What do you consider being "needy"?

[Grumpy Cat]

If you can't do BLANK, then you're not my partner, friend, whatever.

Isn't that what a partner or friend is doing, though, fulfilling a need? If people didn't have these needs, we would all be by ourselves and that would make us happy. It's when you have a longing for something and you can't find it in yourself that you go out and try to find someone who can give you that need. And the more I think about it, isn't a partner there to fulfill emotional needs - like friendship, conversing, intimacy, doing fun things together? I think of Aspies as being more "logical" and there really isn't anything logical about friendships and relationships. They just are. They say you try to find someone who has the things that you don't which probably is because you want that need inside yourself to be fulfilled. Idk. Maybe I'm just rambling.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Vinca, -if I wasn't able to do what he wanted then I would become stressed.
I keep thinking there must be a system of communication (most likely involving muliplte options and tick boxes), that would enable two people to make 'need requests', which would facilitate the negotiation of a course of action in which the needs and limitations of both parties would be accommadated.[/QUOTE]

You are right of of course Vinca, and the two key words are, (able and accommodate), relationships are like the art of blackmail if you get too greedy and ask for more than they are, (willing), or,(able), to give they will either walk or try to kill you. I tried that gentle explaining and negotiating thing with my ex, and she knew she was in the red, and asking for something that was not right, but she just kept circling back in for one more try to put her thumb on the scales and get her way. And that is the most damming thing, that she cared more about getting her way, than my welfare, I wanted to please her, but I would not have survived very long in her step moms evil house. To this day I can't understand why my affection rated less then that horror.(sigh!) I really need to find someone new so I can forget her.

I don't know Grumpy Cat people are not vending machines, all I know is, be careful what you ask for, because if they can't give it to you, things go REAL BAD, REAL FAST.

 

[On the Inside]

Isn't that what a partner or friend is doing, though, fulfilling a need? If people didn't have these needs, we would all be by ourselves and that would make us happy. It's when you have a longing for something and you can't find it in yourself that you go out and try to find someone who can give you that need. And the more I think about it, isn't a partner there to fulfill emotional needs - like friendship, conversing, intimacy, doing fun things together? I think of Aspies as being more "logical" and there really isn't anything logical about friendships and relationships. They just are. They say you try to find someone who has the things that you don't which probably is because you want that need inside yourself to be fulfilled. Idk. Maybe I'm just rambling.

Doesn't seem like rambling to me, makes a lot of sense. I must say that I have a rather unclear idea of what things I don't have that could be fulfilled by another, and therefore, an unclear idea of what someone might be looking for from me.

There is something deeper than "friendship, conversing, intimacy, and doing fun things together" that I seem to not be able to provide, or am doing a lousy job at. Either that or other difficulties that I have, and the baffling, frustrating, chaotic stuff that goes along with them outweighs my abilities to fulfill them.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Doesn't seem like rambling to me, makes a lot of sense. I must say that I have a rather unclear idea of what things I don't have that could be fulfilled by another, and therefore, an unclear idea of what someone might be looking for from me.

There is something deeper than "friendship, conversing, intimacy, and doing fun things together" that I seem to not be able to provide, or am doing a lousy job at. Either that or other difficulties that I have, and the baffling, frustrating, chaotic stuff that goes along with them outweighs my abilities to fulfill them.

What are you really looking for when it comes to a partner or friend, On the Inside?

 

[Maelstrom]

What are you really looking for when it comes to a partner or friend, On the Inside?

Well I'm looking affection, someone who enjoys my company, and a soft place to fall, life is hard for me I don't need another battleground when I come home, I don't expect perfection of course and sometimes I worry that what I'm hoping for doesn't exist.

 

[On the Inside]

Before I was diagnosed, it was acceptance of who I was, and understanding that I may not be able to be what I want to be, but I'm still going to talk about it and try different ways to get there.

Now that I'm diagnosed, acceptance of who I really am, and understanding that I'm trying to be myself, to the best of my abilities.

I've spent most of my life trying to be someone that I'm not, wanting things that I had no idea how to get, getting into situations where I didn't belong, leaving myself and others baffled at my behaviors, wondering where "I" really am. It was fun at times when I was younger; life seemed more like a circus, with something new and exciting coming up all the time.

I'm working on clarifying what it is I'm looking for, that will take more time. More importantly, I'm trying to fulfill more of the needs of my partner.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="On the Inside, I've spent most of my life trying to be someone that I'm not, wanting things that I had no idea how to get, getting into situations where I didn't belong,[/QUOTE]

I know how you feel, (On the Inside), have been there. I didn't know I was a Auspie when my ex asked to date me, but I knew I was different carefully explained what she was getting into. One last things I said before we started dating was, "You know no mater how carefully you peel a apple you will not get to eat a orange". Blank look after blank look I don't think she heard a single word in the six months I dated her, I hope there are some girls out there who will at least try to listen to their boyfriends once in a while. It is not much fun to be in a romance and feel invisible.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Before I was diagnosed, it was acceptance of who I was, and understanding that I may not be able to be what I want to be, but I'm still going to talk about it and try different ways to get there.

Now that I'm diagnosed, acceptance of who I really am, and understanding that I'm trying to be myself, to the best of my abilities.

I've spent most of my life trying to be someone that I'm not, wanting things that I had no idea how to get, getting into situations where I didn't belong, leaving myself and others baffled at my behaviors, wondering where "I" really am. It was fun at times when I was younger; life seemed more like a circus, with something new and exciting coming up all the time.

I'm working on clarifying what it is I'm looking for, that will take more time. More importantly, I'm trying to fulfill more of the needs of my partner.

I'm thinking that any relationship or friendship for an Aspie is never going to be "non-headachey" (my word for not causing a headache). I believe it's always going to be work for the Aspie if they have to fulfill the other person's (NT) needs cause it just isn't in the Aspie makeup (DNA), as friendships and relationships are mostly emotional. That's why it is very important to have a partner who understands somewhat about Aspieism (is that a word?) and always wants to learn more, otherwise both people will eventually be unhappy. Is your present partner person in that category?

 

[On the Inside]

Yes, she has been very understanding and willing to learn about it, but it has been hard on her. At least now I know what my problem is, I've gotten my anxiety treated, and am in a better position to be in a partnership.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Yes, she has been very understanding and willing to learn about it, but it has been hard on her. At least now I know what my problem is, I've gotten my anxiety treated, and am in a better position to be in a partnership.

That's good, Mr. On the Inside. It is hard learning Aspie. I've said many times that it's like learning a completely different language. This is just an idea, but the "Men from Mars and Women from Venus" book might be helpful for you in learning why NT women are like they are and what needs they have. I highly recommend it!

 

[AsheSkyler]

This is a difficult and depressing thread, because if you are in love with some one, and they say they are in love with you, you would think contact and time together would be fairly welcome? So how do you measure between the need for space and a lack of love and consideration? Very difficult they both look almost identical, we're down to parsing annoyed tone of voice when they pick up the phone, or looking for a general one way pattern on willingness or reciprocation. This one is real hard as I would feel terrible if I dumped a nice person just because they were tired, on the other hand no one wants to invest too much time in a selfish person. This one haunts me......

My husband and I don't have any issues. We're pretty blunt about it. "Don't touch me, I feel sick." "Okay, consider yourself kissed! Let me know if I can get you something. " And then a few hours or the next day we try again for some kind of physical contact, usually with a question every few hours if their condition has improved. Because, well, it's hard to be happy when your baby feels bad! We're both prone to stomach aches, head aches, and sleep trouble. The only time we have trouble is when our problems coincide, because somebody is going to have to shoulder through it so the toddler isn't left alone. It usually falls to whoever's issues are flaring up the least.

 

[Maelstrom]

My husband and I don't have any issues. We're pretty blunt about it. "Don't touch me, I feel sick." "Okay, consider yourself kissed! Let me know if I can get you something. " And then a few hours or the next day we try again for some kind of physical contact, usually with a question every few hours if their condition has improved. Because, well, it's hard to be happy when your baby feels bad!

Hi I found the ultimate dating video for winning over girlfriends. I will have to refind it for you all to see what you think. Thats the good news, the bad news is the advice is not very aspie friendly. Maintaining intimate eye contact, hanging on her every word, softly and sweetly paroting back bits so she feels shes the greek orical of delfy. Almost never talking about ones self or ones interests. Leaning away, and pretending you don't care if she likes you, while some how flirting with her at the same time, Uug! He demonstrated the eye voice and face thing so well, that I have little doubt that he is correct, but I find this very depressing I am H/F but learning to do this stuff consistantly to make a woman happy is going to very hard. Sigh poor Mael

 

[AsheSkyler]

Hi I found the ultimate dating video for winning over girlfriends. I will have to refind it for you all to see what you think. Thats the good news, the bad news is the advice is not very aspie friendly. Maintaining intimate eye contact, hanging on her every word, softly and sweetly paroting back bits so she feels shes the greek orical of delfy. Almost never talking about ones self or ones interests. Leaning away, and pretending you don't care if she likes you, while some how flirting with her at the same time, Uug! He demonstrated the eye voice and face thing so well, that I have little doubt that he is correct, but I find this very depressing I am H/F but learning to do this stuff consistantly to make a woman happy is going to very hard. Sigh poor Mael

Heheh, that brings back a lot of fond memories of old times on chat lines. Whenever a guy would come on telling me about all those kinds of things he'd do, I'd spend the rest of the conversation discussing in length how he's a creep, a sleazeball, and knows nothing of women. Might be because I'm autistic, but constant "hungry eye" contact and somebody being hyper-focused on me gets on my nerves. But, if I was a guy I'd have no doubt I'd be terminally single because women baffle me to no end. Who knows? They might like that stuff.

 

[Maelstrom]

Heheh, that brings back a lot of fond memories of old times on chat lines. Whenever a guy would come on telling me about all those kinds of things he'd do, I'd spend the rest of the conversation discussing in length how he's a creep, a sleazeball, and knows nothing of women. Might be because I'm autistic, but constant "hungry eye" contact and somebody being hyper-focused on me gets on my nerves. But, if I was a guy I'd have no doubt I'd be terminally single because women baffle me to no end. Who knows? They might like that stuff.

I know what you mean, but I'm not a player, am just trying to learn to do things right, and being a H/F auspie is not helping much. I need to keep the women from running screaming into the woods long enough, to see my good qualities that make up for being a auspie. This Dating expert is really good he seems to be coming at it more from the Promise Keepers point of view. His stuff seems to be mostly free so I am not plugging him. His name is Jad T. Jones and the video I referred to is, How To Get a Girl To Like You, the eye contact stuff is about half way into the video and was what made me sit up and take notice. Take a look on youtube and see what you think I ran the search phrase Dating Tips.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I know what you mean, but I'm not a player, am just trying to learn to do things right, and being a H/F auspie is not helping much. I need to keep the women from running screaming into the woods long enough, to see my good qualities that make up for being a auspie. This Dating expert is really good he seems to be coming at it more from the Promise Keepers point of view. His stuff seems to be mostly free so I am not plugging him. His name is Jad T. Jones and the video I referred to is, How To Get a Girl To Like You, the eye contact stuff is about half way into the video and was what made me sit up and take notice. Take a look on youtube and see what you think I ran the search phrase Dating Tips.

I avoid videos outside of comedy, honestly.

 

[Maelstrom]

I avoid videos outside of comedy, honestly.

Ah well don't worry about it, its just just something I've been struggling with since almost getting engaged, I am trying not to make the same mistakes twice. Perhaps the whole thing is a waste of time at my age, I only feel like I'm in my early 20s but maybe life has past me by. The fireworks are shaking my house right now, managed to get the last cat in just as they were starting. Anyways I think it never hurts to be prepared as possible for this sort life changing stuff. I am tired of falling flat on my auspie face, it would be nice to win one for once. Sorry I bothered you with the video, I've only known the auspie thing since mid summer and I am still working through this stuff. Just thought I'd see what you guys thought as you know more about this auspies eye contact people stuff than me.

 

[paloftoon]

1) Maybe the question is being asked again because it hasn't been answered appropriately.
2) What does answering a question with the proper response mean? Whatever response a person gives is their proper response.
3) I don't see how being too close to family is clingy. My Aspie friend is close to his parents and that is one thing I greatly admire about him.
4) What is fear of social anxieties? Is that fear of social situations? And if so, isn't that an Aspie trait?

You bring up many great points Grumpy cat!

1. You may be right that maybe it wasn't answered appropriately, maybe someone could not comprehend all the details. It is also possible that someone was just tuning the other(s) person out [unintentionally].

2. An example of an improper response is intentionally not responding to a question, such as if you invite someone to a game night, and they don't answer your calls or e-mails, or if they only answer you after you contact them every single time, or if you call them, but then they refuse to call you and will only e-mail you, albeit always the last minute. Or, other person forgets all the time AND expects you to be their daily planner (no thank you!!) So what I mean by that is the degree of the reciprocation factor, if any, and the respect given for your time and energy.

3. You can get along with your family and live independently and responsibly. However, you can also live with your family and mooch off of them for money and not even try to live more on your own or respect what you do have. So, yes, being close to family can be very admirable, but it can also be limiting too. Being more independent, while more responsibilities, you can do stuff that is 21+ and usually for younger crowds that most older people would not want to be a part of. You may be able to converse with other people more than if you were always around with your parents. If a potential friend is not around with their parents, and they see you with your parents all the time, they might feel threatened and uncomfortable to hang out with you because you would be too dependent on doing things only with your family.

4. I never thought of it that way, but yes, it is an aspie trait! So, yes, it could be fear of social situations. It could also be fear of dealing with certain types of reactions from people rather than the actual socialization itself. So, without realizing it before, I guess I did imply that most of us on here are very needy in this regard including myself. I get scared and frustrated, but I know that I have to keep looking for different people or different ways to say positive things, or different people to hang out for different things. Or, maybe call certain people last minute only.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Ah well don't worry about it, its just just something I've been struggling with since almost getting engaged, I am trying not to make the same mistakes twice. Perhaps the whole thing is a waste of time at my age, I only feel like I'm in my early 20s but maybe life has past me by. The fireworks are shaking my house right now, managed to get the last cat in just as they were starting. Anyways I think it never hurts to be prepared as possible for this sort life changing stuff. I am tired of falling flat on my auspie face, it would be nice to win one for once. Sorry I bothered you with the video, I've only known the auspie thing since mid summer and I am still working through this stuff. Just thought I'd see what you guys thought as you know more about this auspies eye contact people stuff than me.

No bother at at all! And I've only known about my own since September, so you're ahead of me.

I have no idea how to woo women that don't fit my particular description or possible social flabor, and that's only because I am one. If I was a guy, I'd be terminally single.

 

[Maelstrom]

No bother at at all! And I've only known about my own since September, so you're ahead of me.

I have no idea how to woo women that don't fit my particular description or possible social flabor, and that's only because I am one. If I was a guy, I'd be terminally single.

Oh I thought you all were long time aspies. The reason I brought it up was how much the courting skills,(needed), conflict with aspie eye contact, face reading, and body language deficits. Those things are discussed here all the time. But I will just have to do my best on improving my communication skills, and hope I find someone who will accept them. The stupid thing with my ex girlfriend is I was trying so hard to please her I may have canceled out my one natural aspie charm, the I'm not clingy I don't care if you walk thing. There are so many contradictory things you have to do in courting, pretend you don't like a girl much while flirting at the same time, flirt aggressively while leaning back at the same time so she doesn't feel threatened, persuing while maintaining space. Figuring out how to charm a girl while making her feel safe is not always easy to do.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Oh I thought you all were long time aspies. The reason I brought it up was how much the courting skills,(needed), conflict with aspie eye contact, face reading, and body language deficits. Those things are discussed here all the time. But I will just have to do my best on improving my communication skills, and hope I find someone who will accept them. The stupid thing with my ex girlfriend is I was trying so hard to please her I may have canceled out my one natural aspie charm, the I'm not clingy I don't care if you walk thing. There are so many contradictory things you have to do in courting, pretend you don't like a girl much while flirting at the same time, flirt aggressively while leaning back at the same time so she doesn't feel threatened, persuing while maintaining space. Figuring out how to charm a girl while making her feel safe is not always easy to do.

Nope, I'm quite the baby. Always knew I was an oddball, but never had a name for it until recently.

Indeed, it's not easy. I was a very hard case. Most girls like massages and having their shoulders rubbed. It makes my skin crawl. I think maybe one good rule of thumb is not pretend. Downplay, possibly, but don't pretend. Also applies to the level of flirting. Show interest, but not obsession. (Until you get to that juicy stage of the relationship when they enjoy the obsession and infatuation.) Too bad we can't just do most of our talking with our prospective mates on forums. A lot of you Aspies on the prowl seem pretty likeable to me and have good foundations to build on.

After one of my little recent adventures, one good piece of advice I can give you now is to pay close attention to your potential in-laws. I know we naturally have trouble reading people, or are too dang determined/obsessive to be safe, but if you see signs of meddling, controlling, manipulation, or other red flags, address them with your partner then. Be nice about it, but don't be afraid about how potentially embarrassed or upset they get about you pointing it out. They may be worth the headache of however bad their parents are, but be as informed as you possibly can about what you're getting in to. There's an old saying about how you don't marry the person, you marry the family. It's got a bit of truth to that. If those problems are too severe, you could end up divorced or they end up estranged depending on how hard your mate tries to keep peace between you. It probably wouldn't hurt if I start a thread on that soon, that's a very important step in the long-term relationship process...