Watching a movie

[4na11]

Dear friends,
Even though I haven't been officially considered autistic I know I am neurodiverse, and I always knew I never was neurotypical.
Still, considering the possibility of being in the spectrum made me watch and rewatch my whole life over and over again, and I can clearly see all the signs that I do belong to the spectrum.
This is causing in me some kind of fear I never had.
I was previously diagnosed as bipolar, something that is not invalidated by this new diagnoses. But somehow, bipolar made me feel gifted.
Now I see my impairment more clearly, specially regarding my social skills.
I am 56 years old woman and I just moved by myself for the first time in my life.
I don't know how to operate a washing machine. I have traveled the world, I have washed my clothes in stones, rivers, baskets, but I never used a washing machine, because whenever I was at home someone else did that for me. My mind was programed to go through adventures, because it knew it would go back to the safe place back home.
Now I don't have a safe place, or I have to create it for myself. And I am so very incompetent at it.
I moved to a condo with lots of people that can help me, but this made things worse. Now I have people knocking at my door every second to help me out. My nerves are so tense I can hardly sleep. I feel as if I were in a battlefield and I can't remove my weapons, must keep them on all the time.
I can't ask for help and I need help. This is driving me crazy.
This is why I started researching, and understood more about my brain, that brilliant thing I was always so proud of. Now I see what kind of neurodiversity I have, and I am not happy with it.
So, when I came to terms with the fact that I must be in the spectrum I decided to communicate with my tribe, to see if one of you can help me make sense of me.
There are several things about autism I am acknowledging in me that I don't like. And I see people don't like either. This is a horrible sensation.
At the same time I still feel proud of my good points. It is just that lately they are not that much required, and life has been requiring of me things I am not good at.

 

[Wolfsage]

Kinda what I was worried about if I moved out and lived alone.
Hi by the way.
Asperger's, Schizotypal, and Add all official diagnosis.
Trying to ascend as you can see.

 

[Aspychata]

Funny thing this ND pishposh. Yet l feel perfectly at home here. You may like here, free coffee, and a dry cleaner in the virtual lobby for those of us who hate doing laundry.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome, I hope that you enjoy it here. Yes living alone can be challenging when you may have some executive function issues. Getting organised. Dealing with technology when even handbooks are unclear. Spiders. Etc. But nevertheless I expect you have lots to offer, as do we all. Can't be good at everything. Join in the discussions here, good to hear what you have to say.

 

[4na11]

Thank you for the kind welcome!
Domestic chores aren't that complex, they are just boring and waste of my time. I forget to eat when I have a creative project.
I could organize the whole optimized scheduled tasks for kitchen, laundry, cleaning, shopping, etc. But doing these activities is what I don't find appealing. I can plan the whole thing, think in advance, and put someone else to do it. But being myself in charge of doing those things I feel incompetent and lost.
I don't care much about eating and cleaning. It is a huge effort to keep people's standard's. I was not aware of that. I had people doing those things for me and took it for granted.
I feel overwhelmed with the amount of things I have to do myself, or pay someone to do, and right now I don't have the means.
I miss those times I could just focus on creating, intellectually or artistically.
Every time in my life I am deprived of practicing the things I am good at, and I am required to do things I am not good at, I feel miserable.
I think this world usually requires people to do neurotypical activities rather than neurodiverse activities, and this is why some of us feel sad. At least, if we don't find that space, where we can be our best, life would be like a prison.

 

[Finder]

You may find this useful: Acceptance as a Well Being Practice

 

[OkRad]

Welcome. It is hard. Being intelligent and yet dependent is very hard. I had other dx's before I was properly dxed with ASD and I do prefer the ASD dx by far. I hope you can get a lot of support here. There are so many people who see their ASD in so many different ways. I hope you find support here. So welcome!

 

[unperson]

well boredom and chores are a big part of life, inability to accept them may be an immaturity thing. In my case, it's cos I don't relate to having/being a physical body, so having to maintain both the body and it's environment feels annoying. I think maybe I decided reluctantly at some stage to accept the burden of having a body. It's like having a giant pet you have to feed, water, keep clean and outta trouble, sigh, but it's all part of the show.

Welcome to the site, I believe bipolar is a somewhat common co-morbid condition, you certainly wouldn't be the only person with both.

 

[SusanLR]

My mind was programed to go through adventures, because it knew it would go back to the safe place back home.
Now I don't have a safe place, or I have to create it for myself. And I am so very incompetent at it.

I went through the same thing. Always knowing I would return to the
safe place of home.
My safe place is gone now too. Nine years ago when I lost my last family
member and my home.
It isn't easy trying to make it on your own after living your life in a
certain way. I'm now 63.

Due to health problems I need to have someone around and that was
hard to accept since I never learned to bond to others.
Just have to go with it and eventually start healing and accepting.

@unperson having to live in the meat suit is annoying, isn't it?
I don't know why I'm in one either.

 

[unperson]

Brother Body, be kind to brother body. look after brother body....

 

[Thinx]

I know what you mean about realising some of how we are makes us sometimes dislikeable to others, it's partly because neurodiversity isn't understood, but also that we don't always communicate in neurotypical styles, or think as they do.

But hey, you are who you always were, really capable in some areas and clueless in others. A very uneven skills profile is common in ASD. We have to play to our strengths, sounds like you have done that, and coped well.

 

[4na11]

Welcome. It is hard. Being intelligent and yet dependent is very hard.

I feel ashamed. This is a weakness I don't like to have and I can't accept. I am in denial, even though I know it is real. The brilliant me can't do anything to prevent the disabled me to need people's help. I have sold this image of a perfect being, and I don't like to have to show this other side I myself am having a hard time to accept. Few people in my life could love me despite of that, and they are all gone. The little strength I have to make new friends can't reach that level of intimacy in which someone could truly see this part of me. My social self is built on that perfect being image. This disabled person is all by herself.

well boredom and chores are a big part of life, inability to accept them may be an immaturity thing. In my case, it's cos I don't relate to having/being a physical body, so having to maintain both the body and it's environment feels annoying. I think maybe I decided reluctantly at some stage to accept the burden of having a body. It's like having a giant pet you have to feed, water, keep clean and outta trouble, sigh, but it's all part of the show.

Welcome to the site, I believe bipolar is a somewhat common co-morbid condition, you certainly wouldn't be the only person with both.

You are so very right about this being an immature feature, and I wonder if autism isn't a permanent childlike state, because we tend to neglect the adult world and focus on our curiosity. The big pet thing made me laugh, because I think sometimes I neglect taking care of other beings too, like plants, I could make a cactus die. It is something I must pay attention to, or someone should be paying attention for me and making me aware. I know lots about nutrition, I understand the knowledge, as I said, I could do charts and stuff, but the actual feeding thing is the problem.

Due to health problems I need to have someone around and that was
hard to accept since I never learned to bond to others.
Just have to go with it and eventually start healing and accepting.

Your story is making me more afraid of what I have ahead of me. I must create soon the conditions for having the kind of support I need. You are me tomorrow!

Brother Body, be kind to brother body. look after brother body....

You definitely make me laugh. I guess the only way is to consider this thing as another entity that lives with us. A quite primitive entity that we must feed and care, that demands so much of our attention.

I know what you mean about realising some of how we are makes us sometimes dislikeable to others, it's partly because neurodiversity isn't understood, but also that we don't always communicate in neurotypical styles, or think as they do.

But hey, you are who you always were, really capable in some areas and clueless in others. A very uneven skills profile is common in ASD. We have to play to our strengths, sounds like you have done that, and coped well.

Yesterday I realized this fact, that people really don't like me. They love my lectures, classes, they love hearing me explain points, they admire me, but they don't like my company because of my lack of ability in small talk.
You are right when you say I am who I always was, but I guess the impact of the understanding of my neurodiversity caused this avalanche of realizations, and it feels as if I am seeing myself for the first time.


Another thing I would like to say to all of you who took the time to reply to my thread is that I am very happy to have found in this forum a space to vent, to be heard and understood. In this moment of solitude I felt great when I read things that could have been written by me. We do experience very similar things. Thank you for existing!

 

[Finder]

Yesterday I realized this fact, that people really don't like me. They love my lectures, classes, they love hearing me explain points, they admire me, but they don't like my company because of my lack of ability in small talk.

And that is OK. You will find others that can appreciate your inability for small talk. I was married in 1993 to a wonderful human being. When I started to realize I might be autistic in my 50s, I was terrified to tell her. Well, I did tell my wife. And she told me it was those strengths that autism gives me that made her love me.

Yes, it is true, most will not like you in a NT way. I don't have any friends to speak of. But when I do create friendships, they are with amazing people.

Judge yourself for your strengths and what those give you. Normative social values don't work for everyone nor are they superior.

 

[4na11]

And that is OK. You will find others that can appreciate your inability for small talk. I was married in 1993 to a wonderful human being. When I started to realize I might be autistic in my 50s, I was terrified to tell her. Well, I did tell my wife. And she told me it was those strengths that autism gives me that made her love me.

Yes, it is true, most will not like you in a NT way. I don't have any friends to speak of. But when I do create friendships, they are with amazing people.

Judge yourself for your strengths and what those give you. Normative social values don't work for everyone nor are they superior.

I did have people who used to appreciate me for who I am. My dearest brother was one of them, or the only one, and passed away 10 years ago. Since then, not many people were able to see my 2 sides, the brilliant and the handicap, as both being adorable.
Life is really hard when we don't have this external confirmation, when we have to be the only one to do this self affirmation job. Specially while experiencing the handicap side, as I am at present.
I feel the need of being helped, but I can't approach anyone, because I don't like approaching people, and people that are close to me don't want to be approached by me in this way.
I have two remaining brothers, one absent (most likely he is autistic himself, more even than I am), and the other one is so typical he is allergic to neurodiverse people. He simply can't stand either side of me, the brilliant or the handicap. He considers me a whole nuts and wants to relate to me only when I behave.
My ex, who also is a good friend when I behave, runs away from me when I am too brilliant or too needy.
So, I am pretty much alone, restarting my life, after taking care of my mother for 7 years (she passed away 3 years ago), and putting on hold my professional life (which is another mess).
I finally moved by myself, after a year and a half of misunderstandings and now I am supposed to do many things I never had to really think of.
I always kind of took care of a house in my life, I always kind of took care of my professional life in my life, but if I didn't, if I had to put it all on hold for months, and travel the world, live in India, do some research, I would, and I never felt the responsibility I am feeling now.
Whenever I took care of my finances, home, profession on those days, I did it in the most organized way. But now I feel I don't know where to start. I can't stand taking care of my dogs, and cooking, and cleaning, and planing my career, and washing my clothes, and talking to this people in the comdo who are coming all the time to be friendly, I can't think of how much I will need a cleaning lady, or when I need to go to the supermarket.
Things I used to counsel people about I can't organize to myself while doing them. I wish I could hire myself to plan things for me, and then hire someone to do it. Then I could be me, the one who could work to pay for it all.
But I am lonely and poor and overwhelmed. I only have a beautiful past, lots of talent, and sadness in my heart.
Since I move all the muscles in my body are tense, because people are knocking at the door all the time. I should be grateful, because they are knocking to help me out. But instead I am cursing, because it makes me tense.
Tomorrow I will talk to my psychiatrist, my sweet good friend, who is with me since I was 16. I am 56 now. I already emailed him about my suspicions on being autistic. He said we must talk. He has diagnosed me as bipolar when I was a teenager. I know he will be open to refer me to the tests. I will also be asking him something to help me to relax, because I can't keep going like this, it is too stressfull, really my muscles are too tense all day long.
The worse thing, guys, I am a yoga teacher. My situation is shameful.

 

[unperson]

That sound like a good plan, go see your psychiatrist, you've known him since 16, that's long acquaintence.

With the lack of executive ability, planning, I'd bring that up with him too, if it's out of character for you, might be stress, might be aging, who knows. I have better and worse phases with it.

 

[4na11]

I think I am good at planning, but I am not good at improvising, and this phase in my life is requiring much improvising, much quick reflex.
I see it in music as well. I am a musician, but I am better as a songwriter, as a music producer, than improvising with a band. Perhaps because improvising leaves lots of space to error, while songwriting and music production you have time to delete, erase, redo, improve and present a finished material that was overthought and has more chances to be just perfect. I don't like being wrong, specially in front of other people. I usually present myself in front of people when I have something ready to show.
And now my life is kind of up side down, I don't have nothing to show, I am just an adult mess, I am a 56 years old teenager, and people around me can see my errors. I can see them. And I don't like them, why would I show something I don' like?
And I don't have time to correct them before going public. I am too exposed. I wish I could hide and prepare. But there is no time, I am in the battlefield without weapons.
So, yeah, it is quite stressful and I feel the reaction in my body and mind. I am not well and my performance is poor.

 

[Finder]

Life is really hard when we don't have this external confirmation, when we have to be the only one to do this self affirmation job.

Yes, it is. This is probably the biggest issue for autists. But you are not alone. You sound like you are in a very low spot. It will pass. There are people like you and who can value you in this world. Forgive yourself.

 

[4na11]

Yes, it is. This is probably the biggest issue for autists. But you are not alone. You sound like you are in a very low spot. It will pass. There are people like you and who can value you in this world. Forgive yourself.

Indeed I am in a very low spot or in no spot at all. And I know it will pass, I just don't know when and how, and I can't take it anymore. I know a simple thing can change it all. I know I can recover that sensation of centering myself, and from there I can manage all aspects of my life. But from where I am now, this nowhere place, these tasks I am not skillful are even harder to perform, because if life itself doesn't make sense, how to make sense of these things that never made much sense in the first place?
I believe our capacity to perform on the typical level is proportional to our chances of performing on the diverse level.
If we don't get that chance, we are just useless.
I think we can bear, we can stand performing neurotypical tasks as long as we have that fuel, that divine chance of enjoying our neurodiversity.
I am starving, I am dry, this is what low spot means to me.

 

[4na11]

Just talked to my psychiatrist. We were supposed to have our appointment tomorrow but got to have it today. He said it so naturally, as if he knew all along: "yes, most like you are in the spectrum and whoever denies it either doesn't know autism or doesn't know you. I know both, so, yes, most likely you are."
I told him about a friend, someone I consider my best friend, she is having a hard time to accept that I could be autistic. My psych said: "I have accepted you completely. Those who say you are not may have noticed you are autistic, but they don't accept it."
And I think I was one of them. I think the first person to deny, to have this hard time accepting we are autistic are ourselves.
Today I had a horrible day, many labors came to my house to help me out with things, my dogs went nuts, I didn't have strength to control them, I had to cancel some services because I was so stressed out. Never in my whole life I was so unable to communicate with people, but right now I really need to have some time for myself. Last year, during the pandemic and lockdown, I had the delightful chance to be by myself. Now, here, I have people at my door all the time, and I have little time for me. At the same time I am feeling lonely, because the people I trust and wish could help me are not willing to help me. So I am not getting the help I need because it is not coming from where I want. I am just an ungrateful person who can't adjust to this new environment and keeps complaining instead of taking advantage of this new life.
My psychiatrist said something wise: "Your waters were put in a new aquarium. Now let them accommodate, their dirt go to the bottom, and you will feel calm again to manage it all."

 

[unperson]

yeah, it's new person in the area stuff, I moved to a new area about 3 months ago, and all anyone did was stare at me, uh like they'd never seen a human before and that went on for ooh about a month or so, all the attention is because of your newness, so you hafta wait for that to settle and then...well it's just the usual annoyances. Just try to be polite and smile, you'll drift back into the background when they don't see you as new.

Great that you were able to get some input from your psych support.