Although my life has been an awful struggle, not knowing what was going on, at least, I pushed myself to my limits and beyond, and if I had known, I probably would have not had some amazing experiences I had, with not knowing.

You say he has friends etc etc, so why tell him now eh? He is 14 and that is a very vulnerable when we are in school with our peers. He seems to have found himself a little niche for himself where he feels happy.

If I were a mother faced with the same thing, I would choose to not say anything, unless a situation comes up where it would be beneficial for him to know.

I do agree with Warmheart that on diagnosis or not, for I am self diagnosed and it is not easy. But I refuse to get "professionally" diagnosed because I cannot deal with the scrutiny of my past.

Surely it is when a child or teen is struggling that questions should be asked?

 

[Kari Suttle]

As I have begun to read about aspergers (for a variety of reasons) it seems very likely that my 14 year old son is on the spectrum.

No need to bore you with the reasons why, but I'm wondering what to do about this knowledge. He is at the top of his class, get along well with his classmates, have a few close friends and while he is very quiet in class, it has gotten better. So I'm thinking there's no reason to get him involved in a possible diagnosis.

On the other hand I see some of the consequences later in life of un-noticed aspergers and I think my son should at least have the knowledge of where to look if he ever feels he is stuck and wants explanations as well as help to move on.

Being the kind of very private person he already is, I doubt he'll ever come and ask me for help. My idea is to perhaps have to the school nurse present him with some information about aspergers. I don't know. I know we are all different but what would you have wished your mom had done for you in that respect when you were younger? Or what did happen at that time that served you well?

I was a college student when i found out from my mom. My mom told me her thoughts and opinions and that she thought i had aspergers via text message while i was at my babysitting job. Which i immensely preferred, since i get tongue tied in person and will agree just to agree without actually thinking about anything. This gave me time to research it on my own when the infant i was babsitting laid down for his nap, and i got to come to my own conclusions about it. I wasn't about to just accept my mom's opinion cause she was my mom, i needed to come to my own conclusions about it.

Not to sound insulting, but to me growing up i always associated the term 'autism' with the low functioning type of autism - i had no idea there was even a higher functioning end of the spectrum or taht there was even a spectrum. At first i felt a bit insulted at the idea, even after i'd come to accept that i did have aspergers or now as we in the US have labeled it, high functioning autism. I felt like in having aspergers i was suddenly mentally retarded or stupid. But as i read more and more, i began to see just how much it affects who i am and how i react to everyday things and eventually got over that sentiment. All in all, diagnosis or not, it helped me to understand myself a lot better whereas before i just thought all my shortcomings were all my fault, that i just wasn't trying hard enough, even though i felt like i was always trying my best.

As for a diagnosis, i dont have one but in my opinion, unless you think your son needs accomodations for school - or for work - its not really necessary. The older you get, that becomes its only real purpose, other than providing validation. Validating that yes, you aren't over exaggerating, you really do have high functioning autism aka aspergers syndrome.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Not to sound insulting, but to me growing up i always associated the term 'autism' with the low functioning type of autism - i had no idea there was even a higher functioning end of the spectrum or taht there was even a spectrum.

I think that's pretty normal. Honestly, if I hadn't known an autistic woman online for several years and given the opportunity to become familiar with autism as more than just the noverbal or savant ones, I'd have had the same opinion. I was also oblivious to the spectrum part of it until I start trying to research my own suspicions for being autistic.

 

[Sully]

Personally, I wouldn't involve the school nurse that way. If my mother had that suspicion I wouldn't want her to tell someone else before me. I like the idea of putting it in writing, but informally. Maybe list a few of the traits you see and say this looks possibly consistent with HFA, what do you think? You could also send him a link to one of the online questionnaires. If he is really an aspie then there's a good chance he'll like to take the tests and see his score.

 

[watersprite]

I have a 14 year old son, so, going off of his reactions to me and teachers, school counselors, etc.; I can't agree strongly enough with Sully.

 

[Karin]

Thank you to all who answered!

Having thought it over well and good and considered the feedback, my decision for now is to wait another couple of years with talking to him about it. He is doing perfectly fine right now and I suspect his challenges could be when he begins to get romantically involved. At that time I will most likely do exactly as suggested and point him to an on-line test or two.

He might even by then have looked into it himself as it looks like his 11 year sister, who is being evaluated and helped at the children's psychiatric hospital, will find herself with a diagnosis of Aspergers.

 

[Suzanne]

Thank you to all who answered!

Having thought it over well and good and considered the feedback, my decision for now is to wait another couple of years with talking to him about it. He is doing perfectly fine right now and I suspect his challenges could be when he begins to get romantically involved. At that time I will most likely do exactly as suggested and point him to an on-line test or two.

He might even by then have looked into it himself as it looks like his 11 year sister, who is being evaluated and helped at the children's psychiatric hospital, will find herself with a diagnosis of Aspergers.

Good on you, Karin; I admire you very much for your decision.

 

[Sully]

I respect your decision, but I just want to point out one thing. Many aspies appear "perfectly fine" on the outside, but no one else knows how much effort it takes on the inside to appear that way.

 

[Karin]

I agree, Sully, as I know one of them. It is not an easy decision. I base mine on my son very doing well in school and liking it a lot, having gotten better at raising his hand in class and having close friends. Any of these, including my decision, may change on short notice and I will keep watching him closely.

 

[Karin]

I want to add that while I began to seek information about aspergers due to my daughter being examined, I have found that I am most likely an aspie too.

To me, it doesn't make much of a difference, mostly a couple of 'ah, that would explain it...' I feel I already know myself very well and have made peace with my quirks. So I don't think it would have mattered to me to have known earlier. But no two people are alike so I can't really use my own experience when deciding what I should do for my son.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Aye, true that. I think a diagnosis is only more relevant the more severe the autism is. The lighter you are on the spectrum, the less necessary it is, although still quite appreciated to know the root cause of some nuisances and thus a bit of a way to work around or with them.

For the perks, well, it's more fun to pretend you're just that awesome to begin with and you didn't get any help with it.

 

[musclecarman]

by the way if you live in the US be careful of autism speaks they think its a disease but its not its a gift only a few people have (or that's how I think it is)

 

[Karin]

I am already working on explaining the mechanism behind autism in a way that provides more understanding and less drama I practiced on mother-in-law last week and feel I did rather well.

I will be the first to admit I was ignorant of the topic only a few weeks ago but due to my own presence on the spectrum I pick up on new topics that interest me really fast. What I find most interesting is that as I am now talking to people about autism, most people I come across know at least one person or family of a person with Aspergers. It's a lot more common than I thought. I've always been outspoken about topics that are supposed to be taboo, like my daughter being in the psychiatric ward. I find I am always met with equal openness and an opportunity to share the stories of others they otherwise keep hidden.

In the case of my son, I talked to his main teacher who is a wise and sensible woman. The end result is once I'm back home from hospitalization with my daughter, I'll give him enough hints to make him see the connection and a few leads, referring to his sister's situation, for him to investigate if he wants to.

 

[Tom]

I think its a hard decision to make and I can see pros & cons on either side. I am in a similar situation with a son. He's currently serving in the military and doing well. He does make friends, is a volunteer fireman/EMT. He's deployed.

In a lot of ways he's identical to me (also was military) and I didn't find out, or at least did not start to suspect it seriously till my late 30's, though in my late 20s I did go for help at the mental health clinic for stress related issues (I thought) and was treated for anxiety thereafter - and remained in the military till retirement.

The knowledge (knowing you are Aspie) is very helpful in understanding how and why you do things and helps sort out difficulties you have with relating with NTs. But it also can be a serious limiting factor: making it known or it being found out can kill a career or a relationship or friendship.

So I leave well enough alone, or as we used to always say in the military 'if its not broke, don't fix it'. But if it does come out or he starts to question, I am ready to assist as best I can.

 

[Gordy]

Although my life has been an awful struggle, not knowing what was going on, at least, I pushed myself to my limits and beyond, and if I had known, I probably would have not had some amazing experiences I had, with not knowing.

You say he has friends etc etc, so why tell him now eh? He is 14 and that is a very vulnerable when we are in school with our peers. He seems to have found himself a little niche for himself where he feels happy.

If I were a mother faced with the same thing, I would choose to not say anything, unless a situation comes up where it would be beneficial for him to know.

I agree 100%. I see parents of children diagnosed with ASD who reduce their expectations of what the child is capable of. Or they are persuaded by others that some things just won't be possible. I was not diagnosed until after I had been CEO of a company, a non executive director of other companies and head of a charity. I am convinced that if I had been diagnosed as a child I would not have had those opportunities.

I could be wrong of course...

 

[Beverly]

Why does he need to know now at all. Had I known at that age I would not have done all that I did do. Many times I had to push myself well beyond my meltdown point and, keep pushing, hide my internal meltdown and go on. I had to learn to perform on auto pilot, while I loved it, the noise, blaring music, stage lights changing colors and panning over the stage, the stadium lights in an on and off pattern illuminating different section of the audience, cameras, flashing, people screaming, video or LCD screens flashing all around me, runway light running up and down the runway as a band mate chased them and danced among them, slapping hands with the audience. The stage vibrating to the beat of the music under my feet, the are reverberating with countless sound waves.

For the first full tour, that was complete overload for me but, i pushed myself to get out there and do it right. By the second year on tour, I was as hyped as the rest of the band for the show to start, I was dancing, singing, reaching for the audience same as the rest of my band.

Had i know that I was an Aspie and, that Aspies shouldn't be able to handle that day in and day out, and definitely shouldn't like being overloaded, I would have given up and found a quiet job flipping hamburgers or sweeping floors. I didn't know, I only knew it was hard for me but, it would be worth it if I could do it so, I made myself do it.

Now I know that was more of a feat than I thought it was at the time but, had I not done it, I'd be living payday to payday, barely keeping a roof over my head and wondering if I had enough food to last the week. I don't want that life, I want the life I have. I want the life I pushed to get because I didn't know I couldn't have it.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I told my son nothing (other than he was taking a battery of tests to help find out why school was so problematic).

I knew he was ready the day I was accompanying him a long distance to a musical event in which he would be performing, and he said to me, "Mom, why am I so weird?"

It was the way he said it.

He was 17, and I let him drive the conversation (as well as the car). When he had asked the questions, he finished with, "And you trust me to drive the car?"

Then I talked more freely about love, trust, and the data that says what he's capable of, and used some examples on the trip for why freely sharing what's on his mind had backfired with people he didn't know and wouldn't ever see again. And, yes, of course I trust him to drive--the car, as well as his life.