I’m very sorry you feel like this Tony.. I can’t say that I understand. I can only say that I have been suicidal since about the age of 8, more pronounced from the age of 12 and on.. I just celebrated 21yrs with my wife on the 22nd, with our 4yo baby girl, the epitome of my life’s work..It's just so hard to be friends with couples especially with young kids.
Cody and his wife have a newborn baby and they are cuddling it which made me feel low and sad.
Then you got the other Tony with a beautiful wife and two daughters even with the job I wanted but was too stupid for College which he also completed.
Then another couple shows there 2 year old. Yet most women ignore me I just don't get how they can find their partner.
and yet.. I am trying to get them to hate me it seems.. because I don’t want to be here anymore.. again.. I thought I was over it, thought I’d moved past it finally.. yet here it is again, rearing it’s ugly head.. wishing I were alone instead, out in the middle of nowhere with nobody to pay notice to me..
My daughter is absolute perfection in my eyes.. my wife my best friend.. yet I want nothing more for them to leave me be to this wretched way of thinking.. because I always find some way to make them hurt somehow, without even trying to.. but.. I -am- trying to now.. because I am tired.. and I am frustrated.. and I don’t want them to see me suffer, or to suffer from me..
I want to wander into the woods and die.. I walked 17km’s last night, in pouring rain, coyote infested fields, marshes and backroads.. left everything behind at just sat staring up at the night sky for hours and hours..
I have everything I could possibly want in life… and still want to throw it all away.. and I do know a few ways to go silently into the night without worry of suffering.. but I will not share them.
I am on the verge of calling a crisis line, and still hope that my family will leave me behind.. so please.. don’t put your faith on having someone else to solve your feelings and burdens.. you have to help yourself..
And even being the hypocrite that I am.. cannot do as I preach.. I’m sorry you feel this way, truly. I hope you find better days.. I did find them.. and now they’ve gone away…
Edit: It seems the grass is always greener, in the other fields you have longed to wander..