Tiresome trust issues.

[LuxLuca]

I sometimes get a tingle to not trust a certain individual to be truthful. It is not logical, it cannot be reasoned with and it is, oddly enough, often correct. (Much to my frustration since it just strengthens the pattern.)

I hate it.

It takes up tremendous energy when I get a sense that someone isn't being truthful. Some facts just don't add up, there's behaviour that deviates from the norm (my norm is based on previous observations, not a standardised norm.). I will start investigating people, be it online or irl. Online is even a bigger problem since there is suprisingly much information to find. This forum for example gives you the opportunity to check a user's activity. I will gather information to confirm my suspicions even though there is absolutely no reason for me to do so. They could have nothing to do with me, have no interaction with me.. but I get very wary of them nonetheless.

I wonder if this is something more common among autistic people. I've had this trait for as long as I can remember. It can be a tremendous help but often it turns out a waste of energy since I have nothing I can do with the outcome.

Edit: language + grammar

 

[Thinx]

It's good to be cautious and to check people out you feel uncertain about. But possibly you can take it too far, and maybe that's where you can look for what your own issues may be in the situation? Like, if you feel this may be a bit over the top, stalkerish, or not a useful strategy, how has it come about? Maybe think about your own life experiences to track where this could come from.

 

[LuxLuca]

It's good to be cautious and to check people out you feel uncertain about. But possibly you can take it too far, and maybe that's where you can look for what your own issues may be in the situation? Like, if you feel this may be a bit over the top, stalkerish, or not a useful strategy, how has it come about? Maybe think about your own life experiences to track where this could come from.

I'm quite sure the reason I investigate is because I don't see the logic of my suspicions. I think I go as far as I go because I want to be absolutely certain and not make judgement based on one or two pieces of convenient proof, I like to avoid conformation bias.

I do think I have some ethical limits to how far I would go, but sometimes I do worry if I step over some boundaries.

I've discussed this during therapy about the subject some years ago and concluded that my 'investigation' is pretty much harmless. It's just deeply embedded into my behaviour, thus my question to if it's related to autism in any way.

 

[Crossbreed]

Deceivers often have "tells" that we can pick up on in our hypersensitivity.
And we may not be able to put our finger on it right away.
Just be fair to that person, but do not ignore your misgivings about them.

Here is an example:
When we see an authentic-looking android, we might notice something is off, but not know what it is.
Their most common "tell" is that they do not breathe.
Some simulate breathing, but their breathing is inconsistent with their speech, because their speech is generated by speakers rather than air passing over vocal cords.

You may not be trained enough to know the physiologies of speech or respiration, but you will still miss them if they are not there.

 

[Thinx]

Well I don't see the actual activity as typical, I would generalise that many with autism can be too trusting. But certainly some traits like strongly focusing on a topic or interest or person could be seen as fairly common in autism, obsessing maybe in some cases. Also ruminating, going over and over something.

Your reason for doing this that you give sounds a bit convoluted, that you want to disprove your suspicions so you dig deep, plus you tend to find you are right when you do so? But also it's not usually important and you don't have enough connection with the person in any case. That bit sounds odd to me. Maybe through over thinking?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

All I can say here is that it MAY be related to your autism. The operating theory here is that the areas of the brain responsible for fear and anxiety,...the amygdalas (one on the right and left hemisphere) is often enlarged in autistic individuals. Furthermore, if you are an autistic that struggles with verbal and non-verbal communication,...you might not be taking in all the available information. As such, when you have some sense of this situation where you think you are not receiving all the information and you have a heightened sense of anxiety,...you might not be the most trustful person.

The risk here,...you may be subjecting others to controlling behaviors,...and could go down the pathway of being, at the very least, mentally abusive to another person. If you are "following up" on them, looking at internet histories, checking phone contacts and histories, frequent texting,...and a long list of other controlling behaviors,...time to stop. No one,...no one,...wants to be in a relationship where another person is always looking over their shoulder and questioning them.

If you are truly not "there" where you can communicate well with another person and accept their love and honesty,...at the least,...it's time to get some help,...or get out of the relationship for their mental health.

 

[LuxLuca]

Your reason for doing this that you give sounds a bit convoluted

I understand it's a bit hard to follow.

The reason I dig is because I want to confirm my suspicions but am often not satisfied with little proof, I want to confirm beyond reasonable doubt.

And I would often classify the results of my investigation as useless. Emotionally it probably is not, otherwise I wouldn't feel this compelled. Actively resisting the urge can be very stressful and it tends to haunt me. There are times that the result does become useful. For example I realise it's better to avoid someone or help a friend to avoid a bad situation. I also don't need to have a direct connection to the individual in question, but I could.

In short; I form a question in my head and need to get the awnser for it, even if the information is not useful at all.

 

[LuxLuca]

The risk here,...you may be subjecting others to controlling behaviors

The reason that it usually involves people that I don't have any connections to is because I would simply converse with those that I'm close with. I'm very open and honest if I notice something is off with my close friends and partners.

As much as I understand your train of thought, that's not where I'm at at all.

I'm also aware of the ethics of this behaviour. It's also not a daily thing, it needs a certain amount of suspicions to be triggered.

I would argue there isn't much fear involved with the behaviour, more compulsion, but I am very bad with reading my own emotions.
(I also believe the plural is amygdalae.)

 

[Darkkin]

I tend to be a pretty reliable people barometer IRL. I am weirdly accurate when a vibe is off and people tend to listen if I say something about it.

Online, I notice context patterns and get a decent handle on whose insights are going to carry weight, who is just posting for amusement, those trying to get a reaction, and those who 'think' they're insightful, but keep writing themselves into a wall.

 

[Luca]

I don’t trust anyone irl but I usually just ignore people instead of researching them.

It’s different on here, because it’s more anonymous for the most part and I have no idea what anyone is actually like until I get to know them. I’m more motivated to get to know people online because if I don’t like them I can cease communication more easily.

But my trust issues are a big problem for me too. I’m sure I’ve lost out on many potential friendships as a result.

 

[Darkkin]

I trust people as far as I can throw them.

To wit:

My Rue Dog's fetching ability is directly proportional to my throwing ability. (And my Rue Dog is epically bad at fetch.).

 

[Thinx]

I trust people as far as I can throw them.

To wit:

My Rue Dog's fetching ability is directly proportional to my throwing ability. (And my Rue Dog is epically bad at fetch.).

You seem to operate on evidence you observed or data offered, (or absence of such) rather than instinct, though? And to measure others input by these?

 

[Thinx]

I understand it's a bit hard to follow.

The reason I dig is because I want to confirm my suspicions but am often not satisfied with little proof, I want to confirm beyond reasonable doubt.

And I would often classify the results of my investigation as useless. Emotionally it probably is not, otherwise I wouldn't feel this compelled. Actively resisting the urge can be very stressful and it tends to haunt me. There are times that the result does become useful. For example I realise it's better to avoid someone or help a friend to avoid a bad situation. I also don't need to have a direct connection to the individual in question, but I could.

In short; I form a question in my head and need to get the awnser for it, even if the information is not useful at all.

Still a bit hard to follow as an explanation of why or how what you do makes sense. The word compulsion stands out. Especially if you do this on others behalf, I guess.

 

[Darkkin]

You seem to operate on evidence you observed or data offered, (or absence of such) rather than instinct, though? And to measure others input by these?

My social circles are small, but I people watch for a while before I actively engage, if I chose to engage. I've worked frontside retail at a bookshop for a number of years, so there is a latent pattern recognition system at work. You can pick up a fair amount of information about a person in how they ask a question, how they walk through a line, or how they act when someone is not immediately present to do their bidding.

You don't have to say much to see a lot. I've always been a people watcher and when you're quiet other people tend to talk to fill the empty space. I am also very good with my social mask. It is quiet and very unassuming, and when I do talk people are disarmed because I can converse as articulately as I can with my keyboard.

Among my circles, I have a reputation of being trustworthy and reliable. (People trust me with their pets and kids. And I'm good with both.)

But there are times when I pick up on a strange vibe about a person and my flight response is tripped. I want to grab my spoons and get the hell out of dodge. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times this has happened, but in those cases my instinct was very, very right. (Couple of problematic individuals at work, fortunately neither lasted very long.) When my flight response trips forget it. I will ghost the individual without a second thought if it is that instantaneous.

My trust has been well placed in those who have it and those few who do, I clicked with from almost the very first moment. These are people who have seen my geek speak, muppet like glee, and meltdowns.

Polarized instinct reads, but they have always been right. Anything in between and I watch before voicing an opinion. I do try to be objective and it takes a bit for me to take an active dislike to a person. Once, okay, people are people, it happens. Twice it is a pattern and the flag is tossed. At that point I limit interaction. Third time, this almost never happens because I limit contact after a second bogey.

My MBTI has always been INFJ, we are the door slammers. It is not an endearing characteristic, but it does help shield one from toxic influences in one's circle.

 

[LuxLuca]

My MBTI has always been INFJ,

We are the same in that respect. A lot of what you mentioned seems to correlate with how I see myself.

I also tend to be known as a reliable and fair friend, I have no issues trusting those who don't raise suspicions (though I also prefer to observe first and not blindly trust).

 

[LuxLuca]

Still a bit hard to follow as an explanation of why or how what you do makes sense

It doesn't quite make sense to me in the first place so that's understandable.

 

[Luca]

I was hesitant to bring this up, I have actually never confessed to anyone about this other than my mom and my therapist, but it might be helpful or relevant here.

I have posted A LOT on here about my history with really toxic irl friends. Which is one of the reasons I don't trust people easily and I tend to somewhat dislike almost everyone I meet irl until I have a reason not to think that way. Definitely wrong, and something I'm working on in therapy, but I do kind of feel like I have a reason to be suspicious of everyone.

About five or six years ago now, I decided to call it quits on social media, after experiencing a lot of harassment and cyberbullying (mostly from "friends," which was my own fault for adding them, but also from some strangers in Facebook groups I was in, or people who commented on my Instagram posts. Most of them were people who had opposing political beliefs to me, and this was during the 2016 US election... granted, things have gotten even worse here since then, but at least I'm no longer witnessing the crapstorm on social media or being targeted for my beliefs.)
I have now learned to not really post about my political values, or at least to be vague about them. I don't even have the politics section enabled on here.
I won't elaborate on what happened because it will derail this topic, but it was enough of a reason for me to be like "bye" to Facebook and Insta especially (I was never on Twitter, thankfully.) My mental health is better without it.

But for a while after that, Facebook was still publicly visible if you didn't have the app (I think they changed it around 2017?) and I was using third-party apps to spy on people I didn't like on Instagram, and I did that up until 2019 actually
It was really unhealthy and really destructive to my mental health, but I got so obsessed with wondering what these people who hated me were saying about me, and what they were doing with their lives that I could use as ammunition to dislike them even more, that I sometimes spent hours going through all their posts and "researching" them. I'm not proud of it, at all, and I don't think I've ever brought this up on the forums because I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy

This is why I now choose to ignore people instead of digging up all their dirty laundry on their socials. I hardly ever uncovered anything about them that was incriminating enough to use as evidence for anything. I ended up realizing that most of them had completely moved on with their lives after a while and stopped posting about me and stopped making fun of me. Now I think most of them are married, have careers, own homes, and/or have kids and I don't think they give a crap about what I'm doing or even remember me. I would be lying if I said I didn't still kind of dislike them or worry that they might still be out there trying to hurt me, but I know I need to work on moving on too.
(With that said, there ARE still people out there who want to hurt me, which is another story, and I try to keep myself hidden.)

There have actually been very few people on the forums that I found suspicious enough to research them at all, if that's comforting for you to hear. And although it's not really my job, I take the safety of everyone on here, and myself, extremely seriously as this is my only real support system and a lot of these people are my friends. There were some members here that were definitely trolls or being complete jerks, bigots, manipulators, or attention seekers, and I (and others) reported them and it was taken care of, as far as I know.
There are occasionally people on here who give me weird vibes and I think are kind of toxic but I don't think they're worth reporting and I don't interact with them. I'm sure there are people who don't like me either, but they leave me alone too.

I know that was kind of long-winded lol, sorry I think where I was going with that was just a cautionary tale (from my own experience) about how obsessively stalking people across all their platforms, and giving the time of day at all to people you don't like or who don't like you, is not good for your mental health. It's also worth mentioning that the only things that have helped me make progress on this issue at all have been therapy, and maintaining long-lasting friendships with people that I do think are trustworthy.
I hope that was helpful, sorry if it was just a mess I guess I haven't met my quota of long-winded, verbose walls of text lately