What do you consider being "needy"?

[Plumeria]

Hi AC friends,
I haven't posted in awhile but I'm doing better -- I still miss my Aspie but I'm just letting time heal my heart and hope that one day he will still reach out to me. I've been wondering though … I've read a lot of books and posts about NT/AS communication. On one hand, NT's must be specific about their needs and wants to their AS partner but I also read that some Aspie's become overwhelmed or think that their parter becomes too "needy." At what point does asking for what we (NT's) want become too needy? I ask because NT's and Aspie's need for space and communication are different.

I know in an NT/NT relationship, constantly asking for what you want can be looked at as "needy." But we might have to do this in a relationship with an Aspie if he is not able to remember. Some things also considered needy are insecurities which requires the partner to "check in", constantly calling/texting, taking over your partners Facebook page, checking your partner's voicemails/emails, having to see each other all the time and discussing marriage too early. I'm sure these would be considered needy in any relationship. Some NTs thrive on having constant communication via text/IM/email/phone calls throughout the day….would that be too much to ask from an Aspie?

I'm hoping that I'll have another chance with my ex and if I do, I want to make sure that I am clear to him about my needs without becoming too "needy."

 

[The Penguin]

Response from a complex AS penguin. I am guilty at times being needy. It might relate too I lived on my own age 17, never had any good friends, never had great family support. When I get a chance to have someone in my life, I tend not want to let them go. However, the person had a life prior to knowing me. I turned off many people the way how I use to be. It can be hard. I tend to accept a life alone but I don't think that what you want for your life. I guess maybe try to work out some type of balance. I think for a relationship a person should be in touch with someone at least a few times a week. But it does not need to be every day at less if both parties want that.

 

[On the Inside]

I wrote a long reply to your topic, but it ended up being a little to personal to broadcast, so I have sent it to you in a PM.

Communication is only half of it, carrying out the requests is maybe even more than half of it. Giving reminders, and gently coaching someone in order to help them meet your emotional needs might work, or it might leave you frustrated or resentful. If you really care for someone, and are understanding and patient, it might be worth it.

Good luck.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I've been told I'm too clingy/needy at times, but I have very slowly learned the concept of moderation.

If you meet a clingy Aspie, you could probably keep up constant and stalker like communication and it go over swimmingly. If you meet a not-so-clingy Aspie, I'd simply ask what boundaries to keep in mind. While I do have my rather grabby and overly affectionate side, I inherited my dad's lovely morning disposition of "don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't even think about me until I've had time to wake up".

 

[Lola_Daydream]

I've been told I'm too clingy/needy at times, but I have very slowly learned the concept of moderation.

If you meet a clingy Aspie, you could probably keep up constant and stalker like communication and it go over swimmingly. If you meet a not-so-clingy Aspie, I'd simply ask what boundaries to keep in mind. While I do have my rather grabby and overly affectionate side, I inherited my dad's lovely morning disposition of "don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't even think about me until I've had time to wake up".

Yeah don't ask questions before a full cup of coffee, that is rude rude rude...

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Plumeria,or what you want can be looked at as "needy."[/QUOTE]

Sorry for your loss. The needy thing is difficult for me to if you are in love it is natural to want as much time as you can get with a person. On the other hand while sorting through the smoldering wreckage and looking up stuff on how to do it better the next time I noticed the concept of leaving them wanting more keeps coming up. In hind sight I should have limited the length or number of dates per week a little more. And I feel that letting my ex talk on the phone till one in the morning may have drained some of the romance and anticipation from our dates. Balancing this may be difficult too little and they may feel unloved, to much and and the magic fades and dating becomes work. I suppose one just has to watch for signs need, or restlessness and try to make adjustments. But this could drift into deeper compatibility issues....sometimes luck just doesn't smile on you.
I don't like games, but this one may be unavoidable.
Note on the aspie thing I'm only 1/2 as 1/2 au so I'm not sure how well this applies. But I found dates in strange social settings and dealing with new family and new life changes very stressful. Sometimes I would get so tired I would crash and sleep for a whole day. So keeping the dates in familiar or low stress surroundings and moving slowly and softly on the new family, new life stuff may help allot. Best wishes Maelstrom

 

[Nadador]

On one hand, NT's must be specific about their needs and wants to their AS partner but I also read that some Aspie's become overwhelmed or think that their parter becomes too "needy." At what point does asking for what we (NT's) want become too needy?

Welcome back, and sorry for your pain.

I think it all comes down to timing, and moderation. My partner has to choose his moments with me, if he wants to express his needs, and the "right moment" isn't always the one when the need is being neglected. He has also learned to couple related issues together, so we can address things more generally, as well as specifically, if that makes any sense. He wouldn't be smart to unleash a whole litany of "asks" at once, though. Then I would get the feeling I was just a total loser. That can be an overwhelming feeling for me to process, and may trigger an explosion, or a sharp withdrawal, if I'm not in the right frame of mind. Balance, balance, balance.

I'd say the point where one becomes too needy is the point where the other partner starts responding negatively. True, I can sometimes get a bit defencive even the first time an issue is raised, but luckily my more signal-sensitive NT can tell the difference between irritation and full-on resentment. When I seem resentful, that's a good time for him to start a conversation about my needs, then get round to his own once I feel I've been heard. It brings my tone down to a manageable level for listening.

"Needy" is also about pursuit, for me. If I walk away from Adam's request for me to understand his needs, it often has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with my requirement to retreat and process, or to get my emotions in check before responding. If I am pursued when I decline to engage on the subject of his needs, I feel quite suffocated. This can be physically uncomfortable for me, as well as psychologically. "Pursuit" is also about frequent contact, like texts or phone calls. I tend to be quite focused on what I'm doing and where I am, often out of a degree of necessity, so interruptions can really annoy me. I've read that many Aspie males are very sensitive to over-communication via technology, and just in general. NT men tire of feeling "over-accessed" easily enough, but add Asperger's and you may have yourself a chap who simply can't tolerate much checking in.

All this having been said, every Aspie is different. The best person to get information from is your Aspie ex-partner, if you ever get the chance. The first conversation you might want to have would be about this subject, as a show of wanting to improve conditions that upset him.

You shouldn't feel bad about your troubles understanding the concept of Aspie needs v. NT needs in relationships, by the way, or the impact those may have had on your former one. Not if you didn't do anything to cause friction deliberately. We're not an easy species to figure out, and you wouldn't likely have had many role model NT/AS couples around you to imitate. I just want to make sure you know not to beat yourself up.

 

[Ste11aeres]

"Pursuit" is also about frequent contact, like texts or phone calls. I tend to be quite focused on what I'm doing and where I am, often out of a degree of necessity, so interruptions can really annoy me. I've read that many Aspie males are very sensitive to over-communication via technology, and just in general. NT men tire of feeling "over-accessed" easily enough, but add Asperger's and you may have yourself a chap who simply can't tolerate much checking in.

Do you think the type of technology influences it? I dislike getting text messages or too many phone calls, but have no problem with multiple emails. The difference is that the phone calls can interfere with my schedule, or in the case that I couldn't answer the phone it is annoying to see the missed calls, and text messages also cause noise and seem to demand to be read right away. However when it comes to emails, I only check my email when I'm actually ready and willing to read emails, so I don't mind if there was a bunch of them from the same person. Is that true for you?

 

[Nadador]

Do you think the type of technology influences it? I dislike getting text messages or too many phone calls, but have no problem with multiple emails. The difference is that the phone calls can interfere with my schedule, or in the case that I couldn't answer the phone it is annoying to see the missed calls, and text messages also cause noise and seem to demand to be read right away. However when it comes to emails, I only check my email when I'm actually ready and willing to read emails, so I don't mind if there was a bunch of them from the same person. Is that true for you?

I agree about emails. I suppose that's why I didn't even think to mention them. They're no bother at all. As you said, I can check them when I have time. Thinking about that further, I wonder if part of my annoyance with texts is also about their brevity, and all of the abbreviations, etc. I prefer more complete communication. The only time I truly welcome texts is when they are important to what's happening in the moment. For example, I appreciate a text from someone if we are supposed to meet and they are running late, or can't find me. Anything else can wait, as far as I'm concerned. Perhaps it's because of my age.

By far the most annoying text in the world, to me, is one that just says something akin to "OK", at the end of a conversation. Please spare me that extra interruption. If we've had a successful exchange so far, I feel safe to assume that you got my last message. I don't need further confirmation, unless I ask for it. Is that awful of me?

 

[karl]

Response from a complex AS penguin. I am guilty at times being needy. It might relate too I lived on my own age 17, never had any good friends, never had great family support. When I get a chance to have someone in my life, I tend not want to let them go. However, the person had a life prior to knowing me. I turned off many people the way how I use to be. It can be hard. I tend to accept a life alone but I don't think that what you want for your life. I guess maybe try to work out some type of balance. I think for a relationship a person should be in touch with someone at least a few times a week. But it does not need to be every day at less if both parties want that.

This was almost identical to what I wanted to post I'm "guilty" of being to needy my nt partner hates it but is beinore.and more understanding since day zero (diagnosis)

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

The problem is that aspies are just as diverse as NTs. Personally I find pretty much everything needy, beyond what I would expect from a casual friend. The one time I tried dating I almost immediately became annoyed at his desire 'check up' on me, be in contact every day, and be affectionate in public (the first and last being particularly irritating) . I tend to observe my friends relationships with a vague sense of bemusement. However, I'm a rather extreme case, so this probably not relevant to your relationship at all

 

[Plumeria]

Thanks for all the replies! It does look like this subject is diverse and depends on the individual.

Welcome back, and sorry for your pain.

All this having been said, every Aspie is different. The best person to get information from is your Aspie ex-partner, if you ever get the chance. The first conversation you might want to have would be about this subject, as a show of wanting to improve conditions that upset him.

You shouldn't feel bad about your troubles understanding the concept of Aspie needs v. NT needs in relationships, by the way, or the impact those may have had on your former one. Not if you didn't do anything to cause friction deliberately. We're not an easy species to figure out, and you wouldn't likely have had many role model NT/AS couples around you to imitate. I just want to make sure you know not to beat yourself up.

Thanks Nadador. I think I did exactly what your partner does for you… I tried to think about what to say and looked for the right time to say things to him. I think I provided HIM with what he emotionally needed… space, understanding, patience but I think we broke up because I shared with him that I was starting to feel neglected and unappreciated… and I cried. Or, maybe, he got bored of me and founds someone else… I don't know

I didn't really share my needs with him because I was fearful of pushing him away and I didn't suspect he was an aspie until after we broke up. So, during our relationship, I had the typical NT idea that "he should know what I want without me having to directly say it" (sometimes I gave hints) and if he didn't do the things, it was because he didn't want to -- which lead to my feelings of neglect and/or disappointment. That's how my past NT relationships worked, thats how my friends' NT relationships work… BUT when one starts to EXPECT things from their partner, it causes problems regardless if its an NT or AS relationship. Maybe thats why a lot of relationships dont last?

Of course post break up, suspecting he's AS and learning about AS, I wonder if I could have done things differently. I wonder if I had shared my needs directly instead of secretly hoping he would fulfill them, I wouldn't have become so emotional and pushed him away. I see now that this is something I need to work on for all of my future relationships!

Again, thank you for sharing… I dont feel bad about what I did during our relationship, I think I treated him the best way I could (with what I knew at the time) but I realize I was not communicating MY needs to him. I hope, if we do get back together some day, I'll have the tools and knowledge to communicate in a healthier way …. which will benefit BOTH of us

 

[Nadador]

I didn't really share my needs with him because I was fearful of pushing him away and I didn't suspect he was an aspie until after we broke up.

Of course post break up, suspecting he's AS and learning about AS, I wonder if I could have done things differently. I wonder if I had shared my needs directly instead of secretly hoping he would fulfill them, I wouldn't have become so emotional and pushed him away. I see now that this is something I need to work on for all of my future relationships!

I have an old relationship of my own that I've been revisiting in my thoughts, of late. Hindsight is always so much clearer. It would be very useful to find a way to remove ourselves just enough when we're in the think of things, to see our situation more objectively. In matters of the heart, it so hard to be "scientific".

That you didn't suspect he was an Aspie until after your breakup explains a lot. My partner tells me he never realised how poorly he communicated in other relationships, until he was in one where explicit communication was absolutely required. He feels he's been learning a lot about himself from it, and it sounds as thought it's been instructive for you, too. We really do live and learn.

Whatever happens, I hope you can find the peace you need.

 

[Judge]

Hindsight indeed. I'm pretty optimistic in that had I been aware of my own autism in past relationships with NTs that I might have been able to salvage some of them. But that was long ago, before I gave up on relationships altogether.

Now as I move forward, there's just no one there for me. Frustrating...too little too late.

 

[On the Inside]

That you didn't suspect he was an Aspie until after your breakup explains a lot. My partner tells me he never realised how poorly he communicated in other relationships, until he was in one where explicit communication was absolutely required. He feels he's been learning a lot about himself from it, and it sounds as thought it's been instructive for you, too. We really do live and learn.

This explains the difficulty I've had in my current relationship. It is what brought along the process of being diagnosed. I went along easily enough before without communicating very well, not aware why I didn't seem to get through to people, or why I seemed to miss what they were trying to get across. My previous relationship wasn't very challenging in the communication department, so it never was much of a problem.

Live and learn, as you say.

 

[Plumeria]

OMG, he just texted me... Out of the blue!

 

[On the Inside]

Hey, that's a happy coincidence.

 

[Nadador]

OMG, he just texted me... Out of the blue!

Well, speak of the devil. Fill us in!

 

[Nadador]

Hindsight indeed. I'm pretty optimistic in that had I been aware of my own autism in past relationships with NTs that I might have been able to salvage some of them. But that was long ago, before I gave up on relationships altogether.

Now as I move forward, there's just no one there for me. Frustrating...too little too late.

There should be a response icon for "I empathise". I was alone for a decade after having a bad run of relationships, and was sure I was done forever. The three relationships I've had since that long break have all been with people who approached me first, as I don't go looking anymore. Two of those were unsuccessful, obviously, but then, when I least expected it, I found the person whom I truly believe could be my life partner. I'm all for withdrawing when necessary, for as long as one needs, but I hope you're open to the possibility that someday, someone might come along and surprise you. You just never know who's out there, and how or when your paths might cross.

Having said that, I can respect someone who has decided they're just done with all of it. There are other ways to fill a life than with another person. If you can be happy with that, more power to you.

 

[Plumeria]

I'm posting it my other thread, if you want to follow there.. That way I don't have to post in two places