My partner ended the relationship yesterday. She seemed down, and when I spoke to her, she wasn't forthcoming. I asked if it was us and she nodded. I asked what needed to change and she told me that we'd already tried. She then told me it just feels like we're friends or housemates. The more she spoke, the more I felt the stress and worry take over my mind and body.
Whilst it was an intense shock, I suppose I'd seen it coming in numerous ways that had remained unspoken for a long time. Thankfully we calmly came up with a rough plan for the next few weeks. We own a house together, so we'll need to hire a storage crate and we'll hire a van for a day. Get some of her friends over to get stuff in the storage container. Thankfully both the storage and van rental places are in this small town. Once the house sale goes through, we can work out the next steps in terms of moving out properly.
We need to do some touch up decorations and also get a plasterer to do a couple of small jobs. We'll get the house looking nicer and put it on the market. Her friends who offered to help with moving stuff into storage also offered to help us with the house decorating and prep before we put it up for sale. We agreed it's best to live here together until the house sells. There isn't any animosity, and I don't forsee there being bickering or pettiness here. At the end of the day a break up is hard enough, and as she said - it's like we're friends. So we need to help and support each other through this as friends would do.
I asked if she would keep the cat. It's probably what's been weighing on my mind the most. I feel guilty for asking, and yet she said "yes." But in my mind a yes can quickly be turned into a no. I know they're closer than I am, and my emotions can be so erratic that I often make the cat skittish. I worry if she'll find a place to rent where she can keep the cat. I worry if the cat will be safe, or if she'll struggle so much to find somewhere that she'll have to give the cat up for adoption. It has me worried sick - it's the only part of all this that feels unfair. Might seem over the top to compare it to a child, but it feels like that will cause me the most upset.
Since she told me last night I've felt very queasy. I didn't throw up, thankfully. I managed to get to sleep ok, but I woke up at 5am. As soon as I woke up I remembered what happened. Shortly after my stomach began to turn again. Stress has affected me physically for nearly a decade - and news such as this is doing a number on me. Feeling shaky and off kilter. Hungry, but whenever I eat I struggle to keep it down. I know things will improve, but right now I feel very rough. Ready to cry - but holding it together. I think when she goes to work today I might have/need an emotional release. I feel bad doing this around the cat though. I think she picks up on mood. She seems so innocent and unware in all of this - and I feel guilty for this having happened.
I understand what she said - about us just feeling like friends. We've been together for 5 years, and in that time - the lack of intimacy was always a big issue for us. I became more and more down that her sex drive didn't match mine. Being turned down hundreds of times when you try and work up to making love. I turned that rejection inwards time and time again. It fuelled my inner critic, which in turn fuelled my outer critic. It got to a point where there was no sense of romance, and sex often lacked much foreplay or build up - because I was so used to being told "no." I'd always been used to sex 4 or 5 times a month, but with us it ended up being 5-10 times a year.
It didn't help that with the lack of sex, my interest in romance or intimacy was virtually erradicated. I also became very sarcastic about her lack of sex drive, which of course made her feel even more guilty. All in all, I see how moving on is for the best. You can't keep a relationship going if only 1 person is happy. In truth, my inner and outer critic destabilise my sense of happiness and contentment on a daily basis. So much so, that I'd attempted to break up with her twice before in the early months of our relationship, but turned it around within hours after coming to my senses and realising I'd let rational thought become clouded and cast aside by paranoia.
So what now? Once the house sells we should have a minimum of £10,000 each from the equity on the house. This isn't enough to get a deposit on anywhere, unless you went with Shared Ownership - and that's not without it's pitfalls and risks, which I wouldn't be willing to take.
Renting feels like wasted money - and whilst a house share would be extremely affordable, I'm not sure how well I'd adapt of cope with that. Moving in with strangers, knowing I'm a very particular person. I've run through all sorts of terrifying "what if's" in my head with regards to renting and flat mates.
What if they're not nice?
What if they're loud?
What if they're social and throw parties etc.
What if they take drugs?
What if they drink lots?
What if they go into my room and go through my stuff?
What if they're criminals?
What if they turn violent?
What if they're paedophiles?
As you can see, things took a turn for the worst. My inner critic has run rampant since yesterday evening.
The other thought was moving back home. This is far from ideal for me or my parents. It would enable me to save money very quickly and work out my next move. I'm calling them today to talk things over and work out my next step.
I can't shake the worries about the cat though. I also worry about Kristy finding somewhere suitable and affordable and pet friendly.
It's a time where I need to try and be calm around all the unknowns, and focus on what I can affect. One things for sure - I'm glad I'll be seeing my therapist for the first time in over a year next Monday. Originally I'd intended to talk with her about the book I've been reading about Complex PTSD, and trying to unravel, grieve and come to terms with childhood traumas.
This is another reason why I'm quite nervous at the prospect of returning home. It's not that they were abusive - they were just very emotionally distant and it seems to have affected me and my brother greatly. We became just as withdrawn as they were towards us. As adults they seem more needy of our company and attention - it's a strange reversal.
My head's swimming at this point. At least I know we have a rough plan of things to get done over the next few weeks. I suppose once things start rolling, there might be some comfort to be had. Honestly though, I don't think I will feel calm until I know Kristy has found somewhere suitable to live with our cat. Until then, I think I'm going to be struggling to quell the vigor and paranoia of my inner critic.
It's a shame what I considered a good thing is coming to an end. It feels like a backwards step - going from home owner and a relationship to single and moving back home, or renting. There are worries about relapses, but I don't have the inner voices prompting me to purge through substances. I need and want to keep a clear head in all of this. I'm just unsettled by what the future holds.
The idea of loneliness is hitting home hardest. I have no friends at work and asides from a couple of acquaintances in the town I live - I'm completely alone here. Those I'm closest to asides from Kristy are people who I speak to online, and all but a few ex-work colleagues are people I've never actually met.
This fear of loneliness unnerves me a lot, and if I moved into somewhere on my own, I think my mental health would plummet. Just before I met Kristy I was unemployed for a year. I spent most of my time on my own and drinking heavily and utterly lost in my thoughts and worries. My stress levels and inner critic were so bad I was agoraphobic and had frequent panic attacks whenever I left the house.
Obviously we contanstly learn and (hopefully) improve. I don't think I'd regress as much as I sometimes fear, if at all. I'm just rather shaken up, and I need to keep busy to help steady my nerves.
Ed
Whilst it was an intense shock, I suppose I'd seen it coming in numerous ways that had remained unspoken for a long time. Thankfully we calmly came up with a rough plan for the next few weeks. We own a house together, so we'll need to hire a storage crate and we'll hire a van for a day. Get some of her friends over to get stuff in the storage container. Thankfully both the storage and van rental places are in this small town. Once the house sale goes through, we can work out the next steps in terms of moving out properly.
We need to do some touch up decorations and also get a plasterer to do a couple of small jobs. We'll get the house looking nicer and put it on the market. Her friends who offered to help with moving stuff into storage also offered to help us with the house decorating and prep before we put it up for sale. We agreed it's best to live here together until the house sells. There isn't any animosity, and I don't forsee there being bickering or pettiness here. At the end of the day a break up is hard enough, and as she said - it's like we're friends. So we need to help and support each other through this as friends would do.
I asked if she would keep the cat. It's probably what's been weighing on my mind the most. I feel guilty for asking, and yet she said "yes." But in my mind a yes can quickly be turned into a no. I know they're closer than I am, and my emotions can be so erratic that I often make the cat skittish. I worry if she'll find a place to rent where she can keep the cat. I worry if the cat will be safe, or if she'll struggle so much to find somewhere that she'll have to give the cat up for adoption. It has me worried sick - it's the only part of all this that feels unfair. Might seem over the top to compare it to a child, but it feels like that will cause me the most upset.
Since she told me last night I've felt very queasy. I didn't throw up, thankfully. I managed to get to sleep ok, but I woke up at 5am. As soon as I woke up I remembered what happened. Shortly after my stomach began to turn again. Stress has affected me physically for nearly a decade - and news such as this is doing a number on me. Feeling shaky and off kilter. Hungry, but whenever I eat I struggle to keep it down. I know things will improve, but right now I feel very rough. Ready to cry - but holding it together. I think when she goes to work today I might have/need an emotional release. I feel bad doing this around the cat though. I think she picks up on mood. She seems so innocent and unware in all of this - and I feel guilty for this having happened.
I understand what she said - about us just feeling like friends. We've been together for 5 years, and in that time - the lack of intimacy was always a big issue for us. I became more and more down that her sex drive didn't match mine. Being turned down hundreds of times when you try and work up to making love. I turned that rejection inwards time and time again. It fuelled my inner critic, which in turn fuelled my outer critic. It got to a point where there was no sense of romance, and sex often lacked much foreplay or build up - because I was so used to being told "no." I'd always been used to sex 4 or 5 times a month, but with us it ended up being 5-10 times a year.
It didn't help that with the lack of sex, my interest in romance or intimacy was virtually erradicated. I also became very sarcastic about her lack of sex drive, which of course made her feel even more guilty. All in all, I see how moving on is for the best. You can't keep a relationship going if only 1 person is happy. In truth, my inner and outer critic destabilise my sense of happiness and contentment on a daily basis. So much so, that I'd attempted to break up with her twice before in the early months of our relationship, but turned it around within hours after coming to my senses and realising I'd let rational thought become clouded and cast aside by paranoia.
So what now? Once the house sells we should have a minimum of £10,000 each from the equity on the house. This isn't enough to get a deposit on anywhere, unless you went with Shared Ownership - and that's not without it's pitfalls and risks, which I wouldn't be willing to take.
Renting feels like wasted money - and whilst a house share would be extremely affordable, I'm not sure how well I'd adapt of cope with that. Moving in with strangers, knowing I'm a very particular person. I've run through all sorts of terrifying "what if's" in my head with regards to renting and flat mates.
What if they're not nice?
What if they're loud?
What if they're social and throw parties etc.
What if they take drugs?
What if they drink lots?
What if they go into my room and go through my stuff?
What if they're criminals?
What if they turn violent?
What if they're paedophiles?
As you can see, things took a turn for the worst. My inner critic has run rampant since yesterday evening.
The other thought was moving back home. This is far from ideal for me or my parents. It would enable me to save money very quickly and work out my next move. I'm calling them today to talk things over and work out my next step.
I can't shake the worries about the cat though. I also worry about Kristy finding somewhere suitable and affordable and pet friendly.
It's a time where I need to try and be calm around all the unknowns, and focus on what I can affect. One things for sure - I'm glad I'll be seeing my therapist for the first time in over a year next Monday. Originally I'd intended to talk with her about the book I've been reading about Complex PTSD, and trying to unravel, grieve and come to terms with childhood traumas.
This is another reason why I'm quite nervous at the prospect of returning home. It's not that they were abusive - they were just very emotionally distant and it seems to have affected me and my brother greatly. We became just as withdrawn as they were towards us. As adults they seem more needy of our company and attention - it's a strange reversal.
My head's swimming at this point. At least I know we have a rough plan of things to get done over the next few weeks. I suppose once things start rolling, there might be some comfort to be had. Honestly though, I don't think I will feel calm until I know Kristy has found somewhere suitable to live with our cat. Until then, I think I'm going to be struggling to quell the vigor and paranoia of my inner critic.
It's a shame what I considered a good thing is coming to an end. It feels like a backwards step - going from home owner and a relationship to single and moving back home, or renting. There are worries about relapses, but I don't have the inner voices prompting me to purge through substances. I need and want to keep a clear head in all of this. I'm just unsettled by what the future holds.
The idea of loneliness is hitting home hardest. I have no friends at work and asides from a couple of acquaintances in the town I live - I'm completely alone here. Those I'm closest to asides from Kristy are people who I speak to online, and all but a few ex-work colleagues are people I've never actually met.
This fear of loneliness unnerves me a lot, and if I moved into somewhere on my own, I think my mental health would plummet. Just before I met Kristy I was unemployed for a year. I spent most of my time on my own and drinking heavily and utterly lost in my thoughts and worries. My stress levels and inner critic were so bad I was agoraphobic and had frequent panic attacks whenever I left the house.
Obviously we contanstly learn and (hopefully) improve. I don't think I'd regress as much as I sometimes fear, if at all. I'm just rather shaken up, and I need to keep busy to help steady my nerves.
Ed
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