Utter disconnection and self loathing

[texkag]

Please forgive me if I ramble as I write this but I am experiencing the worst depression of my life, a life characterized by depression. For a long time now I feel like an utterly incompetent human being. Since the tragedy of covid this perception has only gained in strength. I want to be better able to communicate with others but have failed to find a way to do it. This has only worsened further since I was diagnosed back in 2017, something that I still seem to have failed to have come to terms with. Sorry about the weird phrasing but my brain feels as if it's having an intellectual seizure. I feel so far from the world now that I am not sure I can ever reach it again. Being a carer for my disabled wife is a role that has swallowed me up. It feels like there is no time in my own life for me, for working on me.

I really want to improve my ability to connect with others but I can't find a way to do it. I have even failed to connect with the autistic community in any meaningful way. It seems as if there is never enough time. Here's an irony for you. A couple of years ago I bought a copy of the famous book about time management called 'Getting Things Done' but I found trying to set up the systems recommended so overwhelming I had to stop trying for the sake of my mental health. I think that stripped away the last remnants of my motivation. I'm sorry, I'll get to the point now.

I have two major issues. My executive functioning is catastrophically poor and my communication skills have withered away into dust. I used to have at least some facility with the written word but that seems to have left me too. I know that there is no moving forwards in life until I find some way to tackle those two. The problem is that when I'm stressed my ability to tackled either is lost. I seem to be permanently stressed. Yesterday I tried to write a journal entry about everything but the words kept getting stuck in the knot in my chest.

As I write this I realize that I have not come to terms with my diagnosis and have completely failed to step into my identity as an aspie. When I watch younger members of the autistic community on you tube etc. being so open about themselves and so comfortable in their autistic skins I am genuinely in awe. For me, someone who grew in in the seventies being different mean being a freak. i learned to hide anything that was different and have endured a lifetime of anxiety and depression as a consequence.

I realize that I need help but have no one to approach. What do you think. How can I begin to step into my autistic identity? How can I improve my ability to be in the world and be me? How do I stop being so overwhelmed all the time? Should I, in some way, come out as an aspie? And, how the hell do I learn to connect more deeply with others or simply be comfortable being around them? Feel like I'm in the middle of a Forrest in a thick fog. I don't want to be where I am but I can't see a way forward.

I would really appreciate any ideas, strategies, or resources you could share. Thanks.

 

[Slim Jim]

I see you are from Liverpool. Just work on things that need working on. And look into improving your health. The stronger and more resilient you are physically, the less susceptible you should be to feeling anxiety, feeling tired, and or confused. More energy, more ability to react and interact, better food = better mood. A less than ideal diet, and no sleep will make everything harder than it already is. So I would focus on maintaining optimal health. Cognitive functioning is health matter. Take supplements. Vitamins minerals, Nootropics even. And watch for changes.

As far as relating to others, that's an existential thing we all have to settle for ourselves.

 

[Slime_Punk]

my communication skills have withered away into dust. I used to have at least some facility with the written word but that seems to have left me too.

I'm in no position to be offering advice, but I just wanted to mention that none of this seems to be true, judging by your post. You communicate extremely well, from what I can tell.

 

[Mary Terry]

You're extremely articulate and clearly communicate how you feel. In fact, you're far more articulate and communicative than many NTs I know.

The best advice I can offer is for you to address the depression. It will rob you of all joy in life. Part of your depression may be your caretaker role for your wife. Is there anyone who can occasionally stay with her to give you a respite from that obligation? I know that in the US, there are resources to give people on the spectrum a "day off", so-to-speak. My sister-in-law is on the spectrum and is high functioning but her son (my nephew) is low functioning and virtually non-speaking. She sometimes has a sitter who is provided by the state to stay with him to give her a full day to herself. My nephew sometimes spends the entire day with me, too. Does the UK have anything like that?

 

[texkag]

You're extremely articulate and clearly communicate how you feel. In fact, you're far more articulate and communicative than many NTs I know.

The best advice I can offer is for you to address the depression. It will rob you of all joy in life. Part of your depression may be your caretaker role for your wife. Is there anyone who can occasionally stay with her to give you a respite from that obligation? I know that in the US, there are resources to give people on the spectrum a "day off", so-to-speak. My sister-in-law is on the spectrum and is high functioning but her son (my nephew) is low functioning and virtually non-speaking. She sometimes has a sitter who is provided by the state to stay with him to give her a full day to herself. My nephew sometimes spends the entire day with me, too. Does the UK have anything like that?

Thanks Mary. I think you're right. I need to address the depression first. It is the black mind that is interfering with everything else, including how I am perceiving myself. It's the biggest monster in the room and I can't carry on ignoring it.

 

[texkag]

You're extremely articulate and clearly communicate how you feel. In fact, you're far more articulate and communicative than many NTs I know.

The best advice I can offer is for you to address the depression. It will rob you of all joy in life. Part of your depression may be your caretaker role for your wife. Is there anyone who can occasionally stay with her to give you a respite from that obligation? I know that in the US, there are resources to give people on the spectrum a "day off", so-to-speak. My sister-in-law is on the spectrum and is high functioning but her son (my nephew) is low functioning and virtually non-speaking. She sometimes has a sitter who is provided by the state to stay with him to give her a full day to herself. My nephew sometimes spends the entire day with me, too. Does the UK have anything like that?

Thank you for your kind words. Sadly the social care system in the UK is falling apart, but you are absolutely right, I do need a break. I will see if I can arrange for my son or daughter to stay with my wife while I have a day off.

 

[texkag]

I see you are from Liverpool. Just work on things that need working on. And look into improving your health. The stronger and more resilient you are physically, the less susceptible you should be to feeling anxiety, feeling tired, and or confused. More energy, more ability to react and interact, better food = better mood. A less than ideal diet, and no sleep will make everything harder than it already is. So I would focus on maintaining optimal health. Cognitive functioning is health matter. Take supplements. Vitamins minerals, Nootropics even. And watch for changes.

As far as relating to others, that's an existential thing we all have to settle for ourselves.

Thanks Jim. I do need to look after myself better, I will be no good to my family if I completely burn out. What are Nootropics? I have never heard of them before.

 

[Tom]

One of my favorite and perhaps more successful coping mechanisims is humor. It's cheap and literally can last till your final breath.

I wonder how many vacumn cleaners were killed to make this old Spagetti Sci-Fi. I'm glad there are laws about that now.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

For most of my life I did not know I was ASD, and just thought that if I had difficulty socially it was my issue to fix. I now understand what my mind was trying to do to protect me, which just made things worse. I was able to break out of my cage through learning and practice.
You said:

As I write this I realize that I have not come to terms with my diagnosis and have completely failed to step into my identity as an aspie.

I never felt that I have an identity as an Aspie. Rather I have had ASD influence my life, both negatively and positively, but I am not my ASD. You sound paralyzed into inaction. Now is the time to take little steps each day. Being comfortable around others? There are self help books about being social, but that requires practice. I found involvement in groups tied to my interests let me practice being social and I built up my confidence.

(Added) Like you, I grew up in the 60s and 70s. and understand the negative messages that we internalized. I have been undergoing Cognitive Processing Therapy to rewrite these that had continued to interfere with my life. I think you can do some introspection to identify the lies you tell yourself and learn what to tell yourself instead.

 

[Rodafina]

I have always been given the advice to not trust my “depression brain.” It really does wacky things to our thought processes, especially about ourselves. Here is some evidence:

I used to have at least some facility with the written word but that seems to have left me too.

I would totally disagree. I found your writing very nice to read. Eloquent, even. I especially enjoyed the part about the thick fog – well enjoy is the wrong word, but the imagery meant something to me. It sounds like there are others who responded here that also liked your writing.

@Mary Terry, so important to recognize the toll that caregiving can take, plus depression. I think you are so right here.

 

[texkag]

I am starting to see how the depression has warped my perception of myself. Thank you, and the others for pointing that out. I really needed it.

 

[texkag]

For most of my life I did not know I was ASD, and just thought that if I had difficulty socially it was my issue to fix. I now understand what my mind was trying to do to protect me, which just made things worse. I was able to break out of my cage through learning and practice.
You said:

I never felt that I have an identity as an Aspie. Rather I have had ASD influence my life, both negatively and positively, but I am not my ASD. You sound paralyzed into inaction. Now is the time to take little steps each day. Being comfortable around others? There are self help books about being social, but that requires practice. I found involvement in groups tied to my interests let me practice being social and I built up my confidence.

(Added) Like you, I grew up in the 60s and 70s. and understand the negative messages that we internalized. I have been undergoing Cognitive Processing Therapy to rewrite these that had continued to interfere with my life. I think you can do some introspection to identify the lies you tell yourself and learn what to tell yourself instead.

Thank you Gerald. You have reminded me that I am more than my ASD. I have internal work to do, for sure. I can avoid that process no longer. You're right, I have to uncover and root out those lies I tell myself, maybe then i can face the truth square on and live more honestly as a result.

 

[texkag]

I have always been given the advice to not trust my “depression brain.” It really does wacky things to our thought processes, especially about ourselves. Here is some evidence:



I would totally disagree. I found your writing very nice to read. Eloquent, even. I especially enjoyed the part about the thick fog – well enjoy is the wrong word, but the imagery meant something to me. It sounds like there are others who responded here that also liked your writing.

@Mary Terry, so important to recognize the toll that caregiving can take, plus depression. I think you are so right here.

Again, thank you. You're right. You'd think that I would be more suspicious of my 'depression brain' but it's a slippery eel, it seems impossible to get a grip on it.

 

[texkag]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful contributions. Today I felt something for the first time. I felt the power of community. I also felt some hope as well as a glimmer of possibility. You have been a slot of light on a dark street.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thank you Gerald. You have reminded me that I am more than my ASD. I have internal work to do, for sure. I can avoid that process no longer. You're right, I have to uncover and root out those lies I tell myself, maybe then i can face the truth square on and live more honestly as a result.

You are quite welcome. I know there is a lot on your plate with caring for your spouse, still you need to take time for yourself to be strong for her. I wish you the best. Facing our stuck points is hard, but cathartic.

Confronting the truth about myself as I was at my lowest point in my life is hard. It is part of me and now I need to learn to forgive that younger me.

The disciplined way i was tought to approach things is to fill out the ABCs

A. ACTIVATING EVENT "Something happens"

B. BELIEF/STUCK POINT "I tell myself something"

C. CONSEQUENCE "I feel something"

Are my thoughts in "B" realistic?

What can you tell yourself on such occasions in the future?

 

[grommet]

Please forgive me if I ramble as I write this but I am experiencing the worst depression of my life, a life characterized by depression. For a long time now I feel like an utterly incompetent human being. Since the tragedy of covid this perception has only gained in strength. I want to be better able to communicate with others but have failed to find a way to do it. This has only worsened further since I was diagnosed back in 2017, something that I still seem to have failed to have come to terms with. Sorry about the weird phrasing but my brain feels as if it's having an intellectual seizure. I feel so far from the world now that I am not sure I can ever reach it again. Being a carer for my disabled wife is a role that has swallowed me up. It feels like there is no time in my own life for me, for working on me.

I really want to improve my ability to connect with others but I can't find a way to do it. I have even failed to connect with the autistic community in any meaningful way. It seems as if there is never enough time. Here's an irony for you. A couple of years ago I bought a copy of the famous book about time management called 'Getting Things Done' but I found trying to set up the systems recommended so overwhelming I had to stop trying for the sake of my mental health. I think that stripped away the last remnants of my motivation. I'm sorry, I'll get to the point now.

I have two major issues. My executive functioning is catastrophically poor and my communication skills have withered away into dust. I used to have at least some facility with the written word but that seems to have left me too. I know that there is no moving forwards in life until I find some way to tackle those two. The problem is that when I'm stressed my ability to tackled either is lost. I seem to be permanently stressed. Yesterday I tried to write a journal entry about everything but the words kept getting stuck in the knot in my chest.

As I write this I realize that I have not come to terms with my diagnosis and have completely failed to step into my identity as an aspie. When I watch younger members of the autistic community on you tube etc. being so open about themselves and so comfortable in their autistic skins I am genuinely in awe. For me, someone who grew in in the seventies being different mean being a freak. i learned to hide anything that was different and have endured a lifetime of anxiety and depression as a consequence.

I realize that I need help but have no one to approach. What do you think. How can I begin to step into my autistic identity? How can I improve my ability to be in the world and be me? How do I stop being so overwhelmed all the time? Should I, in some way, come out as an aspie? And, how the hell do I learn to connect more deeply with others or simply be comfortable being around them? Feel like I'm in the middle of a Forrest in a thick fog. I don't want to be where I am but I can't see a way forward.

I would really appreciate any ideas, strategies, or resources you could share. Thanks.

I feel almost exactly the way you do. I cannot help because I feel just as bad. I do not see hope for myself and wish it were over.

I hope you do better.

 

[Thinx]

Depression is a very tough challenge, but on the outside looking in, we are seeing your bravery and how you work so hard to be there for your wife. Is she able to interact with you and be aware of your help and support? Your depression is very understandable when you are up against so much, and so unsupported.

Some of this would lift if you can have some support and breaks as a carer, it is something the services your wife is probably being treated by need to help with. Do you or she have any relatives or friends who could weigh in here? You deserve help, and may need to let others know this more strongly, instead of feeling somehow to blame for things. You are not to blame, you are bravely fighting the fight, and have communicated here very well.

It's central to what many of us experience with high autistic traits or Aspergers /ASD 1, to have difficulties connecting with others or maintaining connections, this is absolutely a facet of how we are, you are one of us despite, as many here do, that you feel isolated.

People here experience that too, and it's a challenge, that our different wiring gives us. Is there any interest you like where you might make connections with others? Just a niche area maybe? It's great that you are here, keep posting, things need to improve for you.

 

[texkag]

Depression is a very tough challenge, but on the outside looking in, we are seeing your bravery and how you work so hard to be there for your wife. Is she able to interact with you and be aware of your help and support? Your depression is very understandable when you are up against so much, and so unsupported.

Some of this would lift if you can have some support and breaks as a carer, it is something the services your wife is probably being treated by need to help with. Do you or she have any relatives or friends who could weigh in here? You deserve help, and may need to let others know this more strongly, instead of feeling somehow to blame for things. You are not to blame, you are bravely fighting the fight, and have communicated here very well.

It's central to what many of us experience with high autistic traits or Aspergers /ASD 1, to have difficulties connecting with others or maintaining connections, this is absolutely a facet of how we are, you are one of us despite, as many here do, that you feel isolated.

People here experience that too, and it's a challenge, that our different wiring gives us. Is there any interest you like where you might make connections with others? Just a niche area maybe? It's great that you are here, keep posting, things need to improve for you.

I feel almost exactly the way you do. I cannot help because I feel just as bad. I do not see hope for myself and wish it were over.

I hope you do better.

As you seem to be having a similar experience to me I urge to do what I did. Start a thread about exactly how you feel and you too will be surprised by the results. The responses I received have made me rethink my approach and realize just how wide of the mark my perceptions about myself are. Reaching out for help is not easy and writing the post will involve pain but being stuck is even worse. Thanks to the thoughtful responses i received my mood has shifted and I am starting to work on solutions. Without the support of my Apsie brothers and sisters I would still be stuck and isolated.

I am working out some strategies for myself now and will report back anything i find useful, that could help anyone else.

 

[texkag]

Depression is a very tough challenge, but on the outside looking in, we are seeing your bravery and how you work so hard to be there for your wife. Is she able to interact with you and be aware of your help and support? Your depression is very understandable when you are up against so much, and so unsupported.

Some of this would lift if you can have some support and breaks as a carer, it is something the services your wife is probably being treated by need to help with. Do you or she have any relatives or friends who could weigh in here? You deserve help, and may need to let others know this more strongly, instead of feeling somehow to blame for things. You are not to blame, you are bravely fighting the fight, and have communicated here very well.

It's central to what many of us experience with high autistic traits or Aspergers /ASD 1, to have difficulties connecting with others or maintaining connections, this is absolutely a facet of how we are, you are one of us despite, as many here do, that you feel isolated.

People here experience that too, and it's a challenge, that our different wiring gives us. Is there any interest you like where you might make connections with others? Just a niche area maybe? It's great that you are here, keep posting, things need to improve for you.

I am working on getting more help from my children at the minute and will be investigating ways to leverage writing as a therapeutic aid as well as a way to connect more with others later today. The interactions I have had here have given me the confidence to explore this further. As I said to Grommet, anything I try help and that I think would be of benefit to anyone else I will report back here.