What Aspie traits positively enhance NT/AS relationships?

[JKG]

I am in an AS/NT relationship. My partner seems constantly frustrated by my AS traits. I am left wondering if there are Aspie traits that have a positive and enhancing impact upon relationships with NT people, especially partners. Have any of you had NT people who have made positive comments about how your AS traits affected them--especially those with whom you've lived with/dated/married? What is the relational upside of being with an Aspie?

 

[Suzanne]

My long memory I guess is one that my nt husband finds positive. He often says that if he had to be questioned etc, he would want me in the room, because I can remember every detail of what went on! But on the negative front and ironically, he doesn't trust my long memory; probably because his memory is pretty bad and so, finds it hard that I could actually remember such detail.

It is very hard being married to an nt but to be fair, it is very hard for an nt to be married to an aspie.

So, unfortunately mostly only negative things, and because you want to hear positive things, I shall say no more!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I am in an AS/NT relationship. My partner seems constantly frustrated by my AS traits. I am left wondering if there are Aspie traits that have a positive and enhancing impact upon relationships with NT people, especially partners. Have any of you had NT people who have made positive comments about how your AS traits affected them--especially those with whom you've lived with/dated/married? What is the relational upside of being with an Aspie?

I'm NT. I have a wonderful Aspie friend that I've known now for a year that I met here. We've had our ups and downs (usually on my end because of my way of NT thinking), but I still think he's the cat's meow. I've talked about a lot of what's happened between us in my "NT and Aspie Communication" thread. Things that happened at the time that totally confused me and now I just smile or laugh at. I have a hard time with the taking stuff literal because I have a sarcastic sense of humor. I think it would be very interesting to meet him in person. We only text now, but I'm hoping someday we can graduate to the telephone. Evidently, there isn't anything about him that must really bother me cause I hope that he will always be a part of my life.

 

[Harrison]

Although my last partner didn't know I was an aspie (I wasn't diagnosed at that time) she would comment that she liked -

The fact that I enjoyed doing the cooking
And the cleaning
Would do any repairs without being asked more than once
Would drive her anywhere
That I tidied up after myself
Did my own washing and ironing
Looked after the garden
Emptied the bins
Was a considerate and attentive lover
That I supported anything she wanted to go do for herself

Yes, I apparently was the butler and handyman.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

The hypersensitive empathy. A friend told me once that I was like a priest to her, because I "knew" things without being told. I didn't think I was doing anything special, but to her, it was astounding that I could pick things up.

 

[zurb]

nonjudgemental. committed. always hopes.

Check out Tony Attwood's list at The Discovery of “Aspie” Criteria

 

[JKG]

The hypersensitive empathy. A friend told me once that I was like a priest to her, because I "knew" things without being told. I didn't think I was doing anything special, but to her, it was astounding that I could pick things up.

Thanks for sharing this. Do you find there is a difference between that hypersensitive empathy and what books call "theory of mind" (the ability to see the world from another's perspective)? Supposedly, aspies are generally found lacking in the latter, however, as you say, we can often feel what animals and people feel in a heightened way.

 

[Warmheart]

Aspies can often be: Amazingly loyal, honest, trustworthy, devoted, with a strong sense of justice and a desire to live in a peaceful, ordered world. This can make for a very solid, reliable partner. Our abundant quirks are endearing, as well.

Always being in some stage of being "locked inside," communication can be challenging. Your aspie may find it easier to express love or concerns in emails than in spoken conversations.

Our wonderful empathy can mean that while our cognitive empathy ( reading of body language, social cues, perspective taking etc.) might be a bit impaired, our affective empathy (feeling your feelings right along with you, once we know what they are) can be tremendous. We don't want you to hurt. We simply may need you to say, or email in words, specifically how you feel.

ASD feels like: compassion, caged. We love, we feel, we want to help, nurture, and be a caring support for those we love. Both the reading of how another feels, and our responses, can sometimes be frustratingly inept. There are work-arounds to communicate, and to help us express our caring for you. Your patience and perseverance, I am certain, is so very appreciated by your cherished aspie.

 

[zurb]

Do you find there is a difference between that hypersensitive empathy and what books call "theory of mind" (the ability to see the world from another's perspective)?

I don't think I've ever seen theory of mind applied to empathy (or maybe I forget), though I guess it could.
It is usually related to understanding motives (making us easy targets) or knowing accurately how much the other person already understands in a situation (I know, therefore you know).

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Thanks for sharing this. Do you find there is a difference between that hypersensitive empathy and what books call "theory of mind" (the ability to see the world from another's perspective)? Supposedly, aspies are generally found lacking in the latter, however, as you say, we can often feel what animals and people feel in a heightened way.

I actually do have theory of mind, I can see the other's perspective, to some degree--it breaks over the justice thing a lot of us have, so although I can see, I don't always go along. TOM, as I understand it, is the ability to understand a rationale for someone advocating a position or choice, and then being able to 'bridge' the gap between two positions.

I don't think it's the same as empathy.

It does feel more like reacting to the other person from the lower brain, especially if I'm in a quiet state myself; heightened receptivity amplifies empathy. At least, that's how I think about it now.

 

[zurb]

I actually do have theory of mind, I can see the other's perspective, to some degree

Its funny to watch people argue sometimes - to be able to see both sides of an argument, and understand where they are coming from, yet know neither party is understanding the other. I think this is why we (or is it just me?) sometimes make good intermediaries.
The other word for 'Theory of mind' is actually 'making assumptions'. I think we learn 'assume' tends to make an ass of u and me (regardless of neurology), so we keep a more open mind. The key is being able to spot assumptions - which is not always easy.

 

[annominous]

I have one friend who recently told me she loves that I am 'no ********' and 'tell it like it is'. It is rare for someone to like that about me, but the ones who do tend to remain life-long friends. I told her 'oh, well that is because I'm autistic' and she was surprised, and said, 'oh then I really love that you're autistic'.

Harrison54 I'm not sure those are 'autistic traits', they sound more like 'decent man who doesn't expect a woman to look after the entire household' or 'decent man who doesn't expect a woman to do the 'woman' jobs' traits. I'm trying to teach those in my autistic household. I think a lot of us can tend to be rather slovenly and need reminders to clean ourselves. I can easily go a week without a shower just because I can't be bothered and don't think I need one.

 

[JuniperBug]

Its funny to watch people argue sometimes - to be able to see both sides of an argument, and understand where they are coming from, yet know neither party is understanding the other. I think this is why we (or is it just me?) sometimes make good intermediaries.
The other word for 'Theory of mind' is actually 'making assumptions'. I think we learn 'assume' tends to make an ass of u and me (regardless of neurology), so we keep a more open mind. The key is being able to spot assumptions - which is not always easy.

This literally happened to me today with my two good friends who were clearly arguing against point that neither of them were meaning to express. It's like you're quoting my mind!

 

[JuniperBug]

My fiance is NT (aside from having PTSD) and I think I bring a lot of good traits to our relationship. I'm not sure how many are Aspie related.

I'm very loyal and dependable
I can feel when she's upset (issues get resolved immediately because I can't stand to feel lingering tension in the air)
I'm extremely self aware and open/honest about my thoughts and feelings (this can get me into trouble but for the most part is a benefit to the relationship in my opinion.
She happens to find the tangents my head can create extremely funny so I can just let my mind go off and I effortlessly make her laugh every day
I almost always remember how to get places I've been before, whereas it takes her at least four or five times to memorize the route.

I asked her for some answers as well...

She says I'm direct and don't 'play games' or 'beat around the bush'. When I want/need something I just ask and I encourage her to do the same, which helps her access her own feelings and emotions.
She agrees that I'm loyal and says I love her a lot.
She says everything I do is 'so cute'. Haha! Well, after four years I'm glad I'm still cute.
She says the fact that I see things differently and think differently than her is often useful.

My diagnosis is still new so there are thing we've yet to discover...and probably plenty that I do that I just don't connect to Asperger's yet.

Thanks for the interesting question!

 

[Jakob Burto-Sundman]

My aspie NT relationships have always had a sort of priestly empathetic quality to then. IT has drawn NT women to me. I have said that I had the looks of a jock and the courage of a geek. It always confused me. As for the being hypersensitive it seems even the animals I have had as a kid have known this. I was once called a Dog Whisper by my sister because I could calm a dog we had that was in constant pain and I can calm the nut of a dog that I have now. But I think you alwasy have to figure out the good qualities for yourself I know I have had to.

 

[Tia Maria]

The openness & honesty ... REFRESHING qualities!!! I would think that as many here have already mentioned, an aspie is unlikely to "play games" in a relationship. THAT is PRICELESS. So many "NTs" have issues with communication & intimacy which creates difficulties & problems in their relationships. Loyalty? Another fabulous trait that would be extremely valuable to any committed relationship.

Good luck with your relationship JKG.

 

[Nadador]

My NT partner appreciates:

-- How calm and rational I am in a crisis
-- My objectivity, when he needs an opinion on situations for which an NT would be more prone to un-/conscious bias
-- When he asks me a question, he knows he'll always get an honest answer
-- When we argue, I stick to the subject at hand
-- I don't judge anyone or anything until I have all of the available information
-- I am never passive-aggressive or sarcastic, traits that tend to inflame disagreements
-- I always follow through on tasks and promises
-- I stick to my principles, which makes me a bit easier to predict
-- My strong sense of justice and loyalty assures him that I will always be faithful

 

[Suzanne]

The hypersensitive empathy. A friend told me once that I was like a priest to her, because I "knew" things without being told. I didn't think I was doing anything special, but to her, it was astounding that I could pick things up.

That is me too! But mostly online, for I am awful off line! I usually get asked if I have a doctorate in psychology lol no I reply just that I seem to be able to tap into how people think ( which to professionals, would make me an nt, I guess)

 

[inabox]

Hi JKG. I don't have time at the minute to read the other posts, so I might repeat some things, but I thought I'd like to tell you what I thought before I forgot about replying.

I have been in one relationship with an NT (male), which did not go well, but I've been told by friends, both aspie and NT, that he wasn't very a nice person anyway. I have been in 2 other relationships, both with aspies. Both males, but I'm thinking it would still apply to females. I did not get told these things by my partners, but I can see that because I have the aspie trait of complete honesty, as in I cannot lie, this must have been good. My last partner was the same and he knew that I did not/ could not lie and this was a comfort to him so he wouldn't feel misled and wouldn't worry about me lying to him. He also said I was in some ways naïve, which for him was good because he said I was "pure" to him, and I think this is a common aspie trait, being unaware of certain things.

If something else occurs to me I will let you know, but that is and was the main thing that I found positive

 

[AsheSkyler]

Stimming. I have worked out my frustrations on my husband's back many times. I would rub and knead and grip his back to the point I'd pretty much put him to sleep.