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To tell people or not?

jamse37

jamse37

Active Member
Simple as that. I feel it's better to make people aware of our daughter having aspergers my wife thinks people shouldn't be told.
What does everyone think?
 
I tell people on a need to know basis. It's been my experience that they are not going to understand and that telling them causes more confusion on their part.
 
I think only tell people that really needs to know. One example it would be useful to tell a school but I assume you may already did that.
 
If she has an official diagnosis, the school at the very least needs to know, so they can be prepared and perhaps make the necessary accommodations. I'm not sure if your question was specific to that...were you thinking of other situations as well?
 
If she has an official diagnosis I would tell people on a need to know basis. Her teachers at preschool - if she goes - for instance. Perhaps also explain how it affects her specific to that environment and how you and your wife deal with it at home. I don't think everyone needs to know because most people don't get it.
 
Some people will understand your daughter better, after having been told, others won't. Unfortunately, there's no way of knowing in advance which category individual persons will fall into.

The worst case of teacher-on-student bullying I ever saw was in an after school program where I was a substitute one day. I confronted the teacher about it, and and in her defensive reply, she mentioned that the kid she was mistreating had Aspergers. So her knowledge didn't help her treat him better. Basically, some caregivers and teachers are nice, and some are jerks, and their knowledge of the conditions a child might have doesn't change which of the two categories the teacher falls into.

Sorry if the above sounds a bit bitter. (alliteration!) As a professional in childcare, I've worked alongside some nasty individuals. Still, in schools and stuff, it is sometimes good if they know, but the administration will take it more seriously if there is a professional diagnosis. Teachers, when spoken to one on one, might (or might not) accept a parent's unofficial diagnosis. It sounds, from your reply, like she is at home for this period in her life :yum:, which is often the best at her age, although not possible for all parents.
 
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I think that it is probably best to deal with it on a need to know basis. One thing I would NOT recommend--and I've seen it so many times--is telling strangers she has autism when she is in the middle of a public meltdown. That is something that bystanders DO NOT need to know at that time. It does her no favors and it does not do autistic people in general any favors. Because it seems the only time someone calls attention to the fact that their kid has autism is when the kid is misbehaving. Never when he or she is behaving. Trust me, the general public is already well aware of the link between autism and disruptive public behavior. They don't need to be reminded that here is another one.

I asked a friend of mine once who owns a small business if he would hire someone if the only thing he knew about them is that they were autistic. The reason I asked him this was that at that time the local media were having a field day with "an autistic child has meltdown in exclusive spa story". I wanted to see what impact this kind of publicity about autism would have on employers who would be dealing with prospective autistic applicants. He said he would not hire someone who was autistic if he did not know anything else about that person. Now, I don't know how common this attitude is among employers because obviously it is not something they like to discuss, but I suspect that he is not alone in his reluctance to hire someone who is openly on the spectrum.
 
I have told people about my son's struggles (not diagnosed with autism at this time because specialists here won't touch it until they're older, but he has a few other labels, like SPD and various delays). Basically, it comes down to whether or not it will benefit him for someone to know. Family? Yes, I tell them. These are the people he's around all the time and who care about him. They need to know, so that they can learn more about him and how to work with him. Teachers? Definitely. They can't teach as effectively if they don't know. Random strangers? Nope. There's no reason. Anyone else, it depends. A friend of mine knows because our boys play together a lot and she needs to know what could potentially happen in their interactions. My best friend knows because she's an excellent support person for me.


Spinning Compass said:
I asked a friend of mine once who owns a small business if he would hire someone if the only thing he knew about them is that they were autistic. The reason I asked him this was that at that time the local media were having a field day with "an autistic child has meltdown in exclusive spa story". I wanted to see what impact this kind of publicity about autism would have on employers who would be dealing with prospective autistic applicants. He said he would not hire someone who was autistic if he did not know anything else about that person. Now, I don't know how common this attitude is among employers because obviously it is not something they like to discuss, but I suspect that he is not alone in his reluctance to hire someone who is openly on the spectrum.
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I think your question fails to a degree because of how it was phrased. If he knows nothing of the person, he can't know if the person is old enough to be employed, qualified for the position, etc. You would have to either phrase the question to cover that the person is fully qualified or ask if he would hire a NT person he knew nothing about, except that the person is NT. ;) I would not hire anyone that I didn't know anything about. I will not hire someone because they are autistic and I won't avoid hiring them because they are. If I need to hire someone, I'm looking for someone who will do the job effectively, without me having to hold their hand and help every step of the way. Lots of people fit that description, including autistic people. But if I need someone to keep up a social media presence for me, but they don't know how to use FB, I don't care about any other detail about them. All that matters is that they are unqualified.
 
it's been awhile since I had that conversation with my friend and he has since sold his business and moved away so I can't ask him for clarity but if I recall correctly we were talking about people who were old enough to work. The sense I got was that he would not even interview such a person if he knew up front they had autism when they applied. The point I was making is that calling attention to a child's misbehavior due to autism hurts adults with autism because that is what people like my friend think when they hear the word autism. He was at least candid enough to admit it. A lot of other people would not.
 
Outside of professional organizations that work with the child, I would not tell anyone. At three years old, there doesn't seem to be many situations in which it would be necessary. Once she gets older, I would empower her to tell people as she so chooses, not necessarily about AS itself because it encompasses many characteristics, some of which she may not even have, but what her particular needs/struggles/personal qualities are relative to a given person and the situations in which their interaction occurs.

Of course, you may need to fill in the gaps when she is still young and can't advocate for herself well enough.
 
Maybe a better phrasing of the question would be "Would the fact of someone's having autism influence your willingness or unwillingness to hire that person?"
 
Thank you all for your excellent responses.
I basically asked the question because my little one on one occasion went to a mother and toddler session with her Nanna (who knows but doesn't really understand ) my little one wouldn't go again but wouldn't tell me why. Anyway one if my clients a retired trustworthy private school teacher mentioned she helped there. So I got talking to her about my little girl and told her about her Aspergers to see if she could help me figure out why my little one wouldn't go again.
It turned out there is an older lady who helps but is very particular about how the children there do certain things. Now this will be the reason as my little one will either like or dislike someone and that doesn't seem to change.
Waffle sorry
So I was excited that I could now work and help my liitle one with this and told my wife who is now not talking to me because I told my client about our little girl.
On the plus side i got my little one asleep tonight at midnight. It's now three am and we are up again watching DVDs.
 
jamse37 said:
Anyway one if my clients a retired trustworthy private school teacher mentioned she helped there. So I got talking to her about my little girl and told her about her Aspergers to see if she could help me figure out why my little one wouldn't go again.
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Why did you assume that Asperger's was the reason she didn't want to go back?
 
bentHnau said:
Why did you assume that Asperger's was the reason she didn't want to go back?
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I don't think that it's clear that he did assume Aspergers was necessarily the reason. It sounds more like it was simply one of the details that was raised during the conversation.
 
Because I have witnessed how she is when somebody talks to her that she has "read" and takes a dislike to. She holds it has a memory that I have never experienced before and. Will have meltdowns just at the mention of does she want to go to mother and toddler and it will be because of this lady.
 
jamse37 said:
Because I have witnessed how she is when somebody talks to her that she has "read" and takes a dislike to. She holds it has a memory that I have never experienced before and. Will have meltdowns just at the mention of does she want to go to mother and toddler and it will be because of this lady.
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That little Aspie boy I've mentioned also had very strong likes and dislikes of certain persons.
 
She picks up on everything.
If my wife is ever struggling without speaking or showing any signs of it my little one will just go up to her and say "don't worry mummy"
 
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