trying to meet others:

[Hypnalis]

Tony

A brief creative reinterpretation of the two posts above, in the form of a couple of assertions (i.e. they are true for me, but not necessarily for anyone else):

• It's possible (and may be psychologically easy) to incorrectly identify the cause of a repeating experience. Sometimes this does no harm, but it isn't a good path towards changing the usual outcome
• Something I have to remind myself of a lot: If I don't change myself, my future is likely to repeat my past.

 

[Markness]

this is my second post on here and i do not come on here much but i decided to try this site out again today since i had so many positive users welcome me, so here it is, i always come across strange when i try to talk to other people, mainly woman and as a user did point out to me once i am not normal which makes me feel down mainly since i am trying to meet a woman to date which i have had a hard time always.

i wanted to post this not as much for the advice but as a way to just get this out of my system, i am a virgin and i am very lonely and i feel awful, i have zero skills with women, and i hate it. much of it comes from what i have and i really feel my self-esteem is not what it needs to be at all too. the woman i have known have used me and lied to me and they have made me feel awful inside. i sometimes start to wonder if i ever will have a woman like me for me? but thank you for all reading this too.

I definitely understand where you are coming from. Do you live in the south?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I definitely understand where you are coming from. Do you live in the south?

Bravo! As a person who became social by changing (and, I envy you:dancing with a woman in a witch costume. Way to go!) I think what you have to say has credibility.

 

[Gerontius]

I know this is very likely useless advice but it actually worked for me. I threw things at the girl I fancied. But not harmful things like bricks or daggers. My first date was with a girl I threw pebbles at. I married the woman I lobbed a orange at over the room divider. Maybe it was humor rather than the actual projectiles.

So this?

 

[Markness]

Have you tried dating someone similar to you?

Sadly, the chances are almost nonexistent if you are the odd man out in the area you live in. I have a feeling this is the OP’s problem at the core.

 

[Tom]

So this?

Yes... I had almost forgotten. I stole a watermelon from a farm stand late one night for one girl I had a huge crush on.

 

[Markness]

Bravo! As a person who became social by changing (and, I envy you:dancing with a woman in a witch costume. Way to go!) I think what you have to say has credibility.

Well, I’ve been social since I started working back in 2006. I just went through a ton of trial and error. I got discouraged a lot due to disappointments and dead ends but I kept persisting and it finally payed off. I did have a lover for a short period in 2010 but luck played into that since she made the first move and not me.

Oh, you’ve never danced with a witch? I have something up on you!

But I digress. @watchman84 I am willing to listen and give my input to. We are also in the same age range.

 

[Markness]

So this?

LOL!!!

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Too keep you updated I went to Church yesterday yes I ran into the usual couples but one couple of the wife when I told her single gits ignore me and all I attract are couples she said you seem like an nice guy. Then she said did you try an life group and I said it's all guys and couples. Then she said would you try online dating. I started to talk then I was rudely inturruoed by some idiot at Church still wearing his face mask which offends me more but he just rudely inturruoed me and that was the end of the conversation.

So even if I try to talk to a single girl some rude guy will butt in and I will end up walking away.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I just went through a ton of trial and error. I got discouraged a lot due to disappointments and dead ends but I kept persisting and it finally payed off.

As did we all. Some NTs even have a hard time. You and I seem to demonstrate that social delays are such a significant part of ASD and I am sure there are others on this site. Has anybody started a thread about that?

 

[Gerontius]

Too keep you updated I went to Church yesterday yes I ran into the usual couples but one couple of the wife when I told her single gits ignore me and all I attract are couples she said you seem like an nice guy. Then she said did you try an life group and I said it's all guys and couples. Then she said would you try online dating. I started to talk then I was rudely inturruoed by some idiot at Church still wearing his face mask which offends me more but he just rudely inturruoed me and that was the end of the conversation.

So even if I try to talk to a single girl some rude guy will butt in and I will end up walking away.

If you're upset by a guy who interrupted you, then wait until you've got a girlfriend. Then if you marry her, the kids talk too.

It'd do you better just to treat these couples at church as friends--if you only see them as couples instead of seeing them as human beings, or maybe fellow Christians, or perhaps my neighbors whom I should love as myself, then you've ended up dehumanizing them (probably unconsciously) and dehumanizing yourself as a result, because you end up thinking of self-worth in terms of marriage.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

If you're upset by a guy who interrupted you, then wait until you've got a girlfriend. Then if you marry her, the kids talk too.

It'd do you better just to treat these couples at church as friends--if you only see them as couples instead of seeing them as human beings, or maybe fellow Christians, or perhaps my neighbors whom I should love as myself, then you've ended up dehumanizing them (probably unconsciously) and dehumanizing yourself as a result, because you end up thinking of self-worth in terms of marriage.

I made the mistake of thinking of my self-worth in term of intimacy and sex. And this despite, at the time, my doing demanding research in experimental pathology, helping some preparators at the Royal Ontario Museum by scoping out collecting sites, and successfully living on my own and meeting very accepting people. I learned that my self-worth was not one dimensional, and that led me to egaging with people more and eventual social maturity. I still get ambushed at times by that view of my self-worth at times, but I am working to diminish its power over me.

 

[Kalinychta]

Yes... I had almost forgotten. I stole a watermelon from a farm stand late one night for one girl I had a huge crush on.

I’d never be able to resist a man who stole a watermelon for me. Maybe Tony should try that, although he may have to wait until summer when they’re back in season.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

It'd do you better just to treat these couples at church as friends--if you only see them as couples instead of seeing them as human beings, or maybe fellow Christians, or perhaps my neighbors whom I should love as myself, then you've ended up dehumanizing them (probably unconsciously) and dehumanizing yourself as a result, because you end up thinking of self-worth in terms of marriage.

I already dehumanize them. It happened unconsciously but when I see them successful with kids, I don't see them as people anymore. They are simply better than me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I already dehumanize them. It happened unconsciously but when I see them successful with kids, I don't see them as people anymore. They are simply better than me.

Are you merely tossing gas on your relationship dumpster fire? An attitude like that can't stay hidden, and I am afraid that if you do not change you are consigning yourself to a life alone, filled with unremitting frustration. Why are you eager to live such a life?

 

[Markness]

I am feeling worried for @watchman84. He hasn’t responded since he posted the topic.

 

[Kalinychta]

I am feeling worried for @watchman84. He hasn’t responded since he posted the topic.

The thread was derailed again.

I suppose my advice to watchman is that he accept his situation and social limitations and refocus his time and attention on things that make him happy. Maybe someday he’ll enter into a relationship. Maybe he won’t. Maybe someday if he enters into a relationship, that relationship will end, as many relationships do. Or maybe it won’t. In the meantime, accept who and what you are and try to get on with your life in a positive way. You can’t control these things.

 

[Markness]

The thread was derailed again.

I suppose my advice to watchman is that he accept his situation and social limitations and refocus his time and attention on things that make him happy. Maybe someday he’ll enter into a relationship. Maybe he won’t. Maybe someday if he enters into a relationship, that relationship will end, as many relationships do. Or maybe it won’t. In the meantime, accept who and what you are and try to get on with your life in a positive way. You can’t control these things.

Tony really should make his own threads. I’ve learned the hard way that derailing other people’s threads is a sure fire way to get on someone’s crap list.

If watchman lives in a similar social climate like I do, he needs to find a place like the Sans Bar and not try to force himself to fit in.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Tony really should make his own threads. I’ve learned the hard way that derailing other people’s threads is a sure fire way to get on someone’s crap list.

If watchman lives in a similar social climate like I do, he needs to find a place like the Sans Bar and not try to force himself to fit in.

So right! One needs to find what one is comfortable with, and that may change with time and experience. But somehow, some of us muddled through, despite diagnosis at an advanced age. The big thing is learning to recognize accepting people and enjoy them

 

[Markness]

So right! One needs to find what one is comfortable with, and that may change with time and experience. But somehow, some of us muddled through, despite diagnosis at an advanced age. The big thing is learning to recognize accepting people and enjoy them

It really feels like a mental endurance test. Even when I am in a group of people, tens of minutes or more can pass before a “jumping on point” in the conversation happens. Before I got back on adderall, though, I would dread when this happened because sometimes I never got to join in and would want to leave. However, there were times I couldn’t because I had hitched a ride beforehand and had to wait until the driver was ready to go. I now generally only want to drive myself anywhere.

Please show us a sign, @watchman84 !