The Next Step

[Thinx]

It looks to me like you are in a bit of a hurry to put a brave face on and power through things. I see you using the ideas you've been studying to encourage yourself to Be Strong and carry on. That's the way things were for you as a child perhaps, and your goal seems to be how to very quickly make practical arrangements and move on. Your partner mentioned the idea on Thursday, and today is Saturday. I feel uneasy for you.

Have you noticed people have mostly stopped commenting on this thread? Perhaps unsure what to say.

 

[Raggamuffin]

We had discussed what we felt was best for Kes and for us. I know it was a quick turn around. We knew this decision would be the hardest, but also the most important. Knowing how much needs to be done to the house, and how much to-ing and fro-ing there will be in this house over the next few months.

When we took Kes we were ill prepared. It was a gut reaction - Kristy saw her whilst walking home from work at night. She found Kes in a garden, there was a sign outside saying this cat is a stray and that she'd been living in the garden several weeks. She looked very emaciated and Kristy rang me. It was only a short walk up the road and I met her and Kes outside this house. She and I agreed that we should keep her - it was a gut reaction, but we knew it was for the best.

I understand that to a lot of people this seems rushed planning and action on our part. At the end of the day when you ask yourself in your heart of hearts what the best decision is to make - sometimes these choices will be incredibly hard. Then comes the doubt and the inner critic - denying us what we truly need and want. I think most people know when their belief in something is correct, you can try and deny your feelings or talk yourself out of what you know is right, but then again - I think that's why we coasted along in our relationship for so long in this state.

Whilst Kristy initially agreed to take Kes when we moved out, you could pick up on the mood afterwards - the uncertainty. It sat like a rock with both of us. All night for her and all morning for me trying to work out how it would work. You could easily argue that a few hours isn't long enough to figure it out. The shock of a break up and then trying to work through actions and responsiblities - but these thoughts and decisions aren't anything new: they've been mulled over for a long time now.

When we took Kes in, we'd only just moved into our house. The whole of downstairs was full of brand new kitchen units yet to be fitted. The upstairs was littered with unopened storage boxes in every room. The entire house was a mess. Over the coming weeks, we had builders. Every day Kes was locked upstairs and she overgroomed herself to the point her belly was bald. Every night she'd come downstairs and everything would look different each time.

Do we put Kes through that again? Weeks and months of stress, and to top it all off - then we give her away and add another few weeks of stress whilst she adapts? We considered hesitation, waiting until much later. Keep her as long as possible. But what would that do? Delay the innevitable? As horrid as it's been, we know that Kes needs a forever home, we thought this would be it and we've suffered in silence trying to convince ourselves of something we knew wasn't meant to be.

It might not seem like it, but we genuinely feel like we have put Kes before anything else. We know how difficult the next few months would've been on her. She likes routine and a calm environment. Not us redecorating room after room, and changing the dynamics and layouts of every room in the house as we package stuff up and cart it away into storage.

As for putting a brave face on things - that's what we'd been doing for months now. Going through the motions and not opening up. It's got to the point of no return and now, it's gone from months of inaction, to a realisation that we must move forwards. We have sat on plans for years now - we've sat in an unfinished house, and we've been loaded up with unsaid feelings and thoughts for so long. Having bottled things up for that long - I think it's only natural that this sort of backlog will make certain thoughts and actions flow rather rapidly.

I find I monologue a lot with forums. It's almost like a blog or diary of sort. A back and forth conversation can be truly lacking - maybe this is something I picked up off my parents. They have a tendency to monologue and a conversation often feels one sided. A wall of text on a forum isn't the most inviting format for a lot of people. Let alone when I put lengthy replies again and again. In the end all of this is very loaded and emotionally heavy. it's probably too much for people to want to take in or reply to.

I honestly appreciate all of your input and replies. I understand people's unease around this, as it does feel spur of the moment. But I know we're being honest with ourselves when it comes to this decision. Of course there are feelings of guilt and regret - but that's just how life is. If anything, our depressions has meant those feelings have been suffocating for a long time now. Now we have a chance to step forward in our lives and work to improve our own health, wellbeing and fulfillment.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

I dropped Kristy off to work and she was holding it together a lot better than I was. She told me she cried some last night, but the past few days they've spent a lot of time with each other. I was tearful when I dropped her off at work and couldn't really get my words out. The drive home is only 3 minutes, but I had a gut feeling that they were waiting for me.

Sure enough, when I got home they were there. I hate being late, and immediately I sprang into action. We loaded up the car with all the bits and then we brought Kes downstairs. They each fed her some treats from their hands. Then we put some treats in the bottom of the pet carrier and put her in.

Initially she was unsure when we put the roof down and locked it, but then she focused on the treats. Even as they walked outside she looked a little unsure but she wasn't howling or meowing at all. This definitely helped, because I was expecting something infinitely worse.

I held it together until they left and then I cried. It was a much needed release. I went upstairs and saw their car as it doubled back down the road and I said my goodbyes to her. The crying felt like a good release, and upon reflection I don't feel as horrid as I expected to. This has happened so often in life - my worries and anxious ruminations that occur hours, days or weeks before an event are often so intense that when the situation presents itself, it almost feels like an anticlimax. I guess it goes to prove once again that my inner anxiety and all my "what if's" are never as bad or catastrophic as the reality of a situation.

The drive is only 20 mins from our house. She sent me a photo as they were en-route home, and whilst I can see she's nervous, seeing the connection of their hands gave me a lot of hope.

Whilst me and Kristy agreed that we'd probably never think anyone else was good enough for Kes - I know that she's off to a good home, with people who will love her and care for her. They have previous experience of indoor cats, and before we know it, she'll be settled in a new routine and enjoying her pampered life once again.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

Literally back to back posts. They got home safe and I just got this message and photo.

I burst into tears - but they were literal tears of joy.

"She's purring and loving tom. Lol I think I've lost her already"

"So glad we could take her. We're completely in love with her already

"

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

Kes is settling down well and I'm getting regular updates which is helping put my mind at rest. Of course I'll never completely be without worries about her, but I know as time goes on it will get easier. Me and Kristy feel relieved, although it will take some time for our minds to adjust. We're so used to expecting to see her at certain times, or remembering to shut her in a room when we go out of the house. We knew that first step would be hard, and yet - we're doing very well. Yes, it's still a little weird, but we're not beside ourselves with grief. Once we started getting updates, we began to feel relieved.

The evening after they took Kes I was able to eat twice. Since then I've eaten a little more regularly. I managed 2 meals yesterday, and so far today I think I'm almost back to normal. I'd dropped a lot of weight since Wednesday, which is to be expected considering my build, and how I'm constantly moving and fidgeting. In the 3-4 weeks since I started eating healthier I'd lost 10 lbs. In the space of 3.5 days since the break up I'd lost another 8 lbs. My weight should begin to stabilise now that my appetite is back. I have another 16lbs I want to lose, but I know this needs to be done in a steady manner; especially considering how rapid the recent drop in weight has been.

Whilst we want friends to help with the decorating - I overlooked the fact that people from different households can't meet indoors until at least May. Whilst I know that there's plenty of people willing to break lockdown rules, I don't want to be one of them. I'm a bit lost with what to do.

Kristy doesn't mind so much - she's met with friends on Thursday, Friday and Saturday - although these had been outdoor visits. She wants to visit friends with me tomorrow night for a board game night. Initially I said yes, but then I remember what the COVID rules are at the moment - and again, I'm not happy to break them.

I guess you could argue that my friends coming inside the house for 3-5 mins on Saturday to pick up Kes was illegal. My 14 year addiction to cannabis had me breaking the law for a prolonged period, as did my early 20's spent experimenting with other substances at parties and illegal raves etc. Is this my way of attempting to justify it? Chances are, nothing would come of it - and yet I feel there's plenty of nosey neighbours with nothing better to do.

In an ideal world I'd rather Kristy went on her own tomorrow and invited the couple over when she has days off to work on the house. We had a letter through the post recently saying how our town still had above average COVID cases and they were imploring people to respect the rules in place. If I went to the board game night tomorrow I'd spend all night worrying.

Would a £200 fine each and a police visit really be worth it? Chances are slim of course, but at the same time they live in a block of flats, and the car park is in a courtyard, so there's 5-10 flats overlooking said car park. It'd be easy for someone to notice visitors coming and going. Especially the way sound carries in flats. I don't know - it doesn't make me happy. I don't want to flake, as it's my usual go to with socialising and it feels rather passive aggressive.

Still, all these thoughts and it's clear I'm overthinking. In fact, when I describe worries in detail, Kristy will often point out that I'm being paranoid or worrying over nothing.

Therapy is tonight after work. I certainly have plenty to discuss in my first session. I want these to be long term. Usually I visit therapists for a few months - in reality I need to build a long term relationship with a therapist in order to tackle bigger issues.

I guess I can boil down my worries to 4 major topics right now:

• Getting the house decorated and stuff into storage without breaking lockdown rules.
  
• Having the house sell quickly with no issues such as people backing out from the sale.
  
• Things remaining civil with me and Kristy. I have a real fear in a few months time maybe she'll start dating. Personally I think we both want and need time single, especially after a 5 year relationship together. I guess I just worry about "what if's" should that happen. I suppose my brain is making worst case scenarios from how our friendship and breakup could go from polite and civil, to hurtful and potentially dramatic.
  
• Finally - loneliness after we go our separate ways. I'll be going to a new house, and I hope I make some friends. Not having friends where I work makes me think I should job hunt and move to Cambridge. I know people who still live there, and I think a completely fresh start might help.

As usual, my brain won't stop overthinking and being bombarded with intrusive and repetitive thoughts.

I should really remind myself of how parting with Kes was - the main difficulty was my own self-doing. The real world is often a lot less scary than my internal monologue would have me believe.

I used to ring Kristy every day on my lunch break as I walked through the woods to go staff. I suppose there'll be plenty of changes in old routines that will take some time to get used to. She said she was still happy for me to call if I had anything I needed to talk about.

Focus at work has been ok. Not great, and the system moved to the cloud - so there was a lot of IT issues this morning. I lost all my files, I lost all my web browser bookmarks and logins etc. We all have our own way of working - and I'm very particular. Having most things break, and a lot of things disappear stressed me out. The system is also slower now, and that doesn't sit right with me. Working from home was always slow, but now it's slow in the office too. If I can't work at my own pace, I feel mentally tense.

Thursday and Friday at work were a lost cause - I couldn't focus. I feel better today, but far from 100%. There's still a lot to process for both of us, although it should get easier in time.

Still feeling isolated at work. People talking and having fun and I spectate. I spoke a bit with my supervisor. A few jokes and laughs. But I still feel distant from people. The past 2 nights me and 3 friends had a Discord voice chat whilst we played a game. Saturday night was nice. Last night one of the people who joined doesn't appeal to me so much. He can be very rude and stand off-ish. The game we played is still quite new to me, and a couple of times I made mistakes which had him shouting and swearing at me and trying to be-little me. I didn't respond, but it wasn't pleasant. I feel tense every time he comes on chat. In fact, the first time he came on chat my gut instinct knew that he was going to cause issues.

There's a few people on the server who can get shouty and stuff. Most of us are relaxed and have a laugh. We don't shout at one another, the closest to hostility is the occasional jokes or sarcasm at someone's expense. But a few people will shout and swear and I hate it. I loathe confrontation, and I play video games to relax and get away from reality and anxieties etc. To have enjoyable moments ruined by someone who constantly puts me on edge isn't nice.

I think that's a big fear when moving into a house share - will there be people in the house who trigger me. Can't really win - either I live alone and I'd feel isolated and be financially struggling. Or I move into a house share, and chances are - being such a particular person; I live with people who cause me a lot of mental distress.

EDIT: I messaged Kristy saying I was worried about tomorrow and Sunday breaking COVID rules, she replied "stop thinking about it."

Sound advise I suppose, although implementing it might not be as simple.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

This is starting to feel like a blog.

My diet is back to normal. Weighed myself this morning and I'd gained just shy of 2 lbs. This made me happy as I didn't want my weight to continue in freefall after last week.

I've staffed today and yesterday on my lunch breaks. The exercise and walk through the woods has been pleasant. Not calling Kristy felt odd initially, but I'm content to take in the sights and sounds of my walk.

I spoke with the parts team at work and they'll supply me with 15 boxes initially, so we can begin sorting through stuff for storage. I'm also visiting my parents on Saturday to collect a bunch of decorator drapes so when we finish our bedroom, the bed and furniture doesn't get covered in dust and paint. In fact, as I was typing this, the boxes arrived.

It was nice to begin therapy yesterday, I must admit I was trying to stay focused on what she was saying - but we touched upon so many topics that at times it was a little difficult to take it all in. We spoke of the break up, my plans for the future, our plan for moving out, my upbringing, my reading of the CPTSD book, my pending autism assessment and my first every relationship.

She wore a face shield and I found the reflection of the lights behind me to be a little distracting. I was trying to focus on her face, but all the reflections were rather off-putting and I found it to be quite a big distraction. Still - it was my first session in a new environment and as I said before, we talked about so much.

I'm feeling more confident about what the future holds. Of course there are worries, but the longer I've had to sit and ponder these changes, and my future - the calmer and more positive I'm beginning to feel.

After I finished staffing today and I was on the walk back through the woods - a line from a Nirvana song sprung to mind "I think I'm just happy."

I've noticed I'm playing video games less and reading more. I'm also enjoying just sitting and listening to music and pondering things. In recent months I'd found I had been dedicating less time to gaming on weekdays. Granted, I was still sat in front of the computer during my free time - but it's a step in the right direction. Feeling more present by reading and talking with people online, as opposed to delving into my usual video game dissociative behaviour.

There still hasn't been many cravings for substances. Had the break up been a car crash, I may have felt a stronger desire to purge. My therapist noted how I'd been focusing more and more on self care - with quitting substances and caffeine, exercising more and also saving money for the first time in my life. She frequently referred to moments when I was left or right brain focused during the past few days since the break up. She also pointed out how profound my realisation was that when I woke up and didn't feel the physical symptoms - because the worries and "what if's" had not yet taken a hold of me.

Yesterday I posted a few of my biggest worries - I started to reflect on these again last night, but with a calmer demeanour. When I anxiously ruminate, it becomes stronger with more time and effort invested. However, If I begin to critique and ponder things with a calmer perspective - I begin to feel more and more at peace.

We discussed the CPTSD book by Peter Walker and how he mentions the critic causing "black and white/all or nothing" thought processes. However, I noted that his approach to laying all the blame for trauma at parental upbringing was another example of this B&W thinking. In fact, you have to look beyond your parents, and see how their parents treated them. I believe it's a trickle down effect. To say that people with difficult childhoods are survivors, and their parents are villains isn't fair. Parents are often survivors too - and patience and love and kindness will be in short supply for any person who's tired, or stressed or worried.

She recommended another book to me as well. It's called Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. We had talked about the growing lack of intimacy in our relationship. She was keen to address how a relationship is made of two halves - and that we are responsibly for our half. We explored this further, as I described how I initially felt when Kristy had described her depression - I felt guilty and ashamed that I hadn't noticed the pattern in her behaviour that would indicate depression. Then came the Fawn Response - my desire and urge to forgo myself and try desperately at one last, Hail Mary attempt to salvage the relationship, to save her, and help her feel better. I told my therapist that after I'd tried to Fawn, I sat back and began to ponder what I'd said, and realised this wasn't what I wanted.

We ended the session on a positive note, and whilst I felt a little perplexed that so much of what she said wasn't sinking in - the more I've reflected on our therapy session since, I've began to recollect numerous things we discussed, and what she said. At the very least, being able to speak my mind, my thoughts and worries is a cathartic and healing experience.

Kristy has started a new work out regime. We both realised it'd be beneficial to work on ourselves and improve how we feel both physically and mentally. I'm looking forward to the office gym re-opening. I know that exercise and tending to my diet even further will improve numerous aspects of my health and wellbeing. I'm also starting to feel a bit of a wanderlust inside. I've been so cut off from the world, and cemented in a routine for so long - that I desire some big changes.

It's intriguing how no longer being in a relationship feels like a weight has been lifted. I find relationships can double my happiness, but also double my worries. I feel excited to start to live for myself and explore and define who I am. The past couple of days I'm noticing optimism is starting to feel more dominant compared to my pessimism.

Ed

 

[Alexej]

Keep going Ed - one step at a time, and one day at a time.

 

[Raggamuffin]

8 days since the break up.

I’m collecting some drapes from my parents tomorrow for when we redecorate the bedroom. I will also be dropping off belated Christmas presents to my parents as well as briefly visiting my brother and his family. I can’t imagine they’ll be prolonged visits, seeing as they’ll have to be outdoors, with them in the doorway and me near the pavement.

Got a load of new boxes from the guys in the parts department at work on Tuesday. I forgot to bring them home with me when I finished that day. Seeing as I work from home Wed-Thu I won’t be able to collect them until Monday.

Kristy is planning to have 2 friends over next week to get the bedroom decorated, or at least prepped in full so that all we need to do is paint. We agreed that once that bedroom is done, the main focus will be getting the house on the market. We will be getting a plasterer in to do 2 small sections of ceiling which need patching up. Other than that, we’re selling the house as is. We agreed that we’ll be leaving the house in a much better condition than when we first moved in. But we’d rather not spend weeks or months decorating, and spending more money when we’d rather work on our savings and go our separate ways sooner rather than later.

I didn’t end up going to Kristy’s friends for the board game night. It wound up being a late one for Kristy, and she stayed the night as they were all up past 4am. Kristy was understanding about me not wanting to go. I often say yes to socialising and wind up not going. Saying no can be a real challenge for me. Of course nobody reported anyone for breaking COVID rules, and their small 3 person gathering went by without issue.

Work has been busy with the admin side of things. It’s been stressing me out as they’ve moved the servers to the cloud. It used to be that the CRM we use in the office was super fast. I could process jobs as quickly as I was able to keep up. The system rarely had any slow down. Working from home however is terrible – after each thing I do, there’s slow down and waiting and it’s infuriating. There’s also been a prolonged issue where I type or paste into different fields on forms and pages on the CRM system and it duplicates things. I go to type 2 and it comes out 22. This has been happening over a year since we first started working at home. Now the system is on the cloud these slow downs and duplications now happen in the office as well as at home. I want to pull out what little hair I have left on my head.

Imagine you’re typing and you make a typo – you delete it and try again, but you make another mistake. You might feel a building frustration or impatience to get it right. Now, take that feeling – but imagine it happening on every job you work on in a system, every job, every day, for over a year. Add to that, the fact the system works 3-5 times slower when working from home, and they have me working 3 out of 5 days a week at home. Then top it all off with them sacking a guy and giving me all his work – doubling my workload and peaking my stress levels. Here’s me, asking for a pay review and my manager redirecting me to an email the directors sent last year. They sent several emails during COVID with company updates, they finished up the end of the year with numerous paragraphs singing our praises for our team work and getting the company through such a tough year. Then, at the very bottom of the email they sneak in a few lines to say we’re getting no annual bonus and no pay reviews unless workloads have “materially changed.” Honestly, if you're going to give person an unrealistic amount of work to do - give me a great salary and a computer and CRM that doesn't mess up and crash every time I try and do something. If these systems were a horse - it would've been shot in the head a long time ago.

Clearly my manager thought doubling my workload isn’t a material change. Earlier in the year I’d asked HR if I could be considered to be trained up as an engineer. I like the idea of being my own man – driving around in my own van, having a hands on job and getting paid a lot more money for it. No more office background noise or dramas. I had a short on site visit shadowing an engineer. It was to be the first step whilst HR looked into whether college or simply on site training with an engineer would be best. Then nothing, for months. I got stuck in my head, convinced I wasn’t good enough to be an engineer and that they’d forgot about me. It took me months to even speak with HR about this idea, and I was growing increasingly awkward trying to bring it up again.

Then we get an email this week – congratulating someone in the office who sits opposite for me, for starting his new career as a trainee engineer. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that angry. I’m glad I wasn’t in the office, because it took me many hours to calm down at home. I felt sick and cheated. It reminded me of my previous job, where I had been passed over for 3 positions within the company. 1 was actually promised to me and they wound up giving it to someone else a few months later.

I’m so used to being the yes man – the fawn who does everything they can to people please. Why does saying “no” stick in my throat. Why do I feel so guilty and chewed up inside when I feel the need to assert myself. Bottling stuff up to the point where I feel like I’m going to explode. I often often fantasize about being someone else – usually it’s just me but with confidence. The only time I truly speak my mind is when I’m writing, which is probably why I end up monologuing on forums such as this.

Today was difficult too – I’ve been sat on a troubling problem for years. Our neighbour neglects his dogs. Within the first months of moving here I wanted to report him to the RSPCA. Well, today I finally did it. I feel almost complicit that I waited this long. Then again, Kristy never reported him either. I suppose there’s only so much you can do.

He's only home on weekends and his brother visits sporadically thorughout the week. We haven’t seen anyone home in 2 days and we live in a mid-terrace. I know the sound of the neighbours cars and front door to a tee. These dogs live outside and only have a small patio area as the rest of the garden is fenced off. They live in a kennel and they’re rarely ever let inside.

They howl all day long and it’s deeply upsetting to witness. We’re not sure how often they get fed. I wanted to wait until we were selling the house, but I plucked up the courage to ring them today. As we live in a terraced house, each garden fence has a gate leading to the neighbours. We went next door and took some sandwiches as we have no cat food left over. Kristy checked the ingredients and they were fine for the dogs.

We fed them and I took photos. One has a badly infected eye. The other is shedding massive chunks of fur and their back is all scabbed up. The patio is littered with faeces and their water bowl was completely black on the bottom. I felt sickened with what I’d seen – and how long I waited.

I rang the RSPCA and they stated that due to COVID they were only able to answer emergency calls. We were on the phone for 10 minutes or so and she sent me an SMS link so I could upload photos as we were talking.

Within 2 hours an RSPCA person was knocking on the neighbours door. I looked out the window and told Kristy I wanted to go out. She disagreed, but I couldn’t sit idly by (I’d been doing that for years). We spoke for a while. She put sellotape on the top of the door and over the keyhole as a means to confirm when people return home. I told her he’s back on Friday nights anyway. She left a card and said they’ll be in contact with him. She’d seen the photos and said the eye problem can’t wait, and also someone is legally expected to be at the house with the animals at least once a day.

When she left I didn’t feel better – I felt worse. It conjured up more questions than I had answers to. The RSPCA woman told me to ring again next week if things didn’t improve or got worse. Now I feel like I’m going to be spying on my neighbour and worrying and fretting over what to do. My hope is that this serves as a wake up call to the owner. Him and his brother and his partner have to either look after these dogs better, or give them up for adoption.

How can 3 people abuse and neglect 2 beautiful huskies? They never walk them either. In the whole time I’ve lived here I’ve seen him take the dogs out once, and that was loaded up into his SUV. I am worried though, I’ve spoken with him a few times and he seems quite “rough” and I’ve heard him get into a couple of arguments/shouting matches outside his house. He’s a big guy – really big and his temprament unnerves me. I’m quite concerned he might go door to door with the neighbours tonight to find out who called the RSPCA on him.

Cont.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Truth be told, we moved to this town because it was cheap to buy a house and because Kristy could transfer to another pub within the company. It was convenience – but the town isn’t a nice place. Whilst the move might’ve been financially driven, I think it’s cost me a lot more than I expected in terms of my mental health and wellbeing.

A friend tried to consol me earlier by stating that whilst my time here might not have been what I’d hoped for – me being here has directly affected the wellbeing of our cat, which we adopted off the streets, and hopefully – the lives of these two dogs.

On a more positive note I bought another book – called Feeling Good. It was supposedly the first book to write about the findings and methods of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy when it was first being formulated and tested in the 80’s It became a best seller and numerous clinical studies have shown that it’s actually the same, if not more effective in helping people with depression as anti-depressants. It’s been an easy read too, not too wordy or overly complex.

So yeah, another taxing week. I’m looking forward to relaxing as I’ve been working overtime trying to catch up with office work. In fact I worked a 13 hour shift yesterday and still have hundreds of jobs I need to go through and 100’s of invoices to complete and 50+ purchase orders to raise. The problem with this job is that no matter how caught up you get, it starts all over again the next week. I never once have a quiet period. All this stress for such a rubbish pay cheque at the end of the month.

After a long hard day/week at work I'm frequently asking myself - what the hell am I doing?

I contacted an IT trainee website. I’ve always had an interest in computers and in the past 10 years I’ve been building my own gaming PC’s. I work my way around every companies custom programmes very quickly and I’m hoping I could do a course in IT in my spare time and move onto a better job. 16 years in customer service. Fast paced and stressful and always for a measly pay cheque.

I'm going to go staffing tonight. I went on my lunch break and took my new speaker with me. I want the exercise and to be outside. Although seeing all the dog walkers earlier made me sad - reminding me of what I'd just done.

Might go to the bigger park tonight, I'm not sure. That speaker will undoubtedly attract a lot of attention - and some of it might not be positive. I hate confrontation though - but I also know there's plenty of delinquents in this town as well as a lot of travellers who seem to relish causing trouble or stealing things.

I often feel like a doormat - just letting people walk all over me whilst I constantly say "yes" and try to people please. Giving so much I wind up feeling like I'm running on fumes. People have commented in the past that I'm strong - for carrying on despite my conditions and problems. Sometimes I wonder when or if I will ever stand up for myself. I often think that I've bottled things up for so long, that if I ever did stand up for myself, or lash out - that it might end up cascading and getting me into serious trouble.

Then again, I'm certainly caught up in daily catastrophic thinking. I think a volcano is a good analogy - calm and pleasant enough on the surface, but underneath there's a lot of volatile stuff going on, and one day I might explode.

Tonight I'll get myself on voice chat with some people. I need to balance out all this intense overthinking with some distraction and normalisation through conversation and joking around.

Ed​

 

[Raggamuffin]

On the whole I think things are remaining fairly positive. The main worry is potential future loneliness, but I know moving into a house share will help - as will changing jobs if I decide to do this in the future. There's been a pattern throughout my life of my best friends moving abroad. Without any friends where I live, or work - I know I need a change. With Kristy's work pattern we didn't have much time together when we were dating. Now that we've split up, I see her even less. So I'm trying to keep busy.

Looking back I think intimacy has been lacking in every relationship I've had. Perhaps it reflects the emotional distance of my childhood relationship with my parents. I also mask severely around my parents and try and hide away any issues I have so I don't make them worry. But when you don't open up around those closest to you - it ends up pushing them further away, and then you can end up feeling burdened with problems that you're not sharing and getting new perspectives on. It also serves to make you feel lonely.

Playfulness has been the main aspect of close friendships as well as my past relationships with women. I adore silliness and joking around. Masking is tiring and draining - and I have to bottle up so much energy, that when I find like minded people who I can indulge in silliness with: it brings about a real bond. But playfulness isn't enough to maintain a relationship. I find that I'm more open sharing thoughts and feelings with friends than partners - again, because I feel guilty to burden those I'm closest to with my problems.

I'm glad that my lifestyle changes remain intact - sobriety is going well, my new diet feels like it's firmly in place. Whilst I know I can continue to improve it; the fact I've stopped eating biscuits, chocolates, cakes and sweets every day has been a big help with weight loss. Next pay day I want to spend a little more on my food budget to try and branch out some more with what I eat - and try and include healthier and fresher foods.

My spending habits remain a lot better too. I still haven't touched my savings, and when we move out, I will be able to save even more money a month due to cheaper living costs. I'm still staffing most days - the exercise feels very beneficial, and the weather continues to get milder. I'm not gaming as much on week days, and during weekends I'm not sat playing video games all day.

I visited my parents on the weekend and picked up some sheets for when we decorate. Kristy has a friend over today who's helping with prepping the room for painting. She has 2 more friends coming over next week to help out too. All being well, the bedroom will be done in a few weeks at most. Towards the end of next week we'll rent the storage unit and start getting things moved in there. As soon as the bedroom is decorated we'll put the house on the market. Realistically, all we need to get done around the house should be done within a month. Then we just have to wait for a buyer.

When I visited my parents I got our belated Xmas presents. I've gone back to a feature phone (non-smartphone) to help keep me away from excessive internet use or constantly checking Messenger and Discord when I'm at work. When I get home I use my phone to read before I go to bed. It's quite liberating to be rid of the constant phone checking during the day. I've had feature phones several times in recent years - and now I've got a DSLR camera and a dedicated MP3 player - I wanted to finally be rid of the smartphone.

I bought 2 giant fluffy toys for my brother's kids. One was a giant panda and the other was 5ft+ giraffe. They were very excited when they saw them, and Lian (my brother's wife) was so happy to see how they reacted. I think all of us were a little surprised just how big these toys were. I remember growing up I had one of my mum's old teddy bears and it was colossal. I always thought it was magical to have a toy that was bigger than I was for so many years. I figured it'd be a nice thing to replicate for my brother's kids.

We've adjusted well to Kes being gone. I still worry about the neighbours dogs, but it's up to them and the RSPCA now. I will check the end of the week to see if the dogs eye is improving - if it isn't, I'll ring the RSPCA again. Kristy said the dogs will be fine - I admire her optimism, but my mind won't stop ruminating about worst case scenarios.

We had a new guy join our UK Discord server, he seems really chilled and we've voice chatted whilst gaming over the weekend and last night. I'm glad he's a calmer personality, as there's a few loud and erratic people on that server - and I'd rather play video games without people being loud, aggressive or stupid.

Work remains unchanged - it's too busy, and moving the system over to the cloud continues to be full of bugs and too slow compared to how it used to be. I'm in a constant cycle of working really hard and processing jobs at abnormally fast speeds - and then burning out and falling behind. Round and round it goes. I miss having a job which wasn't frantic and where you never got ahead, no matter how hard you try - the work never stops.

Ed

 

[paloftoon]

Hi Ed, you and your ex are handling this about as maturely as it can get. Because of what you two shared, at least you may have a platonic friend rather than complete hate.

There are no easy decisions, and you'll have to take a risk.
If you rent, it's easier to move around at least. I think that's your best option for now, or maybe an extended stay or an AirBnB.

Owning with someone else is tough because what if they don't want to buy you out if you want to move out etc. Rent from a friend if you can.

Co-op living exists where you own your own place, but you share the kitchen space and possibly bathroom spaces. Co-op living is also rare, at least in the US. There is probably also a common fee, kind of like paying a cheaper rent, for such a setup too. . .

Good luck with everything.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I am definitely glad we've been doing so well since the break up. A house share will be my next living arrangement once the house sells. It's the cheapest way to live - it keeps the bills down; not only for house related expenses, but also it reduces my commuting costs when I live in the same city where I work.

At this present moment I wouldn't want to own a house with someone else in the future. I would rather save up enough for a deposit and get somewhere on my own. I think this recent breakup also goes to prove why I don't want to get married - it draws out any break up, and it involves lawyers and has the potential to become hugely expensive. I don't agree with the idea that if a relationship ends, they are entitled to a share of what you've worked for and accumulated in life.

With the house share - I'm tempted to go somewhere with a slightly higher rent, if the house is nice. I've seen a lot of house shares in newer houses which have double rooms and en-suites. I like the idea of that, as I spend most of my time in any house in one room - wherever my PC is. But a bedroom with an en-suite would mean I am a lot more self sufficient, and asides from cleaning what I use in a kitchen, and probably the occasional hoovering of hallways and shared rooms - I would only have to focus on the 2 rooms that are mine in said house share.

Yesterday one of Kristy's friends came round to help with sanding down the walls. He had helped out earlier in the week - and yesterday we all got the room sanded and finished. I spent an hour trying to hoover up the dust. Most of it is done. But the hoover kept becoming clogged and needed cleaning out. Once the room is done today, we will wash down the walls and let it dry. Then I'm going to wash out the vacuum compartments as it's one of those bagless Dyson one's. Once the walls and hoover are dry I will vacuum once again.

I got 10 new boxes from work and we've started clearing out the kitchen and sorting out who's is who's. Our friend who came yesterday has taken 4 large bags worth of board games that Kristy is keeping. He's a big board game fan and has space at his flat. He's very meticulous around his board games - so we know they're in good hands. Once Kristy has moved into a new place she'll be able to take them back.

We got a lot done yesterday - but by the end of it I was zoning out and a bit overcome with thoughts and trying to adjust. A lot went on - and it frazzled me a bit. I sat staring for quite some time and Kristy was repeatedly asking me what was wrong. Between the sore muscles from sanding down the walls, the stress of trying to clear up the dust and constantly cleaning out the hoover, the deafening high pitched noise as the hoover became clogged, boxes cluttering all of downstairs and me slamming my thumb into the corner of a table whilst hoovering which brought an end to my attempts at cleaning the whole room in one go - I guess it's understandable I burnt out a bit.

A perfect example of my all or nothing thinking - I wanted to get more done. I had the idea of getting the hoovering done and wiping down the walls and doing the final hoovering. I wanted that room to be usable to sleep in. When this failed to materialise and after I slammed my thumb and it started to bleed - I felt frustrated. On reflection I see that I was expecting too much. What we got done yesterday will make today a lot easier and manageable.

Finishing up the hoovering, wiping down the walls and putting the bedding and curtains in the wash are easily achievable today. Next Wednesday is pay day for me, and we agreed to go to the self storage place around the corner and start renting a container. It's less than a 3 minute drive, and so the end of next week we will do some back and forth trips on my lunch breaks to get a load of the unused house items into storage.

Getting things done bit by bit should help me feel less stressed. I was getting a bit snappy towards the end of the day yesterday. When I went to bed I recalled I did the exact same thing the last times we moved. Before I could go to bed we had to move a wardrobes worth of clothes back into the bedroom we're decorating. Knowing it was still dusty, and that the clothes hadn't been removed when they first started sanding down walls felt like a bit much emotionally. All my suits are caked in dust, and will need dry cleaning. I wanted to get it done as quickly as I could because I just wanted to go to bed. I was grabbing large handfulls of clothes and trying to hang them up quickly. Clothes kept slipping and some fell onto the flooor and got even dustier. I was getting so frusrated I felt like I was going to cry.

Boxes aside, at least I can focus on tackling the dust today and finish up anything else that needs doing over the weekend. So long as the dust is gone and the bedroom is usable to sleep in - I think I will end the week feeling better. Kristy said we'll get some more cleared downstairs over the weekend too. So at least the storage boxes can go up against a wall downstairs and take up less room until they go into the container on Wednesday.

Kristy has got some friends coming over next week to help with the bedroom. It's not very big, so I think the painting could be done by next week. All being well, I think we could probably visit the estate agents on the week commencing the 5th to get the house on the market.

Things will be a lot calmer once the bedroom is done and most of our stuff is in storage. It'll be easier to keep the house tidy, and over the next few months I can focus on continuing to add to my savings. I know our house still needs work doing, and realistically it'll be one of the cheapest houses on the market in the area. But it'll still be selling for a minimum of £20,000 more than we originally bought it for 4 years ago. Whatever we leave with, will be a decent amount each for our savings for the future.

One thing I am thankful for is that Kes isn't here. This week, with all the noise, the dust, the boxes everywhere and the lack of space - it would've been truly hard and traumatising on Kes to have been here. We've been seeing more and more photos of her settling into her new home, and it's wonderful to see.

On another positive note, the neighbours dogs haven't been howling as much, and the brother seems to have been home each night this week. With it being Friday I know that our neighbour will be coming home too.

Reminding yourself of things to be thankful for often seemed like an overly simplified method of helping ease stress and depression - but it does actually help ease some tension. I know I will feel calmer when the houses is clearer and we've got into a rhythme of getting stuff into storage. After decrating and moving boxes, the rest is pretty straightforward - the responsibilities of selling the house are on other people. Pretty much all we have to do is keep the house clean for visitors and wait for the sale.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

Sanded down the walls I the bedroom and got the mess hoovered up and the curtains and bedding changed. One more going over with the hoover tonight and the room will be useable. Kristy has friends over this week to help with the painting.

Warm weather due over the next few days, so I can go staffing twice a day – lunch and after work. I see so many people watching me staff. It attracts a lot of attention and fascination and smiles – and yet very few people ever approach me to talk. Usually those who do seem rather outgoing or confident.

Speaking of outgoing – seeing people chat and get on well at work continues to get me down. It is frustrating seeing people break up the tedium of work with joking and having fun and I have no part in it. Summer will soon be upon us, and if I see baby sea gulls on the roof – I think I will struggle emotionally. The director said they would be getting blinds for all the windows, so perhaps I could enforce an “out of sight, out of mind” policy.

Continuing to make frequent mistakes at work. The 3-month review is due shortly. My manager said I would be getting a formal warning if the mistakes continue – which they have. I am going to be addressing this issue with my therapist as it is behaviour that is occurred in every single job I have done, and it is now putting my job in jeopardy.

I keep hearing HR and other's talking about the engineer apprenticeship. One of the directors just joked "We seek out the best and brightest for them" which irked me I'm not going to lie - I guess I didn't make the grade. Truth be told - I know I have intellect and I'm gifted, but none of the jobs I've had play to any of my talents or strengths. So I've sat and stagnated; realising every day that I'm capable of so much more. This colleague getting the apprenticeship over me harks back to my history of being overlooked when it comes to new positions. I'm under no illusion my jobs aren't careers and are a far cry from what I want to do with my life. Perhaps me being stuck on the bottom of these jobs is a sign. Honestly thought - the high stress, the constant mistakes, the poor pay and the lack of friends is a truly eroding experience. After 16 years of this - I'm beyond fed up.

On Wednesday I think we will be hiring the storage container – so we can begin to clear out the house. I know I will be travelling light, and a lot of the stuff will be given to Kristy or a charity shop. In all honesty, when we bought stuff for our house – we went mostly for what was cheap and essential. The house, the furniture, the utensils – none of it is really what I would consider wanting to own in my forever home. I am happy to save and wait and eventually move somewhere which suits me and fill the house with things I’m drawn to and want to own.

I need to re-book my vaccine jab as I got the days mixed up and when I was about to set off to the hospital, I realised I was a week late.

I didn’t spend as much time reading this week. Even though the books I own are interesting – I run out of steam when it comes to focusing on reading. Asides from when I read before going to bed, I’m not really dedicating much time during the day to reading more.

My mood recently hasn’t been too bad, but I still have this envious and rather vindictive attitude when I see people happy or enjoying themselves. It’s not healthy to feel angry and resentful when you see people enjoying themselves – and yet it’s how I’ve been living for years.

Do you ever have an overwhelming urge to scream or cry? I have these feelings every day. Doesn't seem normal does it? I guess it's just another symptom of prolonged masking around people.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

Mood is not good at work. Noticing how people talk readily with one another, but very little with me. Some people say goodbye to people as they leave the office, but I notice they wait until they've walked past me before they start saying it. Trying to keep on top of my workload. It's a struggle at the best of times. With so much work to do, I seem to envy and despise seeing how much time people spend chatting at work.

There's been really bad cravings for everything I quit recently. I wonder if it's the sense of freedom of being single which is going to my head a little. I must admit - since quitting sugary foods and snacks, the cravings are probably as strong as when I quit alcohol. It's been quite relentless, and whenever I'm at home I see all of Kristy's snacks everywhere and it's quite challenging.

Therapy tomorrow. I want to discuss my constant mistakes at work, as well as discussing the books I'm reading.

The weather has been warmer the past few days. I staffed 3 times yesterday - once on my lunchbreak: I worked up a real sweat. Then when I got home I staffed for 40 minutes in the nearby park and then walked 20 minutes to the main park in town and staffed for 30 minutes there before walking 30 minutes home. The park in town is nice - but it's full of so many chavs and delinquents and I find it quite intimidating and off-putting when I'm around large groups of loud and boisterous teenagers and young adults.

Still, the exercise is good for me. I haven't checked my weight in a few days, so I'll need to have a look at that tonight. I still have to fine tune my diet, but I know I need easy to prepare foods, as I've never enjoyed the time it takes to cook. Given how long prep, cooking and washing up can take - cooking always seemed like a poor return on investment.

Ed